Submitted by kellyj on 05/25/2015.
today I turn the tables on my bad habits and am going through all my unwanted stuff and getting rid of it. I'm a little pissed off right now after my wife left for a meeting because when she gets back...she isn't going to like the mess I made. What I'm really angry is having to clean up her mess this time but its good anger and I'm motivated with a renewed spirit and full of energy! I'm not afraid if she likes it or not!! It will be alright though because I love it that much.
Sorry...I guess this could have gone in the slug box but I thought putting in under anger was more appropriate....thinking I could use some cleaning help. That's all.
J
My Wife Came Home...
Submitted by kellyj on
and she denied her mess. I tested her and she tested me and I passed and she didn't. It's a shallow victory only in that I was able to finally hear her say the truth after going to battle with her demons. I only spoke the truth and made my stand and gave her no place she could run or hide from the truth. After repeated attempts to deflect, deny, project and defer....her reply was "I hate your F$@ing guts." It's what I expected but it was still hard to hear. I know it's her false self talking and beneath it is a lovely person but "with three you get egg roll" and unfortunately, I have to live with "egg roll" too. This is how she really feels but also understand deep down it's how she feels about herself....it's not real or genuine and I know that too:( But I also understand it's what she believes and it's only projection of her fears and why I was originally afraid (the assailment that I felt around my neck) It's what I expected but it still makes me sad. I still have Love in my heart though and that is really all that matters in the end. I'm not afraid but my heart aches for her and myself right now even though there really is no loss on my end. I need some time to recover and think.
and thank you for being my teachers....I couldn't have done this without you.
peace
J
More Confirmation
Submitted by kellyj on
my wife won't speak to me or even be in the same room with. All I said to her after telling only truth in a calm voice was that we were going to our T and she needed to be accountable. That's all I know?
None of us can read your wife
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
None of us can read your wife's mind, nor can you. I think it would be good to allow her her feelings. I'm sure that she will share with you if she decides there's a good reason to.
Yes Rosered I Agree
Submitted by kellyj on
All I have ever asked of her was to respect my boundaries:
*speak to me in a respectfully manner as she would anyone else family, friends or co-workers and I will be honest with her and not make excuses and treat her with mutual respect. ( please and thank you optional )
*ask not demand and I will do my best to accommodate her when ever possible, if I can't...I will tell her exactly why, but make her my first priority in every case...no excuses.
*I have not told her how to think, how to feel or taken away her freedom of choice as an individual when ever possible
* if she has any issue with me no matter what it is. I will listen to her and allow her to speak openly without retaliation or fear of retribution
** but most important to me and how I treat everyone....is living by the golden rule But also, applying the Asian model..... don't do anything to anyone else you wouldn't want them to do to you. I know this is a negative but in this case.....it is more concrete and explicit. Less room for interpretation or error. A little simpler to make clear and be accountable to others in every specific case when asked
But as happened this morning as happened countless times in the past which resulted in my getting out of control angry with her in the past and why I came here in the first place when she said if I didn't stop losing my temper it was a deal breaker....and ultimatum. Taking all things into consideration now and putting my best foot forward....a sincere and honest attempt to do my best in every way.......
As I was sitting quietly reading this morning with no provocation...walked into into the room and started venting, ranting and complaining....going off. Not a communication of any kind, a one way rant for no reason, no information given, The same thing she's said 1000 times or more out of context or connection to anything that is happening in the moment and has been discussed and resolved (and agreed to and come to some mutual understanding ) by her at some past point.
Cutting to the chase here for you and if you trust what I am saying for face value and me not embellishing in any way.....What she wants, is what she wants exactly in the way she wants it and our agreements have no binding to her at any time. Pure undeniable and unreasonable self righteousness, demanding as if a child, to fit any time or any mood she is in with unbridled authority with not boundaries.
This always comes...100% of the time...in association with being told No or not doing of fulfilling any...wish request, want or need. Stated as a demand or a need based on a rationalization that has no room for rebuttal in every case as an irrefutable need...always. And there is always a time delay to take the NO or unfulfilled need out of context to the event which happens the following day or so (within 48 hours, I've kept track to be sure)
And in every case as it was this morning no matter what was agreed upon or how reasonable I try to be with her ahead of time in my effort to head these things off to avoid confrontation (effort on my part and communication) after the delay between the unfulfilled request or refusal...comes the rant and download of self righteous indignation and anger at the most inopportune time when am least likely to be able to defend against it. (my most vulnerable ) to the point in the past when she would wake me up and start in on me out of a sound sleep, I was sick and laid up with a fever or at a time when I have asked her not to discuss or have debates about anything....specifically at the very times I have asked her not to....like first thing in the morning like this morning.
Picture being tied to a chair and having your child taunt you and spit on you and call you names. Except....she does this in an angry yet controlled manner until I try and say something. At that point she begins to ramp up over top of me not allowing any dissent or rebuttal and gets even angrier until I blow. In the past that is.
One by one...I addressed each stage of the pattern and reduced it down where she had no way to reason her way out of it. Up until i did this...I got the angry persecuted abusive mother scolding the child (her mother). After I successfully headed off any reasonable avenue or way in to get to me.....now you get the taunting, out of control abused child acting out with no bounds which uses any and all past trespasses on my part as her right her behavior..again, with no room for debate or rebuttal with the same result if I tried to reason with this child in the past.
In every case she is baiting and inviting me to attack her even though in the worst case...it was me loosing my temper in the past. I have never laid a hand on an adult human being even once under any circumstance ( aside from my security job at concerts bouncing drunk patrons)
She has systematically triggered my latent PTSD in the form of anxiety, lost sleep and anger. I in turn systematically met this by countering her and arresting these panic attackers to the point of simply walking away with no effect to me which stepped up her efforts in frequency and intensity and becoming without question...an abuser. The same as her mother. She's split between her abusive mother and the vulnerable child being abused when these persoanlities emerge in the most extreme cases. Normally, you just get the constantly bitchy, nagging until her stress level come up. The pattern however remains constant.
This is the abusive cycle pattern behavior of a classic cluster B DMSVI disordered individual. And though she will admit portion of these traits out of context....the delay and event out of context insulates her from taking any resonsiblity for this what so ever even though...I figured all of this out on my own over time by watching and taking note of the pattern itself until I had this down. It is consistant and without change even thought she will say how much she has done to modify the individual traits and makes sure to tell me how hard she is trying. She has done nothing about the pattern itself. it's a sickness that is attached to obsessive thinking , grandiose ideation, persecution and victim mentality..And defended by any and every defense mechanism in the book.
When she started in this morning I was ready. I first asked her nicely to please respect my wishes and not do this at this time. As each stage unveiled itself....I reasponded to it by calling each thing she said by name,term or definition and told her who I was speaking to with each response. Child, abusive mother, sarcasm, taunt, projection, dismissal.. etc. I did this without raising my voice from across the room 30 ft. Not only did I do this, but I had a prepared note book with diagrams and arrows showing the exact process to her so she could see it writen in front of her as she did each response to the letter in the correct order documented ahead of time with pages in my hand printed in red felt pen saying..."This is real Love...This is what you do to help someone who is sick and needs your help"..on many sheet reiterated differently.
As the process spiraled with intensity...I controlled my anger to a minimum and remaining mostly calm and answered her each time as I told you. When she ran out of road. I started pulling out the the is real love...I love you...and laid them on the table and repeated it each time. finally the two personalities emerged and I addressed each one as child and abusive mother and then inter mixed the I love you this is real love...in between each response. When she had no where to go...it then shifted back to herself and that's when she started yelling..".I hate you you fucking asshole, i hate you, I hate you, I hate your fucking guts." That when I stopped and said...."I know that's what you believe but it's not me you hate it's yourself." I then told her why I did this again... and said "you need help and because I love you that much, I want you to be free from your suffering. It saddens me to finally hear that you hate me because I have never heard those words before but I already knew from how you treat me that this is the case. I said " you're an abuser and this must stop. I'm sorry but I have tried everything that is in my power to get you to treat me with the human respect I give you but this was I could protect myself and call out all three of you and had this planned in advance so I could do just that and go through this with you. I have only had one demand of you and that is you respect my boundaries and treat me with the respect I deserve as a human being. This is not unreasonable and I believe no human being would accept this kind of abuse. anywhere at anytime. It's completely unacceptable human behavior. I love you will do anything to help you but you must respect my boundaries as a human being."
I got a couple more "I hate you's" after that and I turned and calmly walked out of the room and she has only said a couple of sentences when she said" I don't want to talk to you" and I replied..."I love you and respect your boundaries and will comply with your request. And I haven't talked to her since and followed through until this moment"
I already answered the question to why people like this seek out a person like me so there is no need to ask at this point. It I didn't understand before....I figured this out from coming to this forum with the rest of all of this and my own research. funny how it started out with me coming to this forum and taking full responsibility for my own actions and any and all of my issues for myself and her at the same time. Ironic isn't it?
This was a freaking attempted Exorsism!! You couldn't get me to believe that before today if you put a gun to my head but that's what I went through with my wife and I pulled this off pretty well even though I had not idea what was going to happen. I had no instruction book ( which I never use any way!! lol) And I did this because I do Love her. Am I crazy, smart of just stupid. Who knows? In my heart, it was and act of kindness and really had no choice in order for her to see it too and telling her how much I love her during this entire ordeal. In respect that I did this for her and myself at the same time with no hatred what so ever. Anger yes, but I told her that I was only angry at her child a abusive mother and I didn't want to live with them any more. It was not my first time at the rodeo and I knew that this would not stop without some kind of intervention but I had to do this for myself at the same time.
I have no idea what will happen but in a very real way...I really did feel the love stay strong in my heart and I', not upset or angry at all right now. That tells me that I'm Okay and it was not a bad thing to do. Best thing? I don't know. We'll see ...but l put up with this ugliness for as long as I could but waited for my opportunity to show itself.
So freaking weird that I wrote about this before it happened. Am I a believer? Yes ma'am. You might not agree with what I did but I have been in therapy long enough to know how that process worked but as my final decision being that this was causing me direct bodily harm and I'm not a victim and really never have been even at the few times that I have...everyone has there limits and this was mine. I retained myself in it;s entirety and that was my only personal goal.
I'm very competitive when in serious competition and have never backed down from a challenge...have I mentioned that? LOL
news flash...my wife just now walked in the room and asked if I love her? I said yes. that's a good sign:)
PS...I mentioned the pattern behavior and sited my source (and years or learning from therapy) I'm not saying wife has a disorder....only saying she has a problem that I recognized from being abused as a child by my father which triggers my PTSD. As far as I'm concerned. that's enough to warrant me doing something about it if she can't respect just that much. I'm doing everything in my power to deal with and take responsibility for my issues....she won't even go near even talking about hers ( absolute denial) and it's causing me physical and psychological distress and won't respect my boundaries. it feels the same as when I was a child and that's all I know.
J
Bye The Way Rosered...
Submitted by kellyj on
In my haste (and emotions) to fill you in....I forgot to say this is good advise for everyone. And in this case, it was what I needed to understand my wife too even if she can't say it. People need to be allowed to be who they are and it's not up to anyone else to change that in a person. Part of acceptance is knowing the person you are with and finding this out more along the way as you get to know them better. Without acceptance first, it kind can make you somewhat blind. It's a journey:) Anyway, thank's for the advise, it was what I needed.
J