Submitted by seamusmom on 05/05/2015.
My husband of 26 years was recently diagnosed with ADHD. My threat of divorce finally moved him to seek help for his many issues. And, although we now have a "label" for his behavior, the diagnosis does nothing to alleviate the many years of anger and resentment that have accumulated in my heart towards him.
I love my husband, but I don't know what to do with the anger he has elicited. And that is difficult to deal with.
I'm sure other ADHD spouses have confronted the same issue and wonder how they overcame this gigatic marital hurdle.
Response to seamusmom
Submitted by bluejeannie on
Hello there, yes I know what you are going thru. I have been with my adhd husband for 21 years. The first 15 years were horrible. Anger outbursts, blaming me for everything, not understanding why he does not help out more or do things around the house. Many years and tears later I am in the same position as you. Yes we know the "label" and things have gotten a little better but I am still over worked and feel like I can't say anything for fear of causing an outburst. So I just internalize it. I feel numb to him. No emotion, no happiness. Even though I understand what you are going thru, I have no answers for you. I responded to you to let you know I understand your feelings.
I feel you so deeply. I pray
Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on
I feel you so deeply. I pray to feel numb sometimes. Those temper tantrums bite, don't they?
You aren't alone...
Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on
I have been married 25 yrs and am constantly wondering where I would be in my life if I made a different choice. The road not taken is hard to not think about, resentment eats at you and peace is hard to find. However, the only thing that has kept ME sane is prayer (if you believe) family and friends that see my struggle. They still love him however, I get support. Add to that my own self-love. You must work on knowing yourself, loving yourself and being ok in your own company because this place is lonely and at times, many times, most of the time, makes no sense. A label is something you can say "Ahh, ok, that is why" but still does not remove the fact that it hurts and make the person without ADD suffer and be a caregiver during the time when you thought you would just have "normal" marital issues. Compassion is the one thing that helps me see him in a different way on those days when I want to back hand smack him into reality (I am not violent) but you understand the feeling. I journal daily, speak to mature friends for advice, and baby myself too. I accept the days when he is "ok" and happy and when he is grouchy and temperamental I leave him alone. If he actually is attentive to me, then I am very happy for that day but I can't get overly excited anymore since it doesn't last long. It's hard. No doubt. I allow myself to cry to release the pain and be depressed a bit but not stay there. I focus on others, including my husband, and their pain. I refuse to join the behavior and misery he feels but I will help if he allows me to. It's sad because its like you are walking different paths for your protection despite being married. Not what I imagined but the reality. It is what it is unless they get help and we keep informed of how we can improve. But just like AA- we have to let go of what we can't change sometimes. It takes less energy. Go get a pedicure, my love.
My spouse threatens to leave
Submitted by Grrr on
My spouse threatens to leave me on an almost daily basis. It hurts and makes me angry. Furious really. I have been with him for 6 years now and there are times i wish i did break up with him years ago. I wonder sometimes still if i should continue the neglect and losing things and temper tantrums and and and and and the list goes on. :( I dream of a man who will treat me nicely and not swear at me or blow up on a regular basis. Does he exist? at 46, i feel old and stupid most days, he is 16 yrs my junior. he takes ritalin and some kind of anti depressant which helps but is no miracle cure. getting him to dr is MAJOR BS so i haven't had the pleasure of trying him on different antidepressants to see which one works the best to keep the mood stable(er). Will i be with this idiot the rest of my life? I don't know. at this point it feels like 50/50 chance. I love the good bits. the bad bits spoil everything it feels like. add in alcoholism and addiction to pot and now some of you are wondering wth is she DOING with such a loser? i wonder too. i really identify with notgonnalosemyself. i don't want to lose myself either although i have gained 100 lbs since being with him.......Living with him is a full time job in addition to my actual full time job. i think im bumming myself out here but feels good to read others going through THE EXACT SAME THING. feels less lonely. :)
Grrr- you are grrreat...
Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on
Wow, my husband has no addictions to drugs or alcohol so I can only imagine what you are going through. It's commendable that you can still see the good bits in him. You are not stupid to want to be treated nicely. I wonder at times what our hubbies would be like without the ADHD, are they capable of being the men we need? I never encourage leaving a spouse, even though I left for a month in April, however, if there is abuse going on and he threatens that he is going to leave YOU, work on being ok with him leaving you. Don't let anyone hold a threat over your head especially when you are suffering. If he left you, would you be able to recover and get the break you need and he get the help he needs? It is a beautiful thing to be resilient and be a fighter and rise above. Living in misery daily especially if the person is abusive and mean will wear on you if you are not strong and even if you are, if he doesn't get help, and you break, who will care for you and him? I would highly suggest getting therapy for, guess who? YOU. You need to realize you are not stupid or an idiot. You are a woman who is standing by taking care of someone and that is so commendable. When will you take care of you? That may even surprise him. When he threatens to leave, and you are strong enough to say, "If that is what you want, I just want us both to be happy." Imagine how you can feel to not have someone control your emotions to the point that you forget who you are. Have a heart ot heart with your husband if you can, no judgments, no interruptions. I wonder what would come of that. I know that for me, it was worthless to try talk to mine since he would blow up, feel worthless, we would argue, he would fall into self-loathing. The one thing that made him wake up a bit was me leaving and that was just for a month but it was a SHOCKER! He had a huge tantrum that left me shaking and in tears and never addressed the situation, 10 minutes later was fine and I was broken. I decided that night to do it, what I wanted to do for 25 years. I planned it for 3 wks later and even on that day, I was numb and in pain. He was too since he was caught off guard but separate, we were able to address the affect this has had on me and he had to see that I was taking my maiden name seriously and not lose my identity. I am back now and I truly believe it was worth it even if he backslides because there have been no tantrums, not because he doesn't have the urge to but because he is aware of the consequences and the effect on me. The tantrums were the worst, never anger toward me like you have to deal with, but nonetheless, make me anxious and nervous since he hit himself a lot. There is something to be said for doing something someone else thinks you would never do...but my goal was to resolve the issue, not to abandon him. Just remember that you are someone's daughter, sister, friend and the gray box that is your house need not identify you. BOTH spouses have to want better outcomes. Do your part and also remember the little girl inside you. Maybe think about the little boy inside him too.
I miss my boyfriend/fiancé...
Submitted by kaycee_michelle on
you know, the man he was before we married? I feel like I'm mourning the death of my marriage...or what I had hoped for marriage to be like. How did I get myself into this? How did I not see the signs? What happened? What did I do wrong? These are just some of the thoughts that go through my head on a regular basis. I remember telling my parents " no man will love me the way he does" and now I scoff at that statement. Who was he? Was that really him? Or is THIS who he really is? I can't believe he doesn't see it, I can't believe he thinks everything is fine. Then that leads to is it really me? Am I really the problem? I'm trying to make myself believe that everything's fine...then why do I feel so dead inside? Why do I not even want to kiss him? Oh that's right, because our passionate kissing has become a long peck and him showing his love the way he used to no longer happens. The love/passion seems to have died from the moment I said I do, oh now I see, that was just your hyperfocus nothing more. High five for becoming a roommate husband, we are doing great and I love my life I am so darn happy with the way things are now. *smh*
It IS like a death, of sorts. A death of hopes and dreams
Submitted by dedelight4 on
kaycee_michelle, When the ADHD hyper focus wears off, it really IS like the death of someone. At least that's the way it FEELS, and there's some truth to the entire thing of "hyper-focus death". It almost seems like it should be it's OWN "condition" or "state of being". The relationship truly DOES change after the hyper-focus stage. I don't know if they ever get back to that state AFTER the wedding. (unless) The ADHD person actively owns their condition and does everything possible to change what they can to better themselves AND their relationship. More often than not, at least on THIS website, the spouses and partners of ADHD'ers WANT to work with their spouses and work to improve things. (there's a few who don't) I too lamented the death of our relationship, UNTIL recently my ADHD husband took serious steps to change what he finally SAW in himself.
I Can't Tell You How Difficult It Is To Hear...
Submitted by kellyj on
your comments once you see how blind having ADHD can make you. To say you're sorry feels insincere when you've said it so many times before out of defense and not knowing what else to say? Last night I asked my wife to tell me if she could ask for anything from me what would it be? She said "a card and some flowers would be really nice every now and then..you know, the usual things that women want that tells them they are special." It was such simple request which just says the same thing you're saying about "hyper focus death" Doing the same things you did at the beginning of the relationship that says "you're special" is not asking too much. I think when trust begins to reappear after seeing the effort that is put into the "don'ts" ....there comes a time to refocus on the "do's." Last night, my wife just told me one of them and it is such an easy one at that. Your comment makes it pretty clear what the spouses on this sight (and my wife) are really in need of more than anything. Just asking seemed to go a long way all by itself:)
J
You say that you miss your boyfriend/fieance
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
How long were you together before you started noticing problems/issues that are ADHD related?
Thank you so much!
Submitted by Grrr on
Oh my god. To talk to someone who KNOWS! What an oasis! Thank you notgonnalosemyself. Ty Ty Ty! Well we split up tonight I don't think he even registers he's drunk somewhere I wish I wish I wish I just wish for all of it to go away. to know what he would be like! I wish I wish I wish I just wish for all of it to go away to know what he would be like without this disorder to treat me nicely to be loving and kind and not have to wrestle with alcoholism and all the rest of it You can't wish it'll never change nothing will get better I thank God for this forum to know there are people out there that knows exactly what I'm going through really saves my sanity.
I wish I could hug you right
Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on
I wish I could hug you right now. First of all make sure you were safe, and stick very closely to friends and family. You will need to talk your feelings out so that you can think clearly. Take the time to get to know yourself a little bit better and to strengthen yourself. This doesn't have to be the end, you can view it as giving him time to get his stuff together. Make sure you give yourself enough time before feeling sorry for him and going back to the same situation. The ADHD will not go away but the drug use and alcoholism can then perhaps you can see him without those anchors around him and who he can be. Maybe not. If he loves you, he will do the work. Growing up with an alcoholic father, I know that alcoholism is enough to terrorize a family even without ADHD being present. Don't lose hope but at the same time breathe a little rediscover yourself. You can do this!
Thanks for Your Caring Words...
Submitted by kellyj on
It's good too hear from both sides any issue when dealing with your own problems and yet, wanting to help the other person with theirs at the same time.
Take the time to get to know yourself a little bit better and to strengthen yourself....is such good advise for anyone. It's what I've been working on for myself and have really begin to reap the benefits in doing this. If two people are struggling, each having their own problems that are competing with one another, it can only creates a new bigger one that you both have to deal with together if you lose site of it or don't realize it exists in the first place.
If you are both on the edge with your own....it can become just too much to manage at times and become the straw that breaks the camels back. At the very least, it will limit your ability to do anything that helps which can only makes matters worse if you lose site of the bigger problem in your relationship.
I hear you, heeding the advise you gave here has really helped me in my ability to see this too and makes me feel more optimistic at the same time, Just hearing it said from someone else never hurts. It's a starting place.....thanks for saying it:)
J
I hear you
Submitted by Dipity on
I love this post so much that
Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on
I love this post so much that I am cutting it and pasting it into my journal entry for today! So positive and focusing on the betterment of ourselves to make our whole being better and therefore perhaps the marriage as well. Awesomeness! I love long baths. I am also NOT going to treat things like they are emergencies. If he has been home all day and there is no milk or eggs in the house, I will just ask him to get those things. That is all. The things to be grateful for is a great idea that a lot of people have told me to do and sometimes hard to do while we are mad or wiping away tears but certainly a challenging positive thing to do as an exercise. I have been finding that no matter how terrible and unloved I feel, in my anger, I really blow things out of perspective and that can leave my husband deflated as it does me. The next day we are ok so there has to be a better way to deal with things. Thanks again mama!