My Husband's answer to every problem, big or small, has always been to get a divorce. I've always said, he's lived for 23 years with one foot out the door. Having only recently been diagnosed, and only starting meds a week ago, I was determined to ride this out for awhile. But now he just seems calmer, more resolved, and I guess peaceful about a divorce. Now I've been cut out of his counseling altogether, he's bordering on anxious to move on to his new and improved life WITHOUT ME! I'm thinking about going away for the weekend with no warning. Every weekend for about a month I've said I'm going to go, and he'd respond that he would go but he wouldn't. He'd stay here and fight with me all weekend and tear me down and destroy me, in front of our kids. Has anyone tried to just leave for a 48 hour period, leave a note, what is the likely response? I've never done anything like this because I've been petrified of losing him, but I feel like I already have and I really need some space. His answer to everything is divorce, and now he's resolved and his answer to everything is to work out the details of the divorce. Should I get up Friday morning and just take off? should I tell him I'm going? Should I shut my phone off? Help!
Is Divorce their answer to EVERY problem?
Submitted by Strangebird on 02/04/2015.
You need to shake that fear....
Submitted by c ur self on
Based on this post he is manipulating you and your allowing it because of your fear...I suggest you not engage his comments if they are not loving. You don't deserve his verbal abuse and the children sure don't!
If my wife threatened divorce like that...I would tell her....Hey let me get the door for you! You two really need some counseling....It's sounds dangerous to me. I feel for your children...
Here's a couple of books that might help if you can get him to read them...Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas...And Desperate marriage Gary Chapman...
God bless you....
Away for 48 hrs while he thinks he wants a divorce?
Submitted by sunlight on
"Should I get up Friday morning and just take off?"
Given that he is "bordering on anxious to move on to his new and improved life" and "his answer to everything is to work out the details of the divorce", how do you know he won't change the locks? Or take off with the kids (if you're not taking them)? Given his (probably) squirrelly thinking he might easily accuse you of being "the one who left" and use it in court against you one day. Yes/No?
Agreed
Submitted by laney on
This is a real possibility. I would never, ever disappear and give him the opportunity to take control of a (potential) divorce, and much worse, the kids.
My advice for the original poster would be that it is much more practical to follow through and really explore what a divorce would look like in real life. Do the math, get an attorney, find out what rights you have, figure out what the likely outcomes for the kids are. If you don't already have a separate account, get one. Move your important papers into your own safe deposit box. Make sure you know how to get into every account, and change the passwords on any accounts that you control. Make a list of all your assets, down to the last fork in the utensil drawer, and write down what you think should happen to them. If he is continually talking divorce, it is very important to get these facts straight and to know what you're doing. He is probably reaching for divorce for one or more of the following reasons: because it is new, because it is exciting and dramatic, because he's exhausted with dealing with the marital problems, because he has no idea how to fix the marital problems, because it is easier in the short term to leave rather than do the hard work. He is most likely not approaching a divorce with any amount of logic or a strong grasp on reality. He can unleash this lion whenever he wants, and if he does, you want to be the one with the chair and the whip.
Just remember that preparing for a divorce is not deciding to have a divorce. It is just taking precautions, given the possibility that your husband is saying is very real. Best of luck.
There is a concern that he could claim that you abandoned the fa
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
the family.
You need to be careful with that.
My H likes to use the divorce threat to get his way.
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
H will often turn to the divorce threat as the answer....but really just to get his way. now, I no longer care, so I say, "fine,"
Now that H is retired, I don't have to worry as much. Before I had to worry about whether I would be awarded adequate spousal support. Now that he's retired, I would just automatically get half of his pension....which is a LOT more than I would ever get in spousal support. Now that H knows that, he's threatening less often.
I went
Submitted by Strangebird on
I don't like to post too many personal identifiers, but I am a lawyer. I can't tell you how much good it did for me to get away for a weekend. I let him know after he left for work, via text that I was going so long as it wouldn't put hi over the edge. I told the kids before they left for school that I was probably going. I told him I was taking my sewing machine, and a few projects, to a crappy hotel, and just sewing for 48 hours and thinking. I took a briefcase of work, and my laptop but never touched them. He wasn't thrilled, and was actually home before I left, and I assured him that I wasn't doing anything wrong. He saw the piles of drapery fabrics and projects in my car. Being an attorney, I'd encourage all of you to get some advice from an attorney in your jurisdiction regarding the legal ramification of a weekend away. There are no legal ramifications of abandonment where I'm at, and it would have no impact on a custody fight. All of the concerns stated above are completely unfounded and if anyone is in need of a few days away should just go and get it. I can't count the number of attorneys that advise their clients to remain in the home in situations like mine so they don'e "lose the house". but leaving the home does not divest you of your rights to it!! What a ridiculous argument! My entire practice is family/domestic relations law. My concern was not any of the above, it was solely his anger, and my kids getting caught in the cross fire. I know now that I need time for me, I need to find me again, and my kids need ME, not the person who walks on eggshells and never smiles. They need a mother who is not sitting around waiting to be told she's getting divorced because she's not good enough AGAIN!
I'm glad you got away!
Submitted by laney on
I am so glad you got some time to think and got away. It is awesome to have time alone, and it is horrible to live with someone who causes such pain and stress. I say from experience, too, that it is so, so nice when the kids don't have to witness the fighting.
Whereas I realize in the long run, leaving the house doesn't forfeit your right to the house or your kids in a divorce, leaving the house for a long period of time leaves the other spouse a big opportunity to do nasty things, including changing locks, moving possessions and moving kids. In the end, it gets worked out, but there is a long period of time where the other spouse has a whole lot of control and things have to move slowly through the courts.
Given that you're an attorney in this area, I suppose your spouse would not dare to mess with you. The rest of us perhaps aren't so lucky. Before I divorced him, my spouse took the kids out of town for a period of time without telling me where, removed possessions from the home, took money from joint accounts and retirement accounts. The kids were returned, a bit traumatized but quite well, after a long five days. Some of the possessions were returned, but the money was just flat gone. This all happened when I was at work for a single shift, so I can't imagine what he could have pulled off if I'd left for a weekend. Oh, and no one's rights were divested, including his, but things were a mess for a while. I absolutely stand by the statement that for many of us, it isn't a great idea to leave everything you care about solely in the hands of someone who is threatening divorce on a regular basis.