Hello...
Been awhile since i posted... As a quick recap, i am a non ADHD/ADD spouse in a marriage to an ADD/ADHD woman. A woman i love immensely.. Back in December my wife had a 3 day "Episode" that was the final straw... She had been abusing her Adderol in addition to Vodka... and no sleep... I cannot describe how TOXIC this combo is... I have seen it before, but not to this extent. My wife and i have been married going on 5 yrs... We have been together since late 2010.... She is an incredible woman when she's not in her MANIC ( my words) state.
In December, i left our home... I filed for Divorce,I retained an attorney, as did she.. Things were very rocky for 4 months.. On April 1st... after we had only been communicating about divorce, Business, she randomly text me stating that ( i hope i can say this) that she was H**** and want to simply have sex.. Neither of us had been with anyone in 4 months.. I actually though it was an April Fools prank f***ing with me... Sex was not good prior to seperation... It was going through the motions, for her... As the Adderol , alcohol kept her from "feeling sexual".. Anyway, i took her up on it... We did the deed... It was incredible... and after we were able to catch up, converse, and be nice to each other..
In the past 4 months she has stopped drinking, She has changed doc's... Her new Doc has diagnosed her with Anxiety Disorder, not ADD/ADHD... Is that possible? He took her off Adderol and prescribed her an SSRI.... Celexa.. She had been taking Adderol since 2009!!! She is so pleasant to be around now... bright eye's, Brilliant smile, and her personality is back... We are putting our home on the market next month... She does not want the Divorce but respects and supports my decision to get a Divorce.. She has also OWNED her part and her regret of treating me like she did so many times. She loves me, and i her... We have spent some time together just chatting, catching up... We have had Sex a couple more times and each time was better than the other...
The Divorce will go through... But here is my dilemma... She says she wants to date to show me that she is different, She says she would have NEVER seek'd out help professionally had it not cost her her marrriage... She doesn't want to lose us... I love her, i Love being around her now We are the same age... I am 57, she 56... We click, We have both been cheated on in our previous marriage, neither of us are adultrers...
Is it possible to change, forever? She has said that she may go away ( out of state) to reboot.. Her job will allow her to work remotely.. The thought of starting over at my age is scary... I really don't care to.. My wife is drop dead gorgeous and can control a room when she walks in... Selfishly, the though of her with another man freaks me out.. She feels the same about me and tells me so... ( i live in the Gym) Very good shape!! We compliment each other...
Do any of you have experience similar to mine? I am open to your thoughts, opinions pertaining to my situation. I appreciate you taking time to read. I have a thick skin so fire away....
Thanks again...
Wow...and...
Submitted by JohnN on
Wow, that is a very powerful story/history, both the good and the bad, and especially the fact that in your different ways you can both find the strength and honesty and, let's face it, love (which doesn't need to be romantic love to be real and impressive) to sort out past, present and possible future. But here you are, and you ask: is it possible for someone to change forever?
Absolutely, yes, this is possible. It happens when someone makes a choice, or really many choices, every day. The AA principle is really so simple, powerful and true: one day at a time. You can change forever...and you do it one day at a time.
One thing to remember is that she, and you and I and everyone else, are going to mess up sometimes. I can truly in my deepest inner being want to do things differently, do things better, but find myself doing things I don't want to do and not doing things I want to do so much. Change is possible but it is not magic and it is definitely not "clean" or neat. It does not look like it sometimes does in books and movies. (As a random note, and I stress that I'm not a psychologist, I wonder if the alcohol + drug abuse was in part a way for her to deal with her disappointments with herself. I don't think you can know how easy it is for people who are neruo-atypical to get really brutal and savage with themselves.)
I hate to say this but you seem to know this already: change has to involve both of you, to some degree. If you both decide to start a new life together, you have to accept that there are some things that she, and you, and both of you, will struggle with for the rest of your time together. She can carry her burdens better and some she can even put down and leave, but she will have to commit to being aware of her challenges and commit to wrestling with them for the rest of her life.
You, too, will have to accept that there are some things she will always struggle with at one level or another, and accept that you're going to have to struggle with how they show up and how the affect you (singular and plural), at one level or another, for the rest of your time together. This can be a painful thing. You will probably have to let go of some of your expectations and hopes and dreams to make room for real day-to-day life together. You may need to do some real, and really painful, grieving. Unmistakeably, you will be giving up some things very dear to you.
I feel deeply for both of you. I'm the, umm, neruo-atypical, parner in my marriage. Sometimes I wonder why my wife should have to put up with "stuff." Sometimes I wonder why *I* have to put up with the "stuff," my stuff. It's not my fault, but it is my responsibility, and nothing I can ever do is going to be perfect every time. (Same for everyone else, of course...)
So, if you're still reading (!), I would say yes, she can change forever, but she needs to understand that she will need to work at it every single day. There's no "vacation," no time off. For your part, you need to decide how serious she is, how committed. And you need to decide how much you trust her and, as a different matter, whether you think you can deal with the $h!7 that you need to know will come up from time to time for as long as you're together. I have no wisdom, no insights, on how the two of you work that out individually and together, other than thinking that maybe if you are both interested in getting and staying back together it might be helpful to discuss an extended and probably uncommitted period of dating - maybe years (plural). That might sound like a big bummer, but life is really a one day at a time proposition anyway. If you live each day as if it's the only one that matters, maybe nouns and adjectives don't really matter. :-) Very best wishes and best luck.
Two cents worth....
Submitted by c ur self on
In my opinion you should stop the divorce, and work at being one again with your wife....Y'all (like us) have both lived the greater portion of your lives (beautiful wife, in shape guy (gym) also)....But, I have found out a few things had to happen for us to continue down a good road.....1) Acceptance (never attempt to point out or fix another person) 2) show grace, and be understanding, and also calmly walk away when the fog rises again, and it will...3) We have to learn to live and let live when our thinking and struggles in life have a vast difference like some of us have.....4) I find I can't perform these disciplines alone, I have to depend on my heavenly Father for help, without him, my Pride, and my self-righteousness becomes destructive....
I wish you well in your life, (her also) what ever you guys decide....
c
Good advice
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
I hear you say that the divorce will go through and respect that. You don't mention kids, so it seems you could have a non-married relationship, as well, and perhaps that would be healthy because it might hold you both to a somewhat higher standard of daily behavior.
There is healing that needs to happen for you both in this, and taking it one day at a time is good advice. In doing so, I would also seek to understand your fears about being alone, as well as what the benefits and downsides are to your relationship. Learn where your pain is in all of this and lean into it so that you can confront it and let it move through you. Assess what works for you in being with this specific partner, and what doesn't. What works best for you, yourself, in this situation (it sounds, for example, that divorce works best...so there may be a lack of trust and a sense that you need more room to maneuver...explore what that's about). Over time, particularly if you give yourself the space you need from your past patterns of interaction, the answer to 'should we stay together?' will become more clear.
In general, I think fear of an unknown future is not a great reason to stay in a relationship. Having a true connection, and understanding that each of you makes a better life together than not together is a better one.
If Celexa is helping why not try
Submitted by Sunshine76 on
I am begging my husband to go on Celexa. If she is better on the medication why not try to make it work?