Hi all, I could really use some advice or encouragement here. I was recently diagnosed with ADHD about 5 months ago and am still just learning the impact it has and continues to have of me and my relationship with my wife. A the same time, my wife is also going through her own battles with grief (lost her brother) and chronic illness (resurgence of Lyme) that is physical exhausting and in addition to her ongoing depression and anxiety. This is creating a Catch 22 situation in which we are really not supporting each other because we both need support ourselves! As a result, we both don't feel supported by the other and that is taking a huge toll on our relationship.
We were just married in October and I feel like there is definitely resentment on both sides. She needs an emotionally supportive and consistent partner, but this is not me (right now) as I learn about how to better regulate my emotions, respond to her emotions, and deal with the symptoms of ADHD. And on this journey toward my own self improvement, I also need a supportive and patient partner, which is also very difficult for her. This is not how I imagined starting our life together as newlyweds.
People have commented that even objectively, we have a lot on our plate. I am also struggling to finish my PhD while searching for jobs. Needless to say, I feel stressed and overwhelmed in addition to a host of emotions that I am trying to get a handle on and that include:
- Anger/resentment toward my wife.
- Sadness about where our lives are at.
- Exhaustion - Physical and Mental taking on more household chores while also dealing with both of our emotions.
- Guilt over my inadequacy as a supportive partner
- Cautious/tentative when relating to my wife because I don't know how she will react.
I am frightened about the future and what it holds for us as a strong couple. If she wasn't dealing with her own battles, I think she would likely be more supportive. Instead, she is shutting down (e.g., not being vulnerable anymore) and I experience demeaning, passive aggressive, and condescending comments that further exacerbate my emotions. I can understand why as I have broken significant trust over the past couples years, but this also has a big impact back on me. I end up struggling to work through intense emotions brought on by these interactions (and shutting down a bit myself) instead of focusing on how to overcome my symptoms as well as finishing my PhD/finding a job (something we both really want ASAP).
Every day sucks a bit more and I don't feel like we are building. She doesn't feel acknowledged by me and I don't feel acknowledged/understood by her.
I still love her deeply, but this stalemate cannot continue. My hope for a positive and fulfilling long-term relationship is waning.
Has anyone been stuck in this paradox of both the ADHD partner and the non-ADHD partner needing support, but neither able to provide? What was your experience? What types of advice do you have?
Thanks,
Brandon
As a young couple you are
Submitted by Hopeful Heart on
As a young couple you are facing a lot of challenges. No doubt about that! I am certainly no expert, but the combination of lyme disease along with anxiety and depression sound completely debilitating to me. How well is she functioning on a day to day basis? Is she receiving medical treatment?
Are you taking medication or receiving help for your ADHD?
Im sure it's overwhelming to think about tackling all of these issues at once. It's sounds to me like your wife's condition is more critical at this moment. Would it be possible to focus on helping her and getting her back on her feet? Then she could be more of a support system to you.
Hi Hopeful Heart,
Submitted by BrandonADHD on
Hi Hopeful Heart,
She gets by most days and then crashes others (both physically and/or mentally). She is receiving medical treatment for Lyme, but not mental health. We may be moving in the next few months due to my job and she may be open to starting to see a therapist after that so she can build a rapport.
As for myself, I am seeing a non-ADHD therapist weekly and taking Concerta once a day. The Concerta really helps in some ways, but can't switch to a ADHD therapist because it is cost prohibitive. I have a very high out-of-network deductible and there are no therapists I have found on my insurance plan. In fact, I have found most ADHD therapists don't take insurance. Hopefully my new insurance when I start a new job will be better. My non-ADHD therapist is good, but knows nothing about the paradoxes of living with ADHD, so tends to treat me as..."well, if you know why, then you can just do xyz"...this is not enough.
I want to help her get back on her feet, but I myself struggle with being supportive and she has a chronic condition that takes a long time to improve from (over 1 year). In fact, you get worse because of the treatment in order to get better.
Brandon...Some Things That Might Help
Submitted by kellyj on
Has anyone been stuck in this paradox of both the ADHD partner and the non-ADHD partner needing support? I think you just stated the most common problem of all. You are not alone...to the point....you hit the nail on the head. It's why it seems like a paradox and a Catch 22 because in some ways....it is. Trying to find an exact solution to solve this dilemma might only lead you to more frustration in that there isn't one that would fit both people at the same time perfectly...problem solved.(no)
But there are acceptable compromises and within those compromises comes the support you are looking for.
The compromises are what will eliminate:
Anger/resentment toward my wife.
Sadness about where our lives are at.
Exhaustion - Physical and Mental taking on more household chores while also dealing with both of our emotions.
Guilt over my inadequacy as a supportive partner
Cautious/tentative when relating to my wife because I don't know how she will react.
and.....
frightened about the future and what it holds for us as a strong couple. If she wasn't dealing with her own battles, I think she would likely be more supportive........but neither able to provide?
All of those things are getting in the way of the support you need.....but part of what you are seeing I think....comes from the support that you want and don't think your are getting?
If you make a list of the things that you absolutely NEED.....and another list of the things you can put into WANTS. I think this will help sort this out better for you for a start.
Under WANTS I think is where you will find all the compromises you can make. If you feel you can't do without anything....then there is no room to move towards the middle? If she's doing the same thing and everything is a need.....neither one of you move and theres a gap between you and her and any support either one of you are getting.
Think of it this way always first. Two people together. as a cooperative team (interdependent not co-dependent)...not just two seperate.poeple...You....and.....Me who both want the same thing but are competing for limited resources.
The only choice you have in the " two seperate.poeple...You....and.....Me who both want the same thing but are competing for limited resources."....is either what you've got now....or co-depedence. And neither one are a good choice for obvious reasons.
In the column marked "wants" I think most of the time....we think they are needs but actually they are just wants. If you "NEED" something from another person.....now your dependent on THEM for it. That leads to co-dependence and an unhealthy relationship.
If you separate your absolute needs out from the wants.....this will narrow it down to just what you HAVE to have for yourself that might be different than hers. This is where you can negotiate.
In the "wants" column.....you can take it or leave it but it won't be a big deal if you get some....and not get others. You can take turns what ever...but being dependent and everything is a NEED leaves no room for support or compromise. That's just co-dependence and that really sucks...no two ways about it. That never feels good....is always selfish on either side....and no one wins.
Win/win win/lose lose/win lose/lose....or pass. You always have those options to start with...you just have to decide in each case....what you need....and what you want....and go from there.
Good luck with this....you are totally not alone. Letting go of the need to resolve the unreasonable is a skill that you also need to acquire in order to do this.....that means.....letting go:)
J
Fighting For the "HAND"
Submitted by kellyj on
Just a quick example of something that I think is so telling here in relation to my last comment....
I have these two male dogs (Pappilons) that are extremely funny to me at times. They're both about the same age and even related (distantly) but they are both quite a bit different in personality. And they are both extremely jealous if one gets something that other one isn't getting which comes out in completely different approaches in solving this problem.
When it comes to hands....I only have two. If I pet one and not the other is where all the fun begins.
Different approaches......
If I pet Picasso (the smaller....and more needy older brother).....Master Po (the larger stronger but younger one) will bite at Poo's tail (Poo for short as in "pooh" code for "little shit" not the Bear ) which get's Poo's panties all in a bunch. Poo then retaliates by turning and trying to nip at Po which gives Po the perfect opportunity to dive into Poo's position and get petted instead. Not so dumb after all?
Poo (Picasso) takes a more direct approach. If I'm petting Po and Poo feels left out....he tries to smother my hand or he just grabs my forearm with his two front legs by wrapping them completely around my fore arm and then covers my hand with his head which prevents me from petting Po. (one reason for his nickname "little shit").
This can go on for hours if I allow it but in order to prevent this from happening (which we try and prevent)....I hide the "HAND" and no one gets it. This only creates a new problem to overcome for both of them and they will both start digging at the cushion or my leg which the "HAND" is now hiding. lol They're fairly relentless when it comes to the "Hand". lol
The real solution of course...is to pet both at the same time with both hands....but taking turns is not in their make up and never appears to cross their minds.lol
I get hours of endless pleasure watching these two interact together. My wife on the other hand see's them as "Ill Behaved". When she gets involved....they both turn and growl at her because that just becomes a no win situation for everyone. Truly....I am not making any of this up...straight up....just reporting back as it happens.
And because of this....her "HAND" is not considered a source of contention. The only "HAND" of value is the one that's connected to me! lol Both....even better:)
J
Thanks J. I will give some
Submitted by BrandonADHD on
Thanks J. I will give some thought to this Needs and Wants list. It sounds like it may help address some of my expectations and need to perfectly resolve things. I will see where I can compromise.
--Brandon