I need some help or advice from you all who have gained wisdom over time! I'm panicking and not sure where to turn.
My husband finally got diagnosed last week (it's been years in the pipeline). I'm 34 weeks pregnant with our second and I have a 2 year old (who has had a lot of behavioural issues).
I carry the whole family and I'm soo terrified of what's going to happen once this baby is born and if I'm going to be able to cope with still doing everything or it's going to finally break me/us. We have no family support. Im trying to put together some kind of support plan for myself (our first 2 years with our son were so so tough) but my husband seems to have no warning lights going off in his head. The medication seems to be working but only during his working hours and he's right back to not knowing left from right when he's around us. So many careless mistakes, not taking responsibility even for himself and so much defensiveness.
We've tried so many different therapists over the 10 years we've been together - couples therapy, individual anxiety therapy etc. but he just doesn't implement the strategies/follow through. He seems to know what he needs to do in theory but just doesn't do it. He doesn't input into our marriage, doesn't step up to parent our son and just struggles to keep up with daily life or manage himself. I just feel like I can't rely on or trust him anymore. I'm so so exhausted from being let down and having to pick up the pieces after the things he does multiple times a day whilst juggling everything else on my own. I just don't know how I can keep going like this. But I've also got no other option it seems. It's maddening and I have no one around who would understand. Please offer me some wise words
He isn't going to become more helpful
Submitted by adhd32 on
Start shoring up your support system. Try to find a young high schooler who loves babies to come by to assist for a few hours per day as a mother's helper. You have to stop hoping he will change. See him for the person he is right now. This is who he is. A second baby is usually a tipping point for an ADHD spouse. He isn't interested in changing and will remain in whatever state he desires, you cannot make him see the error of his ways because he doesn’t care enough to do the work in order to change. Sometimes a threat of of the Non leaving will wake up the ADHD spouse but once the crisis has past they slip right back into their old ways. Consider that this is the best he will be. You are in a very tough space right now. I'm sorry. He isn't likely to change unless he is actively working on himself. Unfortunately there is no other answer.
ADHD ability
Submitted by Swedish coast on
I empathize with you, pregnancy is a difficult time to feel let down and alone with responsibilities.
From your post I get the sense your husband is struggling hard to even keep himself going. I have seen this in my ex husband too. Sadly, his good intentions for the family didn't help. He just couldn't manage his responsibilities. It made me feel stressed out, chronically unhappy and humiliated.
To me, it's only the ability of the ADHD partner that seems to matter in the long run. Other things you might think would strengthen the family, like education, a robust social network, supportive relatives, finances, culture, can all wither away when one partner doesn't function. As a non spouse to a high-grade ADHD person, it's my experience you are powerless to change anything within the marriage, and you need to carry the load and accept the RSD defensiveness or leave your partner.
If I had known this when I was in your life phase (child that age and late pregnancy), I might have done the unthinkable and left the man I still loved. But it's not an easy choice, Im well aware. Nobody but you will know what is best for you.
Depending on your work situation, could it be possible to find some kind of collective living arrangement where you could have more support from other people, maybe other parents? Whether you stay in your marriage or leave it, it sounds like you really are going to need some functional adults around for help and happiness.
I'm so sorry for your pain.
Knowing is half (?) the battle
Submitted by Catterfly on
Hi Preggo,
Congrats on expecting baby #2!
But as for the ADHD questions, I feel for you. I have two kids, ages 12 and 14 now, and had no idea what was going on back when they were born. My ADHD husband wasn't diagnosed until a year ago. My mental health suffered tremendously.
Here are some survival tips I learned along the way:
- Get any help you can. Occasional housekeeping, occasional meal deliveries or meal kit deliveries, grocery deliveries, visits from friends, and find a babysitter in your community ASAP.
- Learn and understand your tolerance threshold for clutter, cleanliness, etc., and try to accept that it's ok. See how far you can lower it, but also make sure he understands the non-negotiables. Safety issues for example.
- Get out of the house as much as you can. My doctor prescribed four hours off - all at once - weekly. I never once got it, but maybe you can negotiate this in advance with your husband.
- Get help immediately if you find your mental health getting into trouble. We understand post-pregnancy depression way more than we did a decade ago, and there are a lot of supports. I wish I'd gone years before I did - but it took me that long to even understand what was happening.
On that note, maybe you can find a friend or family member to check in on you periodically, even if over the phone. If your husband is like mine, he won't even notice if you're starting to get overwhelmed and he may not advocate for you.
With all of this said, my kids are the absolute joy of my life and my only regret is that "I" got lost somewhere along the way. But forewarned is forearmed. You've got this!
I am sorry for you
Submitted by BurnedOutLady on
It sounds like you are in a real bind, but you also know it, so you can take the steps you need to take to protect yourself and your kids. Make a list of every single thing you can think of that would make your life less stressful, safer, more supported, more stable, and more hopeful. Include everything you might do to be more self sufficient. Then take whatever steps you can toward those goals, no matter how small. You will be turning your ship around to a better direction.