My husband and I have been married for 5 years. In the beginning he was thoughtful, fun, etc and I had me we been happier in my life. After we got married things started to change. He has become unreliable and downright all over the place. Sometimes I feel like I have to do everything. I'm a RN with a stressful job and I feel like I always pick up the slack. The only thing I can depend on is knowing that he won't get it done. I feel HORRIBLE for talking so bad about him but I'm suffering. I could finish what takes him a whole days worth in an hour I swear! We have two small kids and my son (3.5 years) has started getting bad reports in daycare. He is unable to sit still and is disruptive during nap time. It's only though getting a tentative diagnosis for my son that I figured out my husband has ADD also. I know, I know I'm not qualified to diagnose BUT my husband exhibits all of the symptoms and has been told by others he's just too scatter brained. The big problem is that he completely denies that he has a problem and insists that I'm just too uptight. I was never a nag before but I can't just let everything fall apart as he would! Anything I try to say that could be considered criticism is met with angry, yelling and mocking me. He frequently runs into trouble with jobs because bosses see him as being distracted and not following through. I don't want to leave the marriage because we have 2 kids 3 and under. I feel trapped, hopeless, angry etc. just wanted to see if anyone else has been though this. How can I stay if everything is someone else's fault and he won't even admit that he had a problem. I feel invalidated and alone and unsupported :( . I want to feel secure and happy again.
Denial and blame from ADHD husband (new to this)
Submitted by Heatherpowersrn on 08/28/2020.
Hello Heather
Submitted by c ur self on
I noticed that you joined this site a couple of weeks before you posted this...I hope you read here a while....I'm going to give you my thoughts based on your comments...First I would like to say that I wasted several years NOT LIKING....my spouse's way of living....LOL
After 12 years of trying to find a peaceful place, I feel like I can offer you a few things to consider....Let's not focus on your problems or his problems...Because I hear you...And I understand...I live w/ a wife who takes adderall every day (if she don't forget it)...She is very add, and very distracted, and I, and many here could have written your post after 5 years of marriage....The only difference is I was probably much more angry and bitter than you seem to be....
But what I have had to come to peace with is this reality...She don't know how to be any different...Her behaviors are learned, but they are based on her mind's functioning abilities...She will never be able to perform life duties, (responsibilities) anywhere close to what I can do...Period....So I had to accept that....Because she just felt beat down, when I tried to instruct or point out her inadequacies'...And her responses were to just mock me or run away....
Of course, I justified the angrily pointing it out, because as you know, their lives effect ours in a big way.....So my life has had to take these turns the past 12 years....
1) Find healing for my anger and bitterness, so I can focus on loving my wife again....
2) Acceptance of her reality (she is not me, she is not any other high functioning women, she is who she is, and deals with the mind she has...)
3) Set boundaries on myself and on our relationship to eliminate as much of the intrusiveness and chaos as possible...(we do not share finances, we do taxes separately, because she is last minute, and I will never live that way....I don't get in her car if at all possible, it's full of junk, she's distracted, and want stop playing w/ her iPhone,)...I don't do certain activities with her, because of her hyper focus, I don't exist when she is lost in her mind) I used to pick up behind her, and I found out, that just made her an invalid, she has no convictions, or ability, to see all that I did...And w/ her short term memory she can't remember it anyway....
What I had to come to realize is....I can quietly pack and leave....But, if I'm going to stay, I had to realize the huge difference in our thinking, abilities, priorities, etc.....It has to be live and let live, if I'm going to have as good of marriage as possible....So I do not try to think for her, or expect anything that I expect from myself....I attempt to be kind, love her, and not enable her or mother her....The more love I show, the more she responds to it w/ trust and kindness herself....I don't want my wife to walk around feeling like I don't love and appreciate her...I want her to have a good life....That means acceptance, it means respecting and quietly enforcing my boundaries....It means not reacting to her when she is having an add outburst...When I made up my mind to leave, when I finally came to peace with leaving (so we both can have a peaceful lives) I told her, not in an argument, but, calmly....She started working hard to change some of her bad and intrusive habits with that reality....
Many people's lives work better alone....But, those people have feelings, they desire intimacy just like everyone else...But there living of life is most always going to be chaotic, self absorbed and distracted...Most may struggle w/ responsibilities, time management, and may be super messy......All intrusive things that make 2 being 1 a huge challenge....
Bless you Heather, I will pray for you guys....
Focus on your blessings, enjoy your precious children...The more you accept the fact your husband can't be trusted to perform at the level you do, or would like him to....You will learn to not count on him to be any different than he show's you he is willing and/or capable of....
Don't allow anger or the desire to change him, haunt you, and robe you of a peaceful life....
c
Heather
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I am in exactly your situation. I have been with my husband for 20 years and at least 12-13 of them have been as you described. If you keep flipping through the forum here, you'll see there are a lot of us out there in exactly your situation.
I think you have nailed the biggest barrier to change in the first word of the subject of your post: Denial. Like yours, my husband refuses to acknowledge that his ADHD symptoms/behaviours are at the root cause of most of our issues. This makes it impossible to solve our relationship problems. I can work on myself and my responses all I want (and I have), but if nothing changes on his end, then we are doomed.
This forum is pretty full of these situations, but I think those couples that have success are those where the ADHD partner wakes up and takes accountability for his/her condition. Medication and ADHD behavioural strategies can go a long way, but the partner has to be willing and committed. Then, as the non-ADHD partner, we can also do our part.
I hope that your husband can move past the denial. In my case, my husband refuses to budge. The fact that he would rather lose his family than give up his denial is mind boggling to me.
Hey I am in the same position
Submitted by kal11 on
Hey I am in the same position, I am also an RN and have a small child, my husband is also in denial and blames me for being no fun and a nagger when in reality I can't relax or have fun because I'm constantly worried about how my husband is going to act, if he's going to follow through with what I need him too, and I also worry about his impulsiveness and distraction when it comes to our son. I also am at a loss because he does not believe he has any issues and doesn't seem to have any desire to work on himself which honestly terrifies me because I cannot live this way forever. Anyways I feel like we have a lot in common and I could use someone to talk to that understands, if you ever want to exchange emails or phone number id be up to talking sometime, let me know!
Same here
Submitted by Phillipa on
Hi, joining this discussion a bit late but just to say that it is the same for me and my H too.
He does not truly understand the impact of his ADHD on me, our family, our social life, our sex life - none of it.
We have been married 40 years and I am carrying this huge burden of anger, frustration, resentment and grief for the marriage we could perhaps have had - if he had been diagnosed and treated.
At this point we are really just surviving - and with Covid and way too much time together at home things are worse than ever.
He is incredibly sensitive to criticism so 90% of the time I bite my tongue and don't react to things he does / doesn't do, but still when I do react he blows up and says things like "all you ever do is criticise me, I can't take it any more..."
He is constantly grumpy and angry and doesn't give out ANY positive happy vibes towards me or our family.
I am at such a low point.
Thanks for any support
Phillipa