I'm going to throw out a bunch of questions I've been having about situations that come up over and over again with other couples.
I would love answers from both ADHD and non-ADHD spouses.
There are clear times when my ADHD spouse says something that didn't happen the way he says. I know this is common with couples. He acknowledges this sometimes and welcomes me to correct him. But then there are times he is not okay with it and gets flooded/overwhelmed because he really remembers it differently and wants to disagree with me. For example, I could say
"I feel forgotten about when you go to get a drink, get distracted and take a long time (He could say he'll be a minute and take twenty). I need you to try and stay focused on coming back.
He'll say "I won't get a drink ever again"
I'll correct and say "That's not what I want. What did you hear me say?"
He'll say "You don't like it when I go to get a drink"
I'll correct and say "I didn't say that, I said..." And we repeat something like this over and over.
These are literal conversations. What can I say to what he is saying? A different way to correct? Something that's not a correction? I would love ideas from both spouses!!
Don't argue with reality...:)
Submitted by c ur self on
You hearing him, but your not hearing him....What he is telling you is ....He can't count on being back in a minute...It's like asking a Cat to be a Dog....It's impossible for him to count on being back in a minute...Distraction is greater than will power....Now you get it?:)
Just learn to swap your expectations to..."He may never follow well in conversation and I will know he's back from and errand when he shows up"....Your life will much more peaceful if you will accept his reality quietly....
Best wishes....
C
Been there
Submitted by Delphine on
C has got it right. My son would tell me many times, "I'll be back when I'm back." I have Adult Separation Anxiety, and I went through a lot worrying about him. Paradoxically, it's easier now that he's moved out.
Delphine
A few questions...
Submitted by Redhead5 on
Okay. So I'm hearing that I need to wait for him to come back when he's able but I'm wondering how much time is too much? Those moments happen during important conversations sometimes and even intimate times. I understand to be patient but I also think we need to work on a negotiation. A relationship takes two and one person shouldn't always be compromising for the other. Isn't there something he can work on on his part?
Edit: I should add that I'm aware overall of how things can take longer with him and for him. When he says he's ready to go somewhere like shopping, I know I have at least 5 minutes until he's actually ready. When he goes out shopping for one thing that would take me 10 minutes, I know he might be an hour. But there are times that are more important to me for him to focus.
Well, you can ask him to call
Submitted by Delphine on
Well, you can ask him to call or text at those times when it's more important for you. And hope he remembers to do it ;)
But during?
Submitted by Redhead5 on
I have asked him to call if he's going to be late from work. So that one is working out. But what about when we're in the middle or about to start an important conversation or being intimate and then he needs to go do something like get a drink of water and he's gone for an extended period of time? That's what is happening so I thought it would be okay to ask for him to focus on coming back at those times. I thought my problem was more he's not hearing my request properly. I need to ask him another way but it was a reasonable thing to ask. What do you think?
Readhead...awareness is Key.....
Submitted by c ur self on
Because of the problems of distractions and time management, awareness will be key. You can limit the amount of miscommunication by preplanning. If you are going to start something specific where you need each others full participation for a period of time....Do not start without making sure you have everything you need...
It will save on all the trips to other parts of the house which affords the opportunity for distraction and the frustration that follows in the first place. The longer you deal this (huge difference) the more you will recognize awareness of life style differences (the way his mind works vs yours) makes preplanning vital...
Before you even head out on shopping trips or planned outings go over in your mind y'alls differences...If one of you loves spontaneity and the other is a planner you need to consider this and discuss it....Come to an agreement....It may mean driving separate cars....There has to be flexibility for both parties also....Usually awareness, preplanning and discussion instead of assumption (assuming two adults can get on the same page...not going to happen!!!! LOL) will limit the chaos....
It's always unwise to set time limits on people who show daily they can't manage time...Does this make sense?...So plan your life differently....example: If you decide to leave for the beach at 10 am....and history tells you that you will be setting around for an hour or two frustrated ready to go....Then plan for that in preplanning....When discussing a departure time agree on a goal only...Then have other plans for yourself...Meet your goal and move on to your alternate plans....In my case I may be loaded up ready to go...Then go have breakfast up the street or watch a sporting event or go for a walk. (a text, "I'm ready" is my queue) Anything to keep from setting around being frustrated....Why would we ever set fixed agreements when history has proven to us (mind want allow it) that the agreements can't be met?? We must be smarter than than to fall in these traps....
Blessings
C
My dad would often keep my mom waiting....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
Except for getting to airports, work and church, for many years, my dad was typically late for everything. My mom would get very annoyed. Finally, we told her to just tell dad that she would leave at the appointed time, and he could show up when he wanted. I don't think he believed her at first, but once she did actually leave without him, he stopped being late. Now that wouldn't work for everyone, but my dad was cheap and didn't like wasting gas having two cars go to a location....so he began getting ready on time.
I know that there are some women that would choose to (finally) get ready on time. They dont like to drive themselves. But, others would be fine with their spouses going at the appointed time...
Redhead....
Submitted by c ur self on
It's not that your requests are unreasonable at all...It's just that your expectations aren't reality for him and his abilities...I don't want you to make the same mistakes I did and still do on occasions...Let my expectations cause me emotional pain and have me miserable and saying hurtful things to a person who is just fighting her own battle the best she can....
Speak your requests, but, don't be surprised by inconsistency at best....Do not link your emotions to it....Set up boundaries to protect you both....Neither of you will ever experience the others reality...Respect that an accept it....And you can make it.....
Do I make sense? This is vital...
C
Redhead, I want to tackle a
Submitted by NowOrNever (not verified) on
Redhead, I want to tackle a different part of what you said. What do you think about what I say after my quote of you?
There are clear times when my ADHD spouse says something that didn't happen the way he says. I know this is common with couples. He acknowledges this sometimes and welcomes me to correct him. But then there are times he is not okay with it and gets flooded/overwhelmed because he really remembers it differently and wants to disagree with me. For example, I could say
"I feel forgotten about when you go to get a drink, get distracted and take a long time (He could say he'll be a minute and take twenty). I need you to try and stay focused on coming back.
He'll say "I won't get a drink ever again"
I have had this disconnect with my partner. From my end, I'll understand that I've been specific. My feelings, in your example, are specifically stated, and specifically tied to a limited request, one kind of situation, the discrepancy between when he says he'll do something, and the immeasurable, considerably longer time he takes, without letting me off the time hook, so that I can place my time expectations elsewhere and make choices for myself in his absence. That would be my point of view and intention. Plus its what therapy encourages, to be specific, and to make requests that are do-able. So from my point of view, I feel like I'm trying to communicate in an appropriate way
But the response (familiar to me) yes can be to blow the whole thing out of proportion, from my point of view. Not his, obviously. He has skipped or not noticed my specifics, and blown things up to a universal, sweeping in all kinds of things that werent on my mind. "I wont ever get a drink again"
I'll correct and say "That's not what I want. What did you hear me say?"
He'll say "You don't like it when I go to get a drink"
I'll correct and say "I didn't say that, I said..." And we repeat something like this over and over.
So familiar. Redhead, to me, this kind of communication, though intensely frustrating because what I did say is not what he is reacting to, is certainly something of a head bender, for both. There's no correcting to be accomplished. He's reacting to something else, something in his head, in which parts of what I said but not other parts of what I said play a part. I am capable of only partly listening, too, but you asked about your husband doing it.
Nevertheless, without badgering or bullying, if what's at stake is his version or mine of what I want or asked for, I repeat what I'm thinking or what my request is. Even while I know that he's stuck in his own version. Not to take it to win lose, because there is no win lose, in these interactions. Nor do I think do explanations and clarifications work very well
i do have sympathy, at times, with this kind of overkill guess, coming from my partner, in the face of what I literally said, of what it would take to attend to what in fact I did request. Sympathy. What he did was try to understand a problem by blowing it up to a Big thing and come up with a big rule that would be hard to follow. That he even thought that, and said, ok unilaterally I wont drink again, is something. Executive function problems are farther down the line. I'm sometimes touched that he'dt conceive for a moment to do a for all time and eternity unilateral that I didnt ask for. I dont find thesemoments to be the time to do corrections or reasoning. But I do think it important to somehow acknowledge that he's understanding that I'm asking something of him, and when I'm capable of doing it calmly, quietly but clearly...again...saying, no, I need only this. And let it go. There's no present resolution to them
You've got two different issues...
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
1) It's his business if he takes one minute or takes 30 minutes to come back from getting a drink. He's an adult. However, if he's gone to get a drink while you both are actually doing something (like watching a movie, and he's asked you to pause the movie), then he needs to be considerate and return promptly.
2) If he isn't hearing what you're actually saying, and instead is hearing something very negative and wrong, then sometimes it helps to communicate by text or email when that can me done. In your case, where you end up arguing about what you said vs what he thinks you said, it can help to record yourself when you say certain things. When a person who is INSISTING that you said something that you didn't say hears a recording that bears the truth, and this happens again and again, it can finally convince them that they aren't hearing what they think they're hearing. Until then, they will stubbornly hold onto their mistaken beliefs.
When you're in a situation where an email or text isn't appropriate, and you can't easily record, then simply say your sentence, repeat the sentence....keep your sentence SHORT because likely he is only hearing the first few words.