Hi everyone,
I am new to the subject of ADHD and marriage, and new to the idea that my husband has ADHD, but the more I read the more sense it makes. I hope to find comradery and hope from those of you out there who have been/are in these shoes. It is a terrible feeling to feel alone in the battle, and to question if the problem is you, your husband, or both. We have been together for over 7 years, but we have been married for just over 6 months.
I am a senior medical student graduating in May, and my career definitely takes a "type-A" personality in order to function well. I value punctuality, structure, and organization. My husband possesses none of those qualities, and I find myself overwhelmingly frustrated with him almost regularly. I can only rely on him to be UNreliable. He is ALWAYS late, forgets tasks unless I nag him to get them done, etc. etc. I think he tries very hard, but I just can't wrap my head around why he can't complete these trivial tasks. My trust in him is almost non-existent, so I end up doing it myself. The most sore subject (at least for the moment) is finances, because he doesn't make much money and I am living on student loans. We have also been a long-distance couple since I started medical school 3 years ago, so I fear that we will have even more turmoil when we begin to merge our everyday lives in a few months.
Things get particularly bad when I confront him about something that he hasn't done, or something I worry he will forget to do. He either gets mad that I don't trust him, or I get mad because he tries to make more promises to "fix it" (and I don't believe he will follow through). I often feel like a bad guy because of how frustrated and untrusting I get, or guilty because deep down I know he's trying. Despite this feeling like a "bad guy", I can't help but feel justified because he is truly unreliable.
I am now in a state of depression over this, and after last night I feel like divorce might be a real option (I know, only 6 months into the marriage!). He needed to use my credit card a few months ago for a very large repair to be done on his vehicle (about $1500), and he PROMISED it would be paid off in about 4 months. He convinced me that he had the payments budgeted in, and he would give me a payment monthly. I felt uncomfortable using my credit card because of all the student debt I already have (and because of his track record), but I reluctantly agreed. Six months later, I have only seen one payment that I nagged him for. An argument about this took place last night because he has devised a "new plan" to make the payments, and I can't bring myself to trust that it will get done. My trust is totally gone.
I go back and forth wondering if I am being too harsh, or if I am justified in my total frustration. Any advice would be greatly appreciated, and I can fill in more info if I was unclear about anything. I don't want to end this relationship, but I can't live with this anymore.
Welcome to our world
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
AHopelessFeeling,
Hello. I understand your frustration. Hopefully you can find some ideas and help in the pages of this forum. Some of us have been or still are in the exact spot you find yourself.
I don't want to end this relationship, but I can't live with this anymore. I get this! I really do.
Liz
My advice--get out now. I
Submitted by dvance on
My advice--get out now. I know that sounds really cold and harsh, but trust me--it only gets worse. I have been married to an ADHD person for 20 years. Two kids and all those years--way harder to get out than in your case. You have a busy, exciting, successful career ahead of you. Why oh why would you want to be saddled with a child at home? Because that is what an ADHD husband is like-a child. The money thing especially--I cannot even tell you how much money my husband has cost us/wasted. It's insane. If someone had shown me a crystal ball what life would be like now, I HOPE I would have run screaming for the hills and not gotten married. The happy moments are not worth the frustration.
DITTO
Submitted by CosmicJoke on
DVANCE (alas) described my reality--and advice--EXACTLY. It is chilling to see how these patterns repeat, isn't it? I wish that weren't so, but...
Your anguish strikes a particularly resonant chord, because, after 20 years of marriage, I am still amazed that my husband lacked the ability to see he'd married an accomplished woman who could bring so much to the relationship--including money, to be spent lovingly on a beautiful, shared life. Instead of helping me pursue my career in an atmosphere of peace and stability, he brought chaos, irresponsibility, needless financial losses, humiliation, and constant, constant stress. This has taken its toll in ways I'd never have imagined on my wedding day. (That's not completely true--alarms were going off in my smart head--even then--but I couldn't process them, since I didn't understand ADHD and hyperfocus and other aspects of ADHD personality and behavior being exhibited by someone who was simultaneously shouting from the rooftops how much he loved me.)
Take pride in what you have accomplished.
But know you cannot fix or heal this man.
If he loves you, HE will accept the challenge of truly seeing himself and working on understanding his disability. He may need to hit rock bottom to do so. Staying married may prevent him from doing so (people do get remarried...) You may also have to face the possibility that, if free, he may stumble on to the next enabling woman. I am sorry you chose love but found yourself in a harsher place. Will it get any better once the honeymoon is over and there are children and mortgages and career pressures to deal with (on your own)?
He's married a DOCTOR...about to leap into the challenging and stressful years of establishing herself...and this is how he shows support? Doesn't he realize what a catch you are? Do you realize that, dear woman?
As a newcomer. . . . .
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
AHopelessFeeling,
As a newcomer, I believe you came to find alternatives and suggestions. You are at the early stages of marriage and seem to be blessed with a lot of knowledge of ADHD. When you read any of my posts, they are coming from a woman who is married 30 years, discovered our son's ADHD at 3rd grade, and also I saw my spouse's at that time. He, however, denied and fought the idea until his diagnosis at The Cleveland Clinic within the past 5 years.
I cannot turn back the clock and think my marriage would be different/better if I knew this stuff all along. With eyes wide open, there is plenty of possibilities.
For me, with years and years of poor patterns of behavior, by both of us, I am still hanging on that thread of possibility that he will say, "What can I do to help make this better?" As of today, he is working with an ADHD coach. I LONG for the day he may say, "I see how this hurt you, what can I do to help us change this pattern." Right now, he may see some of his behaviors, yet he still chooses to toss all the blame at 'my responses to his behavior.' "I'm sorry" is a start, but it is not a magic wand that erases deep hurts the instant it is waved. The patterns of behavior need to be changed. Hearing "I am sorry" is truly nice. Followed by a tongue lashing, sorta ruins it.
I see my spouse's frustration as to why what he believes is the correct thing, is not helping improve communication.
I saw a moment of understanding the other day, than he snarled at me, "Ya got me on that one." I was not attempting to 'get him.' I was simply trying to get him to see that the chain of events in our having a fence installed, stopped when he called the company and told them not to come out. We - my spouse and I - had discussed every step of the new fence - until that final one. He decided on his own to call and cancel the appointment. He is stuck on the issue of "I did not cancel the fence. We couldn't afford it so we did not need it." I am frustrated that he micro managed the whole idea - that was mine to start out with - and took over. As I said, patterns of behavior.
Harsh. Hard for this lady to overlook/get-past, as these things really piss me off already. I want a partner. I want conflict resolution. I need a way to discuss current relevant issues - without having him crumble, and start the old song of "I did this, and I did that, and now you gotta complain about one little thing." Sigh. Crazi-making.
Liz
I met my husband between
Submitted by Strangebird on
I met my husband between undergrad and law school, but I had 3 kids and their father (I'd put him through med school and he left and didn't support us) had nothing to do with them and didn't support us financially at all. So my kids were sucked into the honeymoon stage also, and I never got out. Even worse I adopted two more children with him. If your H is not diagnosed and being treated then leave. My H will pay lip service to a diagnosis of "anxiety" but has yet to see a psychiatrist for meds and keeps tryng to cut me out of all counseling sessions, refusing to accept that they're for my benefit as well as his.
Because I'm stronger, more organized, and don't struggle with the ADD brain, I get saddled with everything. At first I was angry that he was clueless about our finances, and eventually said to myself "pick your battles". Well now, I'm in a sexless parent/child relationship and I'm sick of it. And after 21 years of hearing that he's going to divorce me I said go ahead and don't let the door hit you on the way out! But he won't leave, and since he knows I won't beg him to stay he takes all of his anxiety and anger out on our 11 year old by being verbally abusive and accusing me of giving the 11 year old special treatment. He's now started inflicting the same ADD behaviors, which I consider abuse, on my 11 year old because I've stopped taking it and confronted him on it.
And now I have 2 young kids who are afraid to see their dad go, even though they know their house would be better without all this yelling and fighting. When I started to try to save this mess, fight for my rights and what I needed, I was saying "you've been doing this to me for 20 years", and now I'm saying 23 years. If he's not been diagnosed, is not in treatment, and is not medicating successfully on his own and willingly, then run for the hills. Because eventually, you'll also have to factor in the cost of him "sticking by your side & putting you through medical school" or "being a better parent because he's home with the kids more" when both of those statements are crap, and you're afraid every second from the time the bus pulls up until you're able to get out of the office and go home.
Get Out
Submitted by NotAnIdiot on
I am an ADHD afflicted husband, married 30 years to a wonderful woman. Diagnosed 3.5 years ago, struggling with severe relationship issues for the past 10-15 yrs. Recently my long-suffering wife said, " if I had only known that this is what I was in for, I never would have signed up." I have tried desperately to overcome it with only marginal success. I am seriously thinking of a separation because I don't want to put her through any more of this. You are hereby warned.