I've been on this forum for years trying to find answers to help my ADHD husband and our marriage. I sit here with my eyes swollen in tears, my heart and mind battered beyond repair. All I want is peace and answers to why I had to go thru all this pain and suffering for in the end nothing to change and for me to be an emotional wreck when I was a happy, healthy stable beautiful girl?
Does anyone know what it feels like when your husband is addicted to porn and interaction with transvestites and escorts (when he has a supermodel joan of arc for a wife)?
Does anyone know what it feels like to have someone say they hate you everyday, you make them miserable and life was better without you?
Does anyone know what it feels when work 3 jobs while someone smokes weed all day and refuses to work?
Does anyone know what it feels like to be criticized, belitted and demoralized by someone you love? I'll spare the examples because there is too much to write.
Does anyone understand what it feels like for you own husband to say that no one will want to impregnate you?
Does anyone know how it feels when you find your ADHD spouse a doctor and then he says you never helped or supported him?
Does anyone know how it feels to get your head slammed into glass but the verbal and emotional abuse by someone you love hurts million times more?
This f*cking life isn't normal and know I'm the one angry, anxious and depressed. Why after I tried so hard someone you love would do this to you? I tried to help him and love this man who has hurt me beyond anything I could have imagined. I would never wish this upon anyone.
Anyone with severe ADHD combined with abusive tendencies fckn realize what you do to people that love you. I'm such a mess I can't even collect my thoughts but all I know is that its my turn for someone to support me.
Lots of hugs
Submitted by banaany on
I don't believe that such abuse you write about is normal for someone with ADHD. Of course losing temper and such is not uncommon, but I refuse to believe abuse to this extent is only coming from the adhd. I think ADHD interacts with the personality, but does not influence someone entirely. Sorry if I express my thoughts a little clumsily, but english is not my first language. This is not a healthy situation for you.
I believe it is important to seek help for YOURSELF right now. Start focusing on that. When I was done with all the hurt and I had touched the lowest low in my life I started focussing my attention on myself and not my partner. This has helped me greatly and even helped him too in other ways. I think it is very important for you to aim your attention at yourself now and not on your spouse. Seek comfort with friends, call your doctor or counselor and type everything you feel like you want to type here. I don't know you but I am deeply concerned about you after reading this. Please keep in mind that this kind of verbal and physical abuse is not only the ADHD. It kind of reminds me of narcissism, maybe you could research his behavior on the internet and make things clear for yourself.
Greetings and concern from Holland
Co-denpendency?
Submitted by loosing myself ... on
I see so much pain in this forum from so many, pain that is not unfamiliar to me. Blaming ourselves and beating ourselves up about why we cannot do better. Why we can't change the person that we love? I have been reading a book, for the second time actually, called "Codependent No More", by Melody Beattie. I read it the first time a couple of years ago, knowing that something in there was about me, that it was familiar, that I could identify with it, although most often codependency is linked to having partners with alcohol or chemical dependency. Its basically a rescuing behaivor, and a way of loosing oneself by trying to take on and solve the problems of another (or several others) that we love and continuing in a cycle over and over of becoming more and more down trodden. This can come from relationships with chemically dependent spouses, but also from persons with other compulsions such as gambling, sex addiction, personality disorders, emotional abusers, physical abusers, basically anyone that we feel we can somehow "save" or "fix". The more I am learning about ADHD, I'm seeing that many with the disorder, especially those that have gone years without a diagnosis and lived with not understanding the problem, develop comorid conditions, other psychological or addictive problems in trying to deal with their inner turmoil, or perhaps some have had a difficult life in addition to the ADHD and have just grown to become dysfunctional adults from sadly difficult backgrounds which have contributed to their problems. I feel that many that have struggled for so long and endured so much pain and suffering in a relationship with an ADHDer,that I see posting on this forum may also be dealing with codendency within themselves and not even be aware of it.
I wanted to share a part of the book here with you that I found I particullary helpful in dealilng with my pain and understanding that I do not have to be responsible for someone else's problems, and how those problems have affected me for years without me even realizing how profoundly. These are some quotes from "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattue, coming from the pages 130-133:
"Codependents never know what to expect, particularly if we are in a close relationship with an alcoholic, a drug addict, a criminal, a gambler, or any other person with a serious problem or compulsive disorder. We are bombarded by problems, losses, and change. We endure shattered windows, missed appointments, broken promises and outright lies. We lose financial security, emotional security, faith in the people we love, faith in God, and faith in ourselves. We may lose our physical well-being, our material goods, our ability to enjoy sex, our reputation, our social life, our career, our self-control, our self-esteem, and ourselves.
"Some of us lose respect for and trust in the people we love. Sometimes we even lose our love for and our commitment to a person we once loved. This is common. It is a natural, normal consequence of the disease. Love cannot exist without the dimension of justice. Love must also have compassion which means to bear with or to suffer with a person. Compassion does not mean to suffer because of the injustice of a person. Yet injustice is often suffered repeatedly by families of alcoholics (or persons with other addictions, compulsions, or personality disorders/dysfunctions).
"Even though this injustice is common, it makes it no less painful. Betrayal can be overwhelming when someone we love does things that deeply hurt us. Perhaps the most painful loss many codependents face is the loss of our dreams, the hopeful and sometimes idealistic expectations for the future that most people have. This loss can be the most difficult to accept..."
"Our dreams didn't include this. On our wedding day, we had dreams. The future with our beloved was full of wonder and promise. This was the start of something great, something loving, something we had long hoped for. The dreams and promises may have been spoken or unspoken but for most of us, they were there. The dreams were there. Many of us held on for so long, clutching those dreams through one loss and disappointment after another. We flew in the face of realtiy, shaking these dreams at the truth, refusing to believe or accept anything less. But one day the truth caught up to us, and refused to be put off any longer. This wasn't what we wanted, planned on, asked for, or hoped for. It never would be. The dream was dead, and it would never breathe again.
"Some of us may have had our dreams and hopes crushed. Some of us may be facing the failure of something extremely important such as a marriage or another important relationship. There is a lot of pain at the prospect of losiong love or losing the dreams we had. There is nothing we can say to make that less painful or to lessen our grief. It hurts deeply to have our dreams destroyed by alcoholism or any other problem.
"The losses many codependents must face daily and accept are enormous and ongoing. They are not the usual problems and losses most people encounter as a part of normal living. These are losses and problems which are caused by people we care about. Although the problems are a direct result of an illness, condition, or compulsive disorder, they may appear as deliberate and malicious acts. We are suffering at the hands of someone we loved and trusted. We are continually off balance, struggling to accept changes and problems. We don't know what to expect or when to expect it. It doesn't matter that our hopes were falsely based on wishful thinking that the problem would magically go away. Crushed hopes are crushed hopes. Disappointments are disappointments. Lost dreams are dead dreams and the all bring pain.
"We have too much to accept; our present circumstances are overwhelming. Frequently, we are so caught up in crises and chaos trying to solve other people's problems that we're too busy to worry about accepting anything. Yet we must sometime come to terms with what is. If things are ever to be any different, we must accept reality. If we are ever to replace our lost dreams with new dreams and feel sane and peaceful again, we must accept reality. Please understand acceptance does not mean adaptation. It doesn't mean resignation to the sorry and miserable way things are. It doesn't mean accepting or tolerating any sort of abuse. It means, for the present moment, we acknowledge and accept our circumstances, including ourselves and the people in our live, as we and they are. It is only from that state that we have the peace and ability to evaluate the circumstances and make appropriate changes, and solve our problems. A person who is being abused will not make the decisions necessary to stop that abuse until he or she acknowledges the abuse.
"Codendents cannot change until we accept our codependent characteristics- our powerlessness over people, alcoholism, and other circumstances we have so desperately tried to control. Acceptance is the ultimate paradox: we cannot change who we are until we accept ourselves the way we are."
That is all I will quote. I recommend this book to anyone that sees themselves in these words. I know that was somewhat long, but I feel like if I could help even just one person on this forum recognize themselves here and begin to be able to heal themselves and let go off their pain, it is worth typing all of those words. For some reason I was feeling very compelled to share that. I know that it does not apply to everyone dealing with the issue of ADHD, but I feel it does apply to many that are dealing with other problems in relationships that stem from and grow out of the ADHD. I hope this will not offend anyone here. That was definitely not my goal.
codependency
Submitted by brendab on
Frequently, we are so caught up in crises and chaos trying to solve other people's problems that we're too busy to worry about accepting anything. Yet we must sometime come to terms with what is. If things are ever to be any different, we must accept reality. If we are ever to replace our lost dreams with new dreams and feel sane and peaceful again, we must accept reality.
Loosing myself,
Codependency is a trap that many women do not see coming. then they get into a mental and emotional loop. If you don't stop the codependency, nothing will change. You must use introspection and determine what you will do different because YOU matter. Let me share some counseling advice. My counselor said, "your husband misbehaves, you are hurt, angry and very verbal about it, then he puts on the "i'm sorry" attitude and you CAVE."
This is what codependents do. to change this pattern he told me to NEVER CAVE again no matter what my ex husband said. I was not to believe a word he said, but base all my decisions on actions alone. Like your quote says I accepted "REALITY" and decided I MATTERED. If I did not believe I mattered then how would anyone else? If you can just step out of the emotion and see things as they really are, you can then make some different choices about how you deal with ADD. But it is really hard to face how you have contributed to your own pain without intending to. I read this book 3 years ago. thanks for posting this.
brenda
Understanding
Submitted by Xoxi on
Hello Hope09, hello all of you:
I've seen-as someone said before-so much pain in this foru. Not because it is about ADHD couples, but I think it is about problems of marriage in general.
When I talk to my friends I see the same problems with different colors: destructive relationships. Most wives become in codependents of our husbands. We have to deal with that.
How to start? How to leave them and say "stop" ?
One more thing: to hope 9
Submitted by Xoxi on
What do you mean when said "Does anyone know what it feels like when your husband is addicted to porn and interaction with transvestites and escorts (when he has a supermodel joan of arc for a wife)?"
I think your husband have a very poor image of women in general and it is because his relationship with his memory of motherhood. (It happens with my husband and he is recovering from that).
Why a man with heterosexual orientation could find travestis ? Are you sure he is not homosexual?
Hope, feel better :)
Xoxi
Great Advice
Submitted by robinshusband on
One sure way to help someone with ADHD is to keep telling them and make them believe they are liars...
Could you elaborate on this?
Submitted by banaany on
Could you elaborate on this?
I'll try
Submitted by robinshusband on
My wife and I are ending a marriage of 20 years because I had undiagnosed ADHD and wasn't able to provide her the dreams and hopes she wanted, or felt the family needed. She has co-dependency tendencies and she blames 100% of that on me. So she needs to find herself, I really do hope she does. Now that I'm the going to counseling, taking meds, knowing what my issues are and am dealing with them it is still nice to be thought of as a liar and a person who never did anything, and controlled everything by the person you loved the most in your life <slight sarcasm here folks>.
She has to find herself, and she feels she lost it because of me. She is right about one thing, I'll never understand why she couldn't make her own decisions, have friends, or tell me enough was enough when I did things that hurt our relationship soon enough that they could be fixed, I know she did try years ago...but I didn't listen and I guess she somehow couldn't try hard enough.
What is bad is the only way for us to each get healthy is to do it without the other one being in each other’s life as a partner. Yet what we both want out of life is exactly the same thing and we both now know how to do it but the hurt, anger, lack of trust on both of our parts will not allow us to try and make it work. She can't do it and to be honest I can't either.
This is an excerpt I read quite awhile back...so my opinion on co-dependency may include some of the info below, but not all. I do know the things expressed below help cause my ADHD mind to react in very negative ways.
Codependents are the ultimate example of a Persecution Complex description. They always feel victimized, oppressed, and self-sacrificial. Although co-dependents may feel they give an inordinate amount of responsibility, obligation, and worry for another and mistakenly feel like they are giving, giving, giving, in reality they are actually taking, taking, taking. The only thing a co-dependent person wants to hear from her unappreciative (of course, this is usually in her imagination) spouse is the words "I feel so guilty about everything you do for me".
However, in reality, co-dependents do very little for the healthy betterment of their relationships, or the wholeness and completeness of their lives. Whereas they think they are doing for everyone, they are actually doing for themselves. Every time they can feel over-giving and under-appreciated (their main goal), they climb higher up in their Ivory Tower and feel justified in hugging themselves while they hang from their self-imposed crucifix. Co-dependents appear to be very poor givers, so wrapped up in their imagined glories and self-sacrifices that they never really, truly give genuine love and care just for the simple reason of giving it and not for the real reason behind why they do give and give. And what is that reason you ask? Co-dependents give only for two causes and one reason; to cause 'self-pity', and to cause’ manipulation' of those around him, for the reason of being able to embrace, nurture, and love themselves, and to feel safe and secure..
I understand this is an extreme thinking, but to my ADHD mind, I can tell you at times I've felt those things coming from my spouse. I don't know if there is a more perfect storm then ADHD and Co-Dependency. I think one can make the other worse, but I don't believe my ADHD caused the Co-Dependency and I don't believe her Co-Dependency caused my ADHD...they just magnified one another.
Here is the great thing! Since I am ADHD all of this will be seen as me not taking responsibility for my ADHD...that is far from the truth. I have accepted it, I am working on it, I go to a psychiatrist, a psychologist, take several meds, and have made many behavioral changes. What I've learned is only I can fix it myself and I'm doing it. In the process though I can't have others do it for me...so I have to be selfish...which some of those around me see it as "I still don't get it" and I never will.
IT REALLY SUCKS!
I"ve read some books on Co-dependancy
Submitted by Sueann on
and I don't feel it applies to all non-ADHD spouses married to those of you who are. Here are my questions:
1. From Robin's posts I see that you are the typical ADHD "have to have it now" kind of person who spend money you didn't have on stuff for yourself and your kids didn't have furniture. If she pushes you to provide for your kids, is she co-dependant? Should she just run out and get 2 or 3 jobs so she can support you and provide adequately for your kids?
2. What exactly are we supposed to do when the ADHD member of the couple refuses to do anything in the house? If we pick up after them and keep order, we're co-dependant, if we don't, we have bugs in our house.
3. If the ADHD member won't work (often the case) and we pick up the slack and pay the rent so we don't get evicted, we're co-dependant. If we don't pay the rent, we're homeless.
So it seems like we're "damned if we do and damned if we don't." Couples are meant to depend on each other. He cooks, I wash the dishes, he does the laundry and I do the mending, etc. Why is it so bad to want to depend on our partners to work, keep promises, and face the ugly and non-stimulating aspects of life that we all have to face: Rent must be paid, someone has to take the car to get the oil changed, if you don't mow the lawn you can get evicted, etc. Why do you expect to do all the fun things while we do all the scutwork?
OK...so let's be clear.
Submitted by robinshusband on
Let me be very clear, I am terrible at managing money and have made horrible mistakes that I've also done everything in my power to try and fix, most of the time I've felt I was the only one trying to fix them. Even when the mistakes were not mine I took ownership to try and fix it. I've not been a great husband or father by Gods, mine or Robins standards.
I contributed to where she is today, but I don't belive I put her there by myself. I also belive there is a way to fix this with me in our home, she doesn't. I understand and as much as I don't want that I accept it. I'm not ready to go back to the way things were either. Living with someone who is co-dependent is not very healthy for anyone, much less someone with ADHD.
1. My family has never "needed" anything, I also spent money we didn't have on the family, big house, furniture, television, bedroom furniture for my wife, vacations, ect. Yes I spent it on stupid things for me as well! I have always made good money, I've never once asked her to do more financially or take on more then she was willing, at times I suggested and hoped she would, those were her decisions. At times she did and at times she was not able. They have had a nice roof over there heads, driven reliable vehicles (with the exception of a 2 year period in our early 20's) often brand new ones. The only thing my wife can use as an example of where I have not provided material things for my children is "nice bedroom furniture". They have had bedroom furniture and they've chosen to throw out the box springs because they wanted the mattress on the floor, could they have had really nice furniture? Sure? So let me see...both girls have iMacs, iphones, nice clothes, tv's in there room, I bought my daughter a nice car by working on the side, she pays no insurance or gas (yes her mother helps with that), recently she did $900 worth of damage to it that I took care of to fix. My youngest has several guitars, and "plenty" of things! I hear "I never do anything" and then I also hear I spoil them rotten by giving them money, buying them things, or getting them everything they want. You can't have it both ways, yes my wife helped as much as she could. Yes I did spend money I spend nice things on me, and I've learned from that mistake and not done it in years.....let me tell you years! I also agree my wife has sacrificed more then any woman should. I know for a fact I have handed her cash money in the past and told her to go spend it on herself and she didn't, she spent it on the kids. She loves doing that and I love that she does it...but how is that my fault? The kids have more then either of us!
2. Sorry...but for years I worked 60-80 hours a week and sometimes 7 days per week while my wife stayed at home with our children, I resented it yet I also was very glad she could be at home with them to raise them, she is an amazing mother. She kept the house very clean and is wonderful mother, I wish I could have done more but somewhere in my mind I felt the responsibilities were being shared. I always took care of the cars, the lawn, home repairs (maybe not perfect), majority of income, but I was NEVER such a mess that we would ever have bugs in our home! I was and still am what I would call "messy". Never to the extreme that I would be ashamed about having a friend or family over to visit! Yes on occasion I would help out around the house, not enough, and when I did I was accused of doing it because I wanted romance.
3. I have always had a job, yes many but I've worked my entire married life, I'm just not good at managing money. That did cause major pain!
If my wife is honest she will tell you I love my children and have given them everything they ask for and more!
I simply did not know how to show my wife how much I loved her.....as well in the last 15 years I can't remember one time where she on her own told me she loved me unless I said it first. I'm sorry but that creates a tremendous amount of resentment and pain! What sucks is I chose the wrong way to deal with it...at least now I know how to deal with it in the future..sadly it cost me my wife.
Sorry
Submitted by Sueann on
The things I wrote about were my experiences with my husband's ADD, and some things your wife mentioned in her posts. They are my reality. You call me codependant if you want, but those stories happened to me. Seems like I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't. If I don't work, we don't eat, if I do, I'm codependant. My husband made $4000 one year. How could we survive if I had only worked one job?
He is so full of it, and full
Submitted by loosing myself ... on
He is so full of it, and full of himself. He's had jobs for most of the duration of our marriage, but a lot of them have been really crappy ones, and he's lost several jobs, none ever by any fault of his own, because he can never take any responsibility for anything that he might ever do wrong. Even police officers that pull him over and give him tickets, they are all assholes that don't know what they are talking about because there is no chance that he EVER deserved any of the tickets that he has gotten. And the only reason that our house was never dirty enough to get bugs, was because I constantly had to pick up after him. He left dirty dishes and glasses all over the house. He was filthy in the bathroom, never cleaned up after himself, when he did make a feeble attempt at cleaning the kitchen on occasion, it was so he could get laid, and even then crumbs would still be all over the counters, and he would always miss something that needed to be washed and anything he could get away with soaking so he didn't have to wash it, it would soak for a year if I didn't get to it. I have an amazing amount more of free time now that I don't have to go around picking up after him all over the house. He would come home from work before me, be sitting watching tv or playing video games, while I took care of everything around the house, the laundry, the kids homework, the dinner, clean the kitchen, when the kids were younger, getting them their baths, and putting them to bed. He would just sit and never even think that MAYBE he could get off of his a-- and help me out a little. And now he wonders why I have so much anger and resentment. And all the problems in the relationship are my fault for not kicking him in the butt and making him do what he was supposed to be doing??? Really??? He's not an adult that can figure out how to do his share of things??
And money? Please, he always bought himself the best of everything any time he wanted something. Our credit cards have been maxed out more times than I can count. Try a Corvette with an $800 a month car payment that we couldn't afford, along with two other car payments. Do you think my kids have any money put back for college? No. Do we have anything put back for anything?? Retirement? Emergencies? No. The Corvettee is just one example. I could come up with 100 others if I wanted to sit here at this computer all night. I could write pages and pages of shit that he has put me through, but really according to his source, its all my fault. I just want to put myself in a maurder position, that is why I've been taking antidepressants for the last 12 years and have bordered on suicidal at times, because I only think of myself and how to make myself look good. I'm done with this forum. I was coming here to try to learn something about my husband's disorder. He comes here and uses my name in his screen name. Nice. I won't be back anymore. I have better things to spend my time on then read about what a selfish witch I am and how I try to manipulate people to get what I want. Better ways of spending my time like getting my divorce papers in order, and working on getting myself healthy after being beaten into the ground for the last 20 years by his narcissitic tendencies. Good luck to all of you that are dealing with this in your marriages. It is a living hell.
Psychologist?
Submitted by loosing myself ... on
Yeah and all the work he is doing on himself with the psychiatrist, and psychologist, and medication, MY INSURANCE at MY JOB that I've had for 9 years is paying for all of that. Because he can't get a job that would give decent benefits, I've been the one that has to carry the insurance for years. Before that, there were a number of years that we had NO insurance.
I wish
Submitted by robinshusband on
I wish I could take back the crap I wrote today.
I guess the only good thing is I've made her so mad she can actually decide to put me out of her life.
I wish the forum folks would delete all my writings!
You Meant it
Submitted by loosing myself ... on
I'm pretty sure you meant all of it. I'm glad you were finally able to get all of that off your chest. You must feel much better now.
Loosing myself, I didn't mean to cause you more pain
Submitted by Sueann on
I agree that him using your name in his "handle" violates your privacy. His statements were so self-serving, I just had to answer him. I doubt if you're co-dependant because you kept it all together for you and your kids, any more than I am. Best of luck to you.
Thank you Sueann
Submitted by loosing myself ... on
I am indeed co-dependent, I am sure of it, but being co-dependent is not that sick, twisted description that he got from God knows where. It must have come from a book written by a sick and abusive person that could not take any responsibility for themselves and wanted to blame everything on the co-dependent partner.
That whole post sort of reminds me of a man that beats his wife/girlfriend, kicks her a few more times after she's down, and then tells her its all her fault. She is the one that made him do it. If she didn't act the way she did he wouldn't have to beat her. But then later he comes back and apologizes and tells her how sorry he is and he loves her and it will never happen again. We all know how that story ends don't we?
I probably did
Submitted by robinshusband on
In many of those moments where I struggle with trying to understand all of this I probably did pull it from somewhere that twist things the way "I wanted to hear it".
Again, I wish I had not posted it....another example of why we or at least me are broken because of what I allow myself to think about.
Wish I could change a lot of things...this is one of many.
I don't know
Submitted by robinshusband on
No, I didn't mean it....and I feel horrible. Today I wanted to meet with you and somehow show you how the future would be better for both of us, apart from one another....the decision to do that and be that ate me up all day....it was my anger, anger that I've allowed the last 20 years to get to this point. I was not taking responsibility so I chose to put it on you. There is no one who deserves it, the mother of my children do not deserve it.
I wish sorry meant something, I've said it so many times I know it doesn't.
But I am sorry.
P.S. The anger was that I was mad at myself for allowing this to get to where it has for 20 years. It really doesn't matter who did what, what matters is as the man of the house I should have at some point been smart enough to know what was really going on and do something about it. I hate myself for that....I really hate myself for it.
Thank you
Submitted by hope09 on
Thank you for taking the time to write down all of these quotes and share your thoughts. It's very helpful and I will be doing my homework on it. I was living on a hope and dream and the reality is that my husband is very sick and all the love and care in the world can't change him.
The next day got even worse and when I rejected his apologies he was outraged and it was terrifying. He threatened me and my family. The hard part is, he can't control his behavior and outbursts and realizes it after its too late. He doesn't act like nothing happened he is fully aware of it. I want to forgive and help him but its dangerous for me since he's not stable. Reality is, I have not caused this nor can I fix it. I'm trying to move because the only control I have is over myself, my well being, my happiness and my future. I will always love my husband but its time for peace in my life.
As for the other entry, my husband is not gay. It's a pebble on the mountain and I was trying to make a point. My husband came from an abusive home and he has ADHD on top of it and god know what else. It's not worth the explanation bc its way too long and complex. If I didn't think he loved me at all I wouldn't have tried...I wouldn't have married him! I know him better then he knows himself and that's why I'm moving on.
Please don't lose sight of
Submitted by jules on
Please don't lose sight of looking after yourself first. It sounds like your husband has serious problems, and you can't fix them for him (as much as you might like to). Go after that peace in your life with everything you have - you deserve it!
Therapy
Submitted by Ev on
I think robinshusband needs more therapy. He says he understands what he has done to his wife, but he does not have even an inkling of what she has gone through. I have been married thirty-four years and have heard so many "I am sorry" until I can not and will not believe them anymore. There comes a time when you have to start living for yourself. He says he now understands his ADHD, but how is he changing anything. He is STILL blaming his wife for everything. I know it was a big step for him to acknowledge his ADHD, but one of the problems of having ADHD is not accepting responsibility for your actions. It is always someone else's fault.
I agree
Submitted by robinshusband on
Ev,
I agree it comes across this way, and I do need more and am in more. And yes I do feel my wife has some responsibility in what has happened in our 20 years. I am in therapy and will continue as long as I can. Understand part of the problem has been I've taken on so much blame over the past 3 months that I've almost not been able to function. In fact, I've taken so much my therapist has had to explain while yes I'm ADHD I can't ignore I was not all of the problem, yes the core of the problem.
I have weak moments, and yesterday was one of them.
I do understand and take ownership.
Robinshusband, if I may make a suggestion
Submitted by Aspen on
you seem to have an issue with ranting here a bit, really offending your wife, and then recanting it all and apologizing.
This is not helpful to you or to your wife, who you may well have run off of this site where she came for comfort. It is just a hurtful and painful thing to do. I believe that you and she can benefit us all by CALMLY telling opposite sides of the same story. It is good for us all to see that issues have at least 3 sides: her side, your side, and the real truth. Sometimes we all get lost in our own point of view. It would be awesome to me if she posted how she sees an issue, and then you gave us the same issue from your side.
Unfortunately what is happening is that you seem to only have 2 settings. 1. Robinshusband takes all the blame. or 2. Robinshusband defends that he was really a great husband all these years and just made a few mistakes. These 2 sides CANNOT coexist, and likely the blame lies somewhere in the middle. You end up posting a long rant, causing her to be furious and post a long rebuttal, then you apologize and take everything back and promise not to post here anymore. Then you post a long rant........rinse, repeat. It is frankly uncomfortable to read as well as unhelpful to you and to her.
Do you even realize how many times you have broken your stated promise to not post here any more? And I am not even saying I don't want you to post since I do think you have a valuable viewpoint when you aren't talking completely out your buttocks (sorry possibly that is only a southern saying ) , but you keep saying over and over you aren't going to do it and then you do it. EXACTLY part of her problem with you. Can you see that?
Anyway, I have a suggestion to help you hopefully avoid the ranting and then regretting your post. How about when you want to make a long post , you first type it out and save it in a document on your computer. Then sit on it for a length of time. At least as long as it normally takes you to regret it. A couple hours or overnight or whatever. Then re-read it at the end of that time and decide if it is still what you want to say AND also if it is also the way you want to say it.
What you are doing now is not in any way helping you with your goal of keeping your family together. You are enraging your wife and even you are saying that you aren't telling the truth in what you are saying that is upsetting her so much. YOU HAVE TO CONTROL THIS if only for yourself.
You make sense....
Submitted by robinshusband on
Aspen,
The challenge is both of us have held back on lots of things we feel, then in the heat of the moment I know I say things I shouldn't. I suspect she might feel the same way, then again she might not, and I don't blame her.
I will always wonder if professional help would have saved our marriage, I doubt it. As well I wish I'd never brought our problems here or even learned of this site, with the exception it showed me I have ADHD. Because of my ADHD any solution I suggested has been seen as controlling and manipulative and yes it was, it was this way because I wanted to keep the women I love and my family together. I've never been in this situation so sadly I've had to learn the hard way, I've done it all wrong.
Yes I do realize how many times I have not wanted to post here, and wish I had not. What usually happens is I over react to something that happened between us and then yes I vent it here. You are right it is driving her crazy, and I come across at times as a complete idiot. I wish I could take it back but I can't. What I've said is since I learned I have ADHD is I'm doing everything to work on it, I have many close friends who are helping me, I wish one of them was the love of my life but I've hurt her so much that she can't...she can't help and she can no longer be that to me or me to her, this is because of how she feels I've hurt her over the years, and she has lost herself.
For what it is worth there has not been one occasion that I have not taken responsibility for what damage I have done in our marriage nor neglected doing everything in my power to work on my problem now that I know I have a disease. I do not blame my wife for the things I've done...I never have, yes I have anger about things that have made me unhappy as does she, how could I not? We are ending a 20 year marriage? I don't think that is wrong. What is wrong is how I've dealt with it. In working on my problem I'm better but by no means am I still not making stupid mistakes, I probably always will..I always have.....at least I hope less often. Who knows, this post may be another one of those stupid mistakes.
We as a couple have never together sat down with a 3rd party to work on our marriage, yes I'm sorry but that frustrates me and angers me, and I am sorry but it will make her mad because she feels I blame her for that. I do believe we both have issues that needed to be resolved if we were to ever fix our marriage, sadly that just never could take place. I know it was my fault for not creating an environment where she felt comfortable going down that road, where someone might be able to help us, I just didn't allow that to happen for her, and I'm not blaming her for that now, I have in the past, as recent as yesterday, in moments of anger I'll probably blame her again...I'm not perfect. I understand I've caused pain that can't be healed or fixed so there is nothing left for me to do but take care of myself, let her go and move on with my life and her with hers. Yes there are two sides....both sides are in incredible pain, have tremendous hurt, and deep resentment. Yes, somewhere in the middle lies the truth. So now..neither of us can get to the middle as husband and wife, maybe we can as friends. I hope so for the sake or our children.
The last thing I want to do is make her more angry at me or hurt her, at this point the marriage can't be saved yet I don't want to hurt her any longer. Now the best I can hope for is she will forgive me for what I've done in our marriage, and for things I've said on here that have caused her in turn to react in anger as well.
I may post her again, and I may not. I have said a prayer asking God to give me the strength to never say another word that hurts Robin again, I'm not perfect and I'm sure I will do it again.
Thank you for taking the time to write your comments. Sadly I'm another example of a man with ADHD that ruined a marriage, family and beautiful women. The good thing is she is strong, smart, and very independent. It may take time but she will heal.