Submitted by junebean on 08/17/2008.
Hello, I am new on this site, and just hoping to find some resources/help. My partner has ADD and we have what I feel is an excellent relationship - we communicate well and each try our best to cope with problems/issues as they arise. One issue I'm really having difficulty with is our sex life. Almost every time we have sex, he gets distracted, loses interest, gets it back again, repeats, and eventually gives up on reaching orgasm. He doesn't have any lack of interest in having sex, and we have a very loving and passionate relationship. The issue is just his inability to climax due to his mind wandering and then after a while he just gets frustrated and doesn't want to try anymore (and often a lot of time has passed from when we began, and we just simply can't go on anymore)
I admit that sometimes I feel inadequate - that I can't hold his attention - but I also know that isn't the problem.
I would love to hear if others have this same issue and how they have dealt with it, and if you have any solutions/suggestions of things we could try.
Thanks!
Distracted During Sex
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
You are most certainly not alone! People with ADD are often distracted during sex. Don't start to doubt your own attractiveness just because he's distracted (the distraction isn't personal - it's in his brain wiring). As you are together longer, you may find he is somewhat generally distracted from you, as well. Again, don't take it personally - ADD and distraction go hand in hand - but do work on figuring out how to get around the distraction. You do want to work out a system whereby when you feel he is getting distracted you can signal him that you need/want him to refocus...
As for the sex...Try changing the duration of your sexual encounters - for example, "rush" through things once in a while, or make it so that you are only paying attention to him, not him to you. Perhaps this will allow you to get the pleasure of his orgasm sometimes, and when he doesn't come during longer sessions you won't be as concerned.
Does music help him focus? Or mirrors? The former helps many kids focus more clearly while studying...the latter might remind him what he's doing when he gets distracted (looks up, sees the two of you, which refocuses him...)
Also, try new things when you can. Newness has a way of focusing the mind...perhaps some toys or videos, different types of foreplay, locations, clothing, watching each other masturbate...???? Talk with him about his fantasies, tell him yours...
If you want to be really clinical about it, perhaps you can take note of whether there are patterns to when he loses focus - certain things that take too long, or perhaps after a certain amount of time from initiation (i.e. he has an attention span of 35 minutes or something, then needs to wander...)
Perhaps others have some ideas?
Melissa Orlov
Re: Distracted During Sex
Submitted by Enjoylife5 on
this makes so much sense
Submitted by buttercup on
My partner and I have broken up more times than I can count on my fingers and toes. It seems the minute we get to that place in a relationship when we're no longer in the honeymoon period, he's gotta have space. I couldn't understand why he kept doing this and then coming back, when there were never any problems, but this makes a lot of sense.
thank you
Submitted by junebean on
Bedroom Strategies
Submitted by ADD Husband (not verified) on
RE: Distracted During Sex
Submitted by Jerry (not verified) on
I too have a husband that I
Submitted by StrongWomanInControl on
Staying focused during sex
Submitted by Amy Stapleford (not verified) on
I'm the ONE
Submitted by ADDwife on
THIS IS ME!!!!!!
My husband thought I didn't love him anymore. I wanted sex.....but it wasn't fun because my mind was inundated with CRAP that meant nothing. So, I avoided it.
I had no idea it was ADD. Got diagnosed, got meds............now, we keep it novel. Never the same thing twice in a row. Different room, different position, different mood, sensual, dirty talking, text msgs, you name it. And it is awesomely better for us both. I don't feel so frustrated that he's aroused and I'm not even starting to heat up yet. I hated that! Or there was a noise, the dog moved, etc. etc. etc. that would simply render me so distracted that I was done.
Granted, it's much easier when we have daytime opportunity cuz the meds help a LOT! But being able to stick to my diet and loosing 10lbs in the last 5 weeks has helped my view of myself greatly. It's hard to think that someone wants you or thinks you are sexy when all you focus on is the things you don't like. Working on some other self esteem issues has helped as well.
It's not a cure. I'm not perfect -- and never will be. But, I can say this -- our sex life is important and we weren't treating it that way and it suffered even more drastically because of my ADD. It is more important than dirty dishes or watching tv......and when we treat it that way, it really is a good thing.
Hope this helps someone :) It helped me!
Having Sex With My ADD Husband
Submitted by lunaloveg0od on
My husband has bad ADD and sex was very difficult for a long time. It actually took us quite a while to have sex because it would take him so long to orgasm. Honestly, I would grow too tired to orgasm anymore while waiting for him to reach his. Then I came up with two different approaches that have worked really well for us:
1. Its a hard balance to achieve, but make love to my husband (tender touches, passionate words, sensual looks) and (bleep) his ADD. And by that, I mean make the intercourse as hardcore as possible. Go as fast and hard as you can. Basically below the waste, let your vagina take control. Above the waste, let your heart guide you. I find that if the feeling of sex is so intense, his mind does not wander and we're able to be romantic and passionate at the same time.
2. This approach works well when its not about lovemaking. But rather when we're just plain horny. Pure and simple, switch it up frequently. I usually cycle randomly between hand, oral, and vaginal sex. And when its not oral, I keep the dirty talk and fondling extremely intense. My logic here is that by bombarding his senses with sex, his mind becomes too overwhelmed to wander. It works very well for us. We're both usually exhausted by the end.
Hope this helps and I hope I wasn't too blunt for anyone. Apologies of I was.
SEX AND DISTRACTION
Submitted by crave2batrest on
I'm an ADHD spouse in love with a very desirable wife. My problem is that "performance anxiety" and distractability are a big problem. I've tried to tell her that I do desire her, but she doesn't always understand or believe me. How do I make my actions speak for me and show her how I feel? Several physical exams have found no physical cause.
I realized...
Submitted by Alejandro2323 on
I thought I was the only one
Submitted by Druza on
It's good to know that I am not the only one. I think I have that too, and I frustrates me. Every time single day for the past 2 months , I am having this problem . Now to make thing worse , now every time I try for the second time, I get nervous and I and up not getting an erection at all. Even if I try for play it does not work. Don't get me wrong I lovely wife but I think this might cripple are marriage because Which all of that makes her feel like I am rejecting her.
Sex and other subjects :)
Submitted by c ur self on
My wife gets very distracted in this same manner...it is quiet frustrating to be deep into love making and have her out of no where start talking about something that just floats through her brain...:) Its not a huge turn on :)...Melissa gave you some excellent points...Our best sex has been standing up in the closet and after a shower together, just set her on the counter...Also, she seems less distracted with the lights on, maybe the visual influence helps her focus...The mornings are bad, because she can't wake up, and nights are bad because she is to tired and she can't get motivated...So I have found out the best time for my wife is midday or after she has been up and going for a few hours...One more thing...I think she likes it better when it's her idea...this one maybe more of a female thing :)
ADD Boyfriend
Submitted by midnight_09 on
It's quite frustrating to be turned on and in mid-stroke with your partner then all of a sudden they begin rambling on about something totally not meant for the bedroom, ie THE SUPERMARKET! Now I know most times it's not even my partner's fault. I feel that he can't help himself, and his mind NEEDS to wander, but... his busy mind has definitely placed a damper on our sex life. We went from sexual activity 2 or 3 times a day, to maybe mutually masturbating once or twice a week. We'd try and try, and I'd be up and ready to go.. but him, not so much. At one point, I figured he just wasn't attracted to me anymore. But he tells me every day how gorgeous he thinks I am, and how he's lucky to have met me and such, which in turn cures me from my self doubt, but also confuses me even more as to why he can't concentrate on making love to me. Then on the rare occasion we do seem to get things going, it takes me about a normal time frame to reach a climax, but for him.. some days it takes a pretty decent amount of time. It gets pretty tiring to the point where we just kind of decide to stop and watch TV or something. But its because he can't allow his mind to concentrate on the awesome sex he's having bc he's thinking of something else. I just need to know how to get and KEEP my ADD Boyfriend's attention so we can both fully enjoy sex again.