Hi everyone,
Im wondering if anyone has the same experiences with their ADHD partner as I do.
I met my husband in 2016. We met on a dating site and our first meeting was at a cafe in the town where I lived.
We are both in our late 50'ties and I lived 2 hours drive from him. He dropped everything to meet me and drove the 2 hours. I was amazed.
The first time we met he had forgotten his wallet, so I told myself, that if he forgot it a second time then that was a bad sign.
The second time we met was at the beach and he bought me a present of gourmet coffee beans.
At the time I ADHD never crossed my mind. The second date at the beach he told me of all the problems he had had with his daughter getting her diagnosed with ADHD when she was a teenager. Weird that I never thought ADHD with regards to my husband at that time. I was overwhelmed by his attention, his willingness to put me first, to help me with stuff. He told me I was fantastic, beautiful and so on.
We got married after a year and moved in together in the area he lived in. I gave up my job, got another close to our home.
Little by little I realized I was walking on eggshells most of the time. I thought that it was maybe me having problems with adjusting to life with another man. I was married to my first husband for over 20 years and we rarely fought over anything.
I began to have suspicions that my husband also has ADHD. When I asked his daughter, who I have a good relationship with she told med that he and his ex-wife fought and his ex ended up having a depression after 30 years of marriage. My husband of course blames his ex-wife. He also blames me for our problems. I am, according to him, always picking on him and being negative. Often I cant do anything that pleases him. When he does something, for example, cleans the floors, he gets angry if I don't notice it straight away and praise him for it. I may have come home after 10 hours at work, but that doesn't make any difference.
Another challenge is that he complains all the time that he hasn't any money. He earns the same as I do, but he has always enough to buy stuff on the spur of the moment. He drinks a bottle of wine nearly every night and according to him that's normal.
There are so many things that scream ADHD but he refuses to go to the doctor with me and he refuses to go to counseling. In fact yesterday he told me the problem is my relationship with my ex-husband. My ex-husband and I can contact each other and talk regarding our daughter. My husband and his ex-wife don't talk. She refuses to be in the same room as him.
Last year on the Christmas vacation I was feeling very ill. My husband had no understanding at all. I was negative and complaining according to him. As it turned out I had a good dose of the flu plus an infection which I had to have 2 different types of antibiotic for. Still I was the one feeling guilty. He never said sorry for his behavior towards me. He never says sorry if he shouts at me in front of other people which he had done a few times.
He leaves things lying around the house, when there is something to be done it can take up to a year.
I don't know. Im not perfect and I always seem to blame myself for situations I end up in.
I am so grateful for at we don't have children together. All of our children are grown up.
My only wish is that he would acknowledge that he has ADHD and work on it with me. When he is in a good mood hes a fantastic man. We like most of the same things, he can be sweet and loving, but one "wrong" word or lack of a word is enough to set him off. He can go for days not really acknowledging that I exist and when I ask him whats wrong, Im told that nothing is wrong, that its me thats in a bad mood.
Im at the stage where I don't know whats right and whats wrong in my life. I don't seem to be able to fix it anyway. He says that the problem is that we disagree and Im the one who insists on being right.
As a teacher of 27 years I consider myself good at handling conflicts and good at working together with other people. Why doesn't it work in my private life?
Sorry that this message is so long. At the moment Im at my wits end regarding what to do.
Any advice?
Hi There....
Submitted by c ur self on
Short version...The reason all the blame directed at you ( probably his former wife also) is denial.. He like my wife refuses to accept the reality of how their minds work...( And what behaviors that produces toward the life of their spouse) So their go to behavior will always be blame, fight or flight..( It has to be where there is no ownership) I bet he's fun to engage with ( like a happy child) when things are light and stress free?
I encourage you to read on this site... There are many men and women in your shoes...Just remember he isn't able to accept these things from you: Advice, the pointing out of his dysfunctional behaviors, it will only produce anger, denial and blame...He also may never show empathy, or remorse...So there will be very few apologies....To apologize, takes ownership...Learn to accept the limitations of communications where denial and blame are present...I think at some point you will come to understand that his dropping everything to run meet w/ you...Was something else?
bless u dear teacher!
c
Bless
Thankyou
Submitted by VSH (not verified) on
Thankyou so much for your answer. But am I missing something? Why do you think he dropped everything to meet me? After I've gotten to know him I believe its impulsivity. He acts before thinking and never thinks of the consequence.
VSH.
Why?
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
"Why do you think he dropped everything to meet me?"
The same reason I was swept off my feet by my fiance who also has ADHD. He was in "Hyperfocus Mode", which is common when you are in the beginning of a relationship with someone who has ADHD. I was blown away by his attention, I had never had a man focus so intently on me...not even my ex husband. Often, once the newness of the relationship wears off, the hyperfocus abruptly stops.
As C ur self stated in his reply, an ADHD partner will often be in denial of how their ADHD related behavior affects others, or they may be in denial that they even have ADD/HD. It is entirely possible that you did not know him long enough before marriage to have the hyperfocus wear off. Then again, I've been married and was with my ex husband for 20 years. I did not see what he was really like until after our first child was born, which was 6 years in to the relationship. (At that time, we had been married for 3 years.) My ex husband did not have ADHD.
I met my now fiance in September of 2015 on a dating site. I had never dated someone with ADHD before, and did not know what it meant for our relationship. He was diagnosed as a child, and told me early on, within the first month of our meeting in person. His daughter has ADHD as well. We are both in our 50's now. I was 50 when we met, and he was 48.
We don’t have to judge others... But.....
Submitted by c ur self on
We should always ask ourselves...(Especially later in life) Why is this person available?...I didn't do that to the extent I should have ( The rose colored glasses of emotion, (and knowledge of self) I had on, knowing that I was a 50 year old widower of a 30 year marriage, and wanted to fall in love again and have 30 more years (what ever time God allows us) of being one with a loving adult)....Sadly, that WHY usually always runs deeper ( much deeper for many) than their story about their life...
I hope you are able to put boundaries in place so as to guard your heart from all the *bad stuff*... Don't make his life your own...
I think you could really profit from the book... (Safe People)....
deleted duplicate
Submitted by c ur self on
duplicate...
Hyper focus mode
Submitted by VSH (not verified) on
Thankyou all for your replies. Family often make fun of my husband that he overly indulges in a new hobby or project and quickly gets tired if it again. One thing I learned was that he started running marathons and did it for about 2 years only to give it up snd start spear fishing. Now hes given that up. But its only after spending lots of time and money.
As for boundries. That I'm working on. But to be honest his anger scares me. But I see where you are coming from with regards to living my own life.
You will come to recognize
Submitted by c ur self on
You will come to recognize that the stories ( on this site) about the actions of our add/adhd spouses are very similar... My wife does the same as ur husband...These little frivolity seeking adventures of self entrainment are all consuming when she picks one of them..Last year it was hunting cashes... This year she is addicted to playing hearts on her iphone...When people have no convictions to responsible living and self discipline they have plenty of time for self entertainment...
Thankyou
Submitted by VSH (not verified) on
It really helps just reading of all your experiences, all of you, who were so kind to reply to me. At least now I know I'm not imagining these episodes. I thought I was going crazy but now I feel more same. Thankyou, all you beautiful people for sharing.
What then can we do to foster
Submitted by cennera on
What then can we do to foster or develop those convictions with them or rather help them in finding those convictions?
Anger
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
But to be honest his anger scares me.
Anger to the point of rage, and angry outbursts is something that is a deal breaker for me. I left an abusive marriage, and won't subject myself to that ever again. I've been with my fiance for going on 5 years now, and over the last three years, I've spent every other week at his house. (Living together 6 months out of the year.) Other than him throwing a fit over his computer not working right or minor annoyances, I have seen no red flags when it comes to anger or controlling behaviors.
I had a mini stroke ( TIA ) in May of 2018. My fiance was by my side through the entire thing. Took care of me and was very supportive. I had a surgery last year, and he was there for me then, also. ADHD doesn't make someone selfish.
Deal breaker
Submitted by VSH (not verified) on
I admire you for taking care og yourself, still maintaining your own home after 5 years. If my marraige ends with divorce, I will chose to live on my own from that time on. Im weary of living with someone who cant compromise, who gets angry over molehills and who I feel I have to bring up like a child. Telling a partner that its not okay to call me lazy or stupid is overstepping the line for me. I work fulltime from monday to friday. My husband works 7 times 24 hour shifts a month. The rest of the time hes off work. We share household chores but i prefer to clean at weekends. I dont feel like cleaning after 8 or 9 hours of work. If hes in a bad moid when i come home then im lazy. Doesnt seem to make any difference how little or how much I do. One time he was on a 24 hour shift. Because there are rules about how many hours you can drive, 12 hours to, he came home in the evening. I had parked my car on his side of the carport because there is more space. He was livid when he got home. Shouted at me, wouldn't move his car which was blocking mine and didn't talk to me for several days.
I need to adjust to the thought, that I will have to live my own life in order to survive or divorce and live my own life. Either way, I'm on my own.
Deal breaker
Submitted by VSH (not verified) on
I admire you for taking care og yourself, still maintaining your own home after 5 years. If my marraige ends with divorce, I will chose to live on my own from that time on. Im weary of living with someone who cant compromise, who gets angry over molehills and who I feel I have to bring up like a child. Telling a partner that its not okay to call me lazy or stupid is overstepping the line for me. I work fulltime from monday to friday. My husband works 7 times 24 hour shifts a month. The rest of the time hes off work. We share household chores but i prefer to clean at weekends. I dont feel like cleaning after 8 or 9 hours of work. If hes in a bad mood when i come home then im lazy. Doesnt seem to make any difference how little or how much I do. One time he was on a 24 hour shift. Because there are rules about how many hours you can drive, 12 hours to, he came home in the evening. I had parked my car on his side of the carport because there is more space. He was livid when he got home. Shouted at me, wouldn't move his car which was blocking mine and didn't talk to me for several days.
I need to adjust to the thought, that I will have to live my own life in order to survive or divorce and live my own life. Either way, I'm on my own.
I thought that ADHD meant that you always put your own needs first?
Be careful about judging adhd by his actions...
Submitted by c ur self on
Not every distracted mind type is angry and abusive... Your husband (based on ur posts) is very ridged, controlling...When a person is always finding fault with others, but is blind to his self...That screams Narcissist!... There are many adhd minded people who take ownership of their actions, who have a conscience, can show empathy and genuine concern for others...It's a heart thing....
c
I second that, C.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
My ex husband is a narcissist, did not have ADHD.
My fiance is loving and supportive and was diagnosed with ADHD as a child.
C Ur self and Adele
Submitted by VSH (not verified) on
It doesn't take a genius to work out that adhd plus narcissist is not a good combination. To me it just seems surreal. When he wont go to counseling it will be difficult. The question is, would that help at all if the problem isn't just ADHD.
It’s up to him....
Submitted by c ur self on
He is no different than any of us... We have to see our struggles, and we have to humble our selves and seek help...Until a person swallows their pride and stops excusing behaviors that make them unfit to be in another persons company.....
Question
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
The question is, would that help at all if the problem isn't just ADHD?
It doesn't matter if the problem is ADHD alone, or combined with a comorbid disorder, or narcissism on its own.
Until your husband is aware and owns His behavior there is nothing you can do. He will only change if he is willing to change.
Happy ending.
Submitted by VSH (not verified) on
I left the 1.december 2021 and have been building my safe nest alone since.
Im now free of the temper tantrums, his obnoxious language and his constant blaming me for everything. He has had a habit of threatening me with divorce to make me unsure of myself. So the last time I said okay, that's it. I applied for a divorce and moved. The weird thing was that after a few days he kept contacting me as if nothing had changed. He invited me out, wanted to do things together. He was over whatever was his problem, made my problem, so in his mind I should be too. But no way, I'm not getting dragged in again. Now I wake up in the morning happy for the small things in life. There's no walking on eggshells, no trying to change myself to please him. He's the one with denial which even therapy couldn't get him to admit. It just made things worse. One day I'll forgive him, not because he will apologise or admit whats he's done or how he is but because my soul deserves peace.
Hi VSH
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Hi there,
I know I'm later in replying, but I just wanted to say that you're not crazy. You are probably working really hard, being really patient and trying a bunch of common sense things on your end. Unfortunately with ADHD, "normal relationship" tactics don't seem to work very well.
Everything you've described is unfortunately "normal" for a relationship impacted by ADHD and you are where a lot of us are... for anything to measurably change, the person with ADHD must actually acknowledge what's going on and be willing to participate in improving things. I think it is much easier for our spouses to sit back and remain unchanged. My husband doesn't want to work on himself. He's very happy in a roomateship in his own messy world of doing as little as possible. He doesn't care that I am affected by his moods. He doesn't care that I am run ragged working, maintaining the house and parenting while he sits in his chair on the internet. He is happy as he is and sees no reason to change behaviors that work just fine for him. He too is quick to blame ME for our problems. It's not that he does too little... it's that I do or expect too much. It's not his volatility... it's my over-sensitivity. It's pretty crazy making.
My point is really just to validate what you're feeling. You're seeing it accurately. And as others have mentioned, that hyperfocus phase of the relationship is very common. My husband was pretty wonderful in the first few years.
I'm sorry you have found yourself here and I hope you'll find some clarity on things.
1 Melody 1
Submitted by VSH (not verified) on
Its never too late to answer, and thankyou for that. Im starting to realise that the disfuntionality of the situation is "normal" for ADHD. My husband thinks hes a cool guy being messy and saying inappropriate things. He thinks he has a right to be angry and moody.
Do you know if there is a closed Facebook group for partners of ADHD?
Facebook group
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I don't know of one but if you find one or if anyone else know of a good one, I would be very interested, too!
Group on FB
Submitted by VSH (not verified) on
I found a group called Non-ADHD/ADD partners. I dont know what the country of origan is but it's an English speaking group.
Thanks!
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I will definitely check it out.
Facebook sites...
Submitted by c ur self on
I joined this non site...There isn't a lot of activity on it, but, since I was planning on re-opening my FB account, (to enjoy my grand children's photo's and activities, and interact w/ friends) I though it couldn't hurt, I enjoy reading and sharing....
I also found a support group site for ADHDers, that is very active...Lot's of members....
c
Dear VSH
Submitted by PepperPots on
Thanks for joining the group; it's an eye opener. My experience is that ADD/HD individuals do not get better with time. Mostly they stay in denial. My courtship was much the same as yours. My husband hyper focused on me, but LITERALLY the moment the "I Do's" were over, so pretty much was our marriage. It just took me a while to figure that out. Move on with your life unless you want YEARS of what you already have, but insert some pretty debilitating bitterness, confusion, more confusion and severe anger. You are right that you are in a good position because you don't have kids. I'm flat out telling you to walk away. It's worth any amount of money!
What would you say to someone
Submitted by cennera on
What would you say to someone that is not yet married to their ADHD partner that seems to have these same issues?
I would say that with
Submitted by PepperPots on
I would say that with marriage (and any relationship), "What's good gets better and what's bad gets worse". So, if they don't mind the situation then stay, but if not then move on.
This is a debilitating and expensive way to live. It emotionally cripples the non ADD spouse/partner and the amounts of money you will go through for broken things, new hobbies, medical bills because of all the care they need, etc. is vast.
Take care.