I have read so many posts here over the past couple of days and so many of them could have been written by me that's it's scary and at the same time a big relief just to have a possible answer to these multiple problems.
We have been married for nine years, we have an eight year old daughter and five year old son together, I have a 17 year old son from my first marriage and my husband has a 16 year old son from his first marriage. All children live with us. I'm 35 and my husband is 43.
Over the past 2-3 years my relationship with him as well as his relationship with his son and my son have gone to pot. Last week I had to make him leave the house and stay with his mom because I just couldn't take another minute of it. The problems we are dealing with are for one, anger. He has the worst temper, never physically violent but verbally a nightmare. Anything or nothing can set him off. The name calling is the worst, I think because he knows that it makes me the angriest. Another really bad problem is his impulsive behavior, he's a gambler, loves playing poker, buying lottery tickets and taking risks in general. One other large problem, the one thats driving us to financial disaster is his spending. He can no longer be trusted with his own checking account, I have to be responsible for all bills, he doesn't seem to worry about anything, really lives for the moment. He's been known to steal my card from my wallet and make large cash withdrawals without even telling me, it gets me so upset and when I confront him he tries to turn it around on me by saying I am trying to control him, when I am only trying to spend wisely and make sure we can pay our bills.
I read a post where someone was talking about there husbands driving and I thought, "wow, I really could have written that word for word" it really makes me nervous and has caused many many problems, I don't see what this has to do with adhd but my husband is a terribly wreckless driver. The thing that bothers me most is why he would be so wreckless with me or my children in the car, he's been known to get into altercations with other drivers on the highway, sliding in and out of traffic, coming very close to causing accidents because he has become enraged by another driver, so much so that he fails to realize he has taken other's lives into his own hands with no regard. When I confront him it always turns into an argument, to the point that I try to just not say anything and deal with it to avoid the confrontation.
At home everyone walks on eggshells. He can get very verbally abusive, at times he has called my oldest son an f'ing bastard and other horrible things. My son has learned to ignore most of what he say's and not take it personally but it hurts me so much knowing that I am the one that is putting up with this behavior. He has also been very rude to my parents, to the point they don't like to visit, at one point he actually kicked them out of the house, and they live 600 miles away.
He has a drinking problem that only makes matters worse. He normally tries to hide his drinking but it's obvious when he's drinking. He becomes louder and rambles on, lots of foul language and I can't stand the cussing, I'm certainly no saint. I have fit's of rage myself where I say a lot of things that I don't mean but I didn't use to be this way, which is why I had to make him leave for a while. I don't want to turn into a sour person, I feel like he is making me someone I don't want to be, even though realistically I know that nobody controls you except you. I really feel like I'm losing it. I've become really depressed, staying in bed a lot, very tired all the time and I don't know why. I certainly don't know how to fix this.
Since my husband left I turned to the internet to try and learn what could be wrong with him, he has been seeing a dr, physciatrist, he does realize he has a problem. They put him on cymbalta which doesn't seem to have helped at all. He is normally a very energetic person, he likes to be doing something, he doesn't sit still for long, but since he's been on the cymbalta he has become more tired, sleeping in late. He isn't working right now, he is retired from the marine corps but since getting out in 2007 he hasn't been able to hold down a job for more than six months at a time, he seems to start out great but loses interest quickly. He also has always had a problem with not finishing a project. He has a really bad problem with decided he wants to do something, spending money on it then never doing it at all or when he does start something he never wants to clean up afterwards, he will leave ladders out, packaging something came in, stuff like that. I'm very thorough so maybe that's just me being overly organized but he is not organized at all. His tools can be found all around the house, from the garage to the kitchen and also the laundry room.
Another topic I'd like to touch on is communication. He and I cannot talk about anything, I mean nothing. If there is a bill that's due or an urgent situation it always turns into an argument. All I want is to talk, I believe brain storming can solve problems but he does not feel that way, he want to ignore it until the problem is so far out of control it demands attention or like a car will be repossessed. If I try to bring up anything important, I'm nagging him. I hate being viewed this way, it certainly not the way I ever viewed my marriage would turn out.
I read a little bit about the hyperfocus? and I don't have a complete understanding of what exactly it means but I believe it's happening now. He is very focused on coming home and repairing our marriage, vowing he will change. This conversation has happened a million times over but never once has anything ever changed, they are only getting worse.
I know you all don't know me or my husband but from what you've read do you believe this could be adhd? He is seeing his dr on Tuesday to talk about adhd is there anything I should know before he sees the dr?
I'm glad this site is here, it may very well be the beginning of getting the right kind of help, I hope so.
I don't mean to make him seem all bad, he has his good side too. he is a very caring person underneath all of this and I'd like to get him back to normal if it's at all possible. One can only take so much of this though.
Thanks for any advise.
Jen
my husband too
Submitted by metooo on
My husband retired from the Air Force a few years ago after serving for 30 years. He was a colonel when he retired. My story is similar to yours, but the kids don't live with us and my husband won't get diagnosed for ADHD. I knew something was wrong a long time ago, and wouldn't have thought about ADHD, except he told me he has it. I didn't start researching it until a few months ago. The anger and bad language has gotten much worse. He isn't hiding the drinking anymore. I don't know if that makes it any better. He's at the bar right now. I don't know how much debt we're in. He gets his retirement pay which I don't think I can touch (I don't know) so he's in control of our finances. I don't have any advice for you...in the same place you are. You aren't alone.
If you were married when he was in the Air Force...
Submitted by Sueann on
My daughter is an attorney who specializes in divorces where one spouse is/was in the military. If you guys get divorced, you would get a percentage of his pension. That's all I know about it.
It sucks when one partner controls all the money. Been there, done that. Good luck to you.
Could it be ADD?
Submitted by YYZ on
Well... you described a whole bunch of typical ADD behaviors. I am sorry for the pain this is causing your family. I was diagnosed with ADD about a year ago at the age of 44. I was so relieved that there was an explanation for my traits. When I first read "You Mean I'm not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy" I actually got a highlighter and marked everything that I thought applied to me (Lots). I used to go from job to job, road rage, impulsive spending (I'm still working on that one), before marriage I was guaranteed to blow the relationship, failure in college (Bored/Distracted), I was always pretty laid-back on the surface (Coping Mechanism) angry below the surface. I was fearful of addiction because of family history, so I avoided that one, but I was trying to Buffet myself to death (Self Medicating). I was aweful at communicating when it counted. The ADD brain is exhaused pretty early in the day, so communication is VERY difficult, anger comes out easily and you look like you just don't care. This was not true for me... I was tired and not prepared for the discussion, so even though I may have a thousand thoughts firing off in my mind, I cannot spit the words out. I was a fairly high performing ADDer, as I have not been without a good job since 1994 (3 months) and I pull my weight in household duties. My wife get's a bunch of credit communicating that she expected and appreciated our partnership. Hyperfocus, yes... That me a good programmer, problem solver, project manager and can also keep me from doing things that need to be done because I am wrapped up in the project. I knew organization was a problem, but being a Tech Nerd, I embraced smart phones and Outlook (email, whatever...) the reminders, tasks, to-do lists, address book and so on. I am way more organized than my non-add wife. I have to be or it will go wrong fast.
I hope your husband keeps getting help, because when you get the right meds, it makes a world of difference. I mean REALLY. Thirty minutes after my first Adderall, I new what is was like to feel good. The meds are a first step and relearning bad coping mechanisms will take a long time, but it can get better. I know some couples have been through so much, that the damage can be too much. I am still trying to repair things in my house today. If you begin to understand what goes through an ADDers brain, it will help the process. Your husband will have good days and setbacks, but hopefully he will embrace the challenge to improve his life.
Good luck...
pension
Submitted by metooo on
Sueann...I'm his third wife....(red flag, huh...).....his first wife is getting about 2/3 of his retirement, including child support. I don't think I'd get much of anything if we divorce.
ADHD
Submitted by scottp73 on
Hi there,
I have read the comments here on this issue and I will say that I'm in the Navy and you are correct, if a divorce happens, the ex wife is entitled to a percentage of his retirement. However, I would like to make some comments here about this issue. First and foremost, my wife believes me to have the condition, and I must admit that I do have some characteristics of the condition, however, not all. I have learned to control my impulsivity almost to the point of having to plan everything out to a tee.
I would like to give some of my history here. First, I am a Leo and Leo's are known to have bad tempers and be hotheads. However, when my mother was pregnant with me back in the '70s, she smoked cigarettes and drank alcohol. I have read articles about this contributing towards ADHD in children. Well, the days were much different then than they are now. There was no empirical data to suggest that there was even such a thing as ADHD. However, now, it is a much different world. Science has come a long way from how it was back then. I would never try to blame my mother for this, as how could she have known any better? My wife has suggested that she somehow is at fault for me having the condition, however, I vehemently disagree with that as for the reasons I just mentioned.
I recently got married, and my wife has been a godsend to me. She has had the patience that no other woman has ever seemed to have with me. However, she and I do argue. As recently as yesterday. We got into an argument about some papers that she had moved into my condo. I think part of my problem seems to be learning how to communicate better with her. I tend to frustrate her a lot sometimes because I often think I do not know how my demeanor comes across to others. So, basically the whole argument happened when I asked her about some paperwork that I saw in our bedroom. She got really angry at me for asking about when she was going to do something with them. She told me she was busy doing something else on this computer and would get to it later. I wanted to know what she wanted done with the papers, i.e. shredded, thrown away, whatever. . .I kept asking her over and over again until she got so enraged that she started yelling at me. Other facts you should know are she quit a job she had worked for over 8 years to move to be with me in Southern California as my Navy obligations do not allow me the luxury of moving around unless on PCS orders. I have always tried to show her how much I appreciated her doing that, but sometimes, I have a hard time communicating my deepest thoughts.
Anyway, back to the story. The paperwork in question had been sitting in our bedroom for quite some time and I asked her when she was going to do something with it. Well, one thing led to another and we wound up in a big argument over it. In retrospect, it seems kind of ridiculous that two people would argue over papers in bags, doesn't it? Well, I admit that my tone was probably what set her off in the first place. Well, we have not been able to come to some understanding as of the moments that I'm writing this, however, I have never seen her this angry at me before, and I really don't know what to do to get her to realize that I just want this house to be a comfortable place for us to live. She has made my condo a beautiful home. I neglected to mention that she has a son from a prior marriage that I have come to adore like the son I would always want to have on my own. He has seen us arguing which I know is not healthy.
The thing that I would like to mention to anyone that reads this is that to deal with someone like me takes a lot of patience and love. Without that in ANY relationship, it's hard but with someone like me, it's much harder. The things I do are not meant to hurt my wife or son, but nevertheless, they always seem to do so. My wife and son are the most important people in my life and I love them completely with all of my heart, and I certainly would never deliberately make them angry, but what suggestions does someone have for me? Can someone tell me who perhaps is in a similar situation what they have done to keep their wives happy? She has said that I need to "listen to me and do what I say. . . " Well, I would agree to a point, but I am not a child either, and deserve to disagree with her should I. Do we not have that right in a relationship to disagree with one another without one person getting hurt by it? Relationships cannot be one sided and compromise is equally as important as other things. I long to make her happy but does that mean that I should not be happy? For the record, I am not unhappy, I am only asking the question.
Anyway, I hope that someone can shed some light on our situation as I love my wife and son so very much and when she reads this, I hope that she can actually realize that everything I have done and continue to do, is with them in mind. I never think solely of myself. My wife is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I will love her to the grave and beyond but sometimes in life, people disagree and argue and I always thought that was a healthy thing, no? Thanks for reading.
S
Not quite understanding your point...
Submitted by BuriedAlive on
You said your wife believes you have ADHD. Are you arguing that or just stating it to see if others have an opinion on the subject?
About your fight... you said you asked her when she was going to do something with the papers. Is there a reason why she had to take care of the papers? Had you tried to take care of them? Since you asked while she was busy, did your question sound like the papers needed to be handled immediately? You say that you just want your home to be a comfortable place, so you can always offer to help deal with things that are in the way instead of asking her when she's going to take care of it.
You mentioned you feel like she's treating you like a child because she wants you to listen and do as she says. Well, first off, listening to someone is not something only children do. Listening is a great way to let someone feel loved. Listening is vitally important in any close relationship. If she's complaining that you need to do what she tells you to do, perhaps you're not helping as much as she would like. Perhaps you've been unintentionally making her feel like she needs to be the parent. Of course you have the right to disagree with her, but are you disagreeing with her over things she feels you need to be in agreement on - such as parenting or household responsibilities or money? Find out what she is thinking and feeling. It's may be very different from what you imagine. You also mentioned compromise. Are the two of you coming somewhere in the middle to compromise? Or does compromise mean that one person gets their way now and the other person gets their way later?
It's interesting that you brought up compromise. Compromise almost seems like a bad word to ADHDers - at least the ones I know. They tend to think and act in extremes, everything is black or white - no gray, no middle. Even when they say they are compromising, they are upset because what they really see is that they just didn't get their own way. If something is not exactly the way they wanted it, then it is not at all what they wanted. Think of a two scoop ice cream cone - one person wants 2 scoops of chocolate, the other - the ADHD person - wants 2 scoops of vanilla... and there's only enough money to buy one cone. The logical compromise would be to have one chocolate and one vanilla scoop and share the cone, right? But if that's the compromise reached, the ADHDer will focus on the fact that he/she did not get a 2 scoop vanilla cone. They don't care if they got half of a cone with vanilla - they don't even really care that the other person also missed out on an entire cone. They're more worried about how they didn't get EXACTLY what they wanted. But as I said, that's just a representation of the ADHDers I know - it's not a hard, fast rule.
Perhaps you don't think only of yourself - my husband claims the same. But are your actions showing your wife that you're thinking about her? Your thoughts alone won't give her the information, you need to show her through what you do. Yes, arguing is a part of life, so is disagreeing. They shouldn't be something that a couple tries to achieve, though. It's better to try to come to agreements, when possible. Trying to stick to your opinion/stance is not always the healthiest thing for a marriage - especially when your spouse is on the other side. As the old adage says: "pick your battles."
been there
Submitted by hockeymom11 on
No offense, but my ADD (untreated) husband has told me multiple times that he ONLY thinks of me and the kids and that "all I've ever done is try to make your life easier". Sorry dude (meaning my spouse, not you), but actions speak louder than words and his constant anger/yelling, video game playing, spending, ignoring me and the kids, drinking, smoking and acting like a college aged idiot tells me a WHOLE other story. So in your brain you may think you are behaving correctly and doing everything you can for your wife. I do not doubt that you love your family very much, but without medications and behavioral modifications (re-training your brain), we non-ADDrs don't see "your thoughts".
just my 2 cents.
You are totally right about
Submitted by Scarlet on
You are totally right about compromise being a foreign concept to ADD people! I see this all the time with my ADHD spouse. For example, when we were discussing the possibility of getting a new car, he decided that it would be one of three models without getting ANY input from me. (Despite the fact that he has little or no money to pay for it and I will end up bearing the brunt of the financial responsibility). I ask him to please consider some other models and suggested quite a few, but he was completely unwilling to discuss anything other than what he had unilaterally decided. When I tried to reason with him, he started to get angry and accused me of always having to have things MY way!
Anyway, we discussed it in counseling and the counselor told him he was being very rigid. If I had tried to tell him that it would have been world war 3, but surprisingly when the counselor said it he actually seemed to come to the realization that he WAS being rigid. It was one of the first times I have seen him concede a point like that.
Counseling has worked wonders for us.