My husband has asked me to make a list of how he SHOULD respond because he doesn't read my cues, wording, or responses well. I've felt like he has completely disregarded my feelings and opinions for years because he would usually do what he wanted even after he asked me what i wanted to do, then therewould be a big fight and he would say he didn't think it was that big of a deal to me. Since figuring out he has ADHD, I have become much more assertive and emphatic when I don’t want to do something so as not to give him the idea that I could be convinced or that I was undecided (a polite "no" from me was never a full stop, more a beginning point for persuasion or argument for him, causing me to to feel like I am not taken seriously or allowed to have my own opinions about things). Now he is constantly accusing me of being angry or being mean, and defensively telling me to calm down. I'm not angry, mean, or riled up. I am simply being emphatic so there is no "mistake" about my thoughts or feelings. He says he need me to write down what I really mean and how he should interpret it or understand what I'm saying. I don't want to. I have been very specific for years and he just blew me off. After dealing with his behaviors with no diagnosis for all these years and getting nothing but pushback when I tried to communicate with him or stand up for myself, I don't think it's my job to write him an operator's manual for dealing with me. I have encouraged him to go to therapy or get coaching since he is completely opposed to meds. He wants to do couple's therapy. I begged him to go for years and he refused, and now I am no longer in a place where I have any desire to do so until he starts taking some ownership of his ADHD and managing it himself because I have done all the reading and research and I feel like he's only gone along with it and done NOTHING himself besides listen to sermons on how to be a good husband. That's great and all, but the problem is bigger than selfishness and character defects. Anyway, am I just being unreasonable or am I correct in thinking this is just another way I'm having to do the work and he isn't making a serious effort?
Do I make a list?
Submitted by Eighpryl_AB on 07/03/2023.
> He wants to do couple's
Submitted by Jimpy on
> He wants to do couple's therapy.
Better late (and potentially the wrong focus) than never. What do you lose by trying (except a bit of pride?).
It isn't pride. It's having
Submitted by Eighpryl_AB on
It isn't pride. It's having had my thoughts and feelings dismissed and ignored and even ridiculed for 20 years, finally separating myself from him emotionally and physically, and THEN him deciding WE need to do this work together because I'm his "dream girl" and he will do whatever it takes to keep me. I don’t doubt his sincerity. But I've done so much work in this relationship and I have tried so hard, and he didn't have the emotional maturity to be able to hold up his end. It isn't pride at all. I'm just tired of doing the work and I feel like whatever I do is pretty much enabling him to NOT have to do as much as he needs to.
I see what you mean, sorry
Submitted by Jimpy on
I see what you mean, sorry for being dismissive. But a therapist should be balanced. Would you rather not talk about it? Grab this opportunity for objectivity with both hands. I'd he rejects it and makes it your fault, surely that's a clear red line?
Good luck
I see what you're saying
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I feel like given the context you provided, I am reading this situation the same way you are. This is just another way to get others to do the work for him and to put the blame on you for not being clear vs. himself for not taking action. There is a good chance if you provided the list, he would not use it or just use it as a tool to debate further about how "X wasn't on the list" or to pick apart your wording when it suits him. I also think the kind of anger you're getting in response to boundaries is normal. Once I started drawing harder boundaries with my (ex) husband, he got angry too. People don't like when they used to be able to walk all over you and suddenly they can't and I believe anger is a tool to attempt to regain control and get you to go back how you were before so they can be more comfortable again.
As for therapy, I also pleaded with my husband to do Melissa's course and/or therapy for years. The day we split is the day he said he'd do it and that was FAR too late.
Sounds to me like you have learned to stand up for yourself, stick to boundaries and only be responsible for what you should be responsible for. Go you!
Thank you! Yes, it took a
Submitted by Eighpryl_AB on
Thank you! Yes, it took a long time for me to figure out what was going on in our marriage. It's been uphill work with him fighting me on everything. Setting boundaries in place has been helpful, but he still manages to try to use me as his therapist because he claims I'm the only person he has to talk to... about his personal issues AND his issues with me. I keep telling him I am the wrong person to address this with because I struggle to have compassion or sympathize with him (he has been verbally and emotionally abusive to me for most of our marriage, finally started gaining self-awareness through me feeding him ADHD reels and actually paying attention to things OTHER people said to him that lined up with what I've been telling for years, etc). I'm NOT sure how to make that stop without being a total jerk because, again, a gentle "no" or declinging the conversation isn't heard.
Couples therapy?
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
If you can afford to try out couples therapy I think I would give it a try. Let your therapist know that you are trying it out to see if he's genuinely interested in engaging...if he is, then perhaps it will help. And you both may learn some useful stuff. But if it just seems like a blame fest, you know your boundaries...
As for the list...you should NOT do the work of making a list. That's just you being the parent and him the child. HE can take notes and make the list of important things about dealing with you that he needs to know and you share. He probably has trouble reading you, and may not be skilled in communication techniques or other ways to interact with you. And it makes sense for you to tell him in concise ways what does and doesn't work for you, since no one can read another's mind. You may have said it before, but was he listening? Does he have memory issues? Might the note taking work?
If he's unwilling to do the work of taking notes in some shortish sessions where you tell him the highlights of what you need then I am not sure I would bother with th therapy, either. That's a small task...therapy is much harder work.
I really don't want to do
Submitted by Eighpryl_AB on
I really don't want to do couple's therapy unless he's willing to do therapy by himself, as well, and so far, he isn't. We both need it by now, but can probably only afford one person in therapy at a time, so I feel like him having someone who is NOT me to talk to would be very helpful for both of us. I am honestly just not ready to work at being a "happy couple" again yet.
I really appreciate your suggestion about having HIM take notes, tho. Most people I know would consider me a good communicator. I used to try to talk through things with him, write him letters, send him emails, text him about my thoughts, feelings and intentions, generally after he epically misunderstood something. I mean, if he was dedicated enough to go back and find it, I've probably already written it all at some point. But he was so dismissive and refused accountability and blamed me for everything wrong with our relationship for so many years that I eventually gave up and stopped trying to get through to him. The fight wasn't worth it to me unless it was something affecting the kids. I struggle to talk about things with him now because I don't know what to tell him and deep down, I'm just angry and feel so resentful toward him that I don't want to try. He says just tell him what will make me happy and he will do it. But I can't. I'm not trying to be impossible. Maybe that's what marriage counseling would help with, but I'm just not ready to go there with him yet.
Please list your options. You
Submitted by Jimpy on
Please list your options. You have choices to make. We're here to support you.
Good luck