Submitted by hcc on 02/11/2019.
My ADHD husband and I have been married for 20 years. We have had our ups and downs but the last year has just been a down. Neither wants to call it quits and I’ve signed us up for the marriage seminar. However I can’t shake this feeling that my H hasn’t been faithful. I have asked and he denies it. Still my gut says he has and as I get older my gut instinct are pretty good. I need my husband to understand that I need to know what we are recovering from. With this suspicion it really puts a damper on my willingness to work to make things better. He has lied to me before about various things with little remorse. Any suggestions on how to get the truth? I’ve even considered hiring a PI but that seems crazy.
Read Orlov's book before you start seminar
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
Having taken the seminar I suggest you both completely read the book (without doing the exercises) before you begin seminar. Orlov is wonderful and the techniques she presents can make a world of difference (if you are both committed to really doing some work.) My ADHD wife claimed she was overwhelmed by the amount of information so she stopped doing anything halfway through. Hope the two of you are able to maintain focus.
The book
Submitted by hcc on
im almost through the book and it is very helpful. My husband is trying to read it but as expected he has a hard time staying focused on it. I suggested he get the audio version. I’ll order it this morning
Put the shoe on the other foot....
Submitted by c ur self on
(Any suggestions on how to get the truth?)
Hmmm....If your husband asks you if you have cheated on him, and you tell him no....Then out of your answer, all he could come up with going forward is, thoughts like you are having (I don't believe you, because my gut tells me you have, PI etc..) now....I think you might be a little offended that your spouse of 20 years, has so little faith and trust in you....
I don't know the dynamic in your home and marital relationship, but, it always takes two (who care) to make it better...I love the idea about the marriage seminar, but, you might try counseling also....And if there are secrets (like infidelity) that need to come out, it's a whole lot more likely to happen in a one on one session w/ a good counselor.....
If you want him to trust you, you need to return the favor....
c
Trust does need to go both ways
Submitted by vabeachgal on
Short story is trust your gut.
I understand your comments VBG...
Submitted by c ur self on
(In my case, the history of little and big untruths led me to
the unfortunate conclusions in my gut. )
I didn't go here (your comment above) intentionally...Because it's really not the message of hope, it's nothing the original poster ( or any of us who are faithful, and giving 100% to our marriage) will ever be responsible for, nor can she do anything to prevent it....
It's dangerous to make assumptions based on our own behavior and perceived abilities, when it comes to highly distracted people who are overly engaging, and private in nature (whether shame induced, or just their natures)....I've made all of those mistakes, and all it did was hurt my trust for someone who had no ability to live up to my expectations....It was just another stumbling block in a relationship that does not need another one;)....
But we aren't stupid ;)....Behavior changes, hiding, excuses.....It's pretty easy to realize when something isn't right....I think many of us would be hurt and disappointed if our spouses cheated, but probably not totally shocked....Just because of how they live, and what they make important to begin with....But, we are human, and it would hurt non the less.....
c
Trust yourself
Submitted by Angie_H on
Hello, hcc,
Trust your instincts and keep your eyes open. If your husband is cheating on you, he will do characteristic things, such as have unexplained disappearances, guard his phone from you, be unable to explain expenditures. You will catch him in lies, and he will say you are mistaken.
You as a couple will not be recovering from anything if your husband cheats and keeps secrets. You have to decide what you need to be happy. What should you change in yourself? Do you have appropriate boundaries? What can you require from your husband and expect him to honor? What support do you need in addition to this group?
All the best,
Angie
Thank you
Submitted by hcc on
thank you for sharing your thoughts. And thank you for acknowledging the power of an instinct.
I get it because it sounds
Submitted by Alone on
I get it because it sounds like my marriage. I too felt my husband who has adhd was having an affair. I confronted him and asked to see his phone. I was looking for texts from a particular person. He said he had erased them all. So then I asked him to save all his texts with this woman and if I ever wanted to see his phone I could. He agreed . So a couple of months later I asked to see his phone and their texts and he said he erased them. Well at that point I lost all trust. I went to counseling because of this. Not knowing if he was faithful. My counselor thought he had adhd. He agreed to look into it and was diagnosed. Then I suggested marriage counseling. Really to find out if he was having an affair. In my own experience it did not satisfy me. What came out of many weeks and thousands of dollars was that he said he intentionally deleted texts because upset I would even think he was having an affair. It’s hard to know the truth because of the perpetual lies. I will never know the truth. Only he does. Good luck !! Perhaps you will have better luck.
I understand
Submitted by hcc on
thank you for your honesty. My heart goes out to you as well. Sounds like we are both on shaky foundations.
Bologna
Submitted by repeat that please on
I don't believe him. Why does he need to be texting her? First things first. If he wants to remain married to you, no more texting this person, period, never again. That's all there is to it. If he doesn't like it, he's just proven that he's having an affair. You asked him specifically to save the texts and he continued to text her and then deleted them because he didn't want you to get upset. If he really meant that, he would have stopped texting her. He's not being truthful is my sense of it.
I’m hearing that you’re
Submitted by ashley benson on