Fellow ADDers, I would appreciate some unbiased comments about my situation. thank you.
I am a male with ADD, severe, had a very difficult life in the school and work world. Suffered, lost jobs, lost money the list is long and ugly. The good news is that when my troubles were at their worst and simply unbearable (I was surviving on meds, alcohol and pot) I found out about my ADD alone at the age of bloody 38.
One of those better late than never situations, i was in rock bottom big time. Paralyzed most of the time, unable to do the minimum to survive. Being married and to be honest not being sure if I made the right choice of wife as my ADD was slamming me against walls. We had a kid and then things started going horribly bad. My wife who was the sweetest thing after holiday candy for
years became a totally different person i could not recognize. During my most painful, hopeless days where depression and daily disasters were common i used to beg her to talk to me for 10 mins a week, just that, as I do not have many friends in this city and
she was the only person i could talk to. Wanted to talk about us, how we can come out of the mess we are in as a couple, finances. Basically teaming up to overcome an ugly horrible mess we were in. She had her problems and she never said to herself this guy is suffering, let me give him something just because he is the father of my kid. This was after many requests, she was stone cold and it scared me and she said everytime you sort yourself.
I realize that there was a lot resentment because of my laziness etc.... around the house but repeatedly denying somebody the minimum while this person is in real trouble. When her parents or her friends had issues she was very compassionate, when it came to me she treated me like a dead rat. I did not have energy to confront her much, I was weak and struggling.
This kept on for a good two yesr, not allowed to talk to her and sex being a rare occurence and i needed it badly in those days. Things got worse, every time she had to choose between me and friends i was not given the most basic respect, me and a statue were the same. This was even when i was right, it did not matter nothing came between her friends and family.
My condition did not matter. Things reached a point that was bad with constant arguing and she always sticking to what suits her not what suits us. In the end she said she wanted out, separation. After being reluctant to go there for the kid I had to tell her through email as i could not speak to her that I was starting the separation steps which is what she wanted.
Now she chickened out but i said enough is enough, a gang member would have more compassion than her. Stone cold no matter what. I said this woman is dangerous, I am really worried that if i have a heart attack she will not bother with CPR, I lived in a war zone for years and have not seen such cruelty between people who have things in common.
After a long time unemployed, I got a job and it was like my window to freedom, I focused on it and while i needed some time to start making decent money she had already registered for a full time course meanin she could not work anymore not that her work paid anything half decent. I was not involved and it was what it was.
Inspite of the stories i have heard about couples with ADD, this is a level of cruelty i cannot cope with. she has no conscience and no feeling day in day out over years. She is a good mom and housewife but I do not count even if I am on my deathbed. I got a book about ADD relations, she did not bother to read much citing lack of hope. I tried couselling, talking and she said no, you sort yourself. She is not willing to do anything to help our relationship, zero no matter how much i beg.
I cannot take this and as bad as my ADD was, i say was because i am medicated now and improving and doing well at work in a very long time, i am building self esteem brick by brick. Zero credit for having discovered my disease on my own, 100%. People in my support group see me as a little hero given how much i did alone to get better.
Does she have the right to do this? do i deserve this? total irrelevance and her shouting from the bottom of her gut that she hates me and hates me and hates.
In order to not have a vein rupture somewhere in my brain from all the heavy burdens most human will never experience or know that they exist, i need to get away from this. I dont think this is normal, whatever my disease and specially that i go to the bottom of it with treatment. It was a difficult journey, very difficult and now i was hoping to get a little reward and support which would be normalcy and having a human next to me. I came close to suicide but kept the faith thinking of my parents and son.
Help, thank you. I hope all you guys are doing good. this disease eventough ridiculed by some can kill your soul and you if left as is.
all the praise to my meds that simply are why i can go on, you guys know what I mean.
thank you all
to ADDbuster
Submitted by Steph on
You wanted comments so here goes:
Some things to think about objectively:
How long did your wife need something from you and not get it before you finally hit rock bottom and realized the impact your ADD had on your marriage? And why would she feel obligated to be there for you when maybe she felt you weren't there for her and your child all those years? Maybe your revelation was way too little way too late? Maybe your support group sees you as a hero, but it sounds like the one who's opinion matters most doesn't see you that way.
Cut your losses, move on and share your progress with whomever is in your life in the future. Your "reward" should be the way you feel about yourself, not how other's feel about you.
Again, all said with utmost respect.
thank you Steph. maybe you
Submitted by ADDbuster on
thank you Steph. maybe you are right i did things without realizing. i never did anything on purpose, i admit I did not help with chores. but she never asked and never asked me anything i said no to. she never said yes for a chance to get things better. i always listened to her problems and i admitted my problems.
she matters but i dont think she has the right to go to these extremes without giving it a chance. she keeps on mentioning the 1st 3 months of the baby's birth when i did not help and it was 3.5 years ago.
i take care of the kid alone many weekends when she works and she does not want to talk its been years. maybe i am crazy but somebody who suffers so much and his wife could not care at all then i does not add up. every problem can have a solution and i am guilty and she should be less cruel. her friends have done many offensive things to me really disrespected me and when i told her the details she did not give me 1 gr of credibility. i never have a point even if she is a witness.
i dont know but i offered counselling 2 years ago before my diagnosis and it was no. i realize she is mad but at the same refusing for years to make things better does not mean she is right.
ADD is ugly but i know wives who had the same things but ended up helping by researching and writing books to help others. some have divorced but most before a diagnosis.
lawyers will have some work to do for us.
thanks.......
Addbuster
Submitted by Steph on
I would imagine that you did a lot of things that had a pretty significant impact on your wife that you didn't even realize. I heard this a million times from my husband. I did tell him how I was feeling, I did tell him what impact his actions have on our children and us as a couple, I did tell him what I needed from him....and all pretty clearly too. And many times! BUT he never heard me until I left and took our children with me. He claimed that he was totally blindsided and he didn't see it coming!
My advice to you is: let her go. Take the high road if you feel its going to get ugly. Prove to her that you have changed. You will be proud of yourself for it!
All my best~
ps- the things she is complaining about may seem trivial to you, but remember they were major to her. For example-by saying the above line about how she is holding a grudge re:caring for your newborn many years ago and you were not helping...you are discounting her feelings still!
Well you dedicated 4 lines in
Submitted by ADDbuster on
I really feel you are genuine
Submitted by Steph on
I really feel you are genuine in your wanting to improve so I am going to be honest with you again. My point was that even though I did those things he claims that I never did. I even did it in front our our marriage counselor once and he confirmed this to my husband and my husband still didn't believe it! That was really frustrating for me. He wouldn't attend to things until it was a state of emergency.
BTW, he has been on meds. It takes so much more than just taking pills to help ADD improve. And "really trying hard" doesn't cut it for most spouses of ADDers. We need to see actual RESULTS! One can try all you want and things won't improve. You need to figure out how to make a sustained and substantial actual CHANGE.
Again, all my best~
Scars caused by ADHD actions are very hard to heal
Submitted by Sueann on
I can relate to your comment about "but that was 3.5 years ago" and also to your wife's continuing to obsess about that. My husband lost his job about 6 weeks after we were married and didn't work full-time for over 3 years. He's working now and therefore thinks everything is OK. If I bring up the past, he'll say, like you do "but that was 3 years ago."
But I can't understand the thought processes that went into "my wife has 2 jobs so I don't need to work." He drove me to both jobs because we only had one car and did nothing to support me, didn't even do the dishes. I struggle still with the feeling that he can't possibly love me if he watched me work and did nothing to help. It's like someone falling right in front of you and not helping them get up. And there are still financial consequences for both of us. I had 2 jobs, sure, but they weren't GOOD jobs. Medical conditions, untreated, got worse, finances wrecked. Now, when I crave homeowning like some women crave having a baby, I know it will never happen for us. So every day I am reminded, when a bill collector calls or I pay the car note with 21% interest, of what we've been through. It will never go away, I'll never feel secure.
Maybe your wife feels the same way, like too much damage was done to ever recover. You say she didn't give you anything emotionallly. My guess is that working while taking care of a young child and having to put that child in day care and you not being involved when she needed you exhausted her and she had, and has, nothing left to give you. And it's hard for me to think of you as "a little hero" for treating your ADD. No one thought I was a hero for going to the doctor when I broke my ankle or thought I should just limp the rest of my life instead.
I don't know what the answer is. I'm still with my husband right now, but when I finish school and get a job with my own insurance, I'm not sure. But it feels like he's a roommate and not a husband. I know he wouldn't put himself out if I needed him so I don't feel like we have a real marriage.
Sounds familiar
Submitted by Clarity on
You might have a lot in common with Dan
http://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/adhd-explained-simple-logical-way
How to get on the same page?
Submitted by Rosem1111 on
After something that my husband did on Mother's Day & reading this topic, I'm wondering how can an ADD person and his or her partner get to agree about something. And is it possible?
My ADD (untreated) husband got up early on Mother's day and didn't come into the house till midday. But our big kids turned up and said hello and gave me kisses, hugs & presents.
The youngest daughter was still home when my husband came inside. His first words of the day to me were that he was taking her to lunch. There was no "Happy Mother's Day", let alone a hug,kiss or gift.
I said I'd come too, simply thinking that'd be nice. He replied that I wouldn't like it there as the music was loud. I said ok then. But, as they were about to leave, I realised I felt hurt & left out & I said so, saying also that shouldn't I be taken to lunch on Mother's Day.
My husband made his typical, very annoyed noise and turned around & walked out, 18 yr old daughter following.
I was extremely upset by this.
When he came home, he said "I'm having a nap. Wake me at 5 (pm)".
I feel gutted. I am wondering how to get over this distress. My husband acts as if nothing happened. I did try to talk about it but, as usual, he flicked me away (dismissed me) and acted angry at being interrupted.
If I had the means, I'd be gone. And I'm sure he'd blame me if I did.
Oh, and he never did wish me a happy mother's day. No present either. I kinda felt I had done something wrong, but the day before went fine.
I am not whinging or complaining. I feel really grief stricken. This may be the straw that broke the camel's back.
Maybe it is just a doomed hope, thinking an ADD person can get it? Or is this just some ADD people, the "bad" ones (mentioned in Melissa's article)? ....what does "bad" mean?
same page
Submitted by newfdogswife on
Don't feel bad, Rosem1111. I never get a "Happy Mother's Day", card or gift. In fact I asked my husband why a long time ago and his reply was " I'm not his mother".
Our Behaviour gets Consequences
Submitted by Rosem1111 on
You sound very sorry for yourself & blaming. Fact?
I think you need to put that outlook behind you and focus on looking at your behaviour and how it affects other people. Forget the judgments.
If somebody doesn't like something, they don't like it. Full stop/cut. If they like something, they like it. Full stop/cut.
Concerning you, a person gets a list of likes and a list of doesn't like. Dislikes cause trouble. Likes bring joy & attraction. If the dislikes outweigh the likes, the relationship is in trouble. If there are bad dislikes in there, boy, you've had it. Complaining, blaming & feeling sorry for yourself are irrelevant. They are just mental crap. Focus on the behaviour & you'll get things getting more of what you want. Plan your behaviour so you get what you want. But plan well or you'll get turned against as a phony.
A person gives sex, unless he or she has a problem, because they either want enjoyable sex or intimacy. Were you offering either & without bad stuff & with enough good stuff.
I don't know this lady. She could have problems. But I kinda got the impression you think you deserve a free lunch. There is no such thing as a free lunch. What are you prepared to pay?
well well
Submitted by ADDbuster on
the more i get to these forums to more i feel misunderstood and the more confused i get.
I am somebody who is aware that he had a messed up, lazy, insensitive attitude in some areas. However for the first time this year I did not do the mother's day thing as I was not feeling well. I was dazed as my medications finished, I am not justifying myself.
At the same time I do feel that people understand what is it to have this mess called ADD, only ADD people know really. I do not blame others as this is really too complex and ugly.
What happened happened, during my worst days when i got laid off in a recession she would not talk to me for 10 mins as my wife and partner and so many other instances. Now I dont care if there is ADD or whatever if you living with someone there is a minimum you have to do. I do think communicating with your partner is not a big favor at all, if there is resentment fine i agree but the fact that the guy went so far to help himseld while seeing plenty of wives dragging their husbands to Drs ect.... deserves a tiny bit of recongnition, just a tiny bit. also when the husband buys the wife a book about ADD relationships and she does not want to read, well.
In the end all being said if a person is sick and suffering immensly and a partner who also suffered and got resentful (typical scenario) because of that does not want to know what the fixable problem was and does not want to read a book that can explain it all written by a wife with an ADD husband. Then she wants out whatever the deal, she does not love me enough to try to overcome all the bad now that there is genuine hope. You expect a guy like me to isolate himself and gradually have his soul die and asks for a chat with his wife who tells him screw you i am resentful, I dont give a shit sorry i just dont.
we can talk a lot about this but in the end you have two choices either you stick to it and try to gradually forget your resentment and hatred believing your man is doing things in good faith and working on a solution or you get the hell out and live and let live.
It is not allowed to be part of a lets say team that is doing badly and say i dont care these are stupid people i am staying on the bench. You dont want to help, then help yourself.
As much as i admit that having an ADD partner is bad and horrible at times if the guy is willing to do all the effort in the world to change, take meds and he need his wifes sort of advice or guidance in areas that have been neglected. well that is normal for anybody who want to make things better, what the hell a wife is for then. To housekeep and sip lattes at starbucks only? what the hell?
All this resentment at this stage is bull shit that can be slowly reversed because the guy is trying and he did not mean anything bad ever.
He is sick, period. And about the free lunch now that really shocked me, me who is taking heavy meds and trying to reprogram his brain after so many years and who has lost so much and who has hurt his wife unknowingly but admits he was in the wrong and want to go forward with the help of his partner. If he is having a free lunch then this world is way too f****d-up to my understanding. It seems the sick has to help the healthy and the healthy should say to the sick, you hurt me over the years and now screw you. Resentment builds over time and is very powerful as a result but there has to be a will to get over it, people need a smile once a month to encourage them to keep going.
One guy who divorced because of his ADD and is now remarried to a woman who understands and cares, said to me. You have to find the woman who truly loves you, its the only way difficult things can be overcome.
Its about true love, that rare thing we are all looking for and that ironically we are all looking for the exact same thing but fail to find it. Here come the dogs....... they do a better job.
Kind Regards,
ADDBuster I believe you are sincere
Submitted by Aspen on
and I believe you are confused and I believe you don't know exactly what to do right now. I sympathize with you...sincerely sincerely sympathize with you. I even agree that you only basically have 2 choices: you either work together as a team and improve this relationship or you walk away and give you each a shot at happiness with someone else. I believe in marriage and would never divorce for anything but the gravest of reasons. I have no idea whether or not you have crossed any of those boundaries for your wife, or if she has any interest in continuing a marriage with you or not. Have you ever talked about why you are still together? It sounds like things were definitely at the point where a lot of women would have left. I think it could be really important for you to learn why she has stayed so far.
It sounds like you had some VERY dark times!! It sounds that neither of you understands the other's point of view at all. She has to get educated about ADD in order to understand you and your behavior in order to take your behavior less personally, but you also have to try to see outside of your ADD tunnel vision and realize that most people (and especially your wife) do not think or see things in the way that you do. For example, only an ADD person could have the attitude "She keeps talking about how I left her alone to care for a healing body and newborn baby entirely by herself for months and months, but that was 3 YEARS AGO and she should let it go already. I was sick." You would never bring up an issue 3.5 years after the fact (quite frankly because you probably wouldn't remember it). Dr Hallowell says ADD people think in the *now* and the *not now* and since this event that she is so hurt over occurred 3.5 years ago and is definitely *not now* you see no point in dealing with it.
You need to understand that people without ADD do not see time in the same way. When I have been hurt by my husband I STAY hurt until he says or does what it takes to make me believe that he understands the exact hurt that he caused, that he never meant to do that since he values me too much to hurt me deliberately, and that because he has such a good understanding now of what happened that a similar situation is very unlikely to occur. This is difficult for a person with ADD because as soon as the event is over they move past it and want everyone to forgive--and most especially forget. My ADD husband has had to come to understand that I don't work that way, and I am not beating a dead horse by insisting that we discuss the issue until we both understand what happened. He'd RATHER forget it all and let it go and sweept it aside, but since that is not the way it works for me, we have to compromise. What you did was SERIOUSLY HURTFUL. The way you stated it here as 'yes I did this but it was a long time ago' does not demonstrate any real world understanding of what your wife went through and how you should have acted at that time verses how you did act. Based on what you have written here, I'd probably still be bringing it up too because until I understood how you could EVER treat me in such a way and claim to love me, I would not be able to get over it.
I believe you are genuinely sorry for the ways your wife has been hurt, but if you are trying to talk to her at all in the way you are posting here, I seriously doubt it is coming across to her as anything but "I hurt you but I didn't mean it so please get over it. I am ready to work on this now." You have to keep in mind she might have been ready to work on this for 2 years or 3 years or 5 years or however many years, and the only way to cope in that situation when your husband won't work with you is to shut down and protect yourself. She isn't ready right now, but she is still there, so I think that she could get ready again once she believes there is hope for real change. I think you two need some professional counselling to help you both develop that hope and the willingness to forgive because NOW you have real reason to believe that things will be different. Right now she doesn't believe that.
I believe any marriage can be saved with a genuine desire to work on it coming from both sides. You sound like you are genuinely working on your ADD, and genuinely want to keep your marriage, but you do not sound like you have any understanding of your ADD and your actions and how they have impacted your wife. From what you have written here, she does not understand ADD at all and thus thinks that the things you did had to be deliberate or you wouldn't have kept doing them after she kept trying to get you to stop in whatever ways she tried (many that you may not have noticed.)
Also I will tell you what I tell all ADD mates, including my own regularly, the *yes I did hurtful things but I see other people putting up with way worse, so you should appreciate me for that at least* is just about the worst thing you could say to someone you have just hurt. It comes across as *you should be really grateful that I am not the worst man we've ever come in contact with* and pretty much spawns frustration. No woman is looking for a husband whose main claim to fame is that he isn't the worst one we know, so comparing yourself favorably to creeps at that moment is a good way to shut us down completely.
Wishing you all the best.
Aspen, your response was better than anything I could say
Submitted by Sueann on
I wish I was half as good at expressing myself as you are. You really captured the way the hurt non-ADD spouse feels. Thank you for that.
I wish my husband could understand as well as you do.
well
Submitted by ADDbuster on
Ok this is veering towards something unexpected, weird very weird, unbelievable to even the people living it.Ladies and gents you have a certain percentage of this world, estimates say 4.5% of humans (250-300 million people) are day in day out including Christmas and New Year and labour days, being odd, unpleasant, hurtful, non caring, cold, indifferent, loose wives and kids they
love, loose job after job not having any idea why, keep on lowering their expectations, loose friends, overspend, get in debt, be thought of as slow, a bit dumb, stupid, one of those that are not meant to get too far, poor, alcoholics, heavy drugies, gamblers (estimate 40% of gamblers are ADHD, OCD), prone to suicide and the list goes on. Now you have very successful people with this,
but reasearch has shown that they were not as heavy as many of the people talked about here are and they are a tiny exception with super brains that have the ability to compensate the mess.
This is unbelievable because the person who is sick has no clue about most of these, and this person can be a smart adult who is successful in some areas of life. He knows how to talk to his boss (who might think he is limited but good for the moment) but a lot of the time he is doing things that are irritating the hell out of people while he thinks they are irritating him. I do not want to
dwell too long but this is so, so f***ked up and sick and crazy that no wonder nobody gets it, including a good half of psychiatrists in North America with big diplomas on the wall. An adult with ADD walks in a clinic as he feels suicidal or extremely anxious and he is given an anti-pressant that makes him feel a bit better but nowhere close to where 95.5% are, while he needs
Adderal to fix most problems at once and prevent them. This is in 2010 where many cancers are curable aids does not kiil anymore with drugs. I think this exceeds Mr. Cameron's imagination in movies.
Now a lot of people can say, oh i was horrible to this or that person and had no clue does it mean i am ADD? this ADD is BS.
the difference is that you can have the flu for a few days and say I had it too to a person who had it 24/7 for decades and cannot tell the difference between having anything, in this case the flu, and not having it because he always had the flu. If you grew up a few hundred years ago with myopia you had from a very early age, you would not think something was wrong daily, you would
cope with it somehow by relying on others to know what is far away etc......like many millions of people did for many millenias. Then you hear that somebody who was like you started seeing and not relying on others with glasses. You get them and your world changes so fast that you need a long time coping with a normality you never knew existed and you have a hard time trying
to scale back the inneficient way your brain has been trying to compensate. Then you look back and understand why you fell here and there and got lost daily, hundreds of scenarios go through your head, disasters, non recoverable losses you could have very easily avoided if you had those glasses. Its ingrained too deep in a person system, it becomes part of him like 5 fingers on a hand are. He doesnt notice them but uses them all the time.
Having said all this not all problem between couples are due to this, if a partner is being very unreasonable and a bitch hungry for power then...... welcome to human nature.
bedtime story:
two people are playing a game that each one sees differently and with different rules. both thinkthey are right but one is wrong at least a lot of the time. The other cannot understand how a person who sees his way to the toilet cannot see the game and the rules the way she does and everybody she knows does and the peron who is sick cannot understand why she is not playing by the rules! that are obvious and make sense. now whoever came up with this one deserves an Oscar.
well
Submitted by ADDbuster on
Ok this is veering towards something unexpected, weird very weird, unbelievable to even the people living it.Ladies and gents you have a certain percentage of this world, estimates say 4.5% of humans (250-300 million people) are day in day out including Christmas and New Year and labour days, being odd, unpleasant, hurtful, non caring, cold, indifferent, loose wives and kids they
love, loose job after job not having any idea why, keep on lowering their expectations, loose friends, overspend, get in debt, be thought of as slow, a bit dumb, stupid, one of those that are not meant to get too far, poor, alcoholics, heavy drugies, gamblers (estimate 40% of gamblers are ADHD, OCD), prone to suicide and the list goes on. Now you have very successful people with this,
but reasearch has shown that they were not as heavy as many of the people talked about here are and they are a tiny exception with super brains that have the ability to compensate the mess.
This is unbelievable because the person who is sick has no clue about most of these, and this person can be a smart adult who is successful in some areas of life. He knows how to talk to his boss (who might think he is limited but good for the moment) but a lot of the time he is doing things that are irritating the hell out of people while he thinks they are irritating him. I do not want to
dwell too long but this is so, so f***ked up and sick and crazy that no wonder nobody gets it, including a good half of psychiatrists in North America with big diplomas on the wall. An adult with ADD walks in a clinic as he feels suicidal or extremely anxious and he is given an anti-pressant that makes him feel a bit better but nowhere close to where 95.5% are, while he needs
Adderal to fix most problems at once and prevent them. This is in 2010 where many cancers are curable aids does not kiil anymore with drugs. I think this exceeds Mr. Cameron's imagination in movies.
Now a lot of people can say, oh i was horrible to this or that person and had no clue does it mean i am ADD? this ADD is BS.
the difference is that you can have the flu for a few days and say I had it too to a person who had it 24/7 for decades and cannot tell the difference between having anything, in this case the flu, and not having it because he always had the flu. If you grew up a few hundred years ago with myopia you had from a very early age, you would not think something was wrong daily, you would
cope with it somehow by relying on others to know what is far away etc......like many millions of people did for many millenias. Then you hear that somebody who was like you started seeing and not relying on others with glasses. You get them and your world changes so fast that you need a long time coping with a normality you never knew existed and you have a hard time trying
to scale back the inneficient way your brain has been trying to compensate. Then you look back and understand why you fell here and there and got lost daily, hundreds of scenarios go through your head, disasters, non recoverable losses you could have very easily avoided if you had those glasses. Its ingrained too deep in a person system, it becomes part of him like 5 fingers on a hand are. He doesnt notice them but uses them all the time.
Having said all this not all problem between couples are due to this, if a partner is being very unreasonable and a bitch hungry for power then...... welcome to human nature.
bedtime story:
two people are playing a game that each one sees differently and with different rules. both thinkthey are right but one is wrong at least a lot of the time. The other cannot understand how a person who sees his way to the toilet cannot see the game and the rules the way she does and everybody she knows does and the peron who is sick cannot understand why she is not playing by the rules! that are obvious and make sense. now whoever came up with this one deserves an Oscar.
last words
Submitted by ADDbuster on
sorry but one more thing. people with ADD can have a tough time with money, they are unemployed for a long time....etc.... now here I come I went through hell whatever that means to many and ended up diagnosed and treated for this mess. But I am heavily in debt, as I could not work for a long time. I tell my wife this is depressing me, sometimes I am freaking out, can I talk to you for
10 mins about this big problem. I spent the money on our bills, I dont want money just to have one human being in this case the woman i live with and the mother of my kid feel with me a tiny bit. Listen to how i got there and what am planning to do to get out, maybe she can give me some ideas tell me dont worry we will find a way out... something............ maybe i am an idealist and crazy
and messed up in the head. But if a wife cannot be there for her husband once in a very long time to encourage him and support him so he will keep on going then screw marriage and the whole institution. I get calls from all kinds of people for payments and I just want somebody warm blooded to give a crap and try to help a guy who got in debt partly because he want to pay his family's bills.
Now as coucou as i am if somebody thinks i am asking too much as a husband then i will divorce and never marry again because i will have no respect for women and will find them useless but for reproduction. I do not want to need them if they will see their husband agonizing and not bother to lift a finger.
You can label me whatever you like but this is not human, gorillas in the wild are nicer to each other. I cant believe the wife is always right even if commits close to murder, just because she is a woman? I am tired and frustrated but I dont think i am that crazy.
sorry for the ranting....
ADDbuster, think of it this
Submitted by Sparkle on
ADDbuster, think of it this way. Your marriage has two people, ideally equal partners.
Your wife has by your account been through a lot of pain of her own while married to you. You've run up debt, you were I can only assume addicted to drugs and alcohol, you let her support the family financially, you let her down when she gave birth to your child and was the most vulnerable a woman can possibly be: biologically, physically, socially, financially and emotionally vulnerable - and her husband wasn't there to support her.
Then you hit your own vulnerable place with ADD and discovered there was an underlying problem in your life. This same wife that experienced all of those things in the last paragraph was then asked to drop her hurt, resentment, fear and despair to comfort you in your time of need. You're upset that she didn't do this for you. You're upset that she didn't try to learn about the ADD mind.
I guess my first question is: what work have you done to try to understand the non-ADD mind? Have you tried to look at things strictly from your wife's point of view, the way you're asking her to do for you? Can you put yourself and your needs aside for a little while, maybe while you're on medication, and try to see through your wife's eyes? Think about all the resentment you feel for reaching out for a spouse and having them turn their back on you - and understand you did THE SAME THING to her. She felt for years what you're feeling right now.
And look at what you wrote:
Now as coucou as i am if somebody thinks i am asking too much as a husband then i will divorce and never marry again because i will have no respect for women and will find them useless but for reproduction. I do not want to need them if they will see their husband agonizing and not bother to lift a finger.
You are saying that because she won't give you what you need, you are starting to feel bitter and you feel like you want to reject her because her actions have hurt you so badly.
Can you understand that this is probably EXACTLY how she feels about you? That she has become equally coucou and does not want to need you if you have sat there watching her agonizing and didn't bother to lift a finger for her in her time of need?
My second question is: what are you willing to do to understand that a person whose mind works differently than yours needs to revisit hurtful moments of the past to understand why they happened, to hear that you're sorry, to see that things could be different and to learn from them? If you'd like her to read the ADD book, are you willing to delve into the way her mind works as well? Perhaps read a book on how ADD affects marriages, and work to understand how the non-ADD partner feels and what their special needs are?
I have a partner with ADD and I've read the book, so from a non-ADD perspective I will tell you that it does explain a lot that is hurtful and frustrating. And in that sense it is a relief. Your wife would recognize a lot of her frustrations in the book and would understand you better. But it will not change everything. There has to be effort after this discovery - from both ends, hers and yours. If you both are still willing to try.
I think it would be beneficial to you to start making a habit of asking yourself, each time you want something from your wife, "How can I give my wife what I'm asking her to give me?" Maybe this will start a trend of showing her that you're aware of her needs and ease some of her fears about doing yet more for you in the marriage and have it unreciprocated. Reciprocate.
great reply
Submitted by brendab on
Think about all the resentment you feel for reaching out for a spouse and having them turn their back on you - and understand you did THE SAME THING to her. She felt for years what you're feeling right now.
This is so powerful--I am not ADD but we can all learn from this statement. Too often we get very self centered, very self righteous, very protective and demanding. Oh, if we could only find ourselves doing what you suggest.
If you'd like her to read the ADD book, are you willing to delve into the way her mind works as well? Perhaps read a book on how ADD affects marriages, and work to understand how the non-ADD partner feels and what their special needs are?
this question is also very powerful. Take my eyes off myself and try to see life as the other sees it. Be the one who takes this step regardless of what the other person does/doesn't do. It opens your mind to other possibilities. I am going to have to recheck my source, but I read a comment that the nonADD person has a section in their brain that tends towards rigidness. They get wrapped up in expectations and if these expectations aren't met, this section of their brain doesn't handle it well at all and the emotions are flooded. I wish I could remember the details, but I totally related to that concept.
Does anyone know of any nonADD brain research?
Brenda
Inerita dude
Submitted by Aspen on
This is aspen's husband.
I have read this thread because my wife asked for my thoughts a bit while she has been responding to your posts. I can understand where you are coming from. I can see that you feel like everyone is siding with your wife, that no matter what, if it's guy vs. girl, girl always wins.
We had quite a few problems until I was diagnosed ADD. Even afterwards we still have rough patches once ina while, there is hurt there that at times still comes out. I wonder at those times why she just hasn't let it go already, its years ago. Here is what I have come up with and I hope it helps.
It's Inertia... It's like all the problems that occurred because of ADD are a rocket launched into space. Through all this time it has reached a speed of 10,000 MPH. Now you realize what has happened, that you are 180 deg. off course, and you need to turn around. This rocket has no ability to turn so you are stuck moving forward or back. Eventually over a period of time, you can reach 0 MPH and then start to reverse direction.
This is how things are in your marriage right now. She can't stop on a dime, it's going to take time to reverse the direction things have been going. Patience is key, and understanding, and knowing that you may not get what you need from her until she is ready to give it.
I am sorry if you feel like this is taking her side, but in this sides don't matter. It is a matter between the two of you, everyones dynamic is different, and you just have to dissect your relationship with your wife and start the healing process.
That's my two cents, hope it helps
Hubby of Aspen
Do Over!
Submitted by Nettie on
Don't you just want to shout "Do Over!" and clear the decks sometimes? My ADHD brain is over capacity with all these posts, so if you are living it all, it's definitely overwhelming.
Kudos for the work you've done. Now, don't slip too far into the ADHD trait of black and white thinking, for example, that your wife is a total tyrant or you are a super hero.
Also, yes, you may feel terrible about things you've done and the way you are treated, but don't let those feelings of PAST experiences distract you from continuing all that fabulous work you've accomplished and need to continue.
Your wife may be depressed and/or just worn out. I'm also the spouse of an ADHDer, so I can relate! But, it's up to her to clear her own path. Yes, marriage is a partnership, but you can't do all her work for her. You wrote she's taking classes. Maybe she has started that new path. Be sure to express appreciation of her efforts. And, after years of deprivation, she may need extra praise and support, so pour it on, but in a genuine way.
You also deserve respect, affection and praise, but as other people have written, it sometimes takes people a lot of work to move away from the hurt and habitual negative behavior, no matter how much pain one causes. I can't recall if someone else wrote this, but writing of black and white, divorce isn't the only option. As you may have seen on this thread and others, sometimes a separation helps so that you aren't overwhelmed by two people's problems when you both have lots of your own work.
I'm not advising separation; I'm just pointing out that you don't have to just "move on" as there are multiple things you could try.
I'm glad you are self-advocating for decent treatment. Remember that "love is a verb" and to keep loving yourself and your family, and maybe you'll see some changes in your wife and most importantly in yourself.
Man, I've used the word "work" a lot. I need an extra-chocolately mocha! Self-care, and all ;)
How Do You Reply To This Post...
Submitted by hopeless in hawaii on
I really don't know where to start. It's been awhile since I've been on here, and the first post on the list is yours ADDbuster. I don't mean to be rude, but you really got me spinning on the scattered points of view on what you were trying to get across. Really, to sum it all up in my opinion, is that life is probably not going the way you'd like it to. I think that if you can grasp, accept, and fully understand ADD, then your views on it won't seem so bitter and hostile, thus you can move forward in life.
Hope you can try to turn it around, and shift your aggression into something more positive. By your post, it shows that you pretty much don't want to better your situation with the ADD. Yes its true that back in the day, we all got by with things that weren't diagnosed and invented that we have now, but through scientific breakthrough and technology today, we are in a time where these things BETTER the quality of our lives. Why would you want to rely on someone to tell you where you were going if you can simply just put on your own pair of glasses, or walk around with a kerosene lamp when you can easily turn on a light switch. Be thankful and take advantage of options that you do have now. From your post, it seems like you're only focused on what you think, and how you feel. Think about others too, especially your loved ones, and how you can also better the quality of their lives...reciprocate what is being done for you. All you gotta do is...put on a pair of glasses...Hope your day gets better! Oh yea...and I think by you comparing ADD to the flu is taking it a little lightly, don't you think? I think all us non-ADD/HD'ers would love to compare it to that! At least the flu eventually goes away in a few days, and doesn't linger on for years!!!
ADDBuster, I don't think you are listening to the advice you
Submitted by Aspen on
asked for :( You say if your wife doesn't give you what you want and that if it's ok with other people that she treat you this way, then you lose all respect for women. Consider how much like a *man* you've acted in this marriage. I'm not saying that you're not trying to turn it around now, but you can't wipe out all of the past with a wave of your hand. You still have to deal with it and settle it BEFORE you can move forward. That is the way it works because you married a human being with the right to her own feelings. You are admitting these feelings are based on some truly terrible behavior from you, but all I'm reading from you is that she better admire you, comfort you, and forgive you....or else. As long as you have that attitude, I am fairly sure you won't be getting any of those things.
Do you see how hurtful it can feel to say "I know I hurt you and ignored you & allowed you to support me and care for our child alone, but I am having a hard time and I need you to comfort me and tell me that things are going to be ok". You are saying you need her to be your soft place to fall for comfort and support, but you are admitting you haven't been that to her. She might not feel she has anything to give you. How have you kept these feelings alive in your marriage? it sounds to me like you didn't, so you have to grow them again before you can expect them to be given to you. You post a lot about what you want and need and nothing about what you give....that doesn't sound much like a partnership :(
Your last two posts just baffled me. Honestly the first one you posted after my response still reads stream of consciousness gibberish. You want to decide what you need from your wife and have her provide it while you are not & have not provided the same care to her. It really doesn't work that way ADDBuster. I think the reason that so many ADD marriages end in divorce is because of not understanding that a diagnosis is not the magic bullet. You still have to go back and fix the damage that you did.
None of us can know what she is thinking and feeling. You are going to have to get to the bottom of those things and find out if what you have is salvagable or you have to end it. I don't know how to help you when I don't feel you listen. I don't think you want to hear anything except that you are married to a cold hearted snake who is treating you unfairly. I don't know if this is true or not, but I know that by your own account of your behavior in this marriage you were fairly coldhearted and treated your wife very unfairly. You have to forgive EACHOTHER if you are going to make it work.
I wish you the best.
p.s. I want to add that it is completely normal to need someone to hold you and say things are going to be ok and to try to find solutions together. THAT IS MARRIAGE ideally, but you are with a woman who doesn't feel able to do this for you because she is too angry and without hope. I'm just saying this doesn't have to kill your marriage because it is possible to get it back to a healthy place, but not overnight and she is likely not going to be holding you and sympathizing with you until it is back at that place.
good intentions are good
Submitted by ADDbuster on
Ok i guess we said what needs to be said many times over. The fact is that this ADD thing is something that quickly puts you in a catch 22 situation. I might be looking at it from my point of view and you people are saying this guy looks like he has a list of requirements and he did not put his wife's well being in the picture. That is easy to conclude.
But what is being ignored is that ADD specially when severe is a very ugly, ambiguous thing, things can get so ugly and messed up that usual logic that applies in society does not apply. what applies to normal society is when both people do not have serious medical issues specially when it comes to the brain. That is why you have counselors specialized in this stuff, other counselors who dont get it can cause disasters while being totally ignorant.
I know couples where one has schizophrenia or severe bi-polar that simply could not last, lucky people without this ugly mess cannot understand it, its like watching hungry people in Africa on TV while sipping a cool drink vs going there in the heat and the bad smells and actually feeding these people. not many are ready.
Now this is a rough analogy, whith the general idea as a matter. everybody has to inderstand that it is not fair even on the wife who has been given multiple reasons over 3 years straight to sit, talk and have some sort of harmony with reality.
You have to understand that the husband who was submerged deeper and deeper in a deep well over the years, who is mentally, financially broken. You have to realize that the wife might resent but the ADDer in this case started to get out of the deep well. He is starting to see the light he never really saw, in some cases its like coming out of a solitary confinement and having been disconnected with reality in many ways for a long time. the mental traumas, and the tough coping periods are things the person needs help with.
You are talking without realizing how much this guy is damaged, he is a bit like a boxer on the 10th round bloodied, exhausted and suddenly the bell rings or the trainer throws the towel. he cannot start to suddenly go and run in the park of life with his kid and wife.
In my case it affected my finances to a degree that i am in deep debt and dont have a decent income yet because of alll the damage. But i will. I need to be pulled out of that deep well partly by my effort, medication for sure and a person who understands that i am starting a new life and i need a little encouragement, somebody to hold my hand to practice walking in some areas and try to be like everybody else.
You have to realize that it is not a choice as right choices come from a healthy brain and in this case my brain has not been healthy for decades. It will take me years to move closer to where i should be, like would be the case of somebody in confinement for years. A part of my brain did not grow the size it should and only time and constant medication can make it better, this is the result of a part of the brain not working the way it should. it is not a choice, like its not a choice for somebody with MS to act normal. its not possible.
Is it tough on the wife, of course. did i come short? of course. but you have to realize that i had a flat tire and if this tire is not sort of fixed for the car to move its not gonna happen. many analogies here....
I cannot think properly of her feelings before i can be sort of healthy mentally and see the the world clearly like I believe my wife should help me do and that needs help for a while. If my finances were better I would be in a better situation mentally but they are not and that is typical.
I am the first to agree that not all wives are made to handle such odd and unusual situations. these is not the run of the mill problem between two people. this is a very specific, dangerous case that is very difficult to understand. and the wife has to understand that before jogging with her husband she needs to walk with him.it can be a huge nightmarish challenge that leads to all the divorces out there. I know people married 3 times because of this, it damages while other think that the couple does not know how to manage themselves.
A short time after this rehab, the husband will be able and actually realize, yes realize what everynbody has been realizing for a long time as their brain's executive part is working by default.
Again whatever the case there has to be this a situation where 1+1 does not equal 2 but much more as you are adding humans with emotions and toughts not apples. Coke is some sweet liquid in a can but in reality it's much more, its a brand that is alive and constently maintained like a relationship should be. there is a non-tangible part in marriage that keeps it alive.
If there is a quality problem with the drink which has happened in the past and it affected the brand negatively, the can and the management cannot say oh this is garbage we need a new formula, it cost us a lot and we are sick of covering things up. they fix it if they want the company to last and make an effort to make sure people know that its fixed.
most books and advice in the marriage world are geared for the masses, there are special cases that go under the carpet.Too many analogies might confuse but at this stage it might be needed.
Conclusion: you need a super wife to deal with something like this and not all can or are willing. this is a very tough, demanding situation. I am willing to do anything to forget my situation for a while and focus on all the missed opportunities and my wife's well-being, that needs will from both sides, and communication.
Its sad that this kind of things exist, affect human very badly and most people out there think its a joke or excuse while leading their nice little lives. while other are in deep, we are too polarized as species. survival of the fittest in action, Darwin was partly right. the world and wives favor the strong and healthy most of the time.
Hope you enjoy this weekend...................and your comments about my wife are valid and I appreciate them. You have to realizi I was paralyzed, at some point a bomb would not let me out of bed. temporary Paralysis is a common thing in ADD. while others think its laziness.
After all the research i did, failures i had, attended lectures by some of the best Drs in NA. I still sometimes think it's not real for a few seconds, as its so weird my system is not equipped to really believe that this is real and bad.
bye for now
You are talking without
Submitted by Sparkle on
You are talking without realizing how much this guy is damaged, he is a bit like a boxer on the 10th round bloodied, exhausted and suddenly the bell rings or the trainer throws the towel. he cannot start to suddenly go and run in the park of life with his kid and wife.
I'm willing to acknowledge that I don't know what it's like to have ADD.
Are you willing to acknwledge that you have no idea what it's like to be married to someone with ADD?
You write without realizing how much your faith in your partner is damaged, how exhausted the ADD partner gets, sometimes to the point of clinical depression, how hard it is to maintain the relationship singel handedly, to live life with the responsibilities of a relationship and few/any of the benefits. It takes a special kind of ADDer to understand the toll they have on their spouse and be willing to fix the damage the disorder/way of thinking has created in their relationship. You need a super-ADD spouse to be willing to help repair the marriage and not all are able or willing. etc.
In other words, take any of your words and understand that your wife is a victim of your ADD as much as you are.
I cannot think properly of her feelings before i can be sort of healthy mentally and see the the world clearly like I believe my wife should help me do and that needs help for a while. If my finances were better I would be in a better situation mentally but they are not and that is typical.
If you cannot think properly of her feelings, why are you surprised your marriage is on the rocks? Seriously. Alcoholism is a disease, too, and perhaps not contollable by the sufferer - but you don't let them behind the wheel of a car, do you? If you can't meet the basic responsibilities of your marriage, then you can hardly be surprised when it disitegrates. While you stand there saying it's not your fault. If that drunk driver hit your child and broke his leg -- and then told you, "I can't help it, and anyway this is a typical consequence of alcoholism!" would your son's leg be any less broken?
I think you should consider marriage counseling with an ADD specialist who can translate both ways - you to wife, wife to you. Now that you've been diagnosed and educated, you should both learn what your capabilities are, what hers are, and if they are compatible with marriage to each other.
ADDbuster
Submitted by Clarity on
I can sense your frustration in your posts. You sound very much like my husband who after too many years I'm afraid was diagnosed and medicated. My ADD husband demanded that I be happy with him and his new found diagnosis. He expects me to embrace the "fact" that he's a new man. But, I'm numb. After years of his verbal abuse, false accusations, neglect and reckless spending that has us buried in debt I have learned to brace myself for the worst. Somehow, this "new man" seems like a dangerous trick and I can't let my guard down. How do I know who I'm dealing with now? I'm exhausted and I can no longer feel anything. I want to feel light hearted and carefree. I want to dream, laugh and love but I can't. Maybe ADD can live in the moment but everyone of my moments refers back to a time of sadness, regret, pain. It's not because I'm a negative person it's because I've experienced negative situations that involve this "new man". Would I go out with a guy who looks like a guy who raped me? Maybe that's a bit dramatic but I'm not strong enough to welcome my abusive ADD husband with open arms because he tells me he's a "new man". He's told me a lot of things...
Now I told my ADD husband if he really is a new man he will continue to do the right thing and allow me the necessary time to deal with it. I don't really trust anything or anyone anymore.
same here!
Submitted by newfdogswife on
same here!
living with ADD being called a dumb ass all my life
Submitted by robin berry on
They found out i had ADD at 5 years old. i was in resource math english and reading classes and speech from grade 1st -12 about 5th grade is i started getting picked on i was slap spit on had a kid write kick my ass on the back of my leather jacket i had 3 friends and that is all my devorce when i was 4 my sister was 6 my step mother was going around telling i was a retard it would upset my mother my mother and dad knew i was not dumb i was told in school i would not any thing out of myself i have suprised alot of people i am 31 now i own my ranch i raise horses and crossbred beef cattle i am a dog breeder i am not a puppymill my dogs are just like kids to me i donot sell to breeders or petstores i raise yorkies goldendoodles and bichon frise it is a good thing my father is a large and small animal vet i am married my husband is a engineer me and him where raised differant he did not have alot growing up his family kind of poor my family was upper class i do the moweing he is a little jealous of my dogs he gets upset easy has a hard time getting over things he willnot help feeding my dogs he is a junk collector he does not thank he should help me around the house even when i worked at walmart he said i didnot make enough money so should have to do it all he said i am at fault because i have add he hates my mom because she has done me wrong in the pass i am over it every day he tells me i have something wrong he is embrassed to go get help i feel ugly i am tired our love life is not good i have pcos i have to take fert.pills to have children it hurts to hear him say you are a person messed up i am scared of getting devorced i love him alot i donot no how long i can go threw this is there any help out there that i can talk to
To Robin
Submitted by Nettie on
I'm sorry you are going through a rough time. There is good advice on this site, it just may take some time filtering through to find those comments helpful for someone with ADHD. I know, because I have ADHD, and the long posts are sometimes difficult for impatient me, but you can do it if you try in small amounts.
Marriage to someone raised differently than you is challenging for everyone, not just people with ADHD. My husband is also frugal and hyperfocuses on collecting parts for electronics projects, so I understand that frustration.
Stay with us and ask questions if you have them. Best wishes!
it is better today than it
Submitted by robin berry on
it is better today than it has been it bother him because i worry about what people thank i raise dogs they are well taken care of my father is a small and large animal vet you no you hear on tv people saying all dog breeder are bad not all of them are bad its the ones that sit inthe parkinglots and the ones that donot let u come to there house i have been teaching myself not to worry about everyone else thanks just do what i thank is wright i just have ADD i have to take meds to speed me up i take vyvance but yes i am very impatient it bothers my when my mother tell me iam fat i need the lap band when i have not seen inthe i am losing weight my dr said i need to loose about 30lb iam tall all the fat is around my stomac area but also exercise help add and ADHD he told me that and i beleave it because it has help me
If you are 30 pounds overweight...
Submitted by Sueann on
You don't need the Lapband. That is for people who are seriously overweight to the point it is damaging your health. Don't let your mother tell you you are fat.
It sounds like you have a great career going, that gives you lots of satisfaction. Animals are great for people with ADHD, I think. Very non-judgmental.
You seem to understand what is going on with your ADHD pretty well. Keep at it and let us know if there is anything we can help you with.