I have been a lurker here for a couple of years, often drawing strength from knowing I was not facing some strange altered view of life.
In November, after ready The ADD Spouse, I chose to leave my spouse permanently.
Lying, procrastination, depression, medication shifts and all the rest of the yucky underbelly of dealing with someone with ADHD was just too much for me. Don't get my wrong, my ex is an amazing individual. But being a great person in the heart and being able to function in a family are very differnet things.
The worst part about leaving was that when things were stable, life was synchronized, patterns were set, hormones were even, medication was level, the moon was in the seventh house (okay, maybe not that. :)), then I felt terrible about leaving. This person loves me! I can ask my ex to go gluten-free, change doctors, try new treatments! Have hope!
But, at the end of the day, living with someone with ADHD takes a very special person that I was not able to be. I came across as agitated and betrayed and controlling. In retrospect, I think it is what ADHD did to me: ADHD has side effects on the spouse, too.
I've read and read here about the pain and debates about ADHD. No one is as beautiful as my ex is to me. No one will likely love me more. But today, I had to see my ex for a psychiatrist appointment -- one where I thought she was getting treatment and guidance from an expert. But in the end, it turned out, she hadn't seen the doctor regularly, wasn't getting the psychological help she needed and, just is being medicated. My heart broke all over again.
...somehow, some way, I thought that she would get help at last. And sadly, nothing had changed.
Tonight I'm glad to have made the decision to be free from ADHD and feel at peace knowing that it wouldn't have mattered what I'd done: my ex's ADHD rules her world. And, I guess by survival, no longer rules mine.
The title of your post says
Submitted by funnyfarm on
The title of your post says divorce and kids...so how did your kids take it ? I have wanted to divorce my H on and off for years, first my reason not to was the kids were young and i didn't want to be a single mom with 2 babies, then they got older and again i thought all children should grow up with a dad, now they are even older...they don't "need" their dad so much, he barley spends time with them anyway, but they still want their dad around... My kids are the only thing that has kept me from divorcing my H. I am afraid of what it would do to them...everyone always says 'kids adapt'...i suppose its true but they still feel the heartache and loss. We have 'good days' like you said when all the stars and moon are aligned, but the good day / bad day ratio is about 50/50.
You are so right, ADHD affects the spouse..I am not the same person I used to be. I know we all change, no one ever stays the same, but it has changed me for the worse, and not just from my spouse, but my kids ADHD, my mom's ADD. Controlling the chaos is just too much sometimes...its suffocating me