As you know I moved out of the house several months ago. We are still married and have joint property. One of the things I've been trying to do is to get my husband to either remember to put money into his old account to pay for the automatic withdrawals for his insurance or change the payment withdrawals to his new account. I check and more than half the time since I've been gone, I've had to put money in the old account because he hasn't done it. I went so far as to send him the paperwork to change the payment plan. I even offered to help him fill it out. I have not ever asked to be reimbursed for when I cover him. Rarely am I thanked.
So late last night I got a text saying he had put money in that account to pay for the insurance payment.
Here's my question. Many times he has criticized me for not giving him an "attaboy" when he does something that he is supposed to do. My attitude is, OK, I'll say thank you but I'm not going to stage a ticker tape parade. Goodness knows no one throws me a parade for every time I do something I'm supposed to do, much less PAY HIS INSURANCE PREMIUM FOR HIM. So why does he think he should get all kinds of praise? Isn't that really immature? Should I overload him with praise just to (perhaps) change his behavior? Does that mean I'm going to have to "flood the curcuits" every time he does something? I thought people got over that when they were 3. If I'm wrong please tell me.
Thank you
ok
Submitted by vabeachgal on
You don't need to say anything except "ok" lol Or the same type of general thank you that you would give anyone.
100%
Submitted by CaliforniaGirl on
You're not obligated to respond with anything and yes, although it fits with the ADHD need for constant reward, it is immature to expect a cookie and a gold star for every basic little thing.
You may find that praise, flattery and what not works to get something you need from him (perhaps experiment with it and see) but I wouldn't expect it to work in the long term to change behavior. If it does, great.. but I wouldn't expect it.
I say this because although my ex responded really well to positive strokes in the moment, he never seemed to remember how nicely I treated him, or phrased something, my generosity or my forgiveness the next time around. Whether that was the next hour, next day, next week.. etc. It was gone from his memory.
I would say thank you I
Submitted by dvance on
I would say thank you I appreciate it and leave it at that.
My DH too needs/seeks out an extraordinary amount of praise for stuff. When we argue he often mentions holding a job as a big deal, not something responsible adults do willingly because they wish to do right by their families. He likes to cook but then will ask how it tastes so often that I would prefer he not--I mean, seriously, how many times can we reassure someone that the did a good job at whatever? It's crazy. Grow up already. No one thanks us for, oh, paying bills on time, keeping the fridge stocked, doing laundry regularly, keeping the house clean and picked up, making the myriad of appointments that kids need and guess what--I wouldn't expect it. That's pretty much what you sign up for when you have a spouse and kids. Not that it's always fun but you're happy to do it, you know?
Here's one way to look at it--if you do the stuff you know it will get done right and on time, that's the way I see it. My DH cannot make appointments or follow through to save his life. Two recent examples: younger DS wanted to see his counselor (we kind of have one on stand by, see him as needed) about transitioning to college. He told DH, not me. It took DH a month to make the appointment because he wouldn't ask me for his contact info. Our older son sees the same guy so he has the info too. Or he could have googled the agency. But no, rather than ask me for any kind of help at all, let the child who asked for help go without it for a month. Second example: DS got contacts over the summer and needed the follow up a month later. DH made the follow up appointment for during the school day. I mean, aren't most kids in school at 1pm on any given Tuesday?? So really, I would rather just do all of the things instead of having to undo and redo. If your DHs insurance premium doesn't get paid and he gets into an accident, the repercussions for you since you are still married could be really bad. I totally hear you about him wanting a parade thrown for every little thing--it's ridiculous and immature. His behavior won't change no matter how much praise you heap on him--they are bottomless pits of need and I don't believe we or any other human can fill them.
Let me say it this away....
Submitted by c ur self on
If I was your husband, and we were separated....And the scenario you stated above was going on between us....I would be a pathetic invalid.....Who had been riding your coat tails, instead of living out the daily responsibilities of a man...
c
Thank you all for your input.
Submitted by barneyarff on
Thank you all for your input. I decided to text him a ticker tape parade for 2 reasons
1) I have evidence that I did it.
2) He can't see me rolling my eyes.
I am looking at this as an experiment. I keep getting told that I am always mad and yell a lot. That all I have to do is ask NICELY and he's glad to do it. First of all, why do I have to ask (for instance for him to put money into this account) Secondly, I have asked nicely, many many times. He doesn't pay attention or do much of anything until I'm hopping up and down and annoyed. Then of course he gets to play the reasonable man card and I look like a b----.
Text will work well. Then I have documentation.
It's just a painful dynamic, that is sooo difficult to break....
Submitted by c ur self on
( I keep getting told that I am always mad and yell a lot. )
Barneyarff, you may be gone to some degree, but, you are still carrying a load that doesn't belong to you.....We either have a clean break, or we make excuses to Mother adults....It's just that basic...As long as you continue to engage on any level, you are always going to find irresponsible (in your view of life) actions happening in the way they live and manage life....
It becomes habitual for us....We can even carry guilt for not running behind them, like they were minor children....We justify it (our engaging it angrily, & pointing it out) be pointing out their unacceptable behavior...We just can't make decisions for other adults....I guess deep down we think they would destroy themselves if we didn't intervene on some level...But as long as we do...They have someone to blame...
My suggestion is, do what ever you have to, to not allow yourself to know anything they are doing for six months....And tell them that!...If you want an experiment...Try this live and let live one....If that is to drastic for you...Then come to an agreement w/ them both....That the only things you can say to one another is greetings and positive comments....No trading life details or sharing in each others personal business....
Who do you truly think could handle this *** Non sharing of personal information*** better, You or them?
c
Hello c.....
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I'm interested in what you said in your post:
My suggestion is, do what ever you have to, to not allow yourself to know anything they are doing for six months....And tell them that!...If you want an experiment...Try this live and let live one....If that is to drastic for you...Then come to an agreement w/ them both....That the only things you can say to one another is greetings and positive comments....No trading life details or sharing in each others personal business....
I may try this with my BF, with regards to his lying. I would like our relationship to work out. If I ignore what he is doing and "mind my own business", will there be an improvement? I will give it a try and see.
Adele...I've read your posts...this is my opinion.....
Submitted by c ur self on
You've been abused, and taken advantage of....(You are angry and hurt, rightfully so) You truly don't seem to have ever experienced (from your x and present Bf) what it means to be loved, honored and appreciated...In my opinion you aren't wanting to see the reality of this bf's character....You are wanting to change him...excuse his lying, and hope you can change it or ignore it...A man or women, who continue's to willfully lie to you....Is a liar....That person alone has to see (be convicted) his/her state, and desire change for themselves.....You and I are helpless to bring that to pass in others....
(IMO) You were created to be in a relationship with someone who adores you, who would never lie to you, who is faithful in all ways to you alone...(IMO) A man or women who is looking for life in their pleasures, their good times (selfish fleshly desire)...Instead of the beauty of what they were created to experience...(Giving ourselves fully in a monogamous relationship) That is what is flowing out of you, and out me, and out of so many here....The longing for a healthy attachment, built on trust, oneness, & openness....
You are special....You deserve the company of people who's lives bear the fruit of honor, kindness....People you can trust......When we surround ourselves with people who don't want anything from us (except healthy companionship) we find all of our fears evaporate in this area of life....We can be at peace....We can trust....
c
Thank You.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
Thank You.
I've been in denial for a while, focusing on all his good qualities. You are right. We all deserve to be with someone who won't lie to us.
I was hoping at this stage of my life....to find someone who shares my values. Its better to be alone than with someone who doesn't respect me enough to tell me the truth.
A
Amen....
Submitted by c ur self on
You don't need a man to validate your worth...You are special.....
Adele - lying BF
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Hi, Adele. I'm thinking something like this can work for Barney because she has moved out and has put a stake in the ground about her relationship. Conversely, I am still with my husband and have tried some of this with no success. For instance, because my husband never approached me for time together, I tried completely withdrawing to see if he would miss it and approach me. He did not. Not once. It is an ADHD symptom. (The same thing happened with sex... we have not had it in almost a decade because I stopped asking.) Also, before I knew it was ADHD, I went on a cleaning strike and just let the house go to h... you know. I thought it would have to reach a point where he would pick something up. It did not and I just had an almost insurmountable mess to clean up after two months. It is another ADHD symptom.
I have a feeling if you stay with the BF while you try this tactic, it won't work. He will just be relieved you're off his back and have no need/motivation to change the underlying ADHD symptom. He still gets you and he gets to conduct himself without question.
That is just my opinion from a somewhat similar experience.
From reading your posts, you so deserve to be happy in a relationship that you don't have to question. I wish you all the best.
Melody....
Submitted by c ur self on
I was smiling as I read your comments to Adele, about your life lessons... About the realities of how your husband's mind works....WOW, I learned all those lesson's the hard way...Lot's of conflict when I would question and point out this lack of effort and energy, directed at what I saw as simple life responsibilities..(cleaning, cooking, sex, time mgm, financial mgm..etc.) I was a beast, in denial that people actually lived that way....
It's good we separated for a year....It's sad we had to, (didn't speak highly of us), but, it most definitely saved our marriage, saved me from medications, and possibly jail time:) lol....After that year, when she moved back in...I had realized that we in no wise could live without boundaries, (to protect us from each others realities) and full acceptance of those realities, no matter how different we thought....I had to live like she didn't exist in many area's of life (no expectations, it's difficult, lol..)....Not in an abandoning way, but, just in the mundane things I see as necessary, like separate finances....We have to live and let live to have peace....Pointing out my expectations was and is, the most difficult part for me, to not do!....And her trying to break the habit of dragging me into her chaos, is very (lol, I don't think she tries very hard) difficult for her (have you seen my phone?, have you seen my earring?, have you seen my bra?, what did you do with my this or that when you was cleaning? I'm running late, will you make me a sandwich? will you make me a smoothie? and on and on...LOL...I just love her;).....I know I have to be nice through all of this (my responsibility) so i can either go for a walk those 45 minutes of chaos when she is getting ready for work...Or I can say NO...Or I can just smile and help, When I do calmly help, which is often, I ask her one question at times...Why am I helping you? She know's not say because I'm late, because I will go back to what I was doing....She know's to say, Because you love me.
I would never marry anyone who lives in this type mind again...Not because so many aren't lovable...It's just because their minds consume them....(IMO) There is no room for relational and mundane responsibilities in many...There way of survival isn't fit for others to be subjected to (highly intrusive)....But, they love themselves, so they will wade through the chaos, and stuff, (lots of stuff) to find ways to not starve....
example....My wife was headed to the next state this morning for a third cousins funeral (I was getting all the will you pleases, and the will you do me one more favor comments)...Our youngest son left a shirt here at Christmas...So he was meeting her to attend the funeral (he lives in that state)...She had the shirt hanging on a kitchen chair...I picked it up and put it on top of a recyclable bin right in front of the front door (I set them their to remind me to empty them when I head to the gym)...She saw me, and said "leave that there, don't you know I have a tunnel visioned mind...LOL....I smiled, and said, I think I know that, so I put it back....So in a few minutes she was hollering bye, and that she loved me as she went out the door...I got up and looked in the kitchen, there the shirt was on the chair...I ran out and handed it to her through the window...She said what is that?....I said it's our son's shirt.....Of course she didn't say anything...:)....It's just life here;)...Speaking of the gym, I have got to get up and get busy...
Blessings
c
c ur self
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
It's so nice to feel the camaraderie that comes with knowing others have had to learn the hard way, too, c. Thanks for sharing all of that. :)
I was definitely applying non-ADHD solutions to an ADHD-based challenge and it sure didn't work!
c ur self , this is in
Submitted by shar037 on
c ur self , this is in response to one of your comments. This is my first post on this forum so bare with me as I learn the formatting:)
I just wanted to thank you for the post about continuing to carry the load even after divorce/separation.
I am in the process of divorcing my ADHD husband. Will spare you (and myself:) from the saga, but will say that it's the typical situation that the non-adhd spouse finds themselves.
Your post was a much needed reminder to let go, find peace and to focus on healing.
Blessing to you!
Thanks for this Thread!
Submitted by shar037 on
I registered so that I could respond to this thread. I'm struggling the same situation as the OP.
Just wanted to thank you (OP) for posting and also wanted to thank all who have responded with such wisdom.
This thread alone has been more helpful than 1 year of therapy:)
Thanks to you all who shared your insight. It's been so helpful!
laughing with you
Submitted by Incoming on
I read your post and i couldn't stop laughing , my wife want me to pat her on the back constantly , for doing her job , boy they think there're the greatest thing (since slice bread)
but ill be honest with you, im a sucker for tears ,they cant take reasonability for there behavior ,but she real good throwing out guilt trip
janis joplin
Submitted by repeat that please on
once said, “Onstage I make love to 25,000 people, then I go home alone,”
It's nice when my SO, the One I chose over all others, and who chose me out of everyone else, acknowledges me with some large or small sign of appreciation.
Does praise work both ways?
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
Do you routinely give your SO signs of appreciation in rough approximation to the affirmation you desire? I ask this as a non-ADHD husband whose wife almost never acknowledged anything I did for for her but would get pouty if every mundane thing she did was not overtly praised.
total opposite nuts
Submitted by repeat that please on
Getting a compliment from my SO is nearly impossible, which is why I'm sure I was attracted to her. The trade-off is worth it and if she did offer verbal appreciation regularly, it would probably bug me.
Her loyalty is priceless and her non-verbal cues that she is thankful for what I do and who I am are deeply satisfying. She demonstrates her appreciation by sticking with me through thick and thin, for better or tons of worse. You know?
I have longed for words of gratitude for what I've tried to achieve professionally, as a dad and a husband. Through the lack of receiving it, I'm learning, slowly, to provide it from within me.
Part of the deal for me is accepting and appreciating her style of communicating her feelings. It has taken about a half of eternity, but I'm beginning to respect and enjoy the way she let's me know she's pleased-- through her all around happiness. When she's pleased with me overall, she exudes a sense of inner freedom to be who she really is, and who she really is, is extraordinarily beautiful and lovable to me.
Holy cow! What did I just say? Putting into words the response to your question reminds me how far we've come in our relationship.
'Love Languages' in real life
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
Repeat that please, I think you have given me a real world example of differing 'love languages' (https://www.5lovelanguages.com/) in action. (I recommend the book.) It is heartening to occasionally get unprompted examples of some of the concepts/theories we encounter in the literature.
Change
Submitted by repeat that please on
"I had waited for time to change her
The only change that came was over me"
I Anderson
Praise should work both ways,
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
Praise should work both ways, although in my case, I do not require it. My Love Language is Quality Time, followed closely by Acts of Service. Actions mean more to me than words. I make sure my BF knows how much I appreciate all he does for me. He does things for me without being asked, which is a change from what I experienced in my marriage. I believe his Love Language is Words of Affirmation, because he often asks me if I like what he made for dinner. (He loves to cook, and is great at it.) I am not one to lavish praise on anyone, but I make sure to thank him for the delicious dinner he makes.