I haven't posted in some time. For a short review, my (now ex) DH is ADHD. We were married for 29 years. He left 5 months after the sudden death of my mother. I tried to get him to work on our marriage, he just didn't want to. He filed for divorce last October. It became final today. Our 16 year old son is living with me in our home, which I get to keep. I have mixed emotions. I'm sad about the marriage ending because at some point he was my best friend and the husband I loved. I'm also relieved and a bit excited about what my future will be. I have been on my own since July 2014 and I have to say, I enjoy it. There's not as much money coming in, but there's not as much going out, either. There's a peace I didn't have before.
I am in no way advocating for divorce. If my ex-husband would have been willing to fight for us, I would have been right there with him. He chose not to. I hope those of you who are still in marriages with ADHD spouses find a way to make it work. The best to you all.
Blessings as you go forward....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
I hope that your ex was ordered to pay child support, and I hope he was ordered to compensate you in some way for the way he left you 'high and dry"...and spent your child's college fund? Often courts will punish for that sort of thing. I hope the court punished him for that.
I went back and read some of your posts and it strangely reminded me of the way my H behaved when he moved out (twice). The bravado, the swagger, the difficulties over money, taking money, cutting me off financially, etc. He had been the main breadwinner our entire marriage (at the times he left), and he didn't give me ONE DIME while he was gone each time. (it was one way he "punished" me.....H has a personality disorder, likely BPD and NPD, so punishment is an important aspect to him). He moved money into his name alone. Thank goodness I had an inheritance to get me thru those times otherwise God only knows what would have happened.
In my situation, H had an a-hole brother cheering him on to divorce me. H's brother lives 1000+ miles away and doesn't really know us at all. I've only seen him a few times, for short visits, which have all been very pleasant, so his "hate" for me is/was purely manufactured by lies from H. H is also an alcoholic, and H's naive brother knows nothing about alcoholism, so he believed H's claim that I "caused" him to become an alcoholic.
H's brother is no longer in our lives. H ended up "wearing out his welcome" in his brother's home. His brother got schooled rather quickly and "in his face" when H behaved badly in his brother's home and to his brother's wife. oops...lol. I got the last laugh there. Stupid brother-in-law. H's brother also got a real "heads up" when he read some of my emails to H, all civilly written, but clearly laying the facts down of bad things that H had done over the years, including pics and screenshots of damage H had done during his drunken rages, etc. H's brother had convinced H to let his brother have access to his emails from me, which H had not read himself. H was mortified when he found out what his brother learned. And, H's brother pretty much ended their "friendship."
My point of telling you all this is because H's bravado and behaviors during this time were a lot as you described. But it was all a false front. He had convinced himself that he's some kind of victim (victim of what??).
With no one else left to "believe" his crazy stories....and they are crazy.....H came back and knows that he has no one else. One of our kids has disowned him. Another child has limited contact and obviously favors me.
You mention having a child. I imagine that your child is angry at his dad....or at least will be. It's amazing how a parent can behave this way with little thought of how their children will react. During H's worst behaviors, he never thought, "my kids are going to hate me for this." Instead, H would convince himself that I was causing our kids not to like him. Delusional. They've seen horrific behaviors, they are high IQ children. They obviously can form their own opinions based on obvious facts......Dad equals unstable, can't rely on him, and mentally ill. Mom equals stable, there for us, takes care of us, normal.
When I read your posts I couldn't help but think, "this guy won't last." I don't see how he can last by himself. That bravado is a false front. It's a bully's jeer. Do you know how he's doing? You may not much care. Does he have any addiction issues? You may not even know. My H his his drinking problem from me for YEARS by only drinking after I went to sleep. I was clueless. I knew his raging had become worse, but I didn't know it was due to booze since I didn't know he was drinking.
Unless your H has some sort of support system (friends or family) I don't see how he'll last.
overwhelmedwife, My ex
Submitted by WornOutMB on
overwhelmedwife, My ex-husband convinced himself we are just not compatible, too different for our marriage to continue. He thinks that I am not fun enough, not spontaneous enough, and too controlling. What I am is responsible. I know how to have fun, just at the right time. His younger sister is the one who encouraged him to leave. I know she did. When he was here he would get calls from her and go into the garage to talk. I am still in touch with his older sister who was a big support for me after my mother's death. She thinks he made a big mistake. His mother and younger sister cater to his ADHD, guide him and encourage the victim stance. I could not compete with that. Because I wanted things to change, could not live with the way they were I became the villain, the reason for his miserable life. I saw him do that with people during our 29 year marriage. When people would expect him to be responsible, they would become his enemy. I just never imagined he would turn on me.
Our son has a good relationship with his dad. He realizes the problems his dad has and doesn't agree with what he did, but still loves his dad. I would not encourage anything else. His dad is not a reliable person, he knows it. I'm here for him, he knows it. My ex-husband will not get the help he needs no matter who it affects. It some ways it makes me sad because I don't see a good future for him. He thinks he got rid of the problem by getting rid of me, but he carries himself wherever he goes. It is something he will have to learn for himself.
His mother and younger sister cater to his ADHD, guide him and e
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
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His mother and younger sister cater to his ADHD, guide him and encourage the victim stance.
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Well, for the past 30 years, they haven't had to deal with him 24/7. Now that he doesn't have you taking care of things, that burden will fall to his younger sister and his mom. Not only will they tire of that, your ex-H will begin to resent them, too.
H's brother was the one who encouraged him to file for divorce, and he encouraged him to live with him and his wife. So, H moved 1000+ miles away to live with them. I'm sure they were very happy....for awhile....soon H was annoying the heck out of them, they were having to "parent" him and it got old. H's brother tried to manage H's meds, since H mis-used his meds often. H quickly got tired of them "running his life" and being "bossy" and "treating him like a two year old," and he came home.
To people who think they are "helping" when they encourage mentally-unhealthy people to leave their spouses: Be careful what you wish for....
Blessings WornOutMB....
Submitted by c ur self on
Stay strong; count your blessings and love that young man in your life!
Jesus loves you!
C
c ur self, It is the
Submitted by WornOutMB on
c ur self, It is the knowledge that Jesus loves me and is with me always that has kept me going. I am blessed to have a wonderful son who also loves our Lord. The Lord is good. Thank you for your encouragement.
:)
Submitted by c ur self on
Now you've made my day!