Hi, reaching out for a sanity check. I'm the non-adhd spouse. Husband has appt for medication next month. Had ADHD entire life, untreated. I'm trying to hold out to see what happens with medication. But in the meantime...
I keep reading that a trait of ADHD is that a person can forget an issue and move right along. This is not the case with my spouse. He is still holding on to what he considers injustices from years ago and wants to constantly revisit them, analyze them, just beat it to death. The thing is, these have all been resolved. He cannot recall those conversations. And he cannot move on. In addition, about every 3 days there is something else about me or about our relationship that he wants to put under a microscope and dismantle and question every aspect of. It is making me insane! It's just so negative all the time. I cannot stand it. When I get defensive and irritated after fielding this, I am blamed for getting defensive and just politely trying to move on, or tell him this isn't the time for this discussion (because it's usually at 10pm at night or while I'm trying to get ready for work or Christmas Eve or some other equally inappropriate time to nitpick and cause a disturbance.).
He says he doesn't trust me, although I've never been unfaithful and he knows that and says he doesn't worry about that. He doesn't trust that I won't do "something" to hurt him.
The irony is, I feel I spend every day trying to move forward from the horror show that our relationship has been for the last 2 years, primarily due to ADHD and the impacts of that on our life. The injustice of him continually telling me everything that I do wrong, and him pointing out all of my faults, while I stand by and be the best, most understanding spouse I can be, just makes me boil. His emotional disregulation has been so extreme I've had to have him removed from our home, his finances have left me short on rent, his car is forever undrivable, the medical disasters are frequent, our friends are weary of him...but it's ME who can't be trusted??
Has anyone else experienced their ADHD spouse not letting grievances go? Nitpicking something to death? Not remembering resolution?
We are barely talking as I type this.
Been there
Submitted by sickandtired on
Hi, my ex-boyfriend was exactly like this... he would constantly air his grievances but never try to find solutions or move on. He would criticize EVERYTHING I did, right down to if I got one word incorrect while singing a song. Once, a dear lifelong friend of mine told him in jest that he had better take good care of me, and my exBF would not let that go.... for years. He even called my friend the N word while complaining to me about my friend. Any time he aired his grievances, which was often, he would go on for hours and hours, literally 8 hours!!! I could never get a word in edgewise. It was exhausting! He would follow me to the bathroom and still complain through the door about how the world was against him. He had a victim mentality constantly, and misinterpreted many interactions with others as them being aggressive toward him, which could not be further from the truth. The constant negativity about everything killed any love I may have had for him, and I became depressed. It was not healthy for me to continue with him, and I'm so glad I left him. He's still negative and wrote me very negative threatening emails after I dumped him because he then focused all of his negativity on me, like I had the power to ruin his life. His life was a mess when I met him, I just didn't learn about his dysfunctions until after he moved in with me, quit his job, and continued to mooch off of me for 10 years. This is a cautionary tale for you. Don't be like I was. Sending you a hug.
Your story made me reflect.
Submitted by M. on
Your story made me reflect. Thank you for sharing.
I have the same bathroom stories. Oh my gosh. Standing at the bathroom door continuing to argue, or waiting for me to come out to keep arguing, or even just coming right in. No control. And negative negative negative.
I really appreciate you sharing. I will remember this.
Yes
Submitted by ShouldaCouldaWoulda on
"Has anyone else experienced their ADHD spouse not letting grievances go? Nitpicking something to death? Not remembering resolution?"
With my severe adhd wife- (because I didnt learn to communicate properly) it was always the same things over and over- for 18 years before her diagnosis, then for another 10 years afterwards. We also had the 'Saturday Fights' until the end of the relationship.
She also would, during the disagreements, not remember certain things we discussed, or that she proclaimed, and also would 'remember' things that I said, but actually didnt say.
I blame several things on all of this:
1) Never any therapy at all on her part/
2) Never taking her meds properly or not taking her meds.
3) Closet Alcohol abuse on her part.
4) Denial that her adhd lack of treatment or therapy
5) My ignorance on doing more research into the non adhd spouse's role and how to communicate with her until it was too late
6) Curbing my own anger, resentment issues until it was to late..
7) Getting my own therapy only 4 years before the end of the relationship, and with a therapist that didn't put much stock into adult adhd.
Thank you
Submitted by M. on
Thank you so much for sharing your experience and insight. I truly appreciate it and it makes me feel less alone.
I have come to have reason to be concerned about alcohol intake as well. It's only happened twice, but if my spouse has more than 2 glasses of anything, it goes off the rails. I'm not sure he believes me when I say I don't want to be around him when he drinks and I'm not sure how to handle this.
My spouse has an appointment for medication next month, and fully knows and accepts his diagnoses. He doesn't really fully understand the impact on our relationship or on me, though. Even though he has this book. (Of course, never finished it.) He also doesn't understand that much of these issues are ADHD. He puts them on me.
I've done a great deal of research, so I think I'm approaching the situation to the best of my ability, but I honestly cannot 100% monitor my responses and manage the "Saturday fights" as you say. It sure is every weekend. I dread what the weekends will bring....
So grateful for your response.
c ur self and KellyJ
Submitted by ShouldaCouldaWoulda on
c ur self and KellyJ are two folks on here that offer great insight from both sides of the fence on adhd
c ur self is a non-adhd spouse, like myself, and has great knowledge and insight on how he handles his realtionship with his wife.
KellyJ is a male with adhd and is a wealth of knowledge and a priceless example of how someone with adhd goes the distance to work with and understand his adhd.
I have learned a LOT just by reading the very educational and thoughful posts of BOTH of these men.
I only wish I had found this forum 5 years ago at least-
With that said, Melissa Orlov (owner of this site and expert) has said, and i agree 110%, it takes BOTH partners to acknowledge, understand, and actively participate in all aspects of adhd to make it a successful relationship, or it may not end good in the long run. (my relationship is a PRIME example.
Wow, this could not have come
Submitted by needingstrength on
Wow, this could not have come more timely today. I just logged on to reach out regarding my ADHD spouse behaviors in the same ways.
We just had a huge, stupid, blow up again because he just cannot accept my profuse apologies on a matter that happened four months ago (and claims is related to an incident today where he claims I did an injustice to him "on purpose" and it's related to the one from four months ago." Trust me it is a stretch. Today's injustice of forgetting to order him food along with mine brought apparently is connected to an incident in the past and further proof that I "don't care about him and I never do anything for him and it's all about me (wife)" He revisited it today and got many details wrong which he insists he is right on, and I think turn, these details justify HIS argument for how he felt today. As if he's never committed any wrongdoings (and an apology from him is out of the question). Then he claims I'm the gaslighter when I'm the one left in tears. I'm so very exhausted and many special or big occasions leave a sour taste in my mouth because of this sort of thing. I just had surgery, ordered food online (to make matters go faster to get home because he's very impatient) and he freaked when I forgot to get him a meal. I was and still am on painkillers which is not frequent at all for me so my system gets confused. I'm so tired of hearing about how selfish I am for forgetting the food when he's being selfish and pouty for being mad I "forgot to include him." I’m sorry that being on ridiculous painkillers that I’m not usually on muddled my mind a bit.
He is my best friend and I know in 24 hours it will turn a complete 180 and he will not acknowledge his behavior and just "forget about it and move on" which is funny because it sounds like he's the one that can't move on from past injustices.
Glad we connected
Submitted by M. on
While I'm so sorry to hear that you are experiencing this, I am at the same time glad that we found each other with these posts today.
Yes, what you describe is the same thing that is constantly happening in my life. Old grievances tied to new "issues" that could be handled with a simple, "that hurt my feelings" and then moving on. I, too, rarely get apologies until much, much later (we're talking months) when he finally realizes that what he did/said was horrible. At the time, it's always me, and he accuses me of gaslighting him! It's absolute insanity.
I apologize and apologize and apologize, and it's accepted at the time, but it never lasts. Can you imagine if we constantly brought up and punished them for the weekly nightmares that we navigate?? I'm so tired of the punishment.
I've also spent a lot of time on the receiving end of hearing that I don't do for him as much or in the same way that he does for me. And I just FUME, because I spend an abnormal amount of time doing the delicate walk of not disrupting anything and risk another volatile blow up over nothing. I'm sure you do, too.
I REALLY feel, and appreciate, what you said about having special occasions leave a sour taste in your mouth. We got married this year and I'm still so sad because of the scene he caused the morning of our wedding. I can't seem to get past it in my memory and in my heart. I really appreciate you sharing that same feeling.
And yes, it's SO EXHAUSTING. I'm absolutely exhausted.
May I ask, is your husband on medication? I feel like that is my last hope, but I'm losing optimism.
There is no way to continue living in this cycle. How long have you been together?
I'll share that right now, my actions/feelings/thoughts are about taking back my life. I am not worrying about him or his feelings. I am owning my own peace. I want light, and that is the path I want to walk. Peace. My mindset is he can join me, or he can go elsewhere. Im not going to engage in a conversation about it. It will do no good. I'm just going to keep walking in my peace and my light. I am a happy person and I'm determined to get that back.
I'm sorry you had surgery and I hope you are feeling better soon.
I'm here to chat with if you need it.
Let me take a guess...
Submitted by ShouldaCouldaWoulda on
Yall can have a disagreement, then sort of discuss it, sort of reach a resolution, then you will accept it and go back to evrything 'seems' normal...until the next week and the same argument comes up again....wash rinse and repeat.
And you ALWAYS apologize and try harder to do different- its a 180 degree cycle....
Then after awhile, one day....you look in the mirror and ask yourself 'WHY am I always apologizing...for 28 years, I'm always the wrong one and ALWAYS apologize??'
And then you start to think YOU are crazy.
Wash rinse repeat indeed
Submitted by M. on
You nailed that. Wash rinse repeat. Wow. That's exactly it.
And yes, there are times I do feel like I'm going crazy. I have to work hard to remind myself that I know what I know. I am very aware.
I feel like therapy is not moving us forward because no matter what, wash rinse repeat.
If medication doesn't help, nothing will at this point.
Trying to get it to stop...
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
You keep apologizing in the hope that the latest apology will make the re-arguing the issue to stop. But the re-arguing is no longer about the original issue (not that it ever was) but about the recurring ADHD symptom. And that never goes away. Again.
I've stopped apologising
Submitted by Exhausting on
I stopped apologising when I finally realised I was apologising for no reason other than to try and keep the peace and to diffuse a volatile "Saturday" argument. I was apologising for his behaviour, his verbal abuse yet I wasn't the one dishing out foul, hateful language and calling me the most disgusting and cruel names. And then the next day it was if NOTHING had happened. Talk about crazy-making.
Agreeing
Submitted by sickandtired on
Even if I eventually agreed with him that he was correct about some issue, he STILL wanted to argue, as if he was compelled to air his grievance regardless of what I said. If I disagreed, agreed, or just kept silent, he was going to argue his point until he ran out of steam. Then he would seem exhausted for hours, but still claiming I was unreasonable.
Old grievances to today’s issues
Submitted by needingstrength on
I too, am glad to have connected.
Old grievances tied to new issues...when he repeatedly says he wants to "move on" from the past. He has expressed the desire on both sides of the relationship for us to forgive, apologize, and move on but he doesn't keep up his end of the bargain. I have done so much personal work in this area and really feel like I've made good progress.
This most recent incident hurt a lot. Talk about being selfish, which is what HE accuses ME of! And then he says I'm manipulating and gaslighting him. I can tell you with utmost certainty that not getting him food while ordering some for myself was not done out of hatred or spite in any way. He forgets stuff on the daily. Sometimes important stuff. Which is ironic in this situation. It is embarrassing how severe his reaction was, to be honest.
The "not doing anything for me" especially stings. I cook, clean, caretake our child, purchase him new clothes when he needs, arrange everything, keep up on the family calendar..you name it. Nothing makes tears come to my eyes faster than when he says this. This BAM Jekyll and Hyde comes out a few days later and he is doting, attentive, helpful (still sans apology).
Meds: not yet, but needs to. He had a consult with a family physician who said he needs to go to a psych for adhd meds. He has the referral form and everything but it's been several months and the appointment has not been made. I'm standing my ground- it's on him. He needs them though.
Been together over a decade. It was much different before we had a kid. Having a kid has definitely exacerbated his symptoms because let's face it- adding a kid to the mix is stressful in lots of ways. Pre-kid he blew up but since it has so much more intense, mean, and petty. Cruel sometimes.
I'm doing personal growth in these areas you've described. My responses to his rage bursts are more calm now, and I have to control to not respond or when I do respond in a reasonable manner. It doesn't make it hurt any less and I do often cry about it when he's not looking.
I know many would beg to differ but he's truly a great man and my best friend, father of my child. He will do my DIY ideas in a flash, and he supports us. We love just talking and know everything about each other. But wow does my heart break sometimes.
Not so great man
Submitted by adhd32 on
I don't think a great man would have a melt down because his medicated post surgical wife ordered food only for herself. A great man would have taken care of nourishment for the entire family without comment. A great man doesn't say cruel things to hurt his wife so she has to cry in private. A great man works towards a common goal and supports his teammate. A great man compromises and cooperates without being a sore loser. A great man cares about the burden his wife carries and helps carry the load. A great man is proud of his wife's accomplishments and wants everyone to know how great she is. A great man doesn't keep score. I am not married to a great man. I am married to a perpetual adolescent in a man's body who has all the rights of an adult but all the impulsiveness and lack of awareness of a 12 year old. He is not interested in changing. He cannot be happy for me and literally becomes annoyed when he sees that I am happy around others. He has no friends and a superficial relationship with his family. He claims he doesn't hold grudges yet he let a friendship go with his best friend because friend had different political views. Friend asked H to stop sending disparaging emails about his candidate. H kept it up and friend blocked him. Obviously in H's mind the friend is wrong and H was there to educate him. H has no respect for different views or opinions. Many years were wasted on my part trying to get him to see that people have their reasons for their opinions based on their personal experiences. H cannot empathize and see things from another perspective, in his mind everyone lives his same life. Anyone that deviates from the story in his head is subject to ridicule, especially those who are more successful or seem to have it all together. A great man or woman is great at home, at work, in public, in a crisis, at holiday gatherings, meeting new people, doing chores, finishing what they start etc. A great man doesn't need to be reminded of his vow of commitment, he lives it everyday.
Amen!
Submitted by sickandtired on
Amen! adhd32 you are absolutely correct. We who have lived with a selfish, immature partner learn to lower our expectations to the point that we lose touch with how badly we are being treated. We forget what a good relationship is actually like, and we start to accept our mistreatment as normal, for us anyway. If they are good most of the time, that does not excuse their bad behavior. It is so easy to get caught in an enabling role if we are not careful. I used to do everything for my ex, as well as make excuses for his bad behavior toward me and toward others. My best friend and my niece confronted me about his verbal abuse and paranoia towards others and it was a huge wake-up call for me to get out. I'm so glad I escaped a lifetime with someone so self-centered and unaware of the constant damage he caused.
Agree. It becomes intolerable
Submitted by M. on
Agree. It becomes intolerable to have to be subjected to the verbal assaults that their brains can't control. Don't need to be here for that.
Mine has gone through anger management counseling so the yelling has stopped. The verbal onslaught has mostly stopped. But he doesn't understand that it's not just about yelling. It's also about the emotional disregulation and the passive aggressive nasty comments.
We will see if medication makes a difference. If we make it to that point. January is when the appointment is.
AMEN-I second that !
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I agree that the behaviors mentioned are not the mark of a good/great man.
I used to make excuses for my non-ADHD ex husband. He is a good man because he pays the bills and doesn't hit me, even though he abused me in other ways. I set the bar so low.
Jekyll and Hyde
Submitted by M. on
I can certainly validate your feelings and experiences. Including doing immense personal work and not having it seen, and continuing to be told WE are the ones gaslighting, the ones who are selfish.
I relate down to the buying clothes! I even bought refrigerator magnet calendars to help, and then am insulted and accused of not sharing info (again, a reason for him to say he doesn't trust me), and all along the info is written right there on the calendar.
I understand that you see the amazing side of him. I know what you mean. When it's good, it's great, right? So it's even more heartbreaking when these episodes arise, and yes, it's embarrassing for many reasons. I find that I have a lot of shame that I'm enduring it. I don't have children with my spouse and we haven't been together very long. Your situation is much more complex than mine, and walking away isn't so much an easy option. It's not even an easy option for me because of the love AND the shame.
I've read that adding children does exacerbate the situation, because it is even more for the adhd spouse to try to manage. You are not alone in your experience.
What I am trying to understand is how does the executive "dysfunction" of the brain relate to this never letting go, nitpicking, fight-starting issue? Is it because communication gets really difficult therefore it comes out sideways? Is it because many with ADHD have the feeling that people dislike them or blame them even when there is no evidence? I'm looking for the science of it, and that helps me work with it better.
Blame shifting
Submitted by sickandtired on
I think that the nit picking and constantly blaming others comes from his own low self-esteem. Many adhd folks were bullied or put down because of their behaviors like forgetting, short attention span, misunderstanding social cues etc. After a lifetime of this, it seemed like my ex was overcompensating and attempting to protect his fragile perpetually bruised ego by focusing on other people's faults. It made him feel better about himself by putting down others, as an attempt to level the playing field in his mind. It becomes a go-to coping skill, even if it alienated friends and loved ones, and when folks started to distance themselves from him, in his mind their distancing just reinforced his victim role and conclusions that they are the problem, not him. I know any slight correction I suggested to him resulted in a huge loud insulting attack on me as being "against" him "just like everybody else!!!" he would proclaim frequently if I disagreed even slightly with his paranoid negative view of the world. He would take any constructive criticism as a personal attack. Like when he wanted to represent me in a court of law even though he barely finished high school. He would scream, "you don't respect me!!!" just because I wanted to hire a qualified attorney. Any time I wanted to hire anyone, from a carpenter to an attorney, he would accuse me of "plotting against" him. It's amazing to me, as I look back at our relationship, how fragile and yet how mean and controlling he was.
Fridge calendar
Submitted by needingstrength on
I too recently purchased a visible write-on monthly calendar because he could never remember appointments. I've been yelled at in the past "it should be so easy for you (wife) to text me (husband) a reminder. So comes the wall calendar in a space he's forced to see each morning. I keep it up to date. He still asks me for reminders but at least I've covered the bases I guess.
Thanks for recognizing the amazing side. I wonder if his dysregulation comes from childhood experience. One of his parents was quite self-centered (likely narcissistic) and he recalls lots of miserable moments of childhood of all the attention being on them during special occasions and illness. He was probably unconsciously triggered by this when the "attention" (surgery) was on me for a day. Then he blew up with frustration when it was "even more about me" with the food. The connection I see at is that his emotional dysregulation episodes are related to him perceiving self-centered attitude (whether it's truly there or in this case, it was not) and having his childhood trauma engrained in him. I've had big mess ups in the past. I have a temper that can get pretty hot but I've worked so very hard on personal work to get past it and move forward. I'm nothing like his parent and the crazy part is he...himself! is displaying the self centered qualities he so despises (not being "thought of" with the food forgetting the context of the day. In his mind past trauma=present explosions are one and the same I think.
Exactly!
Submitted by sickandtired on
And he perhaps felt rejected because all of the attention was on you during the surgery. This is the reason I think relationships get even worse when children are added to the mix. He doesn't get your full attention any more because infants and children require a huge amount of energy to protect them from danger, to teach them about life, to nurture them. I never had any children, but I saw this type of jealousy from my ex when I took care of our 6 dogs, most of which were his. He would leave them alone for weeks at his place outside with just a bag of dog food and an automatic watering spigot. When I said they need vet care, or when I would intervene when he roughly tried to discipline them, his refrain was always, "You care more about those damned dogs than you care about ME!!!" I tried to explain to him that he's a grown man who can take care of himself, while the dogs rely on us for their care and protection. Somehow my answer put him into a rage I just couldn't wrap my head around. He was actually jealous because I spent hundreds of dollars in vet bills taking care of HIS dogs.
H is jealous of 31 year old daughter
Submitted by adhd32 on
We had a 4 day visit from our single 31 year-old daughter with whom I am very close. H pouted the whole time because she and I spent time out doing things while H sat home glued to his phone. After she left I told him that she felt his attitude was unwelcoming because he ignored her. He never asked her a single question even though they sat 3 feet apart during every breakfast while he ignored her while studying his phone. There are many things he could have asked her because she has an unusual job and travels a lot. Nope, nothing. His defense was that he felt excluded in our plans although he did tag along on a day trip. When I asked him before she came what arrangements he made with her or questioned him about what his expectations were for her visit he had no answer. Asked him numerous times what were his plans, did he have an idea for a day thing. Crickets. Asked him yesterday after she left if his expectation was for her and me to sit around all day while he ignored us while he stayed glued to his phone. I'm the bad guy for arranging things to do that aren't interesting to him yet he has literally nothing to offer and would rather sit home. Told him that we see her only a few times a year and my relationship with her is mine alone, it isn't a 2 for 1 deal. The chickens have come home to roost as Nana used to say. Now all these years later he is reaping the rewards of all the times he could have stepped up as a father yet chose himself instead.
AND….
Submitted by sickandtired on
...he sees himself as the victim claiming you two "excluded him". It's like you can't win, huh? If you take him along I imagine there's a lot of passive aggression.
My best friend from high school and college came to see me while I was living with my ex boyfriend, and I made the mistake of inviting him to join us on a 4 day road trip through Arizona, which included the Grand Canyon and Monument Valley, which was on her dream vacation list. I wish we had just left him at home because he didn't like any of it, droned on and on and on in the car about his tragic life story that we had all heard before, beginning with his mom being a nervous person during her pregnancy with him... all the way to his present day grievances. It really turned the beautiful desert countryside into a bummer of a trip, with him raging at 2 of the dogs we took, as well as him badgering my best friend with incredibly personal questions about her childhood and her sex life. He seemed angry and jealous to see me so happy to be reunited with her when I hadn't seen her for almost 10 years. He made a loud scene at the Monument Valley visitor's center that was so embarrassing and unnecessary, but I guess it served its purpose to make me miserable like he was.
Not much for small talk
Submitted by Exhausting on
They don't do small talk well, unless it is a subject that is of interest and then it would be hard to get a word in. This comes across as socially awkward but I feel it's just another symptom.
That's a really great
Submitted by M. on
That's a really great observation, about the presumed self-centeredness triggering the episodes. That made a light bulb go on for me. If I think about it, I think the episodes on our end have the same type of root. I'm very often accused of "having it my way" or not thinking about him and doing things that I feel are ok (and yes, I've done some things that seem normal for my life that maybe aren't tolerable to everyone, but they were NEVER done with intention to harm or upset). And a bazillion times he tells me I should make his life easier by just texting him or just reminding him or somehow making it easier for him, but there isn't regard to what that also puts on me and it puts me in the role of parent and I won't do that.
Mine also has loads of childhood issues. But who doesn't?! That's what therapy is for. But then mine goes to therapy and somehow comes home and tells me all the things his therapist (who supposedly specializes in ADHD) says about how I seem to have issues. We all have issues. I go to my therapist to work on mine. There's no way to suggest they use therapy to work on THEIR life. And then, mine forgets he even has a therapist. So there's that....
So I know that ADHD causes all sorts of skewed perceptions. And I know it causes them to often feel that people are against them. I don't know if this is something that medicine can help?? Or, what part of the brain drives that.
Our stories about symptoms and such are so similar. I have to believe this is ADHD related.
Sad
Submitted by sickandtired on
It really hurts when he accuses you of nefarious intent, like you are intentionally targeting him when you are just doing what needs to be done to take care of yourself, or when you just innocently are trying to help the situation for his own good as well. It seems like there are only 3 basic roles seen in this scenario... the victim, the savior, and the bad guy. Maybe it was easier for him to process interactions if they categorize them simplistically like this. I was his savior at first, giving him shelter, financial and emotional support... but if I didn't happily agree with all of his crazy ideas, I was swiftly put into the bad guy category, with him perpetually taking the victim role. For example, even though I financially supported him for years with him not contributing a dime to our living situation, when I broke up with him, he would tell our friends (my friends) that I had "financially ruined" him. All I did was cut off his ATM card to my bank account after our breakup.
I deeply understand this.
Submitted by M. on
I deeply understand this.
On one occasion I had to make him move completely out of the house. All he could focus on was that awful thing I had done to him rather than how he got himself there in the first place.
Seems to be a deep inability to connect the dots to understanding that their own choices have caused the resulting things that happen in their lives. Including losing friends and being estranged from family. It's always what others have done, with failure to see how it got there.
"Intentionally Targeting"
Submitted by needingstrength on
"intentionally targeting him when you are just doing what needs to be done to take care of yourself, or when you just innocently are trying to help the situation for his own good as well."
I very much relate to this.I'm still thinking about the ordering food "blowup," it's been hard for me to get past. I was accused of malicious intent- "not considering him/needs/feelings." I guess I feel like a normal person wouldn't even draw a connection of maliciousness in this instance.
Just again today-I have been
Submitted by needingstrength on
Just again today-I have been accused of "never thinking of him, only thinking of myself" over the silliest, smallest thing (not going to name it for privacy issues but trust me, this is something that should have just been resolved in a normal conversation). Then he immediately references a big argument from months ago (I was in the wrong, apologized sincerely, feel true remorse because I was in the wrong regardless of the fact that I'm constantly tiptoeing around outburst triggers) and connects it to today's "feeling invisible and your needs always come first." What is so frustrating is the constant connection to the past. We've done wrong in both sides but it is impossible to move on when the smallest infraction is an equal offense to a true issue. We've had a few amazing discussions when he's in a calmer mind about our relationship and moving forward and it's good for a couple days. In actual practice, though, he is incapable of actually doing just that. He cannot move on because todays "offense" is "just like" [insert big argument]. I'm just so tired of referencing past events that I've apologized for and cannot change. I just want to move on. He says he gets frustrated because I (wife) need to change but then if I slip up one time it brings up 10 years of my mistakes instead of focusing on the good things I've done. Sure sounds more like he cannot move on. I get it, I've done wrong but it's impossible to show improvement when a slip-up totally erases everything else in his mind. You'd think I have never thought of him or done anything for him.
Exactly "is just like." Oh my
Submitted by M. on
Exactly "is just like." Oh my goodness. That is the perpetual argument. Whatever happens in the now cannot simply be addressed in the now because it is linked to "just like...." And why is it that we cannot say that every symptom or every argument "is just like." Because it is. And we know that. But for some reason it's supposed to be something we forgive because of their ADHD.
There truly is only so much of that a person can take. We have to be allowed to grow and move forward. Otherwise we are dying inside.
I hear you. It's a
Submitted by needingstrength on
I hear you. It's a frustrating place to be. I truly, sincerely, from the bottom of my heart want to move on. I'm not trying to brush things under the rug or ignore wrongdoings in the past. I just want to forgive (both sides) and move forward with positive intentions and not constantly revisit old things. Not because I want to ignore or am shirking responsibility but I want a better future. He makes it so hard to do that by connecting every present mishap to all the past stuff.
Checking in
Submitted by needingstrength on
I don't think there is a way to private message someone here, so I'll drop a note on this thread. How are you? Has anything come of the appointment?