Has anyone else had therapists that truly don't get how big of a deal ADHD is in a ADHD(him)+neurotypical(me) relationship? Our couples counselor is helpful in some ways but we again asked her for help tonight with navigating the ADHD effect we're dealing with, and she seems to think it's not that big of a deal. I was very clear we know that ADHD-related issues aren't the only problem we have to overcome, and I wasn't saying it was responsible for everything, but it is very front and center in some of our daily struggles, and my partner and I both need help in learning to handle it better. I've talked to my individual therapist about it too, and even she has said that ADHD isn't the important part, and that it's really about communication. Yes, communication is very important, and again, I know ADHD isn't the *only* part, but why don't they understand that it's a really big part?!? Both my partner and I know and accept that he has ADHD, we both know that he is not his diagnosis, but we also know and accept that it impacts our relationship in a big big way. Do people just not understand until they've lived in it? I don't get it. These are therapists. This is their profession. How do they not understand that it's a really big deal?
Counseling Fails
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on 07/12/2021.
I think that's it.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
"Do people just not understand until they've lived in it?"
I think that's it exactly. If the therapist is not trained to treat people with ADHD will they understand how to help you?
Just as a neurotypical person who is not in a relationship with someone who has ADHD cannot possibly understand how ADHD affects a relationship. My fiance's friends/colleagues see him as the life of the party: creative, impulsive and full of energy. Which he is and those are the things that I love about him. However, they don't have to live with him.
Perhaps if you found a counselor who has experience in treating ADHD? I know it's not easy.
100% agree
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I don't believe traditional couples counseling can help an ADHD-impacted relationship very much because the solutions most often don't take the ADHD into account. I really don't think that counselors who haven't live it (or worked exclusively in it) can't understand how ADHD touches every piece of the relationship--from intimacy and communication to chores and parenting. Most counselors offer neurotypical solutions to ADHD problems and they just don't work. If you can find a therapist with more ADHD-specific experience, things might work better for you. Melissa's course might be a better investment.
Hi
Submitted by jayjay on
I've had bad experiences with counsellors because my husband controls the narrative and persuades them he's perfect and there's me getting irate trying to get them to understand me. When he sees them by himself he usually comes back to tell me they think I'm a narcissist. I'm surprised these therapists just validate his lies just like that not realising it's making him worse!
Anyways, I think you need to go with him to see a psychiatrist who specialises and understands the symptoms of ADHD.
How do you find a counselor who gets it?
Submitted by tiredofbeinghis... on
We have failed couples counseling several times and don't get me started on the family counseling! My husband blames me for EVERYTHING. He says they 'know' that I am the problem, a narcissist, a sociopath, etc. The last one we went to (5 years ago) actually seemed to see what was going on and called him on it. When he suggested that my husband has ADHD, that became my fault too. I must have talked to the counselor behind his back or at very least manipulated him into saying it to take the focus from my own bad behavior. I finally got H to go for an ADHD evaluation last year. He insists he was told he doesn't have ADHD, despite the ADHD specialist recommending psycho educational testing and an ADHD coach while we were both on the phone. Even though H signed a release for me to participate in the evaluation, and I had one call with him alone and we had one call with him together, the specialist has not responded to my email asking if H is telling the truth when he says he was told he ''just has a couple of traits like everyone else on the planet'. Now I am looking for someone who gets what it's like to be the neurotypical spouse and can help me without judging or just telling me to get out. How do you find that unicorn?
I went through the same
Submitted by jayjay on
After several failed counselling attempts where my ADD husband controls the narrative the counsellors apparently reassure him in his one to one sessions he's not an issue and it is perhaps me who is a narcissist. I don't think generally counsellors know how an adhd mind works or the difficulties it brings it a relationship. My husband is very articulate, and narrates his 'truth' far better than my actual truth! He used to tell his story in such a manipulative manner by twisting the truth that I'm left doubting myself during the sessions.
It was after he impulsively ran out the marriage a few months ago, that's when I realised he could have adhd and said to him to get himself diagnosed as my son was being diagnosed at that time and I said the information would help. H happily went along with it and got diagnosed, I was involved in the process with the psychiatrist. Afterwards he just acted like it was nothing just a concentration issue, I asked him to research how it affects relationships and he went on the defense. From there on he started denying he was given a treatment plan to get further therapy and medication. Apparently the psychiatrist just said you have ADD and that's it. Now just in case I tell anyone, he has started making out that I'm spreading a rumour he has ADD. I don't know if he's in denial or just plain lying so nobody judges him on the marriage breakdown.
Alternative interpretation
Submitted by overwhelmed wif... on
I'd like to suggest a possible interpretation of what might be going on in counseling. It is possible that the counselor understands the effects of ADHD on marriage, but is trying to open you up to additional ways to understand your dynamics. For example, while people with ADHD need special kinds of help and understanding, neurotypical people need to be treated well. While I don't know your situation, it is very common on this forum for neurotypical people to live for years or even decades with behavior that is damaging to their mental health, while focusin on their partner's ADHD.
Focusing on their partner’s ADHD
Submitted by tiredofbeinghis... on
I am one of the people who has lived with behavior that was damaging for decades. Because I didn't understand the underlying cause and was told so many times, in so many ways that it was all my fault, that I came to believe it. Even the therapists that we saw made me feel like I was the unreasonable one because he didn't act the same way in the sessions that he did behind closed doors. He could hold it together for 45 minutes, acting like he had no idea why I was so upset and why I didn't "get along better with people." He also got away with playing the innocent victim with our family and friends because I was always so exhausted and stressed out from trying to hold our life together with bubble gum and bailing wire. It was crazy making! I knew what I was experiencing and knew his behavior wasn't acceptable but always ended up questioning my own perceptions and judgment. When we finally found a counselor who explained what was happening, it was like being nearsighted for years and getting my first pair of glasses. I was incredibly relieved. There was hope! But my H was furious. If he accepted the diagnosis, he couldn't blame me for everything anymore and would have to take some responsibility for our problems so he dug himself deeply into denial, refusing to get treatment, and accusing me of "focusing on his non-existent ADHD." I know it takes two to make a relationship work. I also know I should have left years ago. But please tell me how to NOT focus on the 800 pound gorilla in the room when only one partner is willing to do the work, you know you will likely lose everything and everyone because you have been made out to be the villain, and you feel like you have no choice but to keep walking around the big smelly beast.
800 pound gorilla.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I wish I had some good advice for you. What you said in your post hit home for me.
he didn't act the same way in the sessions that he did behind closed doors. He could hold it together for 45 minutes, acting like he had no idea why I was so upset and why I didn't "get along better with people."
That was my ex-husband in a nutshell, and he did NOT have ADHD. He was manipulative and abusive. Everyone thought he was a great guy, but he was a completely different person when we were alone. In addition, when we did go to couples counseling, he manipulated the therapist into thinking he was cool and calm and that I had anger issues, which couldn't have been further from the truth.
oh yes
Submitted by MATTHD on
there's also the fact that it's generally not allowed to send text messages or roll your eyes in the middle of a therapy session (whereas that will definitely happen in a face-to-face conversation)
We were in therapy for a year
Submitted by lgabelis on
We were in therapy for a year and I wish the therapist had leaned into the ADHD side more and the troubles it caused. Maybe she didn't because she didn't want to seem like she was blaming him? I don't know. But I'm realizing now that nearly all the things I feel (neglected, taken for granted, unloved, having to be the parent in the relationship dynamic, etc) are all symptoms of ADHD adult relationships. And I wish I had known that sooner, maybe then we could have tackled his ADHD better or developed better ways to meet my needs with his limitations in mind. Now i'm worried it's too late, I'm just so exhausted....it's taking a toll on my mental state & diminishing my self-confidence, self-love, etc.
Exactly this...
Submitted by janem (not verified) on
Lauren, I totally get it, that feeling of total exhaustion. I was that way when we were seeing the last counselor. I nearly broke it off with my partner because I was just tired of fighting it and feeling that way. When the last counselor said she didn't think ADHD belonged in the conversation, and in addition to that, she said I wasn't "committed enough" for us to go forward, that basically did me in with her. Not committed enough, after all I've been through, and all I've done to understand and accommodate with this?? We were sitting there in front of her, paying her, because we both wanted help figuring out how to make our relationship better. And I was exhausted. My partner and I have agreed that we want to stay together if we can figure out a way to both be happy in this, but if we can't, we don't want to live in an unhappy relationship. If I'm exhausted and unhappy, he probably will be too. In my mind, it's really healthy to recognize that. To agree that we want to figure it out, but if we can't, why trap ourselves into a miserable life. And, it's super common for the neurotypical partner to be exhausted. Which I told the counselor, and she still pushed back on that. I really wanted to say f-you, but I held back. My partner doesn't think I'm not committed enough, and he even defended me when she said that, which I really appreciated. We both agreed she wasn't the person for us.
Anyway, we just met a new counselor whose wife has ADHD. We start with him next week. I'm hopeful about it... and at the same time, I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much. When things are good with us, they're really good. We've had a good week this last week. In one moment, he even got teary eyed (with happiness) since it's been so long that we've had a really good week together. It's almost like he realized that, "Oh! When I manage ADHD, things are so much better for both of us!" But the bottom falls out from under us as soon as he stops managing ADHD symptoms (which he did yesterday, because he thought, "I have a handle on things now, I don't need to use my ADHD systems anymore"... which, of course he does, and it's because of those very systems that things were good), and I get back to that feeling of exhaustion and hopelessness so quickly. I'm hoping the counselor can help me with that part of it, and like you said, ways to meet my needs within his limitations. I think I also need help with boundaries of separating myself from it when stuff comes up, and sticking to boundaries of what is and isn't acceptable in our relationship, so I can redevelop that sense of self-love, self-respect, and self-confidence. We'll see... we're not out of the woods yet, but I'm glad we at least have someone with first-hand experience who can relate.
Glad to hear you had a good
Submitted by lgabelis on
Glad to hear you had a good week and are starting therapy with someone who GETS IT. That would be incredibly stressful to be told you aren't committed enough....my therapist never went quite that far, but it still sucks to feel like you are giving everything and it still feels so HARD (so I can totally relate). And it's great that your partner recognizes that if he manages his ADHD it makes the relationship way better....I think my partner hasn't fully let that click, maybe it would help if he did - although he does think the relationship failing is his fault (I would never blame him in that way, but more put it: "I"m not sure I'm the right person to handle your specific needs without getting hurt in the process")
Good luck with therapy and rooting for you!!! <3