I'm having a hard time moving on after divorce. It's been four months since my ADD ex-husband moved out, we text about the children but besides that don't communicate.
Its obvious that the same instant I stopped repairing the relationship, there was no longer a relationship.
I think he wants things to be normal, meaning me being nice to him. He reaches out occasionally, hoping I'm well, and has offered me coffee at his house when I've come to collect children. I decline since I'm hurt.
The thing is, I'm in such pain. I'm hurting so much I feel life is over. There is no normal anymore, since what he's done to me is unbearable. He has either forgotten about that, or he ignores it since he on his part feels safe around me. I know there will never be closure coming from him.
It's clear to me now, he's been transgressing my boundaries for a decade. He didn't repair our love and trust, I always had to do it. It's like the full blast of this accumulated hurt has exploded on me when I finally gave up on our marriage. It's pain on a scale I've rarely felt.
I grieve my entire life as an adult, the losses in every aspect of life, the injustice. The lack of understanding from certain people around us. Nobody but me has actually seen his massive dysfunction. And everyone sees him as a responsible and gentle person. Even those who believe me would have a hard time imagining the emotional outbursts, headless demands and illogical cruelties of his RSD.
Everyone now expects me to lead the way to reconciliation. I'm supposed to erase the conflict so the children don't suffer from it. I'm the one holding a grudge. He either is untroubled, or pretends to be in order to gain something.
It's I who suffer for not repairing. By sitting on my hands I let his hurtful words and actions define the end of our long years together.
But what to do? I physically cannot make another repair attempt. They are all spent, as is my patience with him. And I cannot pretend someone who has treated me like this is my friend. It's just humiliating.
When will this pain ever end?
Can't give what you don't have
Submitted by Off the roller ... on
I hear you Swedish. Feeling the same except its loneliness and it just consumes me. Its so so hard, isn't it? Keep stepping in the right direction and breath through thr pain and there will be light on the other side, you k ow this.
Your end sentences struck me so hard but you can't give what you don't have and it sounds like you don't have anything to give. End of. It's good to know your limits and hang in there.
Loneliness
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Thank you for your reply. Loneliness is very relatable too. There is a giant void after a loved one, no matter how dysfunctional they've been.
Thank you for reminding me of brighter times ahead. Those are not within sight for me, but I'll trust you on it.
Stopping the giving
Submitted by Swedish coast on
There's also this: at some point it's necessary to stop giving to a person whom you no longer trust. In my case, it's crucial, since I've given far too much for far to long, and he hasn't done much in return.
I just wish I could do the non-giving in a neutral way. No more emotions. That would be the end goal, I suppose.
Suffering
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I hear you. I felt this too. You suffer so much because you did indeed invest everything you had in this relationship. I don't know if our exes hurt so much less because they invested so much less or if it's it that they have little empathy/care in general. For mine I think it's both.
I do pretend my ex is my friend most of the time. It's getting easier as the years are passing. Our cordiality is great for our daughter's events where we must come together. We can have a decent casual conversation most of the times he comes here to see her. Sometimes he's unsufferable and I want to scream though. I don't know if it can ever be "great," but our daughter has expressed she's "so happy you and dad get along." That makes me so happy.
Having said that, I don't think you ever have to pretend to be nice to someone for their sake (or those around you who will be more comfortable if you continue to put on a "show"). If it's better for you or the kids, then by all means, do what's comfortable. But coming in for coffee or being friendly via text if you don't want to? You shouldn't have to entertain that for one second. You've been through enough.
Thank you Melody
Submitted by Swedish coast on
I admire you for having found a way to do this.
It worked okay initiallly. First month after divorce, I was in an adrenalin state and was doing okay. I could see him occasionally at school events, but not really make conversation. Then there were a couple of months when exhaustion took me and I dozed all the time, and couldn't think about what had happened.
Now its this pain. I even walk out of yoga class because I it suddenly hurts me physically. Everything hurts. I'm paranoid and unable to move forward with life. Maybe it's just a phase.
I guess in the future I will be able to participate in children's events when he's there.
He counted on me to cooperate after divorce for the sake of the children. I think what he didn't understand was there are different kinds of cooperation. The generous and forgiving kind he's been used to, with endless little kindnesses. And there is also the one I'll be able to provide now.
I wish he had considered during divorce that our relationship will forever be our children's childhood home. Not even for them will I be able to act like I wasn't humiliated and used by him.
Manipulation
Submitted by nefun76 on
Even when they want you to be civil with them , the very selfish one alike my ex , it's for their own benefit . He sent me a long apology about how he is sorry he hurt my feelings and humiliated me and tried to use his parent's death as a crutch. His real reason for apology turned out to be me agreeing to reduce the court ordered child support bcos he's going through a hard time. Healing also starts with no longer giving in to their subtle manipulation . Most have no remorse or empathy . They look out for themselves . It's a form of sociopathy
don’t let him define it
Submitted by honestly on
I feel for you. Now the fighting is over you're left with all the hurt and no means to vent it. I'm married still but have seen this same approach from ADHD husband every time we have a crisis. No sooner is the crisis 'over' - ie not actually currently happening - it should have been 'gotten over' which I, for my own reasons, internalized. I was the one at fault if I couldn't instantly forgive and forget. Turns out I wasn't over any of it - i started counseling and hurt that happened twenty years ago came spilling out. So my suggestion to you is don't let his definition stand, not for you at least. Know your own truth. Get it down on paper - write it out - or go to a good counselor if you can find the money. Or tell a friend if you can't. Maybe the friend's permission first if you can just get it off your chest. I've come to realize it's like the laundry; if you don't deal with it, it just gets more fetid.
Truth
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Thank you. I feel the same way. If his and my versions of what has occurred differ too much, I need to define my truth and live according to it. I've tried to share a story with him for so long and now he wrote the last chapter single-handedly. He made my love and work meaningless by ending the story this way.
Friends who want to remain friends with both partners after divorce will inevitably be torn between two truths. One friend told me earlier she won't choose between us. I told her she wouldn't have to. The other day, I did the job myself instead and decided I'll let her go as friend.
These are standard divorce losses. I could have been so much worse off, but the thing is our friends and acquaintances have already been lost a decade ago when the ADD situation ruined social life. It's one or two shared friends left. I will let them go if I need to.
Its clear that society has very high standards for women as caretakers. Probably that is why people assume we will forgive, forget, and continue giving, no matter the circumstances.
Im so sorry to hear that your husband is not repairing the damage after fights either. Why should that be normal or acceptable?
All the best to you. You deserve respect for your feelings.
Why I need to keep a distance
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Did some reading this weekend. It dawned on me that the main reason I can't see or speak to my ex husband months after divorce, isn't hurt feelings. It is the risk that I'll fall into my old habit of repairing the relationship.
Apparently a person might need a longer period of time to detox from their partner and their automatic reactions to that partner after divorce.
I think that's it. I can't risk connecting to him again. I might well slip back into loving him. That would be really bad after all the pain it's taken to get this far apart.
So I'm keeping up those boundaries. It's not holding grudge. It's staying off the edge not to fall back in.
So relatable
Submitted by nefun76 on
So relatable - the endless kindness, the generosity , love and all the work invested were meaningless. My ex abandoned the kids and I and held on to "lack of enough sex" as his reason. Nothing else counted for anything not the financial assistance I rendered for 15yrs, not bailing him out from loan sharks or supporting his many businesses .
It's harder for you because it appears you are still in love with your ex or maybe it's early days . I have not seen my ex physically in 3yrs as he absconded to another country so I feel nothing for him.
4months is still early days so don't be hard on yourself . It would indeed get better . Give it a year
Your feelings are valid
Submitted by nefun76 on
I very much understand you a 100% as this is my own reality too. The comment about no one understanding his massive dysfunction, looks like a gentle and responsible person and even those that believe can't imagine it is my total experience. No fault of theirs and expecting them to understand is too huge an additonal burden on you. Infact you are blamed for tolerating his dysfunction
however the healing would start when you take your power back. You have to have an intimate discussion with your self which is acceptance of the reality of the situation. . You have to acknowledge that this is your life given to you and a 3rd party would not dictate how your life will turn out . You cannot give him that power so you must take your power back. It's not easy and requires a great deal of self awareness and determination but it's the only way forward
Once you start to acknowledge this for you and your children , you must pave a better further for them , one of love, joy , peace and happiness. Let every day count no matter how hard. Take your eyes and heart off your ex. Gradually his behavior or lack of one will no longer be significant
I was in immense pain seeing my ex flaunt his adulterous relationship with our "friend" who he cheated on me with on social media and the lady taunting my kids and I with their "family" pictures . However the minute I made this decision to take my power from them , it was life changing . The pain started to ebb slowly and they didn't matter as much. It won't go away completely and anger will still rile up but the intensity reduces until you a are completely healed.
Have this at the back of your mind - take your power back! You can and you must. I am rooting for you ❤️
Thank you nefun
Submitted by Swedish coast on
It means so much to me to be understood in this. Thank you for replying.
Your way of regaining power by turning away I very much believe in. If the relationship wasn't on our terms and it made us unhappy, and then ended catastrophically, why should we pursue friendship with the partner after?
I believe it's possible to do what's right by the children without forcing oneself to be courteous. I won't be unpleasant. But I won't give either.
Absolutely
Submitted by nefun76 on
Absolutely - Don't be unpleasant but don't give in to their emotional manipulation to be kind or caring . Be civil. It's easier for me because I am a sole car giver so no physical interaction as my ex moved to another county . If your kids are old enough let them understanding how you feel and how the past relationship has impacted on you without any bile or bitterness so you can manage their expectation as regards your relationship with their dad. Their happiness is paramount but also not at the expense of any further emotional hurt . My daughter is 15 and she understands so well she actually prayed for a new stepdad who will love and care for us all.
Trust me the kids are smart and they understand your hurt . Let them also know that love and marriage is a beautiful thing and your experience will not mar their own experience . Assure them of your support but don't be drawn into any emotional manipulation , we have endured this for too long .
Let them also know love and marriage is a beautiful thing and you will assure them of your support.
The second paragraph
Submitted by adhd32 on
This is the key whether you are leaving or staying. It took me almost 7 years of being on this forum to internalize this. We focus on the ADD spouse. Why can't they just ... The answer is they may not want to or they do not have the ability. We want them to behave a certain way, our way, but maybe they are incapable. Consider how unnatural it would feel to you to be expected to live in a way that it is contrary to your natural inclination. The bottom line is you must accept they are who they are. Maybe they are a lousy parent to your kids or verbally abusive to you in an RSD breakdown. That is who they really are. You have to acknowledge these type of things about them so you can assess where you want to be next year and 10 years down the road. Don't sit around waiting for an answer, open your eyes and question yourself about what you want forever. Stop running behind picking up after them. You have the power to change the dynamic by moving on, you do not have the power to change them. Many here, including myself, tried everything to get our mates to change, to see the error of their way, if only they would just.... What if they refuse change? You can either become a codependent caretaker or you can run your life the way you see fit and let spouse deal with the fallout of their action or inaction without any intervention from you. It isn't easy but if you want peace in your life, stop expecting anything different from you partner and make plans and decisions accordingly.
Very True
Submitted by nefun76 on
I believe they do not have the capacity to operate in a normal family structure - the co-dependency and inability to handle stressful situations is a real thing . Infact I feel they resort to flight or freeze when faced with these.
I think staying is really hard bcos it's highly likely the non- ADHD spouse will feel angry or resentful having to carry all the parenting and spousal burden except the ADHD partner is willing to make an effort .
My ex called the kids and I a pressure pot, it was clear he was unwilling to even try and he happily moved to another continent to avoid any parenting responsibilities .
Taking your life back and leaving them to pick up their slack is easier when you are not together to be honest .
I still believe we shouldn't
Submitted by Lonely21 on
I still believe we shouldn't just "accept that they are who they are" if it deeply affects the relationship. And I don't think they're incapable either. I do believe that they have a very serious and difficult situation to face, but not impossible. And that should be the big question, how to make them realize the gravity of the situation and be willing to face it, instead of them staying in this comfort zone that is completely uncomfortable and dragging us into it too. There are countless medical situations in which the patient also refuses to accept that they have and need treatment and that drastically affect the entire family, such as alcoholism, drugs, morbid obesity, depression, and we know that they are all complex situations, very sad and which only get worse over time, therefore, they must be treated so that the person and the family can live and coexist (otherwise, they would just be surviving). In these other cases that I mentioned, if people simply stopped fighting because it would be "living against their natural inclination", wouldn't that be a death sentence? Probably. Therefore, as difficult as it may be, I believe that the big question is how to make the partner realize that they need treatment (medicine and therapy) and, in fact, for them to initiate and commit to treatment. I'm in this battle here, because I still have hope that he will take this initiative. So for now, what I'm looking for are tools, tactics, ideas so that I can help you realize the importance of the situation and the need to begin treatment. And at this point, I realized that it doesn't work when I try to talk to him myself, because he reacts by becoming defensive and thinking it's an exaggeration. I've also tried sending texts (even yesterday I sent a text here on this site and, of course, he didn't read it), but it doesn't help either, because he loses focus and doesn't finish reading. I think it would perhaps help if a third person (friend or relative), who he trusts and admires, told him about how serious the situation is, as he is more receptive to someone outside the relationship. And, to complement it, shorter and more objective things that capture attention and highlight the necessary points (videos, infographics, drawings), it seems silly, but I think it would help. I will try to put the first option into practice and look for someone close and trustworthy to try to awaken in him the need to seek help. Of course, I read several reports here on the site from many partners who also tried and failed to get their partner to seek help and, in the end, the relationship ended. We all have our limits. I'm afraid of that too. That's why I think it's very important to know how to take the first step, and perhaps here on the forums, by exchanging experiences with people who have had success, we can come up with ideas that work in practice.
Their initiative and ours
Submitted by Swedish coast on
You capture the whole essential problem perfectly. I can literally feel your strength in wanting to make change. You are fully capable of change. For a person who is, it's almost unfathomable that their partner isn't. When so much depends on it too.
I'm dealing with the fact that my ADD ex-husband seems to function without me. It's killing me. No work of mine helped, but losing my support apparently helped him regain some ability to keep things together.
He's felt guilty about me for years, but hasn't been able to change his ways. And to boot, he's a professional in this area. He has access to all the tools, all the knowledge, the best psychiatrist, the best psychologist, occupational therapist, and has tried out a set of medication for ADD and all his different co-illnesses that have developed as a consequence of untreated ADD.
I'd say no one could be better externally equipped to handle ADD. But then there's the internal capacity. And that has not been enough. There is no initiative. There is no confidence (and being with me has ruined his confidence, so I'm bad for him).
Actually, my constant initiatives on all levels, apart from draining my happiness and health, have been detrimental to his success. My strength has been a problem, because it has made him feel worse. He needed a life of his own without my standards for communication, child rearing, nutrition, exercise, work ethic, socializing, entertainment and celebrations.
I have for a long time wondered why he chose me to begin with if I was so intimidating. But now I think it was because he could hitch a ride with competence he didn't have himself.
This is so disappointing for a non-ADHD partner. But to me the disability in itself, at least when severe, is the antithesis of initiation. It's the non-initiative. It's the letting time pass when the entire family's future depends on urgent action. Its not repairing love and trust that desperately needs repair. It's the staying in bed with vague symptoms. It's the avoidance of everything unappealing to the point of not putting food on the table for the children.
I hope you will find there is a way to treatment that works for you. There is for many. But I wouldn't trust that treatment changes initiative very much. At least that hasn't happened in our case.
Cannot make someone change
Submitted by adhd32 on
You can change yourself. You do not have the power to change someone else. You can suggest, beg, yell, cry but you cannot force a change in someone else. Once you accept this, your world will change. You will see the futility of your effort to force your will on another. You cannot force an alcoholic to stop drinking or an addict to get clean. If you cannot accept this life, you have to decide what is next for you, not him.
Looking for positive experiences
Submitted by Lonely21 on
adhd32 I agree when you say that "I can't force change". I probably would like it to be that way, but I know it's not possible. That's why my question is whether it is possible to awaken the initiative in ADHD sufferers, whether it is possible in some external way to give the impulse for the person to understand the situation and then be able to seek help from there. Perhaps the difference is subtle. I couldn't understand if your comment had any resentment or if you just wanted to be realistic, taking into account some personal experience you had. I've read several sad and hopeless reports, but I know there are other positive ones and those are the ones I'm looking for at the moment (being aware that there is a pessimistic side). Maybe it would be more productive to open a very specific topic, so I will do that. I hope you are well.
I feel your pain
Submitted by Swedish coast on
I'm so sorry you are going through this.
I'm guessing you would like to do whatever it takes to find a way to solve this and keep the family together. Would you need professional advice? Would it be possible to pursue couple's therapy?
Wishing you all the best.
I can relate
Submitted by lana25 on
even though i had a very brief relationship with a ADHD man, i can relate to every word you say, apart from the long years. i am so sorry you are going through this. This man told me similar things about his ex partner, that she was more angry with him than he was with her, that he is past that stage and whats things just to be pleasant and normal. I think its a major ADHD wish, to seek eternal positivity towards them no matter their wrongdoings. He also said that he had done everything to save their relationship. I dont know if its just a plain lie or a massive denial. But one thing i know for sure, it can not be further from the truth. Just from the way he treated me during this short period of time that ive known him, I can clearly see he does nothing to save the relationship.
the moment you stop making the effort, the relationship is over.
Much strength to you and believe that one day you are going to feel better, even if it doesnt look that way now.