I am 30 with a one year old, my husband has adhd recently on meds and diagnosed. I am struggling, I am now back to work, I have a young baby and I don't see any progress. My husband thinks the pills are his way of changing and making an effort when there are so many other things that need to be addressed for our marriage to succeed. He makes impulsive decisions, I am always the responsible one picking up the pieces and I'm burning out especially when I want to focus on caring for my baby not my husband. He thinks I'm a raging bitch and always pointing how his flaws. I don't know what to do he lacks insight so if I don't bring things up he doesn't even know they are a problem but if I bring them up he gets pissed. We're at a cross roads. I don't know how to get through to him, I know he loves me and loves our son but I can't live like this anymore. We are planning to separate but I am so upset and mad and sad that my son is going to have to go through this I don't have anyone to talk to about divorce and separation with a one year old, I feel so lost and unsure how to protect my self, and my son from the sadness and confusion. I want to just fake it and pretend everything is fine so I don't have to be away from my son or deal with the consequences of a separation or divorce like our house, jobs finances, it's so overwhelming, any advice?
Divorce, separation, desperation
Submitted by kal11 on 02/03/2021.
My heart goes out to you.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
Pretending everything is fine won't work. I tried to hold it together and pretend that everything was going okay in my marriage. And we had two children. We eventually divorced and I know how heartbreaking that is. I didn't want my children to have divorced parents I really wanted it to work. Problem was in my situation there was abuse involved. He saw no reason to change and was not going to admit that he abused me so I had no other choice.
You must see it for what it is......
Submitted by c ur self on
Allow that love you feel he has for you two to be tested.....Set boundaries to protect yourself (and him)...You can't participate in many things in life with a spouse that you can't trust....The only way to free yourself from the clutches of a bad dispositions, and irresponsibility, is to not take part....Set boundaries....I don't share finances, I do taxes married filing separate, I don't ride in her car, after years of dealing with her hyper focus and laziness (disdain for daily life chores) I have no problem saying no thank you!...If you mother them, it's a death sentence for your own peace...(They will use you up w/o a thought)
The more you force them to be accountable for THEIR own adult life and responsibilities, the more they will hate it, but, the more they will grow....Boundaries have to start w/ us....No negative emotions, no judgments...You can only do that (quietly walk away) when you set boundaries to protect yourself from irresponsibility...I would have left my wife long ago w/o boundaries....
We have to live and let live when we are so so different in mind, and in lifestyles.....
c
Save yourself 30 years of misery
Submitted by adhd32 on
I am 60 and could have written your post 30 years ago when I was new mom with 2 babies. The only difference is I was unaware that H's behavior was from ADD. Don't feel badly about moving on, it will be best for your baby. My 30 year old daughter recently told me how much my H's constant criticism and blaming of everything and everyone throughout her life affected her self confidence. She said that even though H wasn't directing his anger and frustration at her, she felt that she never knew when her turn would come. She was the studious, quiet, child growing up; hanging back so as not to be noticed and become easy prey. She turned the anxiety inward and never developed a strong sense of self confidence. She is better now that she has worked it out in therapy. I am so sad and have so much guilt over this.
Your son will adapt to divorce at one year old since he has never known any other life. Raising children with someone who is a ticking time bomb is beyond frustrating. Often times I would just carry on life and responsibilities as if he didn't exist. He was uninterested in the development and education of our children and did not add anything but stress. He never established any type of bond with either of our children. He was critical of their friends and made snarky remarks about their interests. He was very vocal about having to "give up his time" when he was asked to drive the car pool or attend a school/ church event or even an extended family event. He would go BUT with a chip on his shoulder and expecting recognition for doing what he should be doing as a father. His behavior could be so embarrassing because he would become bored and would do or say something stupid for the dopamine rush. My daughter would not let him go to visit any colleges after observing his behavior during visits for her brother. Being completely uninformed, when he had input he made rash suggestions and meted out ridiculous consequence that he expected me to enforce. He acted as though I was doing too much for the kids and actually said several times over the years, especially when he felt inconvenienced, "my parents never did that for me" as though it was some contest and his kid was getting more than he got growing up!! By the time they were in middle school the kids had his number and stopped trying to initiate any relationship with him.
I am not saying this will be your future, I am sharing my past so you can see that there is more to family dynamics than just having daddy (or ADD mommy) in the house. Daddy's behavior (even behavior not directed at the child) and lack of engagement can be far worse on a child than not having him present. Holding the dysfunctional family together, from my perspective, is a big mistake. If you have the means and support and can make it on your own while your son is young enough to avoid the psychological damage of an out of control ADD parent, seriously consider moving on for your child's sake.