Hi all,
my names stu. I bought the book for couples today and found out about this website. I could really do with some help from anyone who might be going through what I am going through right now.
Basically ive suspected ive had ADHD all my life, i was sort of diagnosed with it a few years ago. Im 39 now, I live in Liverpool in the UK and, sadly, my marriage has failed.
I have two amazing kids, and a wife I love to bits, and I cannot change what has happened it would seem. However, we have to live together for now and although she is saying she will give me the chance to see whatever might develop in the future, shes also saying that has to happen with us moving in different directions. I think she just wants a simple life with someone who doesnt have my condition, even though i am literally just at the stage of learning about it, and going to see my first counsillor this week. I know, now, that i can fix the parts of me now that caused our marriage to breakdown, and be the good person of me...however, I think the ADHD is not letting me accept whats happening and I am making her life hell at home. I am almost at panic attack stage because the immediate situation i need resiolving wont happen and i cant see the greater good. The book tells me this is ADHD too. She has agreed to read the book but i see no conviction in her because she thinks i have never tried, and now I amn trying when the horse has bolted.
I have used drugs and things for years on and off - self medication, need for dopamine, whatever that is,. I have quit everything now but its all too little too late.
I need some help. I need some advice, anything, that will help me focus and get through what im going through to give some space at home. Its absolutely killing me, Its crippling because I know now i can fix it. But im too late.
ADHD is making the situation that ADHD created much much worse. I dont know what to do. I am lost. Has anyone been through this because I need the experiences of someone who might have.
I feel very alone. All my friends say jst give her the space and time and she might start to see your actions are speaking louder than your words but...I just cant do it as it has a stronger control of me right now than ever. We also both work at home, and I dont know how i will get through the next 2 hours let alone the next 6 months.
If anyone can help me with any advice I would really appreciate it.
Thanks
Stu
So tonight she read the first
Submitted by themightyasok on
So tonight she read the first chapter of the book.
When she had i asked her if she took anything from it.
The reply was - not really. I said i thought it might help you see where im coming from.
She said - you dont seem to understand where i am coming from - medical condition or not...the shit i have been through in the last ten years, i just dont want to deal with it anymore.
I guess I am on my own from here on in, and its absolutely terrifying. So yeah, that help might now be needed more than ever.
Thanks all. x
Have Hope!
Submitted by Kitty Jo on
Your post breaks my heart. I am recently divorced from someone with ADHD. He was diagnosed after we divorced. I didn't know anything about ADHD so I read about it, mostly on this website. It was the biggest AH HA! moment of 20 years of marriage. I thought that my spouse was just a jerk. I didn't realize his behavior was related to ADHD. I think you have a chance to rebuild your relationship. It will take both of you and a lot of openness and work. I wish my spouse and I could have worked things out. I miss him terribly. I think most people who post here feel the same way. If we didn't care, we wouldn't be here.
The one thing I missed most in my relationship was having an uninterrupted, deep conversation with my spouse. We never talked because he was always on the computer, or he would stop talking to me when he got a facebook notification, or he was lost in his head.
If I could give you one suggestion, it would be to sit down with your spouse and have a non-confrontational conversation about anything. Ask her about her day and really try to listen. Tell her something you honestly like about her and why. She probably feels like she has been taken advantage of and unvalued for a long time. You have to show her you value her.
I'm rooting for you! Good luck. Remember, if something you try doesn't work, don't beat yourself up. Bounce back and try again.
I understand (sort of)
Submitted by Hopeful Heart on
My husband has adhd and it was undiagnosed for the first twenty years of our marriage and is still, for the most part, untreated. I don’t have any idea what it’s like to have adhd. But, I have a little bit of an idea of how your wife is feeling. In my opinion, the best thing that you can do is let her know that you’re taking responsibility for your adhd and that you want to repair the relationship and decrease her stress moving forward. Of course, the most important part is that you follow through with your promise. If she sees improvement and commitment to improvement from you, she’s likely to gradually change her attitude toward you.
Thanks - i showed her this
Submitted by themightyasok on
Thanks - i showed her this reply - she said to me "thats exactly what ive been saying". I guess the problem is, it seems so far away to get to that point, and my ADHD is so severe, I dont know how to get there without scarmbling her and my own brain. But. I have to try. I simply have to try my best and be patient.
If I were you, I would take
Submitted by Hopeful Heart on
If I were you, I would take baby steps. In my opinion, if you try to completely overhaul your life and marriage in one day, you’re setting yourself up for failure. You need to try to capitalize on your strengths. Is there anything that you’re good at that you can commit to do regularly that will positively effect your wife?
For example, when my kids were younger, every Wednesday my husband would pick the kids up from school, take them to their favorite hamburger joint, and then drop them off at church (where they would stay for the next 2-3 hours). We all looked forward to it. The kids and my husband looked forward to their favorite hamburger and milkshake. I looked forward to having some time to myself. I really appreciated the support from my husband. It was a win/win for everyone.
Maybe you can find something like this to implement into your family.
Hi Stu...You need to ask yourself some hard questions....
Submitted by c ur self on
Read both of your posts over and over....And pretend that someone else wrote them....Then ask Why? Why is this grown man so desperate?
See the answer is; you are hugely dependent....Your spouse isn't your wife....She is your crutch...Someone to bale you out of irresponsibility....It's not adhd....The effects of adhd doesn't cause a person to use another one.....
The best thing you and your wife can do is separate (or disassociate like she wants, that's usually not possible with a dependent user.) for a time....You must learn to be a responsible adult who doesn't need another adult....But choose's to be a responsible Husband and Father to your two amazing children...A man or women who is fit to be in a relationship can and does the work of the relationship daily....
If you are bothered mentally w/ distraction, memory and focus (adhd) you will need to do the therapy and learn new habits (break old one's) to help yourself, you may need some sort of medication....But you must OWN it....And Do the Work!....No one can help you with your own stuff...
Forget about your wife, she can't help you....Learn from the state of panic you are in....Hate it; and change it....You have to kick your own crutches out from under yourself.....Then you will be able to SEE clearly what you aren't Seeing now....
Never make excuses, never live in denial, and never blame.....Then there is hope for you.....Without Ownership there is no hope for you....Without Ownership, there is no hope for any of us....
If this post sounds hard, that's because it's Truth....
I will Pray for you Stu... and the family....
C
well said C Ur Self
Submitted by overwhelmed wif... on
Wow, C Ur Self. What you wrote here was amazing. Great advice for Stu, but it also helped me understand my own situation. My husband has ADHD and I moved out almost a year ago. We're coming to a place where we need to make decisions about divorce. I am so, so happy living without my husband, but I don't hate him. I know he has some wonderful sides and I also know that much of his troubles aren't his fault. But they are his responsibility. And I can no longer live with a man who has these troubles. Your post explained to me why it is important that I am not living with him. You described it well--I was not his wife. I was his crutch. I baled him out when he was irresponsible (very frequently). He did use me, and that is not due to ADHD. And as for separation being necessary, etc., yes again! My husband has done so much good for himself since we've been apart. He has finally gotten a job. He has a reason to get out of bed every morning. He is kind, gentle, open, and respectful when we communicate. He has owed money to the IRS for decades and finally set up a payment plan with them. He's still not fully responsible as a father (forgot daughter's birthday, keeps the house a mess even though he knows that's why his daughter doesn't want to spend time with her, etc. But he is somewhat responsible and certain expresses his love to his daughter (invites her to dinner, movies, walks, etc., even though she usually says no).
Anyway, I don't want to go on forever, but I really appreciate your comment and the truth you have spelled out. It helps me understand why I had to leave my husband, why my husband is doing well without me (even though he was desperate for me to stay with him), and spells out to me what it is my husband needs to do and why it has to be done without my help.
So thank you, thank you, thank you--for being so insightful and helpful
Hi OWW
Submitted by c ur self on
My heart's desire is to see married couples (including us) live in unity and harmony...Both spouses doing the work of the relationship...Some times it is best to get away from the source of your pain for 10 or 12 months, so healing can talk place, and for boundaries to be put in place....
I was married 4.5 years, if you can call it that... (more like and extremely unhealthy pissing contest, along w/ denial and blame and the inability to communicate) ....12 months a part (counseling for 8.5 of those months) then we got back together and have been back together together for 4 years....
What happened during that time for me was...Healing for my anger, bitterness and anxiety for the most part....Plenty of time for reflection and instituting necessary boundaries..I knew if we were ever going to live together in any kind of peaceful way boundaries had to be respected by us both....When you are so different, it's just unwise to think you don't need them....
The time a part gave us a chance....It did a few things for her also...It forced her to live accountable (her crutch was gone, she had to manage life, finances, taxes and her house by herself) I think she realized how much I was doing here during that time....
She came back still messy, (hoardified) (new word), and wanting to control things....But I was able to accept her for the most part, and just say no, without the egg shells her behavior had caused me for so long....It's still difficult...I don't think in our relationship that I want feel abandoned much of the time...Add really just robs a person (her anyway) of being able to comfortably come along side their spouse, and share in daily life....I had a wife for 30 years who's favorite place was right by my side....So I guess it's been double tough on me having to experience this person who is lost in their own little world so much of the time....
My hope for you and your husband is that you can work it out....**Ownership**...**Acceptance**
I will pray for you both!....
C
Oww and C....
Submitted by Zapp10 on
To OWW I am exactly where you are at. You put it well and I thank you. I cannot find words to describe myself in this situation and you did.
To C....what you wrote to stu took my breath away. Undeniable truth said with care and a dash of listen up! It was not harsh.. just honest truth based on experience.....THANK YOU! What I would like to do is carve it in stone and whack my h over the head with it.....but I won't.
Just seen this comment. Im
Submitted by themightyasok on
Just seen this comment. Im going to an ADHD consultant on thursday for the first timed ans start the meds on sunday. Im currently staying on my mates camp bed, as i enter the phase of my life.
Im owning it fine thank you, but I love my wife to bits - thats still possible even when you have made mistakes. I will get by, I just dont want my family to break up. So why your sentiment may be correct, so is mine.
thanks though.
Can i just add - about this
Submitted by themightyasok on
Can i just add - about this responsibility thing. I have two really good jobs. Im a computer programmer really high up in a large car company and until i decided to stop this christmas I have been a DJ playing all over europe. I bring in more than enough money to live comfortably, so my wife works three days to manage more of the household tasks she has. My money management is also not bad, i manage our finances but I wouldnt say perfectly, we are not in debt. I own my life. My problem, is more having time WITH the family, not being irresponsible with my commitments to providing from them. But, having re read your post. Your probably right.
Hello Stu
Submitted by ccarpenter on
I am all too familiar of feeling like you are grasping at straws or anything to change the amount of despair you are experiencing. The difference is, I do not have ADHD.
I do think it is incredibly humbling of you to share what you are with this group. The fact that you are acknowledging what went wrong is a step in taking ownership of your own actions. As I have come to learn with an ADHD partner, this is an incredible feat. It might have taken you a lot longer to recognize how your actions and lack thereof have taken a toll on your wife and family, but what is important now, is your willingness to change. You have to follow through with this change however. You cannot let your despair be the only driving factor in this moment. You have to WANT to do it for the greater good of your relationship, and ultimately to help yourself.
Yes, codependency might be a factor in this situation, but if you truly feel in the bottom of your heart, you want to change for you and to better your relationship, then by all means DO IT.
I can relate to your wife and the struggles and frustrations she has endured with having an ADHD partner. Like me, I am sure there are some actions she needs to work on as well.
The bottom line is, it truly takes two people to want to make a relationship grow. It cannot be one sided. When it is one sided, you are alone. It has taken me weeks to face this harsh and brutal reality.
I wish my partner was willing to do what it takes and FOLLOW THROUGH with the promise to work on himself and his ADHD. Instead, I am alone dealing with my own emotional obstacles. There was a lot of anger and frustration on my part in the relationship both directly and indirectly related.
Own your actions and FOLLOW THROUGH.
I hope you and your wife are able to overcome this together.
Thanks for your advice
Submitted by themightyasok on
Thanks for your advice everyone. There is a small light now that after i see my ADHD guy on thursday lunch time, she will go and see him too later that day.
To try to learn a little. Its too little too late she's already told me that...but she will try to at least understand what its like. I suppose that will at least give her peace that I was not just a giant selfish dickhead.
I had to move to my friends in the end. Its crippling being here, the ADHD and the heartbreask ids masking me desperate to go home. But I promised 3 nights here. Tonight is night 2.
I hope I sleep tonight. Its been 4 nights.
I will report back if there is anything positive.
Stu...
Submitted by Zapp10 on
You may not realize the impact you have had on many here....especially the non ADHD spouse(me included).I very much appreciate your sharing your experience. Please do not give up that your wife will come to a clearer understanding of what it is like for those with ADHD. It is the same we nons want from our ADHD partners....that they understand we don't have it. That makes us on both sides accountable to learn.
So much damage evolves from unknown/untreated ADHD by both parties.Often there are other things at play along with ADHD. Many here are dealing(myself included) with a partner with an additional issue that makes adhd not the only thing going on and near impossible to address. We have been married 44 years with an ADHD diagnosis just 5 years ago. So much for happily ever after for me....as for him?..he just can't handle the diagnosis.
I so wish you all the best in focusing on how to improve your life...period. Please dig deep for patience with your wife...this did not happen overnite and is not a quick fix. You can only do your best as should she.
You are in my thoughts.
Stu....I Have ADHD
Submitted by kellyj on
Stu..you asked for advise, so I will throw my two bits in to this conversattion. Without repeating what's already been said here, there is truth, there is ownership...and then, there is what are "you" are going to do about it? And of course... there is what you want? I might start by asking that question first?
You say you Love your wife to bits... so you know that for sure. But Loving her to bits... can also be a metaphor...meaning, literally, it's tearing her to bits and pieces... so that in itself is not enough. I get in context to what you said that she's told you this maybe in more words... perhaps that's what she saying?
Okay then... NOW.... right this second, what are you going to do? Actions speak louder than words... but as I hear you, and this is a real concern.... will she be there once you enact or put into action some kind of plan? It will definitely take time. You cannot fix what cannot be fixed.... but you can make changes and make corrections, and learn from your past mistakes. This much has been said about "us" people with ADHD and not learning from OUR mistakes. But learning comes from doing, and more mistakes will be made. If you can learn from your mistakes... you will be able to prevent them in the future.
BUT...but..but..but.. there are no guarantees or assurances that your wife will accept this... or even the process that you have to go through and able to learn and gain the skills you need to make the corrections... and find the ways to work around these problems that your ADHD imposes on you. You are not your ADHD... your symptoms only Define you if you allow them to. More than anything else, you need to find the ways that work for you, in order to accomplish what you want.
The word "promise"...I think, holds the key... but that word promise can mean different things. I think learning to differentiate between what these things mean... and then understanding how to say what you mean and feel "accurately"... is really something that you need to learn. Learning how...is what I've always said to myself, in what was missing.
Consider that for a moment, and thinking about your ADHD. What I've come to understand more than anything else, neurotypical people don't need to learn how.
Somehow , somewhere....in that scramble up there in our executive function.... what others take for granted that is easy, and just comes to them without trying.... we have to try extremely hard, just to do the same things. And I know for a fact that ehen I'm put in a situation... where I simply do not know how? I don't know what to do, and I don't know how to do it? It's as simple as that.
If I were you....I would own that fact first... and take it for granted. From there you could go to her... and own up to that fact? That can be a very humbling experience... to have to admit that to anyone.
On the plus side of that, cuz there's alway a positive side. You do know how to do things, and quite possibly many things quite well. You do have the ability to learn, or you wouldn't be where you are right now. You said that you did well with finances.... you've learned computer programming... and now you do pretty well at being a DJ... and actually working and making a living..or an income, if you will?
ADHD.... obviously does not prevent you from learning how to do things. Now, the challenge is to learn something new. If it were that easy...you would have already learned it by now? And that points directly to what you do not know how? YET!
If you can admit to yourself you do not know how.... then you can admit that to somebody else. And the most important person in your life... is the person you need to tell that to. If you can get her to understand just that much, this may help you accomplish what you're trying to accomplish with her. At least for a starting place. She will do with that as she will and you have no control over what she will do with that.
The word 'hard"... does not mean you "can't." If you believe you can't and are afraid to do it... then it will never happen.
But...if you believe you can, and believe in yourself and not be afraid... the only thing you have to fear, is fear itself. Believe it, own it...and make it happen. from there anything is possible... but you won't know it until you get there and you have to have faith, in something outside of yourself.
That's the best advice I can give you... in order to organize your thoughts... and to help you develop a plan of action that you know you can follow through on without fail. Mistakes will come it's not about not making mistakes... failure in respect to what you want... is simply failing to try. You have to do it without any guarantees or assurances beforehand.... but having a goal or destination for your journey... is what you need to shoot for. You won't know it until you get there....and you can't get there from here, if you don't know how?
I hope that gives you some insight and some perspective to think about... in the order that you need to do it. Owning that you don't know how... and that you need help from others in learning, is not a sign of weakness...but a sign of strength and power. Own it...and you might be surprised that things will come to you when you need them, not before, but when you get there. That takes courage more than anything else. Courage, is what will kill fear, in the face of adversity, and courage takes heart.
Take a lesson...from Dorthy, the Tinman, the Scarecrow and the Cowardly Lion...that is an Archityple story...that contains some real truth
I hope that helps you, I'm simply speaking from experience and nothing more, so I know that's good advice. Take care, and I wish you well in the future.
J