Today was a weird day. I woke up, and a sadness just hit me like a ton of bricks. Everything was slow to start, even my normal happiness about my job didnt get my motivation going. I had so much to do today, and I just could not focus or think straight. All that I worked on was running late - even breakfast. Then my cousin showed up around 10 and it was a total surprise to see her! I guess she thought I was murdered since I didnt return a text from last night or this morning (I was on calls all morning so I didnt even have a chance LOL). So she comes over, and we got to talking. And she starts telling me how her husband loves me to death, and was so excited about seeing my "big change"... She told me that he was telling all his friends at his birthday party how his cousin (me) was shedding my old skin, and turning into a butterfly. That I had my shit together like no one else, and once I could push through all this mess that I was going to metamorphisis into an amazing butterfly and fly anywhere I wanted. Man... that just hit me in the heart so hard. I didnt think that he even gave me a second thought when I wasnt in his presence... it taught me a pretty hard core lesson that I needed to learn. Just because my husband doesnt SEE me, doesnt mean that others are BLIND to me. WHAT and amazing feeling.... and then it made me cry because it hit me that I wanted my husband to SEE me in the same way.
I have been working very hard to become a better me. Exercising when I dont want to, eating foods I would rather not because its better for me. Trying to regain my own self control, and not let my husbands struggles define me. I have taken back the control he exerted on me with his threats of leaving. I am no longer letting him tear me down like that anymore. I am not good enough for him. Ok - no problem. He can go find better - what ever that might be. Because I deserve more, and I am not ever going to live like I did for the past 7 years again. NO MORE.
While its liberating, its also depressing... I have to mourn all the things I wanted to do with him. But I realized... those very same things can be AMAZING even with out him. I cannot wait to go to a camping event, and have the whole tent to myself! I can set up my own little camp bathroom!!!! (this is such a luxury you have NO idea.. LOL - I am actually GIDDY thinking about it!). I will attend these glorious medieval events, and spend time with old friends and make new ones. I will have a blast going to parties. I even have a new event on FB for January for having a "Hobbit Party" with some friends. October is booking up quick! The great thing is - people understand where I am at (with my dog) and know that right now I wont leave/travel etc... but including me in plans for the future? Well - that is encouraging! That is giving me a new hope! (and I dont even have Obi Wan Kenobi to help me here LOL).
For a treat - these are the events I am talking about - short but AWESOME! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=efYwxs1VtCs
On top of all that - I was SO not motivated to do my work out today. Even went as far as to see if splitting up the cardio was a good idea (turns out that can be very effective - but thats not why I was looking). But I sucked it up and got on there. And I went even HARDER than I have in a long time. I did some interval training, at different intensity levels - doing 5 minutes at level 6 which is a HUGE deal for me (on my elliptical). I went from being unmotivated, to kicking ASS today.
AND THEN... I watched the most amazing documentary on World of Warcraft ... Its called /afk Away From Keyboard. I swear, EVERYONE should watch it who has a gamer in their life. It really was eye opening and insightful. I didnt think I would like it - but really, its given me a whole different perspective about things and I am so glad of it!
If you struggle with video games, I totally recommend this video - it seriously was helpful to me: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mae1Dhz_Ufg
My motto for months now has been "He is leaving, and I am OK"... and for a while there, it was REALLY hard to be OK. I think maybe I needed a reminder of how much more my life can be (with or with out him). All I have to do is CHOOSE IT.
I waited a bit before replying...
Submitted by DependentOrigination on
Because I want to get this right. Waves of grief. It's what I have heard. I am happy you were able to rally so quickly. It is loss though. Loss, so large it can swallow your world.
If you were local, I would suggest we go camping together. It's been awhile since I have played World of Warcraft but maybe I could get engage in it again.
I don't know if ADD spouses miss you when you are gone. I don't know if they see you happy with your life together. I do know my husband has unresolved issues with his ex's and I do know he feels that pain and that loss sometimes. Sometimes I wonder if the weight of all his mistakes is part of what keeps him moving.
I took a lot of flack a week or two ago, seeking validation. Still. It is nice to be recognized. It is nice to be seen. It would be nice to be loved. If you are moving on, move on. I have had one other committed relationship as serious as my current one. I was never lonely, I was never bitter, I was never angry, I was never lost. You have made the choice to move on. And while those waves of grief hit you some times, there is a whole world out there of people who can love you and engage with you, moment to moment in a way you have never connected to this man you are leaving.
So grieve when it hits you, but kudos to you for turning that excess energy into something positive. I sent this to my husband one day (which I now realize was a mistake) and he became very angry and said it was crap and it was for people who don't believe in the institution of marriage. I still truly believe this. And I will seek it in non romantic ways while the next two years play out and I find out who I am and how I want to be and if I want to stay.
“Someone can be madly in love with you and still not be ready. They can love you in a way you have never been loved and still not join you on the bridge. And whatever their reasons you must leave. Because you never ever have to inspire anyone to meet you on the bridge. You never ever have to convince someone to do the work to be ready. There is more extraordinary love, more love that you have never seen, out here in this wide and wild universe. And there is the love that will be ready.”
― Nayyirah Waheed
So good luck! And enjoy your freedom and the freedom to recreate your world. And if you are ever in Vancouver, look me up.
Lisa, I enjoyed my..
Submitted by Zapp10 on
morning coffee with your posts today. You speak thoughtfully and with compassion and echo the hearts of so many here...including me.
I was taken with your reference to ...." I sent this to my husband one day (which I now realize was a mistake) and he became very angry and said it was crap and it was for people who don't believe in the institution of marriage." I don't know why but "institution of marriage" struck a chord with me. I looked up the word (institution).....and found the various definitions interesting. It made me think.....and think some more.
I believe I am going to be approaching my H for his idea of what this phrase means to him. While we may be somewhat in agreement on this(or not) our approach most likely will have differing takes on "institution of marriage."
The best of intentions, gone awry, on both sides can be sooo confusing and defeating. My NEED, at this time? MUTUAL understanding and agreement.........maybe, just maybe SOMETHING GOOD will come from that? Adhd or NOT.....I am not about "saving" something that WE do not agree to? I am not even mentioning love here.....interesting......maybe I am getting used to his way of loving.....maybe I have finally achieved the no expectation on my part.....accepting his "idea" of it ( does not mean I intend to live with it)....hmmmmm not sure about that.....
Long story short.......a few years ago my H became involved in being licensed in a venture involving both state and federal entities.( No my input was not heard...sigh...a whole new can of worms.....SQUIRREL!) As the legal permits from ALL parts came in he had to "post" them legally, in the area of doing business, which was in a main traffic area of our home. I decided if he had to post those( and he was a bit proud of these) I would add one more. I made copies of our marriage certificate and PLASTERED them on the walls. In all honesty?.....I really thought he would find this amusing and chuckle while "getting the message". I gave him too much credit....apparently I don't know him as well as I thought (after 40 yrs?). He was NOT chuckling.......Apparently his venture licenses were of more value than the INSTITUTION OF MARRIAGE license? grrr
Thanks for your thoughts today Lisa!!!
Good luck
Submitted by DependentOrigination on
I know I have some things to be thankful for with my husband, and one of them is his belief in the institution of marriage. And yet, in other ways, he has dismissed or placed me at the bottom of his priority list so, so, so many times.
I try to balance my thoughts always when it comes to my husband, one positive, one negative. Otherwise, I get a bit delusional. In love or heartbroken.
I would love to hear how your conversation with your husband goes.