I don’t normal post to boards but I feel that I have no where to turn to. So, about a year ago I kicked my husband out of our house due to his anger issues, even though we had just started couples counseling, at the time I was upset and didn’t know what I was doing and just acting on pure emotion and adrenaline, we are both in our early 50's. And I didn’t know what type of emotional rollercoaster he was going on because at the time things were not going well for us both emotional and physically he knew that his job was going to be ending soon, he works at small organization that as of next month won’t exist, and I am a stay at home parent and getting help from my parents. Since separating almost a year ago and still not yet divorced he has gotten his own place and sees our two teen kids almost every day, does pickups drop-offs, cooks dinners, doctor’s appointments and tries to do as much as possible with them. I see he has been working on himself a lot through counseling, doesn’t smoke cigars or drinks anymore and I could see that he was really trying to better himself now, neither of us do drugs. He used to have anger issues which would explode and then 5 minutes later he was back to himself, he has apologized to all of us, which I am willing to accept and I know the kids miss him being here. Our younger child has ADHD and my husband has been helping him with the emotional ups and down of being a ‘tween boy with ADHD emotional issues with help through his counselor. But I lied to my friends, family, therapist, doctors and lawyers about the level of emotional and alcohol abuse and lack of intimacy but there were problems but not they, but not at the level I told everyone they were worst then what was reality. But now I am stuck in this lie that I cannot back out of, because without him having an income and the real possibility of me owning him in this divorce I could possibly lose my house. I keep telling myself that I would be better off without him but he has made himself indispensable in some situations especially now that he will be out of work at the end of the month. I also keep telling myself that the kids would be better off with him, but he keeps proving me wrong. My divorced friend tells me that being divorced is greatest freedom she ever had instead I am more exhausted without someone there to help in trying to keep the house clean, keeping food on the table and making sure the kids have their homework done and are dressed properly. I keep telling myself I don’t want to be married again, and keep telling myself that I have to be strong then our friends tell me that he still loves me, sigh and I can see he misses me. I often miss the physical warmth of him, his quirky sense of humor, the weird things he sometimes does, and now his new found devotion to our kids. Please help me solve this dilemma.
Dilemma in Separation
Submitted by browneyedgirl on 05/14/2019.
Welcome, browneyedgirl
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I am so sorry your situation is so stressful. I don't know what to say as you have valid reasons for keeping things as they are and also for giving the marriage another shot. It sounds like he is a better "partner" and father in this new situation and you are wondering if these changes will be maintained if you get back together.
I guess I would ask what does your gut tell you? It is usually right. Has he truly tackled all of his issues, from the anger to the alcohol to the other ADHD behavior? Were your kids happier/healthier when he lived there or now? Do you want him to come back because it might be easier or because you truly believe it can work this time as a fulfilling relationship for you? Failing your gut, which may be tied up in knots right now, maybe you can make a good ol' pro-con list. I am not saying you will make a decision on the outcome, but it will get you thinking about what really matters to you. I find sometimes it is hard to keep track of all the thoughts and what-ifs that swirl through our heads. Writing them on paper helps to sort things out.
Maybe you need help from a therapist, too. Therapists bring a fresh perspective and let you sort out what you really need and want for YOU.
All the best, browneyedgirl.
Gut Check
Submitted by browneyedgirl on
My gut is in conflict. I have written them down numerous times and each time I finish I became more conflicted, I can never find the answer I am looking for. That is what I am/was worried about him turning back into his former self, but a lot of it had to do with the job he was doing. Trying to do an impossible job with impossible people to work for and with. The kids were not happier when he was here, but none of us were getting the therapy that was needed, once the therapy started things started to become better, our younger child has matured a great deal since starting therapy, and looks up to his father a great deal for guidance and comfort when things go bad more than me lately. Yes I have been seeing a therapist, actually the therapist who was counseling the two of us she has been seeing me though these tumultuous times and has been a pretty good sounding board on a lot of things, but has been very cautious in steering me towards in either direction. She does urge me to bring him back into therapy, but I keep hesitating because of my conflicting emotions about him. I keep thinking if I go down this dark and dangerous path alone that I am not sure how to un-do it if he turns out to be better without the job and becomes more grounded in our family, and I would be looking like a fool especially to all of people around us, as well as it hurting or possibly losing my relationships with them as well as with the children. The older child is hyper sensitive and this might create more conflict than there already is.
HI...I agree w/ Melody.....
Submitted by c ur self on
I would add this about the list....Make a list about everything that needs to change about you...Do this without regard to him...Think about your habits, your stress level, your rest times, your needs (exercise, intimacy etc..)...Just the facts about your existence, and how it could be better.....
Then make one for him, based on the facts as you see them, (things like needs to be responsible enough to find a job, before this one ends, unless he's financially self-sufficient)..(IMO) Marriage should be a life time event, if at all possible, sometimes it's just not possible....The kids need you both...I think you should both get counseling....Him from a male, you from the female....But he will need to see his own need, you can't force that.....Wouldn't be real anyway, unless he see the need....Us men are stubborn when it comes to asking for help....Me anyway :)
Blessings
c
Why be in a hurry?
Submitted by Angie_H on
Hi, browneyedgirl,
You say your husband seems to be working on himself since you separated. You said some positive things about him. Why move ahead with a divorce? Why not take your time and see how things progress?
It is unfortunate that you exaggerated the situation in describing it to others, but you can let that be in the past. People change. If you husband is different, it's possible to stay together and be happy. You do not owe anyone an explanation for staying with your husband, if you and he choose to stay married.
I do think you need to work on yourself and examine your motives. Why did you lie? Can you be a more honest person? What are you doing to identify your role in marital problems? What are you doing to change yourself? Are you a person to whom your husband will want to stay married? Are your children proud and happy to have you as their mother? Do you like yourself?
I don't understand this comment of yours: "Without him having an income and the real possibility of owning him in this divorce I could possibly lose my house." It sounds like you want to 'take him to the cleaners'. At the same time you say you miss him. Do you love your husband and want to stay with him and have a good marriage? Or do you want to stay with him for help with the house, the kids, and the finances?
In my opinion, think about things, treat your husband the way you want to be treated, and take your time. You do not want to make a decision you will regret later.
All the best,
Angie
Happy for your changes
Submitted by overwhelmed wif... on
I'm very happy to hear about the changes in your life and your husband's life. My experience tells me, however, that if you return to the way you were, he will return to the way he was. I recommend that you go forward with the divorce. You don't have to divorce him in anger, and he can continue to be good to you and your children, and you can continue to be good to him. You can build a new relationship outside of your marriage. Who knows? Maybe someday you will remarry. But I think all of us have been witness to improvements in our spouses that disappear when we return to the former relationship. Stay strong and allow your husband to remain on his new, strong path. You will all be better off.
Resolution
Submitted by browneyedgirl on
Hi all,
Thank you all for your comments and thoughts, they were helpful and raised my awareness of both the pro and cons of the actions I have taken and what has occurred over the last year. And the pros keep out-weighing the cons. They have made my husband more aware as well as myself and helped both of the kids. So since last weekend was holiday I decided to take advantage of it, our oldest is away on a trip out of state and being well looked after by teachers and staff. Our younger one wanted to spend the weekend with his father and knew he was going to be well fed and I could check in on him at anytime. I went up to a friends empty cabin up by a lake just about 2 hours north of us which is well furnished and has stocked cabinets. I sat out while the evening stars came out to dance in the night sky and as was finally able to relax a bit. I recalled the many evenings we spent together in mountains and the outdoors which we both love, and which we made us fall in love in the first place. I looked over all the notes and comments I had made over the past several months mulling over and over of what to do, thinking about my actions, how all of this has this affected the kids, how it has changed their lives and how my husband has changed his life for better or for worse. That got me thinking of my wedding vows and the contract that we signed when we entered into the marriage.The next two days and nights of decompressing and several long walks as well as refreshing swim in the lake. I decided that I had come to conclusion of what I should do.
When I arrived back in town I went over to pick up my son from his fathers place and asked him to wait in the car while I talked with my husband. I told him that I had come to a conclusion about the relationship and how I wanted to proceed going forward from that point. That decision was to put the divorce on hold, but would not rule it out at a later date if things started to turn back the way they were before. I told him these where the things that needed be accomplished before any resolution could be reached. First things must move at a different pace, there will have to be better level of implied and complete trust, openness, sincerity and honestly. Second, there would have to be willingness of responsibility on everyone's part, everybody helps to lift together all the time. Third the willingness of everyone to participate all the time, not just part of the time, be it making dinner or going to therapy or meditation or the movies. And fourth willingness to do what the other or parents or child asks of the other, to make certain we are all helping one another. So once I think all of these things can be fulfilled then I think I would consider letting him back into my life but even there he will have to show me that he is worthy of my hand and heart again. I plan on keeping up the challenge on bettering myself as well that of my children and of him, and look forward towards sunnier skies and golden sunsets with the hope of him by my side for many years to come.
Be Well,
Browneyedgirl
- Van Morrison
Browneyedgirl.....
Submitted by c ur self on
(I told him these where the things that needed be accomplished before any resolution could be reached. First things must move at a different pace, there will have to be better level of implied and complete trust, openness, sincerity and honestly. Second, there would have to be willingness of responsibility on everyone's part, everybody helps to lift together all the time. Third the willingness of everyone to participate all the time, not just part of the time, be it making dinner or going to therapy or meditation or the movies. And fourth willingness to do what the other or parents or child asks of the other, to make certain we are all helping one another.)
These are some good boundaries, BUT, they are your boundaries....Marriage is not a marriage unless the husband is filling his God given role, and the wife hers....So just remember that for every feeling and thought you have as a women (wife)....He has those same feelings and thoughts as a man (husband)...So much of the discord, (lack of harmony) in our marriages, come about because of the lack of respect for the other's God given rights, and the unwillingness (pride) to submit ourselves to our own responsibilities in this area....
You two will never think a like, but, with acceptance, you can work it out....
Wishing your family well!
c
Amazing work, Browneyedgirl!
Submitted by overwhelmed wif... on
Browneyedgirl, amazing work! I do not have a lot of host for most of us who post here on these boards, but you have given such careful, open, and intelligent thought to your situation, yourself, your husband, and your family, that I have lots of hope for you. You have combined your love for your husband with open eyes and an understanding that you have a life that must be lived. You have set out a path and a plan that is honest, reasonable, and will bring your family to a good place. One very good thing I see in your plan is that, even if your husband is unable (due to his ADHD) to do the work to make your family strong, you will still have the basis to build a loving coparenting relationship with him, even if you choose to divorce. I think this vision is important to all of us who love our ADHD partners. We do not want to divorce, so we feel like we have no alternative but to stay in a very bad marriage. Your clear thinking allows you to work very hard on your marriage, while both you and your husband know that, even if it doesn't work, your divorce will not be a catastrophe, a blow-up, or the end of a very loving relationship. I believe that this will take some pressure off of both of you and allow you both to work towards a very special marriage. Good luck! And keep writing here! It is always nice to hear a success story!
Just to Clarify...
Submitted by browneyedgirl on
I would just like to make some clarifications to the group. First these ideas that I laid out were a culmination of talks I had with my therapist, good friends as well as mutual friends that I have with my husband. So when I presented these four points to him, he was accepting and embracing of all of them. He understood that these changes needed to occur for both of us as individuals as well as inside the partnership which needs to true partnership not just perceived roles of men and women as well husband and wife. Which includes all of the things it takes to run a household and not just relationship, which he now understands that his job has come to an end he would be responsible for than just cleaning the dishes and BBQ’ing for parties. And most important that there is time designated for not only the family but also just the two of us to make an emotional as well as physical connection.
The other clarification I would like to make is it our son who is the one with ADHD, not my husband. Our son looks up to him with admiration and affection, and that is whom I am doing all of this for, and not just myself. Because my son needs positive role model to be a steady force in his life to get him through over the bumps and obstacles that occur in teen boy’s life with ADHD and I don’t think anyone would be a replacement that either of the kids would accept. He can be strong when he wants to be, and now that he no longer at that job he can show his true colors that he once had when I met him. It may sound like I am defending him but I am being realistic in my perception, and just not just looking through rose-colored glasses. I hope that this whole experience has made us all better than what we were and will keep us more true, honest and open to one another than in the past.
Be Well,
Browneyedgirl