Guess I'll just lay it out. I told Shrink hubby had ADD in 1995 or sooner --he gave meds but never ever suggested any treatment - went to counselling which was a disaster because hubby looked like a the victim of a wife who just couldn't be happy with him. Meanwhile he was writing the great American Novel.
Fast forward - because we are running out of retirement $ which have been spent on his projects -- am insisting we go through this training.
He says:
You changed about 2 years ago
You're just unhappy with yourself
You'll never be satisfied with what I do, I'm doing more, I'm taking meds and now you're making me listen to this
You have to stop reading spiritual stuff : it's not working ( means I am asking him to take responsibility)
You are ruining this marriage
Meanwhile I am asked to Make him famous - dedicate all my time to promoting his products- do all the social media , SEO , and PR For HIM
meanwhile -- he's miffed because -- I don't follow all his directions ( get me on the Late night show ) He gives me these broad stroke directions that have no clear "to do" in them such as "Make more money"
He won't so much as : click accept on linkedin , look up a phone number ( that's your job as my pr person) check his phone messages -
Wow .. I am exhausted - because -- SEO is Very complicated - so is PR.
Help me please.
Wife or employee?
Submitted by c ur self on
You should retire as his employee, and just fill your role as a wife....We never get very far in this life as H and W if we are unequally yoked....(pulling in different directions).....If he is too smart to take a real job so he can support his household ( along w/ his dreams) then you might want to step aside from all of his critiquing and judgments of yourself....
When we don't set up boundaries, ( in unhealthy situations) we can open ourselves up to all kinds of abuse....But, You can take one excuse of his away w/ boundaries....Yourself.
Blessings
C
writing the great American Novel
Submitted by bowlofpetunias on
This is, of course, very characteristic of the ambitious plans that never go anywhere--very common for ADHD.
I have read some things about ADHD being a "gift" for writers and other creative types.
In my experience, it is actually an obstacle. My wife also writes. There is, of course, the "never goes anywhere" problem of ideas that are started and left behind or constantly reworked and never really finished. (What are you doing? I am making it into a three act play. Why are you making it into a three act play? Because I am changing it. Why are you changing it? Because I am making it into a three act play!) My wife is always complaining about not having time to write, but won't give up other activities to make time to write. (Similar to complaining about the messy house but not wanting to stay home and clean!) There was one time before we had kids that she started screaming at me how it was my fault that she did not have time to write. I pointed out that she had no time because she was busy directing two plays by other people at the same time--her decision, not mine. Furthermore, I was actually enabling her by running errands (at the expense of my doctoral studies) when she forgot things she needed for the plays she was directing. When our son was an infant, it was my fault that she could not fly off to a conference like her friend--who had teenagers, not infants. I pointed out that she was very committed to breastfeeding, something I could not do on her behalf if she traveled without our son.
Another problem, however, is that good art requires empathy. You need to be able to understand the emotions that the characters you are creating would have in the situations in which you place them. Empathy is a major challenge for people with ADHD. I went through a midlife crisis a few years ago (admitting my career goals were not to be because I needed to have stability, earn enough for our family, and have a schedule that allowed me to get the kids to school in the morning so that she could have the job she wanted.) My wife responded by making me feel guilty about being depressed. I should snap out of it so she could feel better! Just don't give up on your dreams! I know you will get that job! (Even though the certainty of further failure to achieve my goals was extremely painful I was offered jobs, but I couldn't take the pay cut.) I needed to grieve. I needed someone to validate my feelings--"yeah, it sucks that you can't do that full time, but I appreciate that you are putting the family first. At least you are accomplishing a lot through volunteer work," for example.
Or when she repeatedly called me fat--even during sex!--after I made it clear that it was very hurtful. She once woke me up from deep sleep to tell me her mother said that I "looked bloated." At a barmitzvah, she asked how my diet was going when her friend was raised on the chair. She couldn't understand why I felt the "joke" was hurtful. Interestingly enough, she then asked me how she could express concern about her friends weight without offending her! It was extremely hurtful to know that she cared about offending her friend but not about offending me. ("I wasn't being inconsiderate! I just didn't think about how you would feel!") (Note--I resisted many opportunities to point out that she was more overweight than I was. One of the reasons for calling me fat during sex, for example, was that I was "too out of breath" from the activity. I didn't tell her what was actually going on--the weight of her lying on top of my chest made it hard for me to breathe.)
Or when she kept insisting that she just KNEW that I could get past ED without any medication! I should stop taking the pills and we should keep trying! ("Yay, we did it without any pills!" "Actually, I took it an hour ago." She immediately began moping--the sex doesn't count if it wasn't 100 percent natural, after all.)
Despite having lived with me for over two decades, she can't get inside my head well enough to avoid saying very hurtful things. Instead of learning from the mistakes that cause me pain, she often invalidates my feelings and thus excuses her insensitive behavior. And yet she wants to create emotionally realistic characters out of thin air.
Sometimes my life feels like the great Slovakian novel--by Kafka.
To be fair, she has finally started to admit that not thinking about my feelings is not an excuse and that she has to recognize when she puts her foot in her mouth. I've also reminded her of one of her NPD mother's favorite catch phrases for whenever she was mean to my wife--"What's the matter [wife's name], can't you take a joke?" But things still come up like making fun of my saying that I needed a firm answer on whether or not we were still planning to have sex before I took a pill. (Think Beavis and Butthead. "Ha! Ha! You said 'firm!' Get it? 'A FIRM answer?' Ha!" I had asked, of course, because of all of the times she wanted to have sex, I took one of the few pills I get each month, and then she stayed up all night talking on the phone or using the internet. Or the times she said she wanted "to have a date", I took the pill, and she announced without prior warning that she was too tired.)
It's difficult Bowlofpetunias....
Submitted by c ur self on
From reading here over the years; I feel I can safely say most of us who make an effort to love and live w/ a spouse who's behaviors mirror those you have listed here, get lightly abused on a daily bases, even if it's just psychological and unintentional....
It's very hard to not take your life long spouse seriously. Even though WE KNOW that many of them have almost no filter, and seemly little to no moral compass....(Moral Compass: To know the difference between right and wrong and act accordingly)
Sex is a big part of our lives together (Natural affections) and when a person can't even hold their tongue while in an intimate (and vulnerable) position with their spouse, that really says to me that the person is unfit to be afforded that opportunity in life....
The thing about many who live under the control of a mind like you speak of here, they can be sporadic...Which keeps us around working and hoping for better days...Sex can be shared kindly and respectfully just like other parts of life together for days or weeks)...Then what seems to be out of no where, they will turn completely disrespectful in word or behavior....Of course deep down we knew it was coming eventually....Is it a black heart? Or is it mental illness, a mind incapable of feelings? ...I think it maybe both to some degree....In watching this, and dealing w/it first hand, it's almost like I have to convince my spouse (explain why it's hurtful) that she should feel bad about her words or behaviors....It's like she doesn't have any ability to put her self in my shoes....And I have to do it quickly, because in her mind, her comments and behaviors get kinder and kinder as the minutes tick by...LOL....Oh well, I might as well laugh at the reality of it all...Besides I watched the rerun of Sleepless in Seattle last night, so I've got my tears ducts cleared out...:)
C