Being real with ourselves (about our state) is the only way to move forward (be content w/ our lives and our selves) in life....I would say most of us who post here, have been stunted when it comes to experiencing what we were created to experience....Not because of things like intelligence, work ethic, convictions about right living (hopefully ;)....This stunting has come to pass by our dislike of circumstances out of our control...If I spend and inordinate amount of time having negative emotions, and over thinking the way someone else lives life (even when I am married to the person) what does that do to me, and my quality of life?? At some point we all need to measure our selves...Our lives! Yes! We should have one!...1)________________________________________________________________________________________________10)....With one being ***totally impaired*** by my refusal to accept what isn't in my power, (or any humans power) to change. 10) Being completely free from worry, fretting, anger, bitterness about the circumstances related to another adult person.
OK...Take the test....Where are you? What have you chosen for your life? Or maybe I should say, what are YOU choosing? Because most of us can change, when we accept others as they are....Turn our attention on the things we can influence with our work, love and time.....
As for me I was probably a 1 or 2 at best for the first 4 years...One year apart a lot of prayer and boundaries moved me to a 4 or 5.....And I think I'm a 6 or 7 now....And very happy to say it....LOL....
blessings
c
I was a 15.
Submitted by Sollertiae on
I was a 15, where I refused to care for anyone. Now I sit at a 9, because sometimes I care and worry on their behalf. Which I prefer over never caring. Not angry, not bitter. Often sad.
Sollertiae you made me smile....;)
Submitted by c ur self on
Yep...I wasn't talking about caring....I loved and cared as a 1, and I love care as 6 or 7....I was just talking about what our personal state is from day to day....Can we maintain good emotional, psychological, and physical health regardless of the circumstances that we see, and experience being lived out by our spouses...
c
I missed my calling as comic.
Submitted by Sollertiae on
Much easier to maintain good mental and physical health when you are beholden to no one day to day especially for women, as recent research shows. But I chose to be involved in chaos, and mostly I am fine (boundariesboundaries). But sometimes I am made very sad at the struggle and constant cascade of chaos that results from living it out, or needing to poke for attention. So am at an 8 or 9 and avoiding descent. ;)
Sorry, didn't mean to mess up your replies!
Avoiding descent.....Wise!
Submitted by c ur self on
Love that...Our relationship has been like a bike race in the mountains (I'm a road biker, and have been watching the Tour de France for the last three weeks)...You spend every ounce of energy you can muster trying to climb up...But the descents happen so easy, like a lightning strike....
But if like, say, Alaphillipe
Submitted by Sollertiae on
But if like, say, Alaphillipe you are capable and in control on the descent and more than profficient in the ascent then you are able to navigate to a far better position than anticipated. ;)
Says the couch race watcher.
Absolutely...You are so right....
Submitted by c ur self on
You see wisely couch watcher....Love the analogy...I pulled so hard for the little French Man to keep his yellow jersey..He has a big heart and big love for his sport....
Staying under control in every circumstance is such a good lesson for me....Because the behaviors I deal w/ are more volatile than the weather in the alps..... ;)
c
I'm at..
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
An eight or nine most of the time.
Nice Adele....
Submitted by c ur self on
Our make ups are vital, (what we think a marital relationship should consist of, because lets face it, we usually push for that, isn't that what most of these posts are about?) also our ability to peacefully accept what we would not choose, nor can change, and still find contentment, is also vital....
I may be the very worse type individual when it comes to being a match for my wife....And she may be the very worse type for me....Not altogether, but in so many of the important things.....
It's just so many things....The big one's are 1) I'm an adult who tends toward responsibility....She's and adult who tends toward frivolity and self entertainment...2) I'm a romantic who loves closeness, openness, affection, and intimacy...2) She has had no desire physically for years, and mostly is a victim (complains) when I request it...(kind of not worth it) She likes to hide things (shame) and only shows her real self when we are alone. (wears the mask for others)...I don't think I will ever be above a 6 or 7, because it's impossible to totally accept the denial, (justification of her wrongs, and no ownership of her behaviors) and the defiant attitude...It stops communication dead in it's tracks...Who can live like that, and stay fully at peace??
I'm am truly surprised we are still together, I think our adult children and every close friend we have is astonished also....
I think the reason..
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
For me being at an eight or nine comes from past experiences.
I learned the hard way from my abusive marriage that I can't control someone else's behavior only my own. I couldn't make my husband respect me, I couldn't stop the abuse. I had to grieve the man I thought I had married. A man who seem to change with a flip of a switch.
All the changes in my own behavior did not make my husband change. All the praying in the world and all of my changing had no effect on him, it didn't make my marriage better so I had to leave.
I applied that same thinking to my relationship with my fiance. He was married to an abusive and controlling woman, and I am not like that.
Setting boundaries in my current relationship has brought me peace of mind, and a calmness that I haven't had in years.
How I have changed
Submitted by jennalemone on
c, I have changed thinking much like you have with a similar timeline. I used to be very emotional and had regular pity parties for myself. They sprouted from my own frustrations when my marriage was not what I thought it would be nor was it what I wanted it to be. Looking back I should have left decades ago. But I didn't.
I have come a long way in my own emotional maturity. Acceptance was the key that opened the door to self care and not taking H's words and actions/inaction to heart. I don't blame myself when he is rude or angry.
I'm not OK with how things are, but I accept that I am making a choice to stay for now. I have changed the way I look at H, How I look at life, How I view my self, my time, my situation. It's not paradise, but it is not the hell that I made my life out to be once upon a time.