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For me, the big change came when I was first diagnosed. After a time, with a great deal of work and education, I realized I was different in more ways than I initially thought. Once I came to the realization that everyone was not like me ( what I had grown up believing...I was just like everyone else and they like me ).....I began to listen and learn about other people more, knowing that I'm the one who's most likely different. That was a real game changer when I stopped assuming and started learning, so it is possible.
I haven't seen this happen a lot. My partner with severe ADD was unaware of most of the impact his symptoms had on me and our family. He didn't realize he didn't communicate and was upset when I couldn't read his mind. He had no notion of being completely silent at the dinner table and that it made me feel alone. He assumed I would design and take responsibility for our life. Also that the design would fit him, though he couldn't express his needs or preferences. With time, our perceptions had less and less in common. Finally, having been supported financially and practically with little contribution of his own for most of our life together, he thought I owed him.
I've seen these tendencies with other ADHD people close to me too. I can't assume they see what I see.
In a sense, I find it comforting. It wasn't malice that destroyed our family. My partner didn't willfully rob me of happiness and health. He just couldn't understand me.
It's clear to me that the adhd guy I've been involved with isn't just a neurotypical with a big bag of troubling symptoms, but that the divergence extends to his perspective and way of looking at things. It isn't a lack of intelligence, empathy, or character that makes his perspective and understanding of things vastly different from mine, it's a completely different reference point. And, I am also clear that just as baffling as his thought processes are to me, mine can be to him.
Not understanding this has led to many clashes where assumptions were made on both sides. The biggest damaging assumption that I've made has been "Surely he understands the situation as I do and intentionally thwarts me because he disagrees with me" when the reality is he's viewing things from an entirely different vantage point and can't see what I see until I describe it.
I think you're very close to identifying something very important, in fact, possible the answer to the this question about perspective or being able to "see".
Imagine closing one eye and holding an empty toilet paper tube up to your other eye. Now imagine as you look around you, you can see in front of you at all times, only what you can see through the toilet paper tube and nothing else. Your perspective will be based and limited to, only the field of view you can see in that tiny space.
So, if someone was trying to have a conversation with you about everything in the entire room...those things are completely outside of your field of view. They're invisible to you and you'd have no real idea what they're talking about. Perhaps in context, you might be able to piece together some image or idea of what they're saying but, you are essentially blind to anything outside the field of view you can actually see through the toilet paper tube.
Now imagine, you have no idea your field of view is limited to just a toilet paper tube and you believe you can see everything everyone else can see? This would make for a real problem having a conversation with someone who can see the entire room and you can't? Basically, they're perspective is the whole room and yours is a based only what you can see through a toilet paper tube?
So, is this a perspective issue or a field of view issue? I think it's actually both because they are inextricably linked together.
That analogy, I think, might help to explain what it's like having ADHD at times. Personally, I don't believe having ADHD precludes a person from widening your field of view......
But, the first step is understanding, that you're actually looking through a toilet paper tube first, or nothing will ever change.
I was thinking about my partner on the way to work today, feeling lucky to have her in my life and appreciating so many things about her. A big part of our connection is based on being very much alike in many ways. This keeps conflict low and agreeableness high. We also share the same sense of humor and make each other laugh everyday. Laughter is a big part of our relationship. I also think a big part of our equation is the fact that we both have ADHD.
So, if you were to ask me if I understood how other people think? When it comes to my partner ( girlfriend ) the answer would be yes...absolutely! I understand her and how she thinks because our brains are both wired the same way.
Just a thought, that came in late....as usual. Lol
The adhd man in question for me, has a playful nature and one area we have been able to connect for sure is in our shared humor. I am naturally silly, and I know that I get to see a side of him that not everybody does, because he seems to avoid interacting very closely in social situations (so do I, as an introvert). But when we are together the play is on and we have a million private jokes going all the time.
I Think They Can
Submitted by J on
For me, the big change came when I was first diagnosed. After a time, with a great deal of work and education, I realized I was different in more ways than I initially thought. Once I came to the realization that everyone was not like me ( what I had grown up believing...I was just like everyone else and they like me ).....I began to listen and learn about other people more, knowing that I'm the one who's most likely different. That was a real game changer when I stopped assuming and started learning, so it is possible.
J
I hope so. I think so.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I hope so. I think so.
I doubt it
Submitted by Swedish coast on
I haven't seen this happen a lot. My partner with severe ADD was unaware of most of the impact his symptoms had on me and our family. He didn't realize he didn't communicate and was upset when I couldn't read his mind. He had no notion of being completely silent at the dinner table and that it made me feel alone. He assumed I would design and take responsibility for our life. Also that the design would fit him, though he couldn't express his needs or preferences. With time, our perceptions had less and less in common. Finally, having been supported financially and practically with little contribution of his own for most of our life together, he thought I owed him.
I've seen these tendencies with other ADHD people close to me too. I can't assume they see what I see.
In a sense, I find it comforting. It wasn't malice that destroyed our family. My partner didn't willfully rob me of happiness and health. He just couldn't understand me.
Not always, but sometimes...
Submitted by CANTGOBACK (not verified) on
It's clear to me that the adhd guy I've been involved with isn't just a neurotypical with a big bag of troubling symptoms, but that the divergence extends to his perspective and way of looking at things. It isn't a lack of intelligence, empathy, or character that makes his perspective and understanding of things vastly different from mine, it's a completely different reference point. And, I am also clear that just as baffling as his thought processes are to me, mine can be to him.
Not understanding this has led to many clashes where assumptions were made on both sides. The biggest damaging assumption that I've made has been "Surely he understands the situation as I do and intentionally thwarts me because he disagrees with me" when the reality is he's viewing things from an entirely different vantage point and can't see what I see until I describe it.
Field of View is Key
Submitted by J on
Hi Cantgoback,
I think you're very close to identifying something very important, in fact, possible the answer to the this question about perspective or being able to "see".
Imagine closing one eye and holding an empty toilet paper tube up to your other eye. Now imagine as you look around you, you can see in front of you at all times, only what you can see through the toilet paper tube and nothing else. Your perspective will be based and limited to, only the field of view you can see in that tiny space.
So, if someone was trying to have a conversation with you about everything in the entire room...those things are completely outside of your field of view. They're invisible to you and you'd have no real idea what they're talking about. Perhaps in context, you might be able to piece together some image or idea of what they're saying but, you are essentially blind to anything outside the field of view you can actually see through the toilet paper tube.
Now imagine, you have no idea your field of view is limited to just a toilet paper tube and you believe you can see everything everyone else can see? This would make for a real problem having a conversation with someone who can see the entire room and you can't? Basically, they're perspective is the whole room and yours is a based only what you can see through a toilet paper tube?
So, is this a perspective issue or a field of view issue? I think it's actually both because they are inextricably linked together.
That analogy, I think, might help to explain what it's like having ADHD at times. Personally, I don't believe having ADHD precludes a person from widening your field of view......
But, the first step is understanding, that you're actually looking through a toilet paper tube first, or nothing will ever change.
Just my two bits, from someone who's been there.
I hope this helps.
J
Yes, makes perfect sense!
Submitted by CANTGOBACK (not verified) on
There are many aspects of adhd thst can create challenges but I find it intriguing. I can appreciate the gifts of this condition as well.
Coming Back to Your Original Question
Submitted by J on
I was thinking about my partner on the way to work today, feeling lucky to have her in my life and appreciating so many things about her. A big part of our connection is based on being very much alike in many ways. This keeps conflict low and agreeableness high. We also share the same sense of humor and make each other laugh everyday. Laughter is a big part of our relationship. I also think a big part of our equation is the fact that we both have ADHD.
So, if you were to ask me if I understood how other people think? When it comes to my partner ( girlfriend ) the answer would be yes...absolutely! I understand her and how she thinks because our brains are both wired the same way.
Just a thought, that came in late....as usual. Lol
J
This makes me smile, J
Submitted by CANTGOBACK (not verified) on
The adhd man in question for me, has a playful nature and one area we have been able to connect for sure is in our shared humor. I am naturally silly, and I know that I get to see a side of him that not everybody does, because he seems to avoid interacting very closely in social situations (so do I, as an introvert). But when we are together the play is on and we have a million private jokes going all the time.
good question
Submitted by adams on
The "theory of mind" in my own ADHD partner (i.e. the ability to understand another's mindset and state) seems to really be impaired.