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Is this post a joke? Does this have something to do with ADHD?
Leave him alone and keep your feelings to yourself. He's married and what you did (and what he did) is wrong and you're playing with fire...and could destroy not only his wife's life, but his child's too. Do you not have enough self-control to even consider you'd potentially lose your job and the respect of all of the other parents and teachers at your school? This is really infuriating to me to see an adult act like they need "to validate what I was feeling" like you're a teenager. You're messing with the lives of many people all because of your whim. Leave him alone and find someone single to 'visit with'.
its not a joke- it infuriates me as well, as to why i do not understand the mystification of people and relationships. That's why I wrote it, because theoretically what you see as cut and dry , I clearly do not. Its feedback like yours that make my reevaluate who I am. And why I am so impulsive and am in constant need for stimulation.
I understand impulsiveness all to well. Have you seen a doctor about suspecting you have ADHD? That is the first step. There are many good books on the subject. This website has helped me learn even more about the disorder by reading posts made by both ADDer's and Non-ADDer's. I have learned so much about how this thing affects the people around me. If you are like me, maybe you did not even suspect you had ADHD until years into adulthood. I was over 40 years old before I found out, now two years later I'm still working on putting things together.
Don't give up, get help and keep reading and working on yourself and things Can improve.
I have ADHD and have known for quite some time, my life has completely changed since I found out but the one thing I cannot get a grasp on is the men situation. the limitation the boundaries, the right from wrong. I don't grasp relationships because I have never been in one. This felt like it could be more than it is, and then it got weird. and I found myself back at square one. I try to fight the urges to email him but they are hard. I have not yet succumbed to an email this week but the week is still young,,,,,,,,,,,,,,ladidadida
ADHDer's typically use the impulsive behavior to create adrenalin rushes which help keep us awake or interested. Sexual attactions surely count in this method to stay awake/not bored, as do fast cars, shopping and any number of things of this sort. The dangers of the relationship you describe are exactly the types of rushes that are part of ADHD as well as the Hyper-Focus on this guy. If your students father is flirting back to you just think of the mess this could turn into.
Medication has really helped me with my impulses. They are by No means gone, but I can usually pause and think before taking action.
The medication has worked wonders -im digging myself out of debt(i lost all my money), I ve gone to this mans house a few times and have no done anything. I am obsessed with this man and im just not sure what to do. Finally someone who understands, its the drama I crave, this happens to be a wonderful man who also has not given in and im pretty sure he wont but for a while it got pretty scary I guess the ground is still a bit shaky but only two more month of school so hopefully the summer will hit - I will no longer see him and i will just have no contact with him................For people who dont have adhd they dont understand the impact some of these simple things have on people like me.....:0(
No, I don't have ADHD and don't understand what it is like to be in your position, but I do have an ADHD husband who has cheated on me and I imagine it had a lot to do with some of the impulses you talk about...and let me share with you the devastation and destruction it caused me and my children...
No, nevermind..seems you've made up your mind that you will excuse this behavior with your ADHD...and you've somehow convinced yourself that it has rendered you helpless in this situation. (utter BS in my book, but I'm not up to trying to change your mind at this point).
It really pisses me off when people married to ADHDers claim "they can't/don't/won't change!" because it implies that they have no will of their own and lack the inherent human ability to change..never thought I would see the day that an ADHDer used "I can't help it" as an excuse to play with the lives of so many innocent people all for a thrill. You're proving all of the bitter, angry people here right...that ADHDers 'just can't help themselves' therefore are incapable of change. ugh.
I saw some of the recent posts. But I think that halo is slipping. Don't get caught up in that anger and bitterness. If he... or she, is unwilling to attempt change, understanding full well the effects, that is as much themselves as it is ADHD. You know that there are many of us who use every therapeutic strategy available. This rant, I wont take personally because I know you are better than this, but you owe it to both of you to turf him if there is no hope. You gave it a good try. Its tragic, but it sounds like you guys are done for now.
I was being sarcastic...I, guess I should have pointed that out. I'm not bitter, just angry that this person acts like ADHD is an excuse to behave this way. I know better. Or at least I like to, as a general rule, give ADHDers the benefit of the doubt. Yes, it comes with impulse issues and some things are done that are later regretted, but this just feels completely different than that. Apparently this has gone on long enough for this poster to have a good sense that it's just.not.right...but she chooses to do it anyway.
I am sorry for the pain you have gone through Sherri. Change is not easy, the meds help make it possible, but you have to want to make changes to how you have learned to deal with everything. It's weird... Marital infidelity must be the hardest thing to go through. I cannot begin to understand the pain you have and are going through. One thing I have known from day 1 with my wife, is that cheating is not forgivable in her eyes. This is a boundary that I have always understood.
When I learned of my ADD there were so many things that matched my behaviors. Reading posts, like yours, I began to understand the monster this thing can be.
I have to believe I can continue to change, but if there can be no forgiveness for any past behaviors, it makes change even harder.
It was hard...but I did forgive him and it is not an issue anymore except for some lingering fear that it'll happen again. It has nothing to do with what is going on now though, but thank you for your kind words. I know he can change, I saw him change, but now I'm fearful that it was 15 months of hyperfocus and now he's just back to square one. I'm holding on and praying. I don't know what else to do. We haven't had a marriage to speak of...not so much as a decent conversation (about anything other than him) for 6 weeks. It is very hard.
I don't like how I feel when I wake up. It reminds me of how I used to think and feel. I cannot go back there! You mention 15 months of Hyperfocus, and I understand what you are saying. I'm about 22 months post diagnosis and for the last 5 or 6 months the ADD is old news and doesn't seem to be relevant to my wife, really it never seemed to be a big deal to her. She never read about ADD or ever went to this website, which I think could have really helped move us forward. We are slowly moving in the right direction. I wonder when things are supposed to feel like everything is right? Maybe there is no Normal or Right. Time seems to be helping and patience has Not improved with study and medication. It is easy for communication to break down, but I think I can at least see when it starts to happen and try to correct it, ask her to lunch, keep off the laptop and iPhone when she is in the room. Little signs that I think she sees.
Finding out you have something that now has a label and a face can be very disturbing. I got this diagnosis April 19,2010. My life has changed dramatically- its had its ups and downs- but I know how bad my life was before and i would never want to go back there. Relationships are hard enough without having ADHD adding that to the mix makes it seem unbearable at times and other times wonderful. The recovery of anything is difficult, relapse is always a prevalent part in the recovery- because it seems like you have to work doubly hard at something just to have it make sense in the eyes of someone else. Im not a bad, mean or vindictive person but I know alot of times I want to do things and I have to say to myself, will this be considered a wrong thing or a right thing. I try really hard to make sure I do not stand out, I used to not care but now it seems as though I no longer want to the societies "black sheep"...thanks for writing...-J
...and the cheating wasn't recent...well, it was 18 months ago...and I am not at all bitter about it...towards him, I have completely forgiven him and gave him a clean slate. It was a horrible time for both of us...he lost job and then his mom died..and I lost my Daddy. So, my response isn't full of bitterness about that...just to clarify.
I would like to say I am empathetic to your post. It has been very hard for me to do the right thing, I have not had any sort of sexual relationship with this man, and I have no intention of. But I do worry I have somehow managed to become very close to his wife, and it makes it more difficult. I have no idea how I became a monopoly piece in their lives. I have lots of respect for their family and while I know i did cross the line, i do understand that NOTHING can happen and it will not go further. But its very hard for me to stop thinking about him especially when he plays such a vital role in my daily life. I have two more months to live in this situation then as sad as i will be the summer will be here and I can be free of it, because i do know how wrong my behavior has been. And the weird part is im not sure how I even got to this point. Its something ive been struggling with but I would never want to harm this family in any way, and this is why as soon as I can i will remove myself from their lives. Unfortunately it will be at the end of June but i will try my hardest to just stay away and keep his email address off my radar. Im not blaming the ADHD i blame me but it is my impulsive behavior that connects me to the ADHD that I put at fault.
I know this post is old, but wanted to say: 18 months really isn't that long.
I am the ADHD wife and I did something stupid 12 years ago. I didn't know I was ADHD and also felt the 'i can't help it' thing. The person involved was a mentor, teacher and collegue and I got into this thing where my self-esteem depended on this person's approval. It was a one-time stupid, awful thing that I regretted instantly and I tried to keep it to myself for two years. I had a nervous breakdown, panic attacks and depression.... I confessed it to my husband and he nearly left me. we had counseling. I took antidepressants. Things got better, and we moved far away and got on with our marriage. However, he still has issues with me regarding trust.... even now. a year or two ago I joined Facebook and reconnected with some people, including some exes. It was kind of fun seeing pictures of people with their kids, wrinkles and we've all got extra pounds, and I sent a few messages back and forth with my college boyfriend (we were 18 & 19 when we were dating) - nothing at all flirtatious, mostly just talking about our kids. I was trying to write short fiction at the time, and started a story about a woman reconnecting with an ex. I'd decided she would give up everything, go to the city where this guy was to start a new life with him only to find that his online identity was no where close to reality and that she'd totally made a mistake... except I'd only written the first paragraph about reconnecting with him and exchanging emails. Below that paragraph was a rough outline of the story with bullet points, but I hadn't written more than the first paragraph. My husband happened upon what i'd written because my daughter woke up from her nap and i left the computer to go get her. He only read the first paragraph, didn't see the outline for the rest of the story, assumed it was some kind of diary or journal and for six weeks he was cold, distant and angry. I kept asking him what was wrong. he kept saying 'nothing'. I knew i must have done something stupid, but couldn't figure out what it was. Finally i just wouldn't take 'nothing' for an answer and finally got out of him what happened. He was shaking with anger, and said "this is so hard for me to say... I've been so pissed..." I laughed initially, because i just couldn't believe it. I told him it was just a story. He didn't believe me until I walked him over to the computer, opened my personal folder, then opened the folder marked "Crappy Fiction Writing Exercies" that showed 4 or 5 titles of crappy stories i'd written, this one being one of them. When I asked why he didn't confront me, he said he didn't want to make me upset because i'd fall apart and not be able to take care of our daughter. I told him that he was making me MORE upset by acting so angry when i had no idea what i'd done!
I have spent over a decade proving to my husband that I can be trusted... I think finally he is starting to believe me, but it's been a lot of work.
Hi, and thanks. No, 18 months isn't a long time, but I had to come to a point in my life that I realized that obsessing over the fear that he'll cheat again was only going to put me in an early grave. I am not 100% past the pain..I still have to drive by where they had their set of apartments on my way to school, I still have to see her when my daughter has school events (her daugther is the same age), I still have moments where I can't wrap my mind around how he could do it...but I don't have the overwhelming, gut wrenching fear and pain I had when I found out. I'm not angry with him about it, I have forgiven him...but forgetting will never happen..I'm human. A lot about it I can't explain here...but there was a lot of remorse...a lot of accountability...and a lot of jumping through hoops, even still...and all of that helped me to put the anger behind me.
I am on a journey of acceptance...and creating healthy boundaries for myself..and finding my strength in life, that isn't directly dependent on anyone but God himself. I have a peace about his infidelity that I never had. I have a peace about knowing that if it happens again, there will be no amount of remorse, begging, or excuses (made by him OR by myself) that will ever be enough...I am gone...and knowing that he knows this helps me get through the day. In the meantime, I give him 100%...on my best days...when I stumble, I still get back up and aim at giving 100%. I will have no regrets, either way.
I would like to add that if you feel you have a problem with being able to control your impulses, then it might not be wise to put yourself in a position of 'connecting' with old friends. FB is exactly how the seed of my husband's affair got started. He no longer has a FB. Even as someone who has NEVER HAD THE compulsion to cheat, or to look outside of the marriage for any emotional support, I still limit my friends list and contacts to STRICTLY friends. NO ex's..ever. Might be something for you to consider. Is it a problem for your husband at all? Is he fully aware?
No, I have no impulse control problems anymore. (at least in terms of inappropriate relationships - it's a whole different story when it's about spending money on craft supplies...)
Facebook is not a problem. Mostly it is not that interesting to me and I only check it once a day or every few days. I mainly use it to keep in touch with family and old friends and post/see pictures of kids. Many of my friends travel for work (we're all musicians) and when you're stuck in a hotel in a city you don't know, it's nice to have communication with friends and be able to say, 'hey - i'm in Detroit, where can I find dairy free cake?' etc. have never 'friended' an ex. There are a few that have friended me, and I accepted out of curiosity about what they are doing now - not for any residual attraction. The impulse control problem and any inappropriate thoughts in my head disappeared immediately after revealing the affair. (If you could even call 10 minutes of extremely poor judgement an 'affair.') The pain I caused my husband was so severe it penetrated the permanant fog that floats around my brain, and it was like the malfunctioning wire in my that caused me to act out was suddenly cut. The remorse was unbearable, and still is if I think about it. Prior to the 'affair' had been other flirtations, but nothing physical. But... that doesn't stop me from feeling like a complete @$$ decades later.
I feel i am a completely different person in those terms. I am perplexed by my stupid behavior and I wonder if there is also a hormone shift once you hit 35 or maybe also after you give birth?
Yes, my husband is aware that there are two college boyfriends who are my FB friends. He also knows all my passwords and can read my messages and any of my emails if he wants to.
It must be so hard for you with all those reminders. Especially having to run into the woman at school functions. I can't imagine. I am now back in the city where this person lives and have had to take steps to avoid him. I have turned down jobs that would mean working with him, even turned down an offer from someone overseas who wanted to produce a show that we had co-written. It makes things difficult financially and is frustrating because i've basically quit the career path I thought I'd follow, but I just won't go there. For my husband and for myself.
Hang in there Sherri. If your husband is like me, (and if he's ADHD, we are like siblings i'm sure!) he feels a deep remorse and will never make that mistake again. I agree with you though that if it does happen again you will be at peace with your decision. But... don't dwell on that. Be positive with your husband. I know it's frustrating sometimes. I need a lot of encouragement from my husband and when he acknowledges progress I make (even small things like, 'Hey, Look! the kitchen is clean before midnight!") it means the world to me. When I 'slip up' and forget stuff, break stuff or lose stuff I count on him to know I can get back on track.
i have struggled, and struggled with this! i have past the impulsive flirt out loud and now ive tried really hard to avoid contacting him during spring break and i succeed until today, I went to his house (his wife contacted me)I was with him and his children. It was weird. its surreal, nothing happened....I cant begin to make myself understand any of it, i have never been in a situation like this before it seems to just keep getting weirder and weirder. i LOve him, but i am so proud of myself for practicing self control. I know I can do this, i've gotten over the initial hump, but its a struggle. I know ITS Wrong, i just cannot seem to understand how i keep getting involved...
I think what you need to do is look into the future and imagine how you will FEEL if you act on your emotions and the house of cards crumbles. You KNOW this man's family will be destroyed. You KNOW the children will be devastated, you KNOW his wife will be devastated as well as this man's parents, in-laws etc. etc. etc.... you KNOW a happy relationship with this man cannot exist in a bubble with no consequences, but what you need to do to stop yourself from doing something incredibly irresponsible is to make yourself FEEL the humiliation ahead of time. If you can do that, you will be REPULSED by the idea of an affair and you will have no temptation whatsoever. This is what non-ADHD people can do in a nanosecond when faced with an inappropriate attraction. TRUST me you will be glad if you can avoid a mess NOW. Your posts make me cringe because I see so much of my past thoughts/actions and the memory of my behavior makes me so ashamed. If you DID follow through with this, bust up the family and start a relationship with this man you KNOW in your heart, don't you, that you would be bored soon and wonder how you were ever so 'in love'??
Janey - Stop it. Enough. You love this guy? For real? You aren't kidding anyone. You need to read up on hyper-focusing and relate that to infatuation and ADD(HD).
You are in a position of trust and responsibility. Are you even thinking of those kids? When parents seperate isn't it the norm for kids to blame themselves? Are you willing to look into their faces and tell them the truth -"No it isn't you. I broke up your mommy and daddy."
Something else I'm not seeing you think about Janey. What about the dad? If the guy is compelled to have an affair and risk destroying everything, what makes you so confident that he wouldn't do it again, but to you? He would have done it once already so why not do it to you?
You're focusing on a dream and not the real aspect of it. So here's my take on reality and use it if you can.
That knight in shining armor sweeping the beautiful princess off her feet? Looks great in movies and books, but stop and look at the facts. That wonderful first kiss - news flash, they didn't use Crest and mouthwash back in the day. They didn't use deoderant or wear new clean clothes every single day and they didn't use teeth whiteners.
Love isn't wanting someone for the sake of having them. Love is after 7 years you still want very much to kiss that rotten mouthed, walking body order factory and asking for more. You - my dear Janey are infatuated. Big difference, and in this game all the players get hurt.
That's partly why i post. I need to hear things like this to make understand how very wrong it is. But for some bizarre reason I seem to get into these bizarre situations. I do like the drama, but i do not understand how it has come this far. I am infatuated with him, i do not think he is reciprocating this grandiose delusion. But my posts on hear seem bearable when I hear everyone tell me how zany they sound. The worst part about this scenario is I think they wife may be an undercover lesbian and be hyper focusing on me. This is a strange triangle i got myself involved in. I am very proud of myself for not acting impulsively on my thoughts, I am just a bit lost. When does the constant need for drama stop, and normality reign?
We are impulsive creatures by nature. The only way to let "normality" reign is to remove yourself from the temptation. I enjoy casinos and have issues with impulse control, so if I can not afford to gamble, I don't go in. If I can afford to gamble, I go in with no credit card, no ATM card, and only enough money to entertain myself. This way, I CAN'T lose my house, car, livelihood, etc. I understand my limitations, so I don't cross boundaries. It sounds to me like you know your limitations, so now you need to find a way to work within them. The way I see it you have 2 major issues at play, the infatuation, and your position of authority. If you can't get rid of one, you need to get rid of the other. Carrying this through to its bitter end will cause more of a headache than you can grasp, being "in the moment" so to speak. Part of the impulse control problems we ADDers have is an unusual perception of time. We can not see the consequences of our actions until we actually experience them. This is part of the benefit to a forum-type conversation, although we can not see the effect of our own actions, it does not affect our ability to see the end result of others' actions. (That, and the fact that there are several people here, including Mrs. Orlov, whose book just arrived today, who do not have ADD)
thanks, i am continuously struggling with my obsessions whether is be spending money i do not have, or meeting men that are unavailable. I have still yet to conquer the heightened need for stimulation phase. Sometimes I wish my life were "normal" and other times i ride high on these fantasies. Living a fantasy rich life seems to be my only escape. It seems like my thoughts are racing, my fantasies are very indulgent and know that severing all ties to this man is impossible i am not there yet. The weirdest kicker to this whole scenario is that I just do not understand how this is all came to be because , I am nice to a 5 year old, and because a 5 year old is in love with me. Does that make sense? that the mother is seductive with all her treats and the father is just lovely. My new thing is the mother is a lesbian and she likes me too...I could be very wrong but I do have to say this situation is beyond bizarre...
Focus on what your thoughts are and ask yourself, "is this reality?" re-read your post. It's all there: "living a fantasy rich life seems to be my only escape" so you fantasize and start to believe your fantasies and try to impose them on reality. "...I just do not understand how this is all came to be..." How did it come to be? you created it. End of story. You dreamed it up, then have been focusing all your energy on trying to make it happen. "the mother is seductive with all her treats" really? If she offers you a cookie is she flirting with you or is it just a cookie? perhaps she suspects you're after her husband and has decided to run interference. Who knows? It just sounds like you are making up a whole lot and trying to believe it's true and trying to bring this family into your puppet show. you are feeding the crush with fantasies.
keep a notebook and write down your fantasies. Wait a day, then go back and write in what is actually real on the opposite page. then compare the two and see if you can separate yourself.
and I'm with the others: just stop. Leave them alone.
Sorry Janey but that last post of yours was a bit much for me. I have ADD and I know the difference between right and wrong and controlling my impulsive nature. I don't understand your perspective at all. That last bit about the wife .......... I'm not getting myself kicked out of these forums.
I know a bit about Hyper-Focus and impulsive behavior. This can only end REAL Badly. Think of the children, then think of their devastated lives afterwards. I hope you move on for everyone's sake, including yourself.
I know I'm new to these boards but I just had to comment to you, Janey. I've been reading through your posts, and the others, telling you to cool it, and it seems you just keep on making excuses. IMHO, it appears you're living in a fantasy world, and nothing good is ever going to come of it.
You're in love with him? You don't even really know him. You've been to his house several times? Even after he gave you a polite brush off? You shouldn't have been there even once. You shouldn't have emailed him - especially to tell him your feelings. A 5 y/o is in love with you? The wife ...? I don't even understand that part. Do you "hear" yourself?
I have struggled my whole life with ADD and I'm familiar with fantasies but never anything like this. For your own sake - and the sake of that innocent family - perhaps you should remove yourself from their school - and, most definitely, from their life. Behavior like this is dangerous and unprofessional. In fact, it seems to me that maybe you should look for a different vocation altogether if you can't control these impulses around your students' parents.
Just because we may have ADD/ADHD doesn't mean we can just make excuses while attempting to destroy people's lives. Like everyone else, we have to be be held accountable for our actions. Sorry to sound so critical but it's a very dangerous game you're playing. Please think about how much pain you can cause, not just to the parents, but to that child for the rest of his life.
This is one of my boundaries with my Fiancee. There is no reason for him to be friends on Facebook or other social media with "Exes". His ex wives, ex girlfriends, or women he has been intimate with. There is no reason to maintain a connection with any of these women...NONE.
There are many posts after this one with people all telling you the same thing - get out of your fantasy world and stop stepping into other people's lives. When you heard me speak this month I'm hoping you took away the idea that you don't have to remain destructively impulsive - you do have control over your ADHD symptoms should you decide to take it. I know that you sit comfortably in this "I'm not responsible to others" space at the moment, but since you like fantasies, I would ask you to create one for yourself. Imagine you live in a rich world filled with love and a fabulous, exciting relationship...perhaps it includes a couple of kids whom you adore. Your life seems perfect. Then a schoolteacher with no impulse control comes into your life. You think she has your child's interests in mind - she is his teacher after all - so you look the other way when she visits - even when she flirts with your husband. But suddenly you find that your life is changed forever because you find out your husband prefers to pay attention to this teacher and has started a short affair. To make things worse, this teacher has fantasies about "take over your family" and become your son's second mom. The affair doesn't last long because the explosion in your husband's life is too hard for him to bear and he tosses the teacher aside. But your feelings for your husband - your sense of trust, your happiness...are forever altered. Pretend you are the wife in this case, not the school teacher. How does that feel to you? What would be your emotions? How would you pull yourself together? What has the schoolteacher gained?
So I would like to approach your comments from a slightly different angle. You say "I have gone to this man's house a few times and have not done anything." B>>>S;:: You "did something" the minute you went to his house looking for drama once you knew you were attracted to him. I say this for several reasons - first, you don't know the dynamics in the family (what you describe is so bizarre that I must assume that you are fantasizing at least some of it). For some people just having a spouse who allows a person who demonstrates interest in them into the house can start a war with an uncertain ending. Second, you are pretty clear in what you write (overtly and between the lines) - the reason you haven't done anything isn't because you wish to hold back but rather that he hasn't invited your advances. You are the pursuer here, not him, and when you go to his house you DEFINITELY are "doing something" destructive.
So here's my concrete advice:
Stop going to this man's house. Period. There is no real reason you must go there. If you must meet with the family, ask they come to the school or another public place.
Erase the man's email from your email list.
Find a good therapist who can help you. Look in my resources section and you'll find the name of a person who is in your same town who is very good. She's somewhat expensive, but well worth the money. Your behavior is self-destructive and you need to understand where that comes from and why so you can start to love yourself more realistically and better than you currently do
Seek better ADHD treatment - you need "brakes" You may be happy with what you consider a non-conformist life right now, but "non-conformity" is your way of "dressing up" your symptom of impulsivity. As you get older what you will find is that your unwillingness to consider the feelings of others will leave you lonely and, someday, angry that others end up shunning you (as will likely happen in this scenario if it plays out - lots of people would disapprove of your current behavior were it to come to light, as you already suspect. You might even lose your job for it.) You deserve better than living a life of self-destruction.
This attaches some really great points. I am curious, what makes me the pursuer not him? what would be explicit advances as opposed to the ones I infer that I have held back and he has not invited my advances. That fantasy sounds scary about me being the wife, and being on the other side. It freaks me out, its a little convoluted. His wife trusts me, and when I look at his kids i feel so bad, unfortunately i have two more month to be in this bizarre triangle and then it will all be over. I know I was wrong for going to his house and luckily he did not do anything because had he done something I might not have walked away. For me the hardest thing to control is my impulsive behavior. It is my drug. So in terms of me thinking their family situation is bizarre you think i have created that in my rich fantasy? i often wonder if I have I mean, i have been teaching for 6 years and I must say i have never ever been in a situation like before. Im not prone to having affairs or falling for men with wives other than thinking someone is cute. I have been very lost, i do go to therapy and my doctor asked what I learned from this man and this what I said: he makes me feel good about myself, he makes me feel like I am as good as him, he makes me feel like I can be an adult and take care of real life adult situations(christmas time he gave me an offer i could not refuse) and I took it and learned that I was capable of taking care of life on a bigger sale alone, he believes in me, he thinks i am pretty, he notices the littlest things like kicking a ball, or finding a coat. Obviously I have no written the whole story on this forum just in case someone I know reads it, but he makes me feel special. I want to find someone to love me who is available, I would never ever want to hurt this man or his family, so i vowed to myself i would not contact them over spring break, and that was very hard for me considering i think about this man 99% of the day...Slowly but surely i am sure this feeling will subside and i will think he is an even better person for not being as impulsive as my thoughts....Thanks for your insight it made me think.
"he makes me feel good about myself, he makes me feel like I am as good as him, he makes me feel like I can be an adult and take care of real life adult situations(christmas time he gave me an offer i could not refuse) and I took it and learned that I was capable of taking care of life on a bigger sale alone, he believes in me, he thinks i am pretty, he notices the littlest things like kicking a ball, or finding a coat. Obviously I have no written the whole story on this forum just in case someone I know reads it, but he makes me feel special."
The same can probably be said about his wife...and his children...that he makes them feel special too. You ARE an adult. If you can't "feel like" one on your own, then your next best option is to emotionally mooch off of another woman's husband to make yourself feel special?
If you think the 'fantasy' Melissa pointed out "freaks you out" a little, imagine that THERE IS SOMEONE RIGHT NOW LIVING THAT CONVOLUTED FANTASY AND THAT IS HIS WIFE!!!
You're wrong..you don't have to spend another SECOND in this "triangle" (probably only a triangle in your reality)...whether school ends tomorrow or next year...you are choosing to thrust yourself upon this innocent, unsuspecting family.
What makes you the pursuer is YOU WENT TO HIS HOUSE!!! By invite or not, whether you played tiddly winks or had sex for hours on end..YOU WENT TO HIS HOUSE..on more than one occasion. You act perfect 'sane' one minute, realizing how dangerous and wrong this situation is and you act as though we are all crazy for feeling you're not really seeing this situation realistically and the next you're calling his wife a lesbian, proclaiming your propensity to chase married men, and trying to convince us that the child would really like you as his new mommy because he's (obviously to you) in love with you. I keep hoping, to be honest, that this ends up being some kind of joke. I don't think this has anything to do with ADD.
so you think its jus my own stupidity.?And you dont think its a triangle i am just confused. im lost i dont know thats why i wrote on this forum. I am very insecure, as when this guy paid attention to me it was like the most amazing feeling. I know hanging out with him is wrong and will not pursue him at all, im just stuck with these thoughts that i cannot seem to get rid of. i obsess..
that the people who are the most disturbed by your as yet (according to you) unenacted fantasies have for the most part themselves been hurt by ADHD partners who impulsively acted out what they thought were harmless fantasies. What too will happen to your professional designation if she sets you up to be together so she can observe if there is a reaction between the two of you. Be honest with the wife, say I'm sorry I cant come over to talk to you about your child because I am irrationally attracted to your husband. You are welcome to come to the school to meet with me but leave him at home. You know impulsivity is part of ADHD. Just remove yourself from the situation. I assure you, there are other men out there. Find a way to boost your self confidence and they will come out of the wood work.
I was showing my friends all the comments and all my friends said the same thing, that everyone on here generalizes. I know affairs of the heart are bad. I am not advocating in any way shape or form that I think they are true love. I would not tell her I am irrationally attracted to your husband because I have a feeling she already knows. I know I have mentioned it being a triangle because that is the only way I can see it. I have become extremely close to both of them this year. This is why I think she already knows i like him. I should mention I absolutely do not meet to talk about children and their progress at their homes. I take care of school related work at school. If I make a visit to a students home it is unrelated to school business. While I think its a strange situation and everyone else seems to disagree, I guess to each' own. I like this man so much and think he is a wonderful human being. Do I want him to leave his wife and children for me absolutely NOT! Men may come out of the wood work, I am sure but men like him are few and far between. The one about him not inviting my advances, that confused because what kinds of advances. I always make sure to be far away from him when we are alone. When we are not alone and in the presence of others its a bit safer to be closer because nothing can happen. This is why I think his wife knows. The night we all hung out him and I stood pretty close and we chatted for a long while. It was a safe place. While I do not think I am an anomaly to any affair rule, I do know that every situation is different. i do have a rich fantasy life, yes but i often wonder if I am seeing this situation for what it is or am have my thoughts been a bit skewed from reality.
This post made me think long and hard. First who said anything about taking over this woman's family? is that what most women in affairs want, because until you said that I had no intention of any of that. Second, I am the pursuer because he is married so its obviously me not him? and Third he has not invited my advances, that's why we have not hooked up? Those all confused me, I spoke to my therapist and he said this:
I was not the pursuer, Nothing happened because we were not on the same page, and taking over a family is just absurd considering I have no clue if I ever want to get married and have a family. People are all different especially people with ADHD. I am very intimidated by men so to think I would pursue anyone is crazy, let alone a married man.
Agree w Sherri and one more thing: step down from being his childs teacher or risk administrative action when you decide to "follow your heart" and try to ruin this mans life, his relationship (whatever his situation is, none of your busoness!), and the lives of his loved ones. THINK about your comments, and act more professionally/maturely.
Is this post a joke? Does
Submitted by SherriW13 on
Is this post a joke? Does this have something to do with ADHD?
Leave him alone and keep your feelings to yourself. He's married and what you did (and what he did) is wrong and you're playing with fire...and could destroy not only his wife's life, but his child's too. Do you not have enough self-control to even consider you'd potentially lose your job and the respect of all of the other parents and teachers at your school? This is really infuriating to me to see an adult act like they need "to validate what I was feeling" like you're a teenager. You're messing with the lives of many people all because of your whim. Leave him alone and find someone single to 'visit with'.
its not a joke- it infuriates
Submitted by Janey on
its not a joke- it infuriates me as well, as to why i do not understand the mystification of people and relationships. That's why I wrote it, because theoretically what you see as cut and dry , I clearly do not. Its feedback like yours that make my reevaluate who I am. And why I am so impulsive and am in constant need for stimulation.
No joke...
Submitted by YYZ on
I understand impulsiveness all to well. Have you seen a doctor about suspecting you have ADHD? That is the first step. There are many good books on the subject. This website has helped me learn even more about the disorder by reading posts made by both ADDer's and Non-ADDer's. I have learned so much about how this thing affects the people around me. If you are like me, maybe you did not even suspect you had ADHD until years into adulthood. I was over 40 years old before I found out, now two years later I'm still working on putting things together.
Don't give up, get help and keep reading and working on yourself and things Can improve.
YYZ
hi
Submitted by Janey on
I have ADHD and have known for quite some time, my life has completely changed since I found out but the one thing I cannot get a grasp on is the men situation. the limitation the boundaries, the right from wrong. I don't grasp relationships because I have never been in one. This felt like it could be more than it is, and then it got weird. and I found myself back at square one. I try to fight the urges to email him but they are hard. I have not yet succumbed to an email this week but the week is still young,,,,,,,,,,,,,,ladidadida
Boundaries...
Submitted by YYZ on
ADHDer's typically use the impulsive behavior to create adrenalin rushes which help keep us awake or interested. Sexual attactions surely count in this method to stay awake/not bored, as do fast cars, shopping and any number of things of this sort. The dangers of the relationship you describe are exactly the types of rushes that are part of ADHD as well as the Hyper-Focus on this guy. If your students father is flirting back to you just think of the mess this could turn into.
Medication has really helped me with my impulses. They are by No means gone, but I can usually pause and think before taking action.
YYZ
The medication has worked
Submitted by Janey on
The medication has worked wonders -im digging myself out of debt(i lost all my money), I ve gone to this mans house a few times and have no done anything. I am obsessed with this man and im just not sure what to do. Finally someone who understands, its the drama I crave, this happens to be a wonderful man who also has not given in and im pretty sure he wont but for a while it got pretty scary I guess the ground is still a bit shaky but only two more month of school so hopefully the summer will hit - I will no longer see him and i will just have no contact with him................For people who dont have adhd they dont understand the impact some of these simple things have on people like me.....:0(
No, I don't have ADHD and
Submitted by SherriW13 on
No, I don't have ADHD and don't understand what it is like to be in your position, but I do have an ADHD husband who has cheated on me and I imagine it had a lot to do with some of the impulses you talk about...and let me share with you the devastation and destruction it caused me and my children...
No, nevermind..seems you've made up your mind that you will excuse this behavior with your ADHD...and you've somehow convinced yourself that it has rendered you helpless in this situation. (utter BS in my book, but I'm not up to trying to change your mind at this point).
It really pisses me off when people married to ADHDers claim "they can't/don't/won't change!" because it implies that they have no will of their own and lack the inherent human ability to change..never thought I would see the day that an ADHDer used "I can't help it" as an excuse to play with the lives of so many innocent people all for a thrill. You're proving all of the bitter, angry people here right...that ADHDers 'just can't help themselves' therefore are incapable of change. ugh.
I know you're hurting sherri
Submitted by simora on
I saw some of the recent posts. But I think that halo is slipping. Don't get caught up in that anger and bitterness. If he... or she, is unwilling to attempt change, understanding full well the effects, that is as much themselves as it is ADHD. You know that there are many of us who use every therapeutic strategy available. This rant, I wont take personally because I know you are better than this, but you owe it to both of you to turf him if there is no hope. You gave it a good try. Its tragic, but it sounds like you guys are done for now.
I was being sarcastic...I,
Submitted by SherriW13 on
I was being sarcastic...I, guess I should have pointed that out. I'm not bitter, just angry that this person acts like ADHD is an excuse to behave this way. I know better. Or at least I like to, as a general rule, give ADHDers the benefit of the doubt. Yes, it comes with impulse issues and some things are done that are later regretted, but this just feels completely different than that. Apparently this has gone on long enough for this poster to have a good sense that it's just.not.right...but she chooses to do it anyway.
Change
Submitted by YYZ on
I am sorry for the pain you have gone through Sherri. Change is not easy, the meds help make it possible, but you have to want to make changes to how you have learned to deal with everything. It's weird... Marital infidelity must be the hardest thing to go through. I cannot begin to understand the pain you have and are going through. One thing I have known from day 1 with my wife, is that cheating is not forgivable in her eyes. This is a boundary that I have always understood.
When I learned of my ADD there were so many things that matched my behaviors. Reading posts, like yours, I began to understand the monster this thing can be.
I have to believe I can continue to change, but if there can be no forgiveness for any past behaviors, it makes change even harder.
Best wishes, Sherri
YYZ
It was hard...but I did
Submitted by SherriW13 on
It was hard...but I did forgive him and it is not an issue anymore except for some lingering fear that it'll happen again. It has nothing to do with what is going on now though, but thank you for your kind words. I know he can change, I saw him change, but now I'm fearful that it was 15 months of hyperfocus and now he's just back to square one. I'm holding on and praying. I don't know what else to do. We haven't had a marriage to speak of...not so much as a decent conversation (about anything other than him) for 6 weeks. It is very hard.
Fear of going back
Submitted by YYZ on
I don't like how I feel when I wake up. It reminds me of how I used to think and feel. I cannot go back there! You mention 15 months of Hyperfocus, and I understand what you are saying. I'm about 22 months post diagnosis and for the last 5 or 6 months the ADD is old news and doesn't seem to be relevant to my wife, really it never seemed to be a big deal to her. She never read about ADD or ever went to this website, which I think could have really helped move us forward. We are slowly moving in the right direction. I wonder when things are supposed to feel like everything is right? Maybe there is no Normal or Right. Time seems to be helping and patience has Not improved with study and medication. It is easy for communication to break down, but I think I can at least see when it starts to happen and try to correct it, ask her to lunch, keep off the laptop and iPhone when she is in the room. Little signs that I think she sees.
The recovery IS Very Hard!
YYZ
Finding out you have
Submitted by Janey on
Finding out you have something that now has a label and a face can be very disturbing. I got this diagnosis April 19,2010. My life has changed dramatically- its had its ups and downs- but I know how bad my life was before and i would never want to go back there. Relationships are hard enough without having ADHD adding that to the mix makes it seem unbearable at times and other times wonderful. The recovery of anything is difficult, relapse is always a prevalent part in the recovery- because it seems like you have to work doubly hard at something just to have it make sense in the eyes of someone else. Im not a bad, mean or vindictive person but I know alot of times I want to do things and I have to say to myself, will this be considered a wrong thing or a right thing. I try really hard to make sure I do not stand out, I used to not care but now it seems as though I no longer want to the societies "black sheep"...thanks for writing...-J
...and the cheating wasn't
Submitted by SherriW13 on
...and the cheating wasn't recent...well, it was 18 months ago...and I am not at all bitter about it...towards him, I have completely forgiven him and gave him a clean slate. It was a horrible time for both of us...he lost job and then his mom died..and I lost my Daddy. So, my response isn't full of bitterness about that...just to clarify.
Hi
Submitted by Janey on
Hi Sherri-
I would like to say I am empathetic to your post. It has been very hard for me to do the right thing, I have not had any sort of sexual relationship with this man, and I have no intention of. But I do worry I have somehow managed to become very close to his wife, and it makes it more difficult. I have no idea how I became a monopoly piece in their lives. I have lots of respect for their family and while I know i did cross the line, i do understand that NOTHING can happen and it will not go further. But its very hard for me to stop thinking about him especially when he plays such a vital role in my daily life. I have two more months to live in this situation then as sad as i will be the summer will be here and I can be free of it, because i do know how wrong my behavior has been. And the weird part is im not sure how I even got to this point. Its something ive been struggling with but I would never want to harm this family in any way, and this is why as soon as I can i will remove myself from their lives. Unfortunately it will be at the end of June but i will try my hardest to just stay away and keep his email address off my radar. Im not blaming the ADHD i blame me but it is my impulsive behavior that connects me to the ADHD that I put at fault.
Janey
not that long...
Submitted by ellamenno on
Hi Sherri,
I know this post is old, but wanted to say: 18 months really isn't that long.
I am the ADHD wife and I did something stupid 12 years ago. I didn't know I was ADHD and also felt the 'i can't help it' thing. The person involved was a mentor, teacher and collegue and I got into this thing where my self-esteem depended on this person's approval. It was a one-time stupid, awful thing that I regretted instantly and I tried to keep it to myself for two years. I had a nervous breakdown, panic attacks and depression.... I confessed it to my husband and he nearly left me. we had counseling. I took antidepressants. Things got better, and we moved far away and got on with our marriage. However, he still has issues with me regarding trust.... even now. a year or two ago I joined Facebook and reconnected with some people, including some exes. It was kind of fun seeing pictures of people with their kids, wrinkles and we've all got extra pounds, and I sent a few messages back and forth with my college boyfriend (we were 18 & 19 when we were dating) - nothing at all flirtatious, mostly just talking about our kids. I was trying to write short fiction at the time, and started a story about a woman reconnecting with an ex. I'd decided she would give up everything, go to the city where this guy was to start a new life with him only to find that his online identity was no where close to reality and that she'd totally made a mistake... except I'd only written the first paragraph about reconnecting with him and exchanging emails. Below that paragraph was a rough outline of the story with bullet points, but I hadn't written more than the first paragraph. My husband happened upon what i'd written because my daughter woke up from her nap and i left the computer to go get her. He only read the first paragraph, didn't see the outline for the rest of the story, assumed it was some kind of diary or journal and for six weeks he was cold, distant and angry. I kept asking him what was wrong. he kept saying 'nothing'. I knew i must have done something stupid, but couldn't figure out what it was. Finally i just wouldn't take 'nothing' for an answer and finally got out of him what happened. He was shaking with anger, and said "this is so hard for me to say... I've been so pissed..." I laughed initially, because i just couldn't believe it. I told him it was just a story. He didn't believe me until I walked him over to the computer, opened my personal folder, then opened the folder marked "Crappy Fiction Writing Exercies" that showed 4 or 5 titles of crappy stories i'd written, this one being one of them. When I asked why he didn't confront me, he said he didn't want to make me upset because i'd fall apart and not be able to take care of our daughter. I told him that he was making me MORE upset by acting so angry when i had no idea what i'd done!
I have spent over a decade proving to my husband that I can be trusted... I think finally he is starting to believe me, but it's been a lot of work.
Hi, and thanks. No, 18 months
Submitted by SherriW13 on
Hi, and thanks. No, 18 months isn't a long time, but I had to come to a point in my life that I realized that obsessing over the fear that he'll cheat again was only going to put me in an early grave. I am not 100% past the pain..I still have to drive by where they had their set of apartments on my way to school, I still have to see her when my daughter has school events (her daugther is the same age), I still have moments where I can't wrap my mind around how he could do it...but I don't have the overwhelming, gut wrenching fear and pain I had when I found out. I'm not angry with him about it, I have forgiven him...but forgetting will never happen..I'm human. A lot about it I can't explain here...but there was a lot of remorse...a lot of accountability...and a lot of jumping through hoops, even still...and all of that helped me to put the anger behind me.
I am on a journey of acceptance...and creating healthy boundaries for myself..and finding my strength in life, that isn't directly dependent on anyone but God himself. I have a peace about his infidelity that I never had. I have a peace about knowing that if it happens again, there will be no amount of remorse, begging, or excuses (made by him OR by myself) that will ever be enough...I am gone...and knowing that he knows this helps me get through the day. In the meantime, I give him 100%...on my best days...when I stumble, I still get back up and aim at giving 100%. I will have no regrets, either way.
I would like to add that if you feel you have a problem with being able to control your impulses, then it might not be wise to put yourself in a position of 'connecting' with old friends. FB is exactly how the seed of my husband's affair got started. He no longer has a FB. Even as someone who has NEVER HAD THE compulsion to cheat, or to look outside of the marriage for any emotional support, I still limit my friends list and contacts to STRICTLY friends. NO ex's..ever. Might be something for you to consider. Is it a problem for your husband at all? Is he fully aware?
childbirth changes you
Submitted by ellamenno on
No, I have no impulse control problems anymore. (at least in terms of inappropriate relationships - it's a whole different story when it's about spending money on craft supplies...)
Facebook is not a problem. Mostly it is not that interesting to me and I only check it once a day or every few days. I mainly use it to keep in touch with family and old friends and post/see pictures of kids. Many of my friends travel for work (we're all musicians) and when you're stuck in a hotel in a city you don't know, it's nice to have communication with friends and be able to say, 'hey - i'm in Detroit, where can I find dairy free cake?' etc. have never 'friended' an ex. There are a few that have friended me, and I accepted out of curiosity about what they are doing now - not for any residual attraction. The impulse control problem and any inappropriate thoughts in my head disappeared immediately after revealing the affair. (If you could even call 10 minutes of extremely poor judgement an 'affair.') The pain I caused my husband was so severe it penetrated the permanant fog that floats around my brain, and it was like the malfunctioning wire in my that caused me to act out was suddenly cut. The remorse was unbearable, and still is if I think about it. Prior to the 'affair' had been other flirtations, but nothing physical. But... that doesn't stop me from feeling like a complete @$$ decades later.
I feel i am a completely different person in those terms. I am perplexed by my stupid behavior and I wonder if there is also a hormone shift once you hit 35 or maybe also after you give birth?
PS
Submitted by ellamenno on
Yes, my husband is aware that there are two college boyfriends who are my FB friends. He also knows all my passwords and can read my messages and any of my emails if he wants to.
It must be so hard for you with all those reminders. Especially having to run into the woman at school functions. I can't imagine. I am now back in the city where this person lives and have had to take steps to avoid him. I have turned down jobs that would mean working with him, even turned down an offer from someone overseas who wanted to produce a show that we had co-written. It makes things difficult financially and is frustrating because i've basically quit the career path I thought I'd follow, but I just won't go there. For my husband and for myself.
Hang in there Sherri. If your husband is like me, (and if he's ADHD, we are like siblings i'm sure!) he feels a deep remorse and will never make that mistake again. I agree with you though that if it does happen again you will be at peace with your decision. But... don't dwell on that. Be positive with your husband. I know it's frustrating sometimes. I need a lot of encouragement from my husband and when he acknowledges progress I make (even small things like, 'Hey, Look! the kitchen is clean before midnight!") it means the world to me. When I 'slip up' and forget stuff, break stuff or lose stuff I count on him to know I can get back on track.
Hang in there!
i have struggled, and
Submitted by Janey on
i have struggled, and struggled with this! i have past the impulsive flirt out loud and now ive tried really hard to avoid contacting him during spring break and i succeed until today, I went to his house (his wife contacted me)I was with him and his children. It was weird. its surreal, nothing happened....I cant begin to make myself understand any of it, i have never been in a situation like this before it seems to just keep getting weirder and weirder. i LOve him, but i am so proud of myself for practicing self control. I know I can do this, i've gotten over the initial hump, but its a struggle. I know ITS Wrong, i just cannot seem to understand how i keep getting involved...
look into the future, Janey
Submitted by ellamenno on
Hi Janey,
I think what you need to do is look into the future and imagine how you will FEEL if you act on your emotions and the house of cards crumbles. You KNOW this man's family will be destroyed. You KNOW the children will be devastated, you KNOW his wife will be devastated as well as this man's parents, in-laws etc. etc. etc.... you KNOW a happy relationship with this man cannot exist in a bubble with no consequences, but what you need to do to stop yourself from doing something incredibly irresponsible is to make yourself FEEL the humiliation ahead of time. If you can do that, you will be REPULSED by the idea of an affair and you will have no temptation whatsoever. This is what non-ADHD people can do in a nanosecond when faced with an inappropriate attraction. TRUST me you will be glad if you can avoid a mess NOW. Your posts make me cringe because I see so much of my past thoughts/actions and the memory of my behavior makes me so ashamed. If you DID follow through with this, bust up the family and start a relationship with this man you KNOW in your heart, don't you, that you would be bored soon and wonder how you were ever so 'in love'??
Time to step in here
Submitted by DF on
Janey - Stop it. Enough. You love this guy? For real? You aren't kidding anyone. You need to read up on hyper-focusing and relate that to infatuation and ADD(HD).
You are in a position of trust and responsibility. Are you even thinking of those kids? When parents seperate isn't it the norm for kids to blame themselves? Are you willing to look into their faces and tell them the truth -"No it isn't you. I broke up your mommy and daddy."
Something else I'm not seeing you think about Janey. What about the dad? If the guy is compelled to have an affair and risk destroying everything, what makes you so confident that he wouldn't do it again, but to you? He would have done it once already so why not do it to you?
You're focusing on a dream and not the real aspect of it. So here's my take on reality and use it if you can.
That knight in shining armor sweeping the beautiful princess off her feet? Looks great in movies and books, but stop and look at the facts. That wonderful first kiss - news flash, they didn't use Crest and mouthwash back in the day. They didn't use deoderant or wear new clean clothes every single day and they didn't use teeth whiteners.
Love isn't wanting someone for the sake of having them. Love is after 7 years you still want very much to kiss that rotten mouthed, walking body order factory and asking for more. You - my dear Janey are infatuated. Big difference, and in this game all the players get hurt.
That's partly why i post. I
Submitted by Janey on
That's partly why i post. I need to hear things like this to make understand how very wrong it is. But for some bizarre reason I seem to get into these bizarre situations. I do like the drama, but i do not understand how it has come this far. I am infatuated with him, i do not think he is reciprocating this grandiose delusion. But my posts on hear seem bearable when I hear everyone tell me how zany they sound. The worst part about this scenario is I think they wife may be an undercover lesbian and be hyper focusing on me. This is a strange triangle i got myself involved in. I am very proud of myself for not acting impulsively on my thoughts, I am just a bit lost. When does the constant need for drama stop, and normality reign?
cut all ties
Submitted by mwilliams433 on
Janey,
We are impulsive creatures by nature. The only way to let "normality" reign is to remove yourself from the temptation. I enjoy casinos and have issues with impulse control, so if I can not afford to gamble, I don't go in. If I can afford to gamble, I go in with no credit card, no ATM card, and only enough money to entertain myself. This way, I CAN'T lose my house, car, livelihood, etc. I understand my limitations, so I don't cross boundaries. It sounds to me like you know your limitations, so now you need to find a way to work within them. The way I see it you have 2 major issues at play, the infatuation, and your position of authority. If you can't get rid of one, you need to get rid of the other. Carrying this through to its bitter end will cause more of a headache than you can grasp, being "in the moment" so to speak. Part of the impulse control problems we ADDers have is an unusual perception of time. We can not see the consequences of our actions until we actually experience them. This is part of the benefit to a forum-type conversation, although we can not see the effect of our own actions, it does not affect our ability to see the end result of others' actions. (That, and the fact that there are several people here, including Mrs. Orlov, whose book just arrived today, who do not have ADD)
thanks, i am continuously
Submitted by Janey on
thanks, i am continuously struggling with my obsessions whether is be spending money i do not have, or meeting men that are unavailable. I have still yet to conquer the heightened need for stimulation phase. Sometimes I wish my life were "normal" and other times i ride high on these fantasies. Living a fantasy rich life seems to be my only escape. It seems like my thoughts are racing, my fantasies are very indulgent and know that severing all ties to this man is impossible i am not there yet. The weirdest kicker to this whole scenario is that I just do not understand how this is all came to be because , I am nice to a 5 year old, and because a 5 year old is in love with me. Does that make sense? that the mother is seductive with all her treats and the father is just lovely. My new thing is the mother is a lesbian and she likes me too...I could be very wrong but I do have to say this situation is beyond bizarre...
Get the fantasies under control
Submitted by ellamenno on
Focus on what your thoughts are and ask yourself, "is this reality?" re-read your post. It's all there: "living a fantasy rich life seems to be my only escape" so you fantasize and start to believe your fantasies and try to impose them on reality. "...I just do not understand how this is all came to be..." How did it come to be? you created it. End of story. You dreamed it up, then have been focusing all your energy on trying to make it happen. "the mother is seductive with all her treats" really? If she offers you a cookie is she flirting with you or is it just a cookie? perhaps she suspects you're after her husband and has decided to run interference. Who knows? It just sounds like you are making up a whole lot and trying to believe it's true and trying to bring this family into your puppet show. you are feeding the crush with fantasies.
keep a notebook and write down your fantasies. Wait a day, then go back and write in what is actually real on the opposite page. then compare the two and see if you can separate yourself.
and I'm with the others: just stop. Leave them alone.
That's it. I'm out
Submitted by DF on
Sorry Janey but that last post of yours was a bit much for me. I have ADD and I know the difference between right and wrong and controlling my impulsive nature. I don't understand your perspective at all. That last bit about the wife .......... I'm not getting myself kicked out of these forums.
Please focus on yourself, Janey...
Submitted by YYZ on
I know a bit about Hyper-Focus and impulsive behavior. This can only end REAL Badly. Think of the children, then think of their devastated lives afterwards. I hope you move on for everyone's sake, including yourself.
YYZ
Are You For Real?
Submitted by Old Gramma on
I know I'm new to these boards but I just had to comment to you, Janey. I've been reading through your posts, and the others, telling you to cool it, and it seems you just keep on making excuses. IMHO, it appears you're living in a fantasy world, and nothing good is ever going to come of it.
You're in love with him? You don't even really know him. You've been to his house several times? Even after he gave you a polite brush off? You shouldn't have been there even once. You shouldn't have emailed him - especially to tell him your feelings. A 5 y/o is in love with you? The wife ...? I don't even understand that part. Do you "hear" yourself?
I have struggled my whole life with ADD and I'm familiar with fantasies but never anything like this. For your own sake - and the sake of that innocent family - perhaps you should remove yourself from their school - and, most definitely, from their life. Behavior like this is dangerous and unprofessional. In fact, it seems to me that maybe you should look for a different vocation altogether if you can't control these impulses around your students' parents.
Just because we may have ADD/ADHD doesn't mean we can just make excuses while attempting to destroy people's lives. Like everyone else, we have to be be held accountable for our actions. Sorry to sound so critical but it's a very dangerous game you're playing. Please think about how much pain you can cause, not just to the parents, but to that child for the rest of his life.
Boundaries
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
This is one of my boundaries with my Fiancee. There is no reason for him to be friends on Facebook or other social media with "Exes". His ex wives, ex girlfriends, or women he has been intimate with. There is no reason to maintain a connection with any of these women...NONE.
For Janey - "I have never done anything"
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
There are many posts after this one with people all telling you the same thing - get out of your fantasy world and stop stepping into other people's lives. When you heard me speak this month I'm hoping you took away the idea that you don't have to remain destructively impulsive - you do have control over your ADHD symptoms should you decide to take it. I know that you sit comfortably in this "I'm not responsible to others" space at the moment, but since you like fantasies, I would ask you to create one for yourself. Imagine you live in a rich world filled with love and a fabulous, exciting relationship...perhaps it includes a couple of kids whom you adore. Your life seems perfect. Then a schoolteacher with no impulse control comes into your life. You think she has your child's interests in mind - she is his teacher after all - so you look the other way when she visits - even when she flirts with your husband. But suddenly you find that your life is changed forever because you find out your husband prefers to pay attention to this teacher and has started a short affair. To make things worse, this teacher has fantasies about "take over your family" and become your son's second mom. The affair doesn't last long because the explosion in your husband's life is too hard for him to bear and he tosses the teacher aside. But your feelings for your husband - your sense of trust, your happiness...are forever altered. Pretend you are the wife in this case, not the school teacher. How does that feel to you? What would be your emotions? How would you pull yourself together? What has the schoolteacher gained?
So I would like to approach your comments from a slightly different angle. You say "I have gone to this man's house a few times and have not done anything." B>>>S;:: You "did something" the minute you went to his house looking for drama once you knew you were attracted to him. I say this for several reasons - first, you don't know the dynamics in the family (what you describe is so bizarre that I must assume that you are fantasizing at least some of it). For some people just having a spouse who allows a person who demonstrates interest in them into the house can start a war with an uncertain ending. Second, you are pretty clear in what you write (overtly and between the lines) - the reason you haven't done anything isn't because you wish to hold back but rather that he hasn't invited your advances. You are the pursuer here, not him, and when you go to his house you DEFINITELY are "doing something" destructive.
So here's my concrete advice:
This attaches some really
Submitted by Janey on
This attaches some really great points. I am curious, what makes me the pursuer not him? what would be explicit advances as opposed to the ones I infer that I have held back and he has not invited my advances. That fantasy sounds scary about me being the wife, and being on the other side. It freaks me out, its a little convoluted. His wife trusts me, and when I look at his kids i feel so bad, unfortunately i have two more month to be in this bizarre triangle and then it will all be over. I know I was wrong for going to his house and luckily he did not do anything because had he done something I might not have walked away. For me the hardest thing to control is my impulsive behavior. It is my drug. So in terms of me thinking their family situation is bizarre you think i have created that in my rich fantasy? i often wonder if I have I mean, i have been teaching for 6 years and I must say i have never ever been in a situation like before. Im not prone to having affairs or falling for men with wives other than thinking someone is cute. I have been very lost, i do go to therapy and my doctor asked what I learned from this man and this what I said: he makes me feel good about myself, he makes me feel like I am as good as him, he makes me feel like I can be an adult and take care of real life adult situations(christmas time he gave me an offer i could not refuse) and I took it and learned that I was capable of taking care of life on a bigger sale alone, he believes in me, he thinks i am pretty, he notices the littlest things like kicking a ball, or finding a coat. Obviously I have no written the whole story on this forum just in case someone I know reads it, but he makes me feel special. I want to find someone to love me who is available, I would never ever want to hurt this man or his family, so i vowed to myself i would not contact them over spring break, and that was very hard for me considering i think about this man 99% of the day...Slowly but surely i am sure this feeling will subside and i will think he is an even better person for not being as impulsive as my thoughts....Thanks for your insight it made me think.
"he makes me feel good about
Submitted by SherriW13 on
"he makes me feel good about myself, he makes me feel like I am as good as him, he makes me feel like I can be an adult and take care of real life adult situations(christmas time he gave me an offer i could not refuse) and I took it and learned that I was capable of taking care of life on a bigger sale alone, he believes in me, he thinks i am pretty, he notices the littlest things like kicking a ball, or finding a coat. Obviously I have no written the whole story on this forum just in case someone I know reads it, but he makes me feel special."
The same can probably be said about his wife...and his children...that he makes them feel special too. You ARE an adult. If you can't "feel like" one on your own, then your next best option is to emotionally mooch off of another woman's husband to make yourself feel special?
If you think the 'fantasy' Melissa pointed out "freaks you out" a little, imagine that THERE IS SOMEONE RIGHT NOW LIVING THAT CONVOLUTED FANTASY AND THAT IS HIS WIFE!!!
You're wrong..you don't have to spend another SECOND in this "triangle" (probably only a triangle in your reality)...whether school ends tomorrow or next year...you are choosing to thrust yourself upon this innocent, unsuspecting family.
What makes you the pursuer is YOU WENT TO HIS HOUSE!!! By invite or not, whether you played tiddly winks or had sex for hours on end..YOU WENT TO HIS HOUSE..on more than one occasion. You act perfect 'sane' one minute, realizing how dangerous and wrong this situation is and you act as though we are all crazy for feeling you're not really seeing this situation realistically and the next you're calling his wife a lesbian, proclaiming your propensity to chase married men, and trying to convince us that the child would really like you as his new mommy because he's (obviously to you) in love with you. I keep hoping, to be honest, that this ends up being some kind of joke. I don't think this has anything to do with ADD.
so you think its jus my own
Submitted by Janey on
so you think its jus my own stupidity.?And you dont think its a triangle i am just confused. im lost i dont know thats why i wrote on this forum. I am very insecure, as when this guy paid attention to me it was like the most amazing feeling. I know hanging out with him is wrong and will not pursue him at all, im just stuck with these thoughts that i cannot seem to get rid of. i obsess..
Janey you have to remember
Submitted by simora on
that the people who are the most disturbed by your as yet (according to you) unenacted fantasies have for the most part themselves been hurt by ADHD partners who impulsively acted out what they thought were harmless fantasies. What too will happen to your professional designation if she sets you up to be together so she can observe if there is a reaction between the two of you. Be honest with the wife, say I'm sorry I cant come over to talk to you about your child because I am irrationally attracted to your husband. You are welcome to come to the school to meet with me but leave him at home. You know impulsivity is part of ADHD. Just remove yourself from the situation. I assure you, there are other men out there. Find a way to boost your self confidence and they will come out of the wood work.
I was showing my friends all
Submitted by Janey on
I was showing my friends all the comments and all my friends said the same thing, that everyone on here generalizes. I know affairs of the heart are bad. I am not advocating in any way shape or form that I think they are true love. I would not tell her I am irrationally attracted to your husband because I have a feeling she already knows. I know I have mentioned it being a triangle because that is the only way I can see it. I have become extremely close to both of them this year. This is why I think she already knows i like him. I should mention I absolutely do not meet to talk about children and their progress at their homes. I take care of school related work at school. If I make a visit to a students home it is unrelated to school business. While I think its a strange situation and everyone else seems to disagree, I guess to each' own. I like this man so much and think he is a wonderful human being. Do I want him to leave his wife and children for me absolutely NOT! Men may come out of the wood work, I am sure but men like him are few and far between. The one about him not inviting my advances, that confused because what kinds of advances. I always make sure to be far away from him when we are alone. When we are not alone and in the presence of others its a bit safer to be closer because nothing can happen. This is why I think his wife knows. The night we all hung out him and I stood pretty close and we chatted for a long while. It was a safe place. While I do not think I am an anomaly to any affair rule, I do know that every situation is different. i do have a rich fantasy life, yes but i often wonder if I am seeing this situation for what it is or am have my thoughts been a bit skewed from reality.
This post made me think long
Submitted by Janey on
This post made me think long and hard. First who said anything about taking over this woman's family? is that what most women in affairs want, because until you said that I had no intention of any of that. Second, I am the pursuer because he is married so its obviously me not him? and Third he has not invited my advances, that's why we have not hooked up? Those all confused me, I spoke to my therapist and he said this:
I was not the pursuer, Nothing happened because we were not on the same page, and taking over a family is just absurd considering I have no clue if I ever want to get married and have a family. People are all different especially people with ADHD. I am very intimidated by men so to think I would pursue anyone is crazy, let alone a married man.
This is me venting....and saying ahh just breath
Agree w Sherri and one more
Submitted by lululove on