As I've mentioned before, my 60 year old H doesn't just have ADHD. He has ADHD, OCD, maybe OCPD, likely Borderline PD, anxiety, depression and he's an alcoholic (semi-active). He would also mismanage his meds a LOT until he finally gave them to me to manage....but a couple of times he has snuck into the meds and taken add'l ones. No matter where I hide them, he finds them.
Over the last few months, he's done a lot better than he was doing the previous 10 years. Drinking less, raging less, but still will have major tantrums when he has some frustrating situations.
The current issue is this: While no one can foresee and prevent all of life's hiccups, there are some that I know can be avoided. One area is that H is NOT good at fixing things. He either fails or it takes so long that it's not worth it. And even where there is some success, usually it's not exactly right (not put back together right) or some other issue is wrong. Many times he outright breaks things because he doesn't know what he's doing. He's horrible at putting things together.
The fact that it takes his so long to fix things makes it all worse....just more days of him being upset. For instance, I had a belt break on my dryer. I wanted to call a repair person. H insisted on fixing it. I broke the first week in January 2014. It was NOT fixed until APRIL!!!! Something that would take a repair person 8 minutes to fix (I know the time because I once timed a repair person). So, I was without a dryer for over 3 MONTHS. And during that time, H would occasionally try to fix it, get extremely upset, rage at me, and then get drunk.
Two weeks ago, he decided to put in a new toilet. It should have been an hour job max. 2 weeks later, toilet wasn't installed. During that time, H would get upset, rage, and then have an excuse to drink.
It's gotten to the point that I'm now BEGGING him not to try to fix anything that he doesnt' have extensive experience (which is really nothing....lol). The problem is.... For the first 20 years or so, my dad used to fix everything for us.....and H would be sitting on the couch watching TV, even tho I kept begging him to work with my dad and LEARN how to fix things. Since my dad became too ill and has since died, H has "tried" to fix things. Often to no avail or to a worse situation. I find it especially annoying because he had a "free" teacher for years and never bothered to avail himself. My dad was a GREAT teacher, but the ADHD part of H (the now, not now) problem is that in real-time, dad was there, so H couldn't foresee a time when dad would no longer be available.
If I try to talk H out of fixing things, he gets VERY angry, even if I put it in the most mildest terms. He views any hesitation on my part as a "lack of trust." It's a memoryless system. H forgets the previous disasters. I try to tell him it's not worth the stress. We can afford to pay someone to fix these things.
When I Was Very Young
Submitted by kellyj on
....starting at around 5 years old? I think? My parents gave me my first tool set and a power saber saw. This still boggles my mind to this day (my mother was a safety freak and was afraid of everything ) Who knows what they were thinking? My guess is...it was my father who got the saw without knowing any better. He liked to fancy himself as a handy man and liked to buy tools to hang on the wall but he was almost completely inept when he tried to build or fix anything. These father and son moments became a real problem for me. These were the moments when he would lose it and lash out at the first thing that moved. In these moments....I was the dog and got kicked.
In my case however....I started tinkering and building and repairing things started at that time. I remember many things going wrong...things breaking....throwing tantrums....throwing tools....kicking the thing that I was trying to fix or build (as if it somehow knew how to get under my skin and did it on purpose just to spite me) Right. And since I did not dare ask my father for help ( are you kidding me? ) I eventually learned one of the primary lessons in doing anything of this nature. It's never as easy as it looks.
I will have to say one thing to all of this however. I see this all the time with men especially. Even knowing better and adding twice the time I think it will take me to do something like this. It doesn't matter....if there are ten screws to turn....one will break or strip (or will roll into a crack in the floor). If there are 100.....it's still the same thing.....one or sometimes two will not fit.....break...strip....or disappear before you are done. You can count on it. If this doesn't happen you can count you're lucky stars. I always buy one or two extras of anything before I begin because this is the way of the universe. lol
But...I have also been doing these things for over 50 years and know what to expect and which things to avoid or have someone elsed do them for me. And even when I do them myself and things go wrong.....I'm ready for it and have a back up plan (or extra parts) before I even start. And I expect things to go wrong and have 5 or 6 alternative methods to do the same operation depending on the circumstances. I learned most of these things when I was still living at home with my parents. My father loved this since he didn't have to pay to have someone come out and fix things. It was one of the few blessings I did receive from him when I finally started to get pretty good at it. Your father sounded a lot like me but....it takes years of learning over time to be handy like this. It does not happen with no experience and even then. Things will still go wrong on occasion.
It's been said (in my field of work)...that the sign of a true master is a person who can fix their mistakes so no one will ever see them. I would add to this....and knows how to avoid these mishaps in the first place. (knowing your limitations and when to hand it off to someone else).
In fairness here to you and to your husband. I have found one of the most frustrating aspects to all of this is.....that usually the people who do not know how to do these things (or have never done them before) are usually the most critical and tend to underestimate the time it takes and all the potential problems that can occur but most importantly......just how difficult something is to do and to chronically think it looks easier than it really is in most cases.
As far as your H is concerned.....he sounds a lot like my father in that respect. My father did not have any experience, but he also never wanted to pay anyone else to do it (because he was a cheap that way.....he made plenty of money and could afford it...no problem) but.he didn't want to appear AS IF he didn't know how to be handy around the house which might make him look bad to other men especially (ie; as witnessed by the tools all neatly lined up on the wall that he never used) This was the real issue and the core of the issue I think (as is with your H if I am not mistaken
The rest of what I said is the same for everyone. With no experience (as I was when I was a kid ).....everything else that you described sound like par for the course including getting frustrated (throwing tantrums, cursing, throwing things,breaking things and then not wanting to go back and work on it again if it's not working.
The only difference is.....I was 5 - 12 years old during this period in the learning curve and your H is in his 60's. There are no short cuts to this process....only over estimating yourself and your abilities which comes from a lack of experience in doing things like this. It's the same for everyone and the first thing all newbies learn....it never as easy as it looks until you learn how and it takes years to get past this point which means lot of attempts and failures along the way until you get there.
FYI; The same things happen even with experienced repairmen.....that's why they have a truck full of extra parts on hand. They're not going to necessarily tell you when something breaks....but they can just grab a new part and keep on working when it does and then hand you the bill when it's all done. As they say...shit happens and it's the same even for someone with lots of experience....only a lot less and they don't have tantrums:)
J