Submitted by Boot545@yahoo.com on 04/28/2017.
Ok, I finally decided that it may be best for my health and well being to post to a blog in hopes to get some insight from other married couples. I recently married my husband after being together a short year and now we have a baby on the way.
There is no doubt in my mind that I love him. He means well, he try's and I believe he loves me.
Where I struggle is with his inability to communicate like an adult. His immediate response is to defend, shame, blame or deflect. I swear some of the times he doesn't even make sense. Why do I have to threaten to leave or ask him to leave for him to act right? Is there another trick?
Is it just me? :/
There is a reason for it...Wisdom will help you find it.....
Submitted by c ur self on
Defend, Shame, blame, deflect?? I would suggest to you that any person who does these things is feeling immense pressure? The question is where is the pressure coming from?...Usually it's one of two sources...The subject matter or the style in which it is being presented or both...When a person doesn't want to (offended by) discuss certain subjects they will defend, deflect, change the subject, lie, get angry anything to not discuss it....Also if a person feels cornered and disrespected by the way they are being approached by the person attempting to "communicate" then the same stuff can happen...
I suggest you start by eliminating things, by asking yourself self awareness questions to get to the bottom of why things are like they are.....
such as: What is my attitude going into these attempts? Kind and respectful? or stern and anxious?
What is the majority of my subject matter? Things I am pointing out to another adult that they need to make important? Control?... Or is it kind inquiry into what his feelings are about certain subjects?
Questions like these can help you narrow down where the difficulty in communication may be coming from...
Communication in relationships can be very tricky...We must be able to listen to one another no matter if we don't like the subject matter or not...Also we must me aware of our own response's...No adult will put up with being disrespected and spoken to like a child...Maybe for a while out of love and grace, but eventually the will shut you out....
Also bad habits can be hard to break...Once we start disrespecting one another it becomes somewhat of an expectation....So defensiveness can be present before a work is spoken.....
Wishing you well solving this issue...
C
Communicating effectively
Submitted by Boot545@yahoo.com on
I am 100% about self awareness we just had an email exchange yesterday and I asked him to let me know where in my message was my delivery harsh, negative, accusatory or warranted his response. His response to me was "I was just expressing my feelings". He doesn't know how to help me realize what I could have done differently. I'm always telling him what he could do differently and he see's that as me picking on him or telling him that he is imperfect... I tell him that neither of us are perfect but we do need to figure out how to talk to one another. We've been trying to get in with a counselor for some time now. I guess there are a lot that are booked up. :/
I think a counselor could be very helpful Boot....
Submitted by c ur self on
(I'm always telling him what he could do differently and he see's that as me picking on him or telling him that he is imperfect...)
I'm not siding with anyone here...But, if you put yourself in his shoes....This statement of reality you made above would get old if you were the recipient...Here's way...Even though you see the things that you are pointing out as things that shouldn't be a problem. They may well be for his mind...So when you do as you stated continue to bring them up (items you want changed, not about you, but about him) he may feel a (the one sided ness of your comments, as you would if they came from him) little beat down and defeated because he is a different person than you...He doesn't think like you, or feel like you...Nor does he want too...
Difference's in our thinking and abilities can be profoundly different...No matter how easy it might be for you to follow a certain line of thinking and behaving (to produce the result that you are looking for) that same line of thinking and behaving may be completely foreign to him, and the mind he lives in.....You can never just point something out then just assume he has any desire or ability to hear you, understand, and put in to practice (change) that, you think you are clearly communicating...A third party (counselor) could possibly help both of you understand these communication limitations...
C