Submitted by reneelassi on 05/27/2015.
My husband was diagnosed with ADHD about a month ago. He finally saw a therapist who determined this when I threatened to leave after being fed up with all of his anger and child like behavior. I have a 10 year old boy and 13 year old girl. Both kids dislike being around him, but my daughter really hates him. She has cut herself in the past and had low self esteem. I believe it stems from his anger toward her and lack of being a loving a father. It's taken a toll on all of us. Now that he finally diagnosed he will soon bee prescribed medication, but I feel torn. Should I leave to give my children a healthier household or stick it out to see if the medication improves things.
If you leave, then he'll have
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
If you leave, then he'll have them ALONE for the times the court orders the kids be with him.
I would insist that he get medicated and see how that goes. In the meantime, keep the kids "away" as much as possible. It's summer, is there family that they can visit? summer activities? also, are there activities that you can encourage your H to do that will keep him away/busy?
I completely understand. My kids greatly disliked their dad while growing up. I kept the kids away as much as possible...activities, visiting with my relatives, etc. My H also worked long hours and his job was a good distance away, so that also kept him away from the kids. Plus he liked to work out a lot.
deleted
Submitted by kellyj on
Word flooding
Submitted by ChrisChris on
J,
Please don't take this the wrong way, - really I am asking this question out of empathy and concern - but when's the last time you took a break and slept a good 8 hours in a stretch? The question on the table is "Should I leave to give my children a healthier household or stick it out to see if the medication improves things?"
One person advised "I would insist that he get medicated and see how that goes. In the meantime, keep the kids "away" as much as possible."
What is your advice on the subject?
Good Enough I Hear You
Submitted by kellyj on
And thank you for your concern... my normal bedtime is early (mostly) and up well before dawn on some days depending on::....I'm working outdoors right now and need the daylight and cool temps plus waiting on late help to arrive also sorry for the hyper focus freeforall. Enough said deleted:)
In direct response to what I see from my past.....all things considered, the worst thing that my father did as far as self esteem from anything he did overtly ( saying not nearly as bad as stories you could hear but still bad enough) these things are pale in comparison to trying to get love from someone where there is none. Not just deficient or lacking but truly has none to give to anyone including himself. The overall toll that did to my self esteem is not something you can quantify.
The cutting of the daughter is really a serious problem in my mind. If you were to weigh the outcome against the source I would have to agree with OW as well. There's a difference between abusive and traumatizing...negligent or indifferent vs aggression and invasive?
J
True Life...In Real Time
Submitted by kellyj on
My wife just opened up last night, after I got the courage to face my fears and go after the thing in her that I have been so afraid of. I had no idea what I was doing but I pissed her off so badly that started screaming "I hate you, I hate you..you fucking asshole!!!!" That was my intention only in bring this "thing" out of her so we could talk about it. Without knowing it, my wife randomly mentioned " Did I tell you my mother shot someone once.....maybe I did???" I said "No....I would have remembered that." And if you remember I mentioned somewhere here in the forum about wanting to "throw mama out the window?."
Here's the story or how cause and effect works and the end results when something is really really wrong.
My wife told me about her mother walked in on an ex-husband who was over at a friends apartment in their building, having sex with her in her friends bathroom. I'd say that was a pretty egregious from of betrayal on her ex husbands part. Her mom and her husband came back over to their apartment and started having it out while my wife (as a small girl) and little brother were in the room with them. Her mother went into the bedroom and brought out her husbands gun and started brandishing it around with everyone in the room (husband, my wife and her little brother).
As her mother tells the story and how it was told to me......the gun went off by accident and through the floor into the leg a women sleeping in the apartment below. The woman almost lost her leg from gangrene but thy managed to save the leg. My wife appeared a little confused on the rest of the details (yes). How her mother responded and the story that is still confusing to my wife is...."well, he ( her husband) should have put the safety on the gun?" I said to wife "Really? Who picks up a loaded gun and waves it around with her own children in the room because her husband cheats on her and then threatens to kill him by firing a round into the floor and hits an innocent woman sleeping in her bed and says... "it's who ever forgot to put the safety on the guns fault.?
This is the person who comes out in my wife at these times that I am afraid of even if she is nothing like her mother in no way imaginable. My wife is caring and kind and very generous with her love and is completely remorseful when she knows when she has done something wrong and always says she is sorry even if she can't explain why?
This is why...... and the person who lives inside my wife and comes out in those moments that scares me to death at times....the assailant and vindictive assassin who is more concerned about her own hurt feelings than she is about her children or anyone else at than trying to ascertain "WHY" her husband might have a reason to cheat on her?
And the reason she still lives there is because my wife cannot yet face the fact of reality that her mother....had no love inside her to give even though she still wants to believe this is true. It's a sad day when you finally realize a parent does not love you.
That's the day when you finally grow up. Did I do the right thing? This has nothing to do with right or wrong....it has to do with love for another person more than yourself when they need you.
And that's why I said when I am around her mother that I want to throw her out the window. It's Bad ju ju....and it's the same bad ju ju that my wife hoses me down with at times which in turn brings out my Dad in me...."the flame thrower" when I get too much bad ju ju on me in turn.
Putting my Dad and my wife' s mom in the same room together for too long would be like watching a "cock fight" and it would get UUUUUUUUGLY!!
This is why I agree with OW whole heartedly......keep him away from those kids!!! Cause and effect baby.....cause and effect.
J
You need to LEAVE this man
Submitted by adhdkanga on
You need to LEAVE this man who is AWFUL to your children.
I have SEVERE adhd, yet i am well known for being EXCELLENT in the manner of which I treat children.
ADHD medication is not going to change the lack of conscience a man has in regards to his severely inappropriate behavior around children.
Put your children FIRST.
hear you
Submitted by ChrisChris on
I hear you there. I think the lasting damage from a negligent or cluelessly-absent parent is just as bad as outright offensive abuse.
I agree
Submitted by kellyj on
Offensive abuse is more obvious and easy to understand and explain. The other is more insidious and a slow burn. I don't think in either case it's a matter of value....to the child who experiences it, there is only one value that matters.
I know how you feel. My kids
Submitted by MFrances on
I know how you feel. My kids don't like their dad, my husband, who has ADD and anger issues. I worry so much about my kids, young like yours. I don't know what to tell you, but I agree with Overwhelmed Wife. Consider the custody that he might get if you divorce him. Each state has their own laws on this. My state does not automatically give custody to the mom! Scary. And the court doesn't always take into account what the kids say they want. You always see in movies or whatever a 13 year old says I want to live with mom and the court says OK. Not always the case. I hear from parents that are divorced all kinds of crazy custody schedules-one week with mom, one with dad, and so on. 3 days a week with mom, 4 with dad and then switch every week. Every other weekend does not seem to be the norm. Then a friend of mine's ex husband's job changed-he is in Mexico for 6 weeks and home for 6 weeks. so when he is home he has the kids for 6 weekends in a row! They don't live close to each other and the kids are teenagers. Can you imagine that? And in my state, if the kids say I don't want to got to Dad's this weekend? Too bad, they have to. No matter if they are 5 yo saying that or 16 and saying that. They are minors and have to go because it is court ordered. I know I kind of went off on a rant but just really consider what it would be like if he got any kind of custody of the kids, especially for your daughter. And the fight you would have to fight to prove he shouldn't get custody. My heart goes out to you and your kids, especially your daughter.