Hi all...I just wanted to say that things are going well....I've been experiencing great peace for the most part....My wife approached me about a month or so ago...She looked me in the eyes (like she has never done before) and told me that she knows she needs to change, and that she was making changes...She's been much more aware and in control of her emotions (work in progress of course)...The main thing is she is taking ownership a little better, and that denial/blame attitude has subsided quiet a bit....Praise the Lord!...The conflict has subsided due to acceptance...She knows I don't trust her, and it's obvious that hurts her, but, I think she has finally realized her life style has caused it...
I'm 63 and I am a very blessed man!...At some point I've had to come to realize this marriage relationship is about much more than my happiness...I have happy and healthy children, step children, grandchildren, and they all love my wife, and she loves them....It could be a lot worse!....By God's grace I have learned how to set boundaries and stick to them...The more those boundaries are calmly enforced, the clearer the picture of what needs to change becomes....
Blessings to all
c
Thanking you c ur self
Submitted by Desparate-Exhausted on
First of all, your testimony here deserves a big attaboy! Not sure why nobody responded but I see the good fruit in it and need to see that right about now. I can tell you have done the work and with patience, you are seeing results. I have been snipping various paragraphs and phrasings from things you and others here have said and I'm looking everything over. I have alot on my heart that needs to come out and sorting out what to say, how to say it, best timing and all that. I believe this is going to take an extra measure of careful discernment. (When to be honest, I just want to go running down the street screaming and not do any of this hard work!.)
ok here is something you said that I think deserves an encore. It helps me and I'm sure many others. You posted this:
My advice is simple (years of trying) do not allow yourself to THINK, FEEL OR BEHAVE like he is capable of doing or being any differently than he his now....
One sure thing about life is, we get what we see....When you are able to accept it's not going to change, you will start making great strides in your life and recovery...(Yes, recovery)...If you stay, "think physical, mental and emotional wellness for yourself"....think, 'do not place trust in places you know you cannot"...****Think boundaries!!**** that must be placed, for day to day survival for you and your child....Most responsible adults eventually learn (in our situations) we have to dump our wants, and emotions (as it relates to our marriage relationship) in order to find sanity, and a workable life style....
You are so (like many of us) overwhelmed by the reality of his living of life, it has froze you!...You are locked in the hopelessness of the dysfunction...Accept it!....****Me, or you, hating it, want change it!****...Stop trying to mange his life at the cost of your own....(That's control, and it gives him an out, Blame!)...
We can save ourselves a lot of stress and time, if we own up to two things right off...1) We are all human, and we all have to see our own selves, our own issues, and own those before we can gain any ground...We change from the daily pressure I mentioned...Some of the ways we deal with the pressure is...Our own denial....Mothering and enabling....Anger and/or bitterness....withdrawal....to name a few that is common....And being human we have our own trials and temptations to fight, that hasn't anything to do w/our spouses....Just saying here, we have to be positive, constructive and fearless to start making changes...These changes are all about us, because as you know if we could change others, we wouldn't be here...."
"Stop trying to manage his life at the cost of your own...."
ok that deserves a BAM!
Thank you c for sharing your joys and sorrows, I really appreciate it.
D & E
Wonderful!
Submitted by Exhausted44 on
This is great news! So glad things are moving positively for you. I have used some of your advice and set some boundaries and IT FEELS SO GOOD. Like I am freeing myself I guess? He for the most part has responded positively. This may be due in part to our church selecting new deacons at the moment so he is on his "good behavior ". If they come and ask me about our marriage I have no idea what I'm going to say. But I am taking baby steps and my mental health is getting priority for a change. :)
So glad to here that Keri...
Submitted by c ur self on
I really can't attribute the changes in myself, and my wife to anything we have done differently... I just count it as a huge blessing from our loving heavenly Father...I've finally realized any verbal reaction (negative or positive) that I would have to certain behaviors, habits, etc., that I see as wrong, immature, hurtful to her, me, or the relationship, was most always a hindrance to our peace, and our growth and trust...I really can't put it into words, it's just true acceptance!...It's the only way to live with her... If I attempt to point out, or counsel her about her chaotic life style, it just depresses her, and she feels beat down, and useless... If I run interference for her, or make excuse for her, she leans on that like an invalid...But if I just step away (boundary) and allow her to face the music of who she is, and her choices, then I have a much more peaceful life, we both do... The BIG thing here for me is, to never allow myself to (my thinking) feel victimized based on the simple realities that will always be there, because of the mind she is subject to....Its difficult, I have to speak to myself from time to time when things have been going smoothly, then Bam!:)... I have a daily calendar message that reminds me to "Expect anything, but never react"...My wife has felt that love, it has made her more aware of her behaviors and it's caused an attraction toward me that has been nice :)....Thanks for ur sweet post, and be at peace dear friend... Sending Prayers your way...
c