I really just want to know to not take it personally when he's distracted, even during sex. Claims to be having the best sex of his life with me, but then he is staring at the lyrics on the tv screen. And this is not the first time. And he admitted doing it. How is this not supposed to just break my heart? And then when I try to stuff my heartbreak, and he has an RSD episode the very next morning, and blows up at me for asking a question, I'm supposed to stuff that too. Well, the argument that ensues ends with me apologizing as usual for not understanding that these things are just ADHD, I shouldn't take it personally. After all, he says he's trying, and it hurts him to be told this hurts me, and he says he feels rejected. ADHD, the gift that just keeps on giving. How is this not gaslighting? How is this not victim blaming? Will someone please help me understand how this resembles love?
Distracted and taking it personally
Submitted by Mizeeyore on 09/23/2021.
Sorry for your pain
Submitted by goldenchild321 on
My ex has adhd and rsd and I experienced some of the same things. Maybe try turning off all possible distractions. Focus on having fun together sexually. The other stuff I can't really comment on - I'm still on here occasionally to learn because our relationship ended and all of the things I experienced confused me soo much. Another question I would ask is he working to manage his adhd rsd? This site has some interesting stories as well as how to adhd on YouTube. I hope it works out for you!
Let me
Submitted by Mkarnett2001 on
Let me know when you figure out how to not take things personally-cause I am still trying to figure it out. Turn off the TV when you have sex?
I don't have that issue specifically, but I get really upset when my bf doesn't respond to what I say. Hate it. You would think after so long I would get used to it...
How not to take it personally?
Submitted by c ur self on
Hi Mizeeyore, The way to not take it personally is to accept the reality of his mind...Accept that not only does he live highly distracted, but he will excuse it, when you point it out...As you know, there is no work involved when you just excuse it....(Oh, it's just who I am, ADD, and your hurting my feelings for not understanding)....It's absolutely gaslighting (maybe not completely intentional, but the effect is the same, if we're not wise enough to step away and recognize it) ....The day you can calmly look at him as the mentally ill man he is, will be the day you can start understanding what it will take to live peacefully as his wife...The reason you, and I, and so many who deal with this same struggle; (getting to the place of acceptance), find it so hard, is because acceptance makes us set boundaries, it makes us stop point out what isn't normal to a mind that isn't normal...You said in your post the humble truth, I had to face also...I've been responsible for most of our arguments, wanting a mentally ill mind (who thinks their fine, and they should be tolerated, and anyone questioning them is wrong) to live and love normally....Not happening!...So we will continue to be the one's apologizing, until, we accept their thinking, their feelings, and the behaviors that follow....
When we are subjected to the kind of behaviors, the excuses, the denial over long periods of time...Our mental and emotional state's get skewed....So to be gaslighted is a normal happening, unless we step back, stop engaging, and force accountability through boundaries....Normal people want any kind of intimacy to be a fully engaging act, looking into each others eye's, giving full attention to each other, and doing the physical and emotional work it takes to please and care for each other, in the way both desires and deserves...When a mind is locked into, (it's all about me) that can't happen.....
So if your reading this, your probably thinking...Well what about me?.....Yes, there are questions....Like, should anyone have to endure this? Is anyone who lives this way, fit to be a life partner?...There are many questions, but, they are beside the point of the actual truth of how do I live with this person!.....We can leave, but, if we stay, and we're sick of being miserable, we must accept, and deal with reality of what it's going to be like...My wife wanting her life to run like she wants it to is highly intrusive, (sex while watching TV, is just one of many many things she will do, if I allow it, allow means take part) to me....
She lashed out at me yesterday, because I calmly asked her to pick up behind her self...Leaves dirty dishes in the bed, on the end tables, counters, bath room counters, floors...She's a pig when it comes to thoughtlessly walking away from putting stuff away and trash in the can.....I waited about an hour, and approached her, and said are you always going to lash out like that, every time I ask you to be responsible to pick up behind yourself?..She raised up from her pillow (in the guest room where she hangs out watching TV, and makes a pigsty out of it, and shook her head Yes, Yes Yes...I calmly walked away, and said, you should find some where to live where you will be happy, because your not going to be happy here....Because I have no qualms to not ask you to be the responsible adult you adamantly have told me you are for 13 years now.....She likes to use sex to threaten me...She seems to have no conscience when it comes to trying to control or force her will....Thankfully I expect it, and just smile and walk way....The more said to a mind in denial, is self inflicting suffering for myself....When people show's us, the fruit of their minds is to excuse themselves at all costs, we better believe it.....If we want a peaceful life that is.....
Blessings
c
PS...Not all add minded people are self absorbed, and live in denial....It can be difficult to separate mental illness from selfishness (choices)....But, it's really a non issue if we set boundaries to force accountability on ourselves, and our engagement with our spouses...
But what are their consequences
Submitted by nonadhdhub on
The idea of boundaries is to protect yourself. But when they violate your boundaries, repeatedly, what are their consequences? Your point is that they have a mental illness and we have to see them (and accept them) in that way. But in the end, they are still illogical, irrational. They don't care if their "punishment" is living with the mess because to them that isn't punishment! They are content with it! But it still ends up violating your boundary. Your mental health. Repeatedly. At what point are you actually doing the OPPOSITE of what a boundary is supposed to be if you continue to allow boundaries to be broken? The definition of insanity...???
Hi NonADHDhub
Submitted by c ur self on
I agree that one reason for boundaries is self protection...But, they are much more in a marital setting...They should be viewed as protection for both parties...One of the most damaging things to any marriage is raised emotions, and verbal battles...None of it can be taken back, and it can take years to move past....If I (or you, or anyone) am so un-accepting of my spouse's way of living, that I am constantly barking, preaching, and pointing out all her flaws, then there is no hope for us....I will be an angry, miserable, emotional basket case, and she will live beat down, no self esteem, and probably angry & miserable also....Is this our life time goals for our lives together? If we have to daily fix each other, we need to move on!
Boundaries should be set for peace keeping, limit chaos, accountability and growth....And my boundaries (which will effect both of us in a positive way) are for me....I can't set boundaries for her...Boundaries that I set for myself are...1) take full ownership of my emotions, (and her life style isn't an excuse for me to not be kind, preach, or attempt to parent her) if I refuse to fight, argue, are speak hard words (that aren't wanted, and want be heard anyway), then our huge difference's will only be difference's, and want escalate into things we must repent of, or live a poisoned toxic life in the same house.....
There has to be a line drawn, when it comes to what is just an attempt to live....vs....What is intentional intrusiveness, or abuse...I know many add minds will not see their intrusive life styles, like we do...(the receiver of the intrusion)...That is not intentional....If you are your wife moved on, but would still not change a thing about your life style, habits etc, that tells us a lot.....Most frustrated spouses of add minded partners, aren't angry at the spouse, but, the intrusive life styles....But, we destroy the partner, and our unions, trying to force fix it....When boundaries, and good counseling, could have helped us to understand each other a lot better....
best wishes to you!
c
No, you can't fix or change them
Submitted by Mizeeyore on
And it's not worth the fight. None of this shit is optional. They can behave and be almost neurotypical when they want to be. Accept that they don't want to bother anymore by accepting the excuse of the day, whatever their ADHD or ADD brought them (tired, can't focus, hyper focus, RSD, whatever), it brought you too. Accept that it looks selfish and sociopathic and narcissistic at times, and they expect you to accept that without comment too. Accept that it is what it is. One choice, take it or leave it. You can't fix it. You can't fix anyone else, but this is like alcoholism or addiction. They either want to or they don't, even psych help may not work anyway, and it has nothing to do with you. If I think about it, I'm just a household appliance giving unconditional positive regard when asked. That's my marriage. Yay. Eventually I will stop crying about it because I will have forgotten about the beginning altogether. I know he has. Executive dysfunction is either a real thing or an excuse, but I can expect that it will be dragged out as get out of jail free no matter what, and I'll be beaten up viciously for days for mentioning being hurt by something. According to him, It's my personal defect that this shit seems unfair to me, and I'm angry about it. Making someone own their words is cruel I'm told, after all, ADD makes him blurt things out, I must understand that, or I'm choosing to make myself miserable. I deserve the denials, (yes, those are actually lies) because nobody is responsible for what they say if they have ADD apparently and are smart/composed enough to be vicious in an argument, but not able to communicate civilly or honestly. He "loves" me, really, he says, except I get spoken to as if im simply not real and don't exist as a separate person with my own experience and real feelings. If I see something as negative in any way, it's my fault and mistake/misunderstanding for seeing it to that way and I'm wrong. No negative experience with them is valid or acknowledged. So, I now live alone in the same house and speak carefully when spoken to. Marriage is connection, and ADHD and ADD prevent or ruin it, all on their schedule.
Oh, and the fun part is he knows it's a bait and switch, and is angry that I dare resent it. He's trying as hard as he can, why can't I just be nice? Marriage has taken a slightly anxious, but mostly normal woman and turned me into a resentful, miserable, gaslit household appliance.
mizeeyore.....
Submitted by c ur self on
My boundaries, and acceptance of all the things you have listed mizeeyore, has led me to not expect it to be any different, and that eventually has allowed me to pursue MY OWN GIFT OF LIFE....I know I can't force her to be the partner she vowed to be, to recognize that I am human also, and I have needs, emotions, hurts, and pains too...But, by accepting she don't want to hear it, or has no empathy for it....I don't consider her a source for that kind of comfort....
That may sound like a sad case to call a marriage relationship....But, it's either accept what is possible so peace can be had, or move on....We lived the embattled life to long, so I want accept another option....
Bless you!
c
Acceptance
Submitted by Mizeeyore on
This isn't a partnership or a marriage, it's friends with benefits as long as I show up in silence. Turned the tv back on last night and his only comment was to that I must have missed the music. Yeah. What it is is that I don't care anymore if he's distracted or not. I hope he is, that way I can disappear. I can't care anymore. It's killing me, watching all hope die, but I will be better off without hope and continual disappointment.
yes people with adhd can
Submitted by SamBamiteko_ on
yes people with adhd can change with specifc treatment and adhd doesnt prevent or ruin a marriage connectiction.
I'd love to have an answer
Submitted by Jburn on
I'd love to have an answer for this, but I don't have it myself. To this one specifically turn off the TV and turn on music or something else if background noise is needed.
On a different note. What is the response when confronting the AD(H)D person, the they tell you that they are not the one pointing all these things out and not accusing you of doing anything wrong and finding everything wrong with what you are doing, therefore they aren't doing anything wrong, or that they are trying as hard as they can? I'm exhausted, so I have to disconnect very often. I have forced myself to NOT pick up things and NOT do things that need to be done and will sit there for days on end. Eventually, they will get done, sometimes weeks later, but I refuse to do them. I've also realized that pointing them out not only makes the guilt more real, it emphasizes the paralysis by analysis that many AD(H)D ers deal with, often along with depression etc.
The real struggle is how to motivate? I do my best to compliment. I do my best to try to see all the good things and build up, but in the end, when the fixation on a screen or subject usually online is a deterent to promises they have made, there is simply no avoiding the blow up excuses or the taking it personal and ad hominem attacks back at the accuser. It's enough for the Non-ADHD er to seriously go mad.
Actually, the answer is to
Submitted by Mizeeyore on
Actually, the answer is to not care either. If I don't want to feel like a fool, my best bet is not to be one.
A household appliance...
Submitted by sickandtired on
Your description of being a household appliance struck me as dead on. I felt that way too in my 11 year relationship with an ADHD man. I felt like I was losing myself trying to please him, but he was always angry and blamed me for his constant stream of problems. Just like an appliance, my needs were not important. You don’t need to love your toaster or stove, you just want what it can do for you. Who cares if you insult your ugly refrigerator, as long as it keeps the food cold. That was his attitude about me. As long as I paid his bills and gave him a roof over his head, I was doing my job and deserved nothing from him. When I became injured and unable to walk the dogs with him, he would say vicious things to me like “you kill all the joy!” Those types of words killed any love I may have had for him. I wanted someone to be a partner to love me, not a consumer to just use me up.
I realized that it was up to me to go out and find my joy in life without him, so I learned to not waste my time loving or caring for someone who didn’t love me back. I didn’t care if ADHD was responsible for his lack of caring and cruel words. It is unhealthy and co-dependent to stay with anyone who treats you like this. I realized after over a decade of trying to help him, change him, protect him, ENABLE him, that he would never change. Why should he change if I was doing everything for him? If you want a normal loving reciprocal relationship, you have to start by choosing someone else, a person who will appreciate you and give something back. You can’t change him. Don’t waste decades being miserable and feeling defeated because all of your efforts to manage his life are in vain. Some folks are afraid of divorce or raising children in a “broken home”. All I can say is no home was more “broken” that the one I shared with my ADHD ex. It was such a relief to get him out of my home, and see that life could be normal again. No more walking on eggshells, no more feeling defeated or blaming myself because he’s unhappy. No more suppressing my desires to be heard, to be respected, and to be loved. Starving yourself from these basic needs is like a slow suicide. You deserve better.