Another football season has begun, and another few months of weekend hell. This early afternoon we were at a group function and someone had a football game on. The teams weren't even any of H's favorite teams....He has one big favorite and a few other favorites. He started screaming at some of the penalty calls, the bad throws, you name it. Then later this afternoon, one of his favorite teams was playing and it was actually scary to be around him. He threw the remote in anger . So, before half-time even came, I left the room and stayed in our bedroom....which made him angrier because he wants me there with him, and because my leaving "makes him feel bad" because it points out that he's a poor sport.
I just told him that I won't watch any games with him this season. Although I enjoy the actual games, even the ones that are "sure wins" will anger H if someone makes a mistake.
A couple years ago, the police came because he became so verbally abusive and scary when he thought his team was losing (in the end, they won). When I tried to leave, H ran after me screaming, so the neighbors called the police. When the police got there, H was very angry and the police told him that they were going to take him to a hotel for the night ....they didn't want him driving because he had been drinking.
Tonight, he wasn't drinking as far as I know.
I try to figure out why he is this way about sports...including the ones that he plays. He's a horrible loser. His best friend (who died in a tragic accident) used to play him in tennis but H would get so angry when he lost, it was no longer fun for this friend. H is like a worse version of John McEnroe.
There are two things I've observed:
1) The perfection expectation: He expects all players, coaches, and refs to be perfect. When they fall short of that expectation, he gets angry. I'm not talking about the typical, "oh shit" when someone drops the ball. I'm talking about becoming extremely angry in a way that observers notice and become nervous.
2) Somehow these teams' performances are a reflection of him. If they do poorly, then somehow he "looks badly," too. I know that sounds crazy, but it does seem that way.
Anyone else experience this?
Follow up....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
Last night, H could never "calm down" by himself, so he grabbed his keys and went to the liquor store. H is an alcoholic who has been trying to stop drinking. However, it's like he purposely allows himself to get all worked up, so he'll have an excuse to get booze. "I won't get to sleep unless....." BS.
Once he left for the liquor store, I grabbed my things and left. Since he's on a med that doesn't work well with booze (makes him very mean and then he blacks out), I refuse to be in the house when he drinks (one time he threw my phone in the toilet and then blacked out and forgot the whole incident). So, I left, which makes him more angry, but I don't care. For my safety, I can't be around him when he drinks.
Me:(
Submitted by c ur self on
When I identify with anything in the secular world to strongly...Like my favorite college team...Alabama...then the idol worship slips in...I was of course quiet blind to it, or I make an excuses for it...I've got to feel good about myself right:)
Little story for you: I was in my recliner watching Alabama play one Saturday, this was probably in the mid 90's...And my late wife came to the door of the Den and said to me in a matter of fact way, something along these lines..."I'm taking the kids and leaving, I can't believe you"...Now I'm not saying I'm completely done with a little emotion when a ball game is on....But, my late wife was very respectful of me, she was a kind, and meek spirited lady....So when she showed any kind of negative emotion it got my attention....So I started (doing that painful thing I hate) looking at my self; and thinking about what was happening to me, If we won, I was happy and it was a good day...If we lost, I got this hot depressed feeling, like life was just bad. So I had to pray about this...When my idol let me down, I was depressed, but, when my idol won, I was good....
So, I decided if I can't see it as young men who are all important, and loved by family, friends, and their God, just playing a game they love....Then I wouldn't watch it at all....I'm still watching, but, I'm aware...Thank you Jesus....As I have gotten older, and hopefully some wiser and because of having been blessed with two wonder wives like yourself, to help me see:)) I don't view college football as a life producer any longer, just a very fun and enjoyable game to watch on beautiful fall Saturdays....
This idol concept I've come to find out can be linked to just about anything I hold to dear in this life...
C
You were able to "C ur self"....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
....once your wife brought your "bad behavior" to your attention, and you made an effort to change.
When H is calm, he readily admits that he's a horrible sport. He admits that his anxiety kicks up to max level. He even makes jokes about his bad behavior and will "happily reminisce" about some of his horrible displays. But he is unable to control himself....at all.
Part of it is the "Idol" aspect, but really most of it seems to be that his "core" is shaken when he or his teams don't play well.
I've asked him why it upsets him so much when he loses, even just a card game or some "fun" game of pool or whatever. His answer is that he doesn't deserve to lose. The obvious question is: So everyone else always deserves to lose? (uh, yes, in his mind)
Explosive Anger Outbursts....
Submitted by c ur self on
My Dad is a happy person most of the time, He easily makes friends, but he can go from calm to having an anger outburst very quickly if something triggers it. Nobody wanted to be my Dad's Card partner because he is very good at most anything....And if his partner lead out with something stupid (no hope of winning) or isn't adept at reading his lead...He can get loud an angry quickly which leaves people...stunned, feeling hurt, and in tears over a stupid card game...I too sadly started out down this same path, even though I had been on the opposite end of his rage....Just another thing I've had to recognize and deal with over the years....
Why does this happen? It's the inability to manage emotions.... Simply stated; If you say OK the object is to win at rook, dominoes, football or anything competitive....The desire to compete and win overrides or makes the person who already lacks the ability manage their own emotions vulnerable to an outburst....
Even though it falls on every individual to recognize their limitations and mange their own emotions, sadly many do not....So what does it say about me, if I continue to get on this thin ice with them....I'm asking for it....I understand your leaving the other night....I think it was wise....
C