Submitted by Libby on 09/10/2018.
My DH seems to thinks that now matter how is treats me he is entitled to sex whenever he likes. I am not only depressed over this but frightened. It has been some time since we had sex and he has become very adamant and demanding about it. I understand his frustrations about it but what about me. Nothing changes as far as his behaviours even if he gets what he wants....
You should leave
Submitted by Dagmar on
If you are really and truly frightened, you need to get out now. Do you have a place to stay? It may seem scary to be on your own at first, but you will never regret it. I mean, if you're depressed over it, you should get out, but if you are afraid he will hurt you, then you have no reason to stay. Especially if you have kids.
Sounds like you are not attracted to him
Submitted by bowlofpetunias on
"It has been some time since we had sex and he has become very adamant and demanding about it."
In addition to you being frightened--a justification to leave on its own--I also got the impression that you are not sexually attracted to him. That would be fine if both spouses wanted a companionate marriage, but it sounds like he can not accept that.
"Nothing changes as far as his behaviours even if he gets what he wants...." Sex should not be a motivation for behavioral change. Sex should be based on feelings of physical and emotional attraction. If you only agree to sex because you fear him or you are trying to mollify him, you should end the marriage. Both of you would then be free to find partners who share your respective goals.
There are things that aren't an option in marriage, (to me).
Submitted by c ur self on
Our wedding Vows are just that...The two of us committing ourselves to each other in the good times, and the bad times, the sick times, and healthy times, 2 being 1 flesh...
The only place sex can happen for either of us in a pure and right state is in this union, everything else of course would (immoral) adultery ...So because of this truth, I would never consider pushing my wife away...Now saying this, there may be a reason my marriage should be dissolved...But there is never a reason to not honor my vows in the marriage....
The power of my body isn't mine to bargain with...It belongs to God first, and my wife second, I'm the third owner...There are many more truths concerning marriage, one of them is how I should live with my wife in an understanding manner. (which has been very difficult for me, based on how different we feel about things, but, it's my responsibility to do so non the less) I'm am also instructed to love her, in the same way that I love my own flesh...And I definitely want my flesh loved and care for, so I am going to take care of her....Anything else isn't an option...I know that we live in a day and time where many humans, feel they have a self appointed right to do as they please....And they might, but, you can rest assured that it is self appointed.....
Never allow yourself to be abused, but, never fight abuse w/ the same....
Blessings Libby, I will pray for you....
c
I would challenge you to
Submitted by Libby on
I would challenge you to listen to Patrick Doyles discussion on sex and the abusive marriage. Nowhere in the Bible does it say that abusive spouses are still entitled to a normal sex life.
I'm sure he (Mr.Doyles) means well, and makes good points...
Submitted by c ur self on
But, if he shares anything that isn't Ephesians 5: 22 through the end of the chapter....I Corinthians 7: 1-5...Then I'm not interested....The problem isn't what truth is...The problem is people who doesn't seek truth for their lives...Scripture (the bible) is given to the body of Christ...Those who seek God's presents in their lives, (through the Christ)...It's not that I would not agree that a person should NOT accept abuse...But I think we feel different about a few things related to how the the abuse should be responded to....And that is fine, it's a very difficult thing to face...But I am saying two wrongs never has nor ever will make a right....I'm accountable for my own sin, and my wife will never answer for my wrongs...Just as I will never answer for hers....I have to make decisions' based on what scriptures is saying to me as a husband...I can never base it on what someone else does or doesn't do..
c
I’d just like to point out
Submitted by Brindle on
I’d just like to point out that the section you’re referring to is run of the mill marriage advice for the average couple. It isn’t advice for extreme situations.
This is my problem with the average advice for women in religious backgrounds. When someone is wrong, that same book says to stand up to it. If they won’t listen to you, then stand up to it with an audience. And then if they still won’t listen, they get booted. If that’s the advice for nonsexual problems, then I cannot seriously think that a woman is supposed to ignore her screaming insides and offer her body in a hugely vulnerable way when she is being treated so badly by the person who said he would look after her needs. It doesn’t add up.
Libby, I think as much as it hurts, it might be time to tell him that you don’t feel safe to offer yourself to him when he treats you like a prostitute. Could you say “I’m not a prostitute. If having a healthy marriage isn’t something you are interested in, then make your plans and leave.”
Average advice....
Submitted by c ur self on
This "average advice" is life changing for all of us, that accept it...that includes Libby's husband...But he will have to do like the rest of us...See his need, repent, and seek it....No intentions to offend anyone here....Most of us probably wouldn't put up w/ what Libby deals with....
c
withholding is abuse (?)
Submitted by husband33 on
devil's avocate:
you say "nothing changes..if i give him what he wants"...so you are withholding to punish him?
physical and emotional withholding is a betrayal of your spouse, it is punishing (opposite of loving) and is a form of abuse.
In this case it is not abuse
Submitted by Libby on
In this case it is not abuse to not have sex with my DH but the result of many years of his untreated mental illness and all that entails. It is the result of him wanting only the sexual part of the marriage and nothing else. He wants No affection, no friendship, no communication, no connection with me except in the bedroom. I would say that is abuse on his part.
In my world, a person, male
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
In my world, a person, male or female, is always allowed to say "no" to sex.
Agreed
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Enthusiastic consent all the way. I don't even know why a committed spouse or partner would want sex without that.
I agree....
Submitted by c ur self on
(Enthusiastic consent all the way. I don't even know why a committed spouse or partner would want sex without that.)
We don't, but, when it's all there is, we endure the negative out look and enjoy the release, no one in their right mind wants it to be this way...Also men and women have different needs....I can't know the true feelings of a women, just as you can't know the true feelings of a man....
c
Love and sex and desire
Submitted by jennalemone on
Libby, do not feel like you are to blame if you don't want to have sex with someone. If you don't want to, it is a woman's right to not to HAVE to. A piece of paper does not take away a woman's right to her own body. Don't do it if you don't feel like it. We are not in a country or time era where it is a woman's duty to grin and bear it.
To you guys, Do not expect a woman to have to have sex with you for ANY reason. ...ie: Don't expect a woman to oblige you just because you buy her dinner, kiss her one time, say loving words one time.
Here is what you can do if you want sex with a wife: If she can count on you to be there for her always, if you regularly look at her with love and care in your eyes, if she can count on you to financially support her for a lifetime, if you are a person of integrity and honorable and consistently groomed. THEN you MAY be alluring to her to WANT to be part of your physical life together.
If you ARE all of those things and not getting sex, ask your wife what it is that is NOT happening inside her life that she does not want to be that part of you.
Some women don't want sex JUST for the sake of someone to "fill" her physical needs and sexual urges. Some women want love and marriage desire the closeness and the security of a loving husband. Women put a lot of effort into how they look and smell and they prepare their bodies for allure. Then men come ungroomed and just feel entitled to intimacy because why????? Because they are horny? Because they signed a piece of paper. Does a woman sign that piece of paper aware that her husband expects her to make her body available to him at his will even though he does nothing to merit a place of desire in her?
I always don't get that. Men talk about their sexual needs but it is the women who do the preparing for possible sex encounters. The only men I wanted to tear my clothes off for were those who put effort into their bodies, hygiene, reputations, achievements, trustworthiness, PARTNERING and the consistent look of care and appreciation in their eyes REGULARLY. mmmm...yes...yes...please.
"You should give it to me because we are married and I have physical needs." yuk, get away, not a chance.
Thank you Jenna.
Submitted by Libby on
Thank you Jenna.
Jenna
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
STANDING O!!!
Jenna...
Submitted by c ur self on
Your list is typical daily living for many men...But it didn't do a lot for the trauma of rape with my first wife (30 years)....But it does help a lot w/ my present wife....:)...Unless there is a more shiner attraction...Or, the rest of her not to night list...lol....
c
Agreed
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
This topic sets off so many triggers for me. My ex-husband was verbally and emotionally abusive to me. His lack of personal hygiene was a complete turn-off. He would only brush his teeth in the morning before he left for work and that was it. He smoked a pack and a half of cigarettes a day and drank alot of coffee. Didn't wash up down there, and then expected me to not only be ready but willing to have sex with him whenever he wanted it.
The only time he spoke kindly to me or asked how my day was going was when he wanted sex.
One night, things went too far, and I was left in tears, shaking.
Intimacy starts with the little things...
agreed too, but what if an ADHD symptom?
Submitted by husband33 on
of course consent is always mandatory and everybody's body is their own.
that doesn't mean that some folks don't engage in avoidance/withdrawl/neglect in a harmful/manipulative way (power, revenge, selfishness, having an affair).
not making an effort to engage or connect intimately with your partner, even when hygeiene, compliments, generosity, support, fitness/lost attractiveness are not issues is possibly an ADHD behavior...and there is hurt that comes with neglect, a form of abuse
Avoidance/Withdrawal/Neglect
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I agree with both things, too, 33. Consent is mandatory, but avoidance/neglect is a pain I wouldn't wish on anyone. I'm sorry if you are experiencing that. I am in the boat you describe. My husband and I have not been intimate in 8 years. Porn lights his ADHD brain on fire. Therefore, real people are no longer a match for that. It felt like a form of abuse to me for a very long time. I didn't know about the porn for many years.. He pretended it was a medical issue (maybe he has tricked himself into believing that, even), so I tried very hard to be understanding and sensitive. I questioned myself so much and lost a lot of confidence. It was devastating. I suppose I have moved on to acceptance. It's definitely not me... this is yet another ADHD issue that he is unwilling to address. After 8 years of nothing and several before of being rejected except perhaps twice a year, I would not now be with him in that way even if he asked. Which he won't, of course. He's probably thrilled I stopped pursuing him.
I don't know how one partner can do that to another and expect lifelong acceptance. But he does. I don't know how he can shrug off the dozens of occasions I carefully and vulnerably approached the subject with him. But he did.
He has made his choice and it's clear no amount of hurt on my part is enough for him to work on it. So it is up to me to accept and stay or reject and leave when I can.
not being wanted
Submitted by husband33 on
i am so sorry for your experience. everyone deserves to feel attractive, to be given confidence by another's appreciation of their soul, their body, their mind, their effort to give, that is a big part of love.
neglect is a pierce to the spirit.
So I read this thread over
Submitted by dvance on
So I read this thread over many times and I'm not sure who to comment back to. Many things to think about. First of all, a woman's body is not property and no one just gets to have it. If the woman does not want sex, that's pretty much all there is. No explanation needed. From what I gather from my friends who have normal healthy marriages with normal healthy spouses, sex lives ebb and flow, especially with age and children. I am 48, we have been married 23 years, so that is around the age and marriage span of a lot of my friends. Most of the crave, enjoy, look forward to, hope for, even schedule sex with their spouse. Why? Because their spouse is present and engaged in all the other parts of their married lives too, not just the parts that interest them at any given moment, not just the parts THEY care about, or the parts that are easy and fun. The people I know with the most robust sex lives also have the most robust lives outside the bedroom--hobbies they share AND things they do separately. Work they enjoy. They spend time together at home and out in the world. Notice I did not say money. Not all of my friends are wealthy (we are not). An easy life is not what I mean. That sense of partnership, that someone has your back, that if one person drops the ball, the other picks it up and vice versa. I don't feel any of that. I feel fairly confident in saying most of us here are juggling ALL the balls and if one drops the consequences of that are all on us, our other person may not even notice it dropped. For the past six or seven years, there is no feeling of partnership in my life. No one has my back. My husband is not the first person I share good news with, not the person I go to for advice about anything, not the person I share work concerns with (his only response is some version of "maybe you should get a new job"). Sex has also gone away in the past six or seven years. For me, I can't hand my body over to someone who doesn't really know ME, who does not have the good of me or our family as his first priority. If there is no day to day connection, how to you invent one just for sex and then go back to being roommates? My DH is terribly overweight and has very questionable grooming. That is not terribly appealing either. I worked super hard after a major back surgery last December to lose 15 pounds and am now I healthy size 8 and I look pretty damn good for 48 and he hasn't looked at me or touched me in any way, least of all sexual in over a year, probably longer. You know that thrill when you get dressed and you know you look good and you sorta look forward to a compliment? That has not happened in my house in years. I have asked a few times if he misses sex and he shrugs and says he can do without it, he can take it or leave it. So what would be MY motivation to pursue that? Add to that the bizarre behaviors, lying, messes, unfinished projects, undermining me with the kids--who wants to sleep with that guy? Not me, I can tell you that. We used to have a fabulous sex life, but over time it has just slipped away like everything else about our marriage. I suspect it wasn't as good as I thought it was, and clearly the entire marriage wasn't what I thought it was, what with the three other women there have been over the past seven years, so there is that too. I used to feel like no matter what was wrong in our every day lives, at least we had great sex but at some point that stops being enough to hold an entire marriage together so here we are.
I don't know--I rambled and didn't say anything particularly earth shattering, it's just a tough subject. I miss being physically intimate with someone who loved me, but if I was brutally honest with myself, I don't know if DH actually did or does love ME. He is still stuck being a petulant teenager behavior-wise and maturity-wise and I had to grow up and act my actual age to make up for that and also because well, I want to be an adult. It's hard to forge any connection with a crabby, put upon 19 year old in a 50 year old body, forget a physical one. I don't buy the whole "sex is part of the marriage obligation". So is being fully present to your wife. So is not spending money foolishly so that she has to worry about your budget. So is holding down a job all the time, not just when it's fun. So is parenting your kids, not being their friend. You can't have the physical stuff without the rest of the stuff. Just my two cents. Kind of rambly and disjointed. Sorry.
You did a good job
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I think you did a great job describing your situation and your feelings - and no doubt some other readers/members of this forum will see themselves in what you shared and feel less alone. Any hint of attraction is gone for many of us because of years of untreated symptoms/havoc.
Amen sister
Submitted by cmo22 (not verified) on
Amen sister
I'd like to throw out the
Submitted by cmo22 (not verified) on
I'd like to throw out the unpopular opinion.
Assuming your situation is similar to mine, I understand where you're coming from. Is isn't that you are withholding sex to be malicious. It's when you are constantly faced with berating, name calling, and anger and then expected to flip the switch and put out without any kind of acknowledgement or apology. I know when I am in that situation, sex for me is just feeling like I'm only good for my body. Like I'm not deserving of respect, but he has no problem using my body for his own benefit. I spend the entire act feeling resentful and hoping to just get it over with. So no, I don't think it's malicious to withhold sex. I think we're just waiting for the love and compassion to accompany it, but it never comes. And the cycle repeats.
I wish I had advice for you. Just know that you aren't crazy or alone.