Submitted by caffinelover on 07/13/2017.
I actually wrote a whole story here but I feel it's actually better to ask a question.
When you're in a relationship with someone with ADD and they don't meet your expectations, what do you do or think?
Also what do you do, when they do something you dislike that's caused by their condition but you know you always have to be accepting?
Between anger and nagging, there's parent/child dynamics
Submitted by BigSurprise on
It's difficult because we're always reminded to be patient and forgiving. To separate the ADHD from the actual person. But in real life, ADHD is part of the person. So, I often wonder, how are you supposed to be patient without going into parent/child dynamics, which is poison to any relationship?
And, unfortunately, despite all the teachings, the commonest and most natural reaction is anger. But if you allow the frustration to build up too much, those things start bothering you even more, so it's a vicious cycle.
The true problem, I think, is that there is no easy or universal response. If you ignore it, you're actually an enabler, as your partner starts to believe those things don't bother you. If you react, it may be perceived as an attack (remember most ADHD-ers are very sensitive to criticizm) and is likely to provoke a defensive/aggressive response.
And even if you try being very gentle or bottle up your emotions, your partner will probably start sensing them at some point. This may lead them to believe you're constantly disappointed with them, and for no good reason, because they're doing all they can to meet your expectations. So they become frustrated as well.
I sometimes feel living with an ADHD partner is like a puzzle with all elements constantly shifting their places.
I don't think there's a solution like a remedy. Some people just cope with it better. It is a common opinion that some coaching for both spouses can't hurt, and potentially could make life easier. But then again, can't it? Because bad therapy can actually reinforce denial in the ADHD partner, which makes thing a lot worse. But if you find a really good therapist, I think they should be able to shed some light on your doubts.
What worked for me may not work for you.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
"What do you do when they do something you dislike that's caused by their condition but you know you always have to be accepting"?
One situation involving my boyfriend and I was particularly frustrating for me. After calmly discussing my issue with his "over sharing", the next time it happened, I said nothing and walked out of the room. After going around and around with him during the first 6 months of our relationship, he finally got it. Every now and then he will slip up and blurt out a comment, but its rare. The matter was put to rest after he started to tell me about something that happened at work that day, then stopped. He said he didn't want to sensor his comments, and to not be able to tell me about his day. I said that was fine. You can tell me about your day without going into so much detail that I become uncomfortable.
Walking away worked for me. Making my boundaries clear and sticking to them has helped.
As far as him not meeting my expectations? That hasn't happened yet, and we've been together almost two years. We are taking things slow, waiting to decide whether to move in together. I'm 52, he is 50, and I have a 15 year old daughter.