Hi-
I am new to this site and thank god I found this, because it's been insightful in helping me navigate and understand my boyfriend's ADHD symptoms and realizing that I am not alone in my feelings of frustration, disappointment and anger.
Ny boyfriend and I have been together about two and a half years. I will be 37 soon and he is 38. Within eight months of dating, he started talking about marriage, kids and a future with me. I was so elated because I felt like I finally found The One...after decades of dating Mr. Wrong, I was finally in a relationship that had a future. I felt cherished and secure in where were headed and that he was the person I wanted to start a family with. I had never felt that way before with any of my ex-boyfriends.
Fast forward to now. This past year has been so painful and disappointing for me. All talk of marriage and any kind of a future came to a screeching halt. It was like he became someone else. I kept asking myself, "What did I do wrong?" and when I'd finally had enough of wondering what was going on, I confronted him. All he could say is he doesn't know what he wants which is so hard to hear because I've invested so much time and energy into this relationship.
He recently admitted to me that he had ADD, that I was the only person he's ever told and it's really been affecting his life lately. He said he was put in the "dummy" classes all throughout school, his mother often told him he was lazy and wasn't applying himself and his teachers were condescending. It gave him a huge complex and he feels really ashamed about being "broken." When he told me this, the lightbulb went off in my head. I felt like I finally had some answers to his behavior - why he wasn't as attentive as he used to be, why he couldn't make plans with me, why he lost track of time, was so self-absorbed and why the connection we once had was gone. I did some research and found out about the hyperfocus stage of relationships, which explained why he was so intent on marriage and a future our first year together. Although I \ still felt hurt and like he'd dangled a carrot in front of my face he had no intention of giving to me, at least I knew he wasn't just being a jerk and it wasn't me...it was the ADHD.
So now I'm in a sticky situation. He's agreed that he does need to get help, that he wants to "get his head on straight." He says he still loves me, but doesn't know if he wants marriage or a family. He can't see that far ahead right now, which I get, but it is so hard for me to digest. While I don't care so much about the marriage part, I do want a family. I was under the impression that he did too, hence why I've stuck around as long as I have. I don't know what to do. On one hand, I'm so emotionally exhausted and resentful because I feel strung along and like this is something I didn't sign up for (he acknowledges this), so I should just call it quits, move on and find a non-ADHD person who wants the same things I do. But on the other hand, I still love him and want to be supportive and think that if I wait it out, he could come around to wanting a family once he gets treatment...maybe he'd become the guy he was when we first started dating. Is he even in there anymore? I know I shouldn't pin any hopes or expectations on the treatment and that's the hard part...how do you stay in a relationship, be supportive and loving, when you have no guarantee it will go anywhere? I've already invested so much time in it and I'm afraid of giving more only to be disappointed again. I'm asking "What is in this for me?" and he can't give me any answers. He has said that he's afraid he wouldn't be very patient with children and that he can see himself either really loving being a father or being frustrated and hating every minute of it. It sounds to me like his fears of impatience and frustration is his ADHD talking but I don't want to talkin him into having a family if he feels he's just not capable.
I think if I was in my twenties or early thirties, I wouldn't mind waiting around to see what happens. I do love him, but having a family has become increasingly important to me this last year.
Has anyone else been in a similar situation? I just don't know what to do.
Think twice
Submitted by tarjavj on
Hi there!
I do not want to give you any ready solutions. You have to do what feels right for you.
Just to share with you, I was married to an AHDH man for 15 years, of which maybe 2 first ones were happy (more or less) and the rest of the years were very consuming, up and down roller coster ride years. My ex never went on medication nor got therapy, but even if your boyfriend would, it is not 100 % solution.
Kids do not make it any easier. My marriage got much worse with the childern, more stress, more responsibility and less time for him resulted in not so perfect marriage. I loved my husband a lot, but in the end I could not stand him anymore, it was all just too much on top of 2 children, full time job and a household to run.
I hope your story has better ending.
getting out now
Submitted by Clarity on
will be a lot easier than getting out later. After thirty years nothing changed and I can only wish I would of done things differently. Heck! I'm trying to figure a way out now... Don't get too caught up in the drama, he'll forget about you sooner than you think. If you go forward be sure to have all your finances separate and play it safe with a plan B. Sorry, but that's my experience talking.
thanks
Submitted by randerson on
Thanks for the insight. Yes, I do have to think about the now or later aspect.
I often think I should just cut my losses, but a part of me feels like it took so long for me to find him that I don't want to let him go. I don't want to treat him like he's damaged goods because he is not that severe on the ADHD spectrum. He is a good man - he's a very loving, gentle, supportive guy who really can listen to me. He doesn't have problems with being late, paying his bills or impulsiveness or rage. In fact when he says he's impatient, that's something I've rarely seen. I think between the two of us, I am more impatient and quick to anger than he is. I've always considered him to be quite a calm person. If he exhibited rage, impulsiveness, chronic lateness and a general lack of follow-through, then yes, I would have pulled the plug a long time ago, however he doesn't. We do not live together though.
He mainly struggles with inattentiveness which can lead to self-absorption and a lack of motivation. As I said before, he has a hard time planning things and seeing beyond the immediate. He also tends to see things in the negative, all-or-nothing light and is underemployed because he's convinced he couldn't do any better due to how difficult is for him to learn new things. I do believe he is depressed because he's been carrying this "secret" for decades and it's really done a number on his self-esteem. I often feel taken for granted and like I'm doing all the heavy lifting in the relationship.
Overall, I think he's coped fairly well with his ADHD up until now, but he does see that it is getting worse and he needs to seek help and possibly go on medication.
I also acknowledge that if we did have a family, more than likely we'd have a child with ADHD which adds another curveball to the already stressful task of being a parent. I know he is apprehensive and I guess that should be a big red flag as to whether he's an appropriate partner for me.
Randerson, Sorry to say it,
Submitted by Cinimonstyk on
Randerson,
Sorry to say it, but if I was in your shoes I would RUN!!!!!
ADD is by far not the worst thing that could happen in your life, but knowledge is key. If you know it will (and I say *WILL* confidently - a normal marriage is hard enough without inserting other issues) - so if it will cause trouble in your union, why would you invite it in. The fact that you are aware before any knots are tied puts you in a good place. YOU HAVE A CHOICE. Many of us on this site didn't even know when we got involved with our ADDers, it's a very stressful life.
And furthermore, ADD is heriditary, chances are your kid(s) will inherit it. It's bad enough dealing with a spouse with this let alone multiple people in your life with it. I feel bad saying all this to you, but it's a reality. Spouses, I suppose you can eventually be divorced if it gets that bad (sorry), but your child is yours for life. Knowing that you would more than likely be passing this on with marring your guy, why would you choose that for you or your child? This may all sound harsh, but it is what it is....someone has to say it. I love my son (who has it) but I really wish his life could be different. I don't like the fact that he has to be on meds to regulate his behavior & grades in school.....and his worse side effect is that he looses weight because of his meds, he doesn't even look the same. God only knows if it's doing anything to his organs at such a young age, it's just sad. As a mom it pains me to know that he will have to deal with this for the rest of his life.
You mentioned your age and the fact that you love him, of couse that should be weighed as well, but please note that we are equipped to learn to love again....and even more so when there are no elongated emotional ties as yet....he's just a boyfriend, I'm sure you have lots of those in your wake.
Sad to say but I wish I had your situation and was given a choice (not that and ADDer had a choice, and that's unfortunate, but that's not your fault). The outcome of your life right now is in your hands. There's no guarantee that in the future meds will improve your situation. My husband has been on them for 3 yrs, and though there is some improvement, we still have MANY MANY issues.
But at the end of the day, it is your decision. Please consider all facts before making a decision based on pure emotion! Being on this site with all these sad stories of fallen marriages at the hands of ADD may just be warning enough.
marriage and your future
Submitted by freespirit44 on
I hope you get out!!! We humans are programmed to love more than one person in our lifetime. You would be asking for heartache. Now, I am not against sticking with someone with challenges. However, he held back information about ADD. This was dishonest and it messed up your life. You stayed with him because he asked you to marry. If you wanted children, now he is not certain he wants that either. When will he decide? With ADD and ADHD, it may never get done. I have a son with ADHD and I could tell you some horror stories. They ranged from outright physical abuse to mental and emotional abuse. I tried with all my love and my entire being to help him. I did it alone as his father did not help and accused me of not being a good 'disciplinarian' if you can imagine!!! My son is now happily married and his wife knows how to deal with him it appears. I am so happy for that. But, this does not often happen. I lived with his ADHD for 30 some years. I raised him and then he lived with me as an adult.
As a person who considers myself honest and compassionate for humans and animals, I would still tell you to make yourself first and get out fast!!!
Marriage Evaluation
Submitted by Nettie on
Your evaluation should be thorough DESPITE the ADHD. If you were contemplating marrying someone without ADHD, would you be rushing to have children? I understand you are in your late thirties, but no one should jump into such a commitment, and you need to deal with the facts of marrying (anyone) later than "average couples."
To everyone who wants you to "RUN," well, I don't want to be in your stupid club, anyway! :P
Hi- I'm not rushing to
Submitted by randerson on
Hi-
I'm not rushing to have kids and I don't think I'm jumping into any committment. I don't need to start a family now or next year for that matter. I don't intend to have kids just to reproduce. Conditions and situations have to be place before that happens, and I simply wanted to know that it was in the cards for the future. Also, he was the first guy I have dated whom I wanted to have children with. Since he talked about marriage a lot and mentioned a family a few times within the first year we were dating, I assumed, and wrongly so I guess, that he wanted a family. And then the tides turned.
We've been together two and a half years and I feel that that's long enough for him to know if he wants a future with me or not. I just thought that perhaps the ADHD was making it hard for him to make decisions about what lies ahead.
I now understand that having a family with someone who has ADHD would be difficult and our children would more than likely have ADHD too. Since I wrote this first post, he hasn't made any moves to get help, and while I know procrastination is symptom of ADHD, I need to be with someone who will step up and take care of themselves, so we've split up. He is miserable with the way he is, but if he chooses to do nothing, then that's his choice.
Be cautious, discount negative messages slightly
Submitted by brighthorse on
Hi R,
First off, you should probably be prepared for the event that things could get worse. It's good that you have seen the hyperfocus stage wear off before you have to take the marriage decision. It just gives you a better base to start from.
Why I suggest that things could get worse is because post kids (coz this is wat u seem to want), the ADDer could get much more irritable and generally more difficult to deal with - based on posts I have seen from this site itself.
Further, the ADDer craves novelty...and a good marriage has a lot to do with familiarity. You will probably need to keep trying something different (unique vacations perhaps/changes in hairstyle etc mebbe) to keep the ADDers interest. And you have to understand that an ADDers interest and love may be two different things! - a computer game might have his interest, but he loves you a million times more! Interest is usually more related to novelty than to love.
If it is possible, and you are okay with such a concept, I would very strongly recommend a live-in before marriage. It will give you a great deal of knowledge and give you a much better chance at taking the right decision.
There are many types of ADDers...ADD is just one aspect of someone's personality. I agree it's an important aspect - but there are various other factors that determine what the person really is like. For example, I know ADDers who have chronically failed and suffer from a very low self esteem, and I know brilliant ADDers who never had to study or work hard (coz they found their niche, or coz the rest of their brain is quite extraordinary). The thing to ask is - How is YOUR ADDer?
Lastly, I have seen quite a few negative "Run away" kind of replies to this post so far, and I expect this category will be the overwhelming majority going forward too. These are perfectly valid posts, and you should have a good read to see the many pitfalls and challenges. But please be aware that the people that look for forums are usually people that are looking for solutions...people that are not happy. The few positive (or balanced) posts that you will see on this forum are usually from Melissa, or from posters who used to be unhappy (which is why they were looking for a forum in the first place) but have later managed to turn things around. I'm the last person to say that marriage to an ADDer will be easy, but please read the messages on this site with the context that it is most likely visited by people who are not happy.
should you marry?
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
ADHD doesn't, in and of itself, make a person a bad candidate for marriage. I'm more concerned, quite frankly, with the fact that your goals don't seem to be aligned. You want kids and all that brings. He's not all that sure he does. Since this is so central to your image of what you want in a marriage (and why you wished to get married rather than just live together, I guess) I would say you need to have a series of very serious conversations around this topic.
As for the ADHD. He says he carries a great deal of shame due to his ADHD but is ready to start to tackle it. Distraction is the most important symptom of the non "H" variety of ADHD, which is what he seems to have. If he is interested in your relationship, then he should start working with a doctor right away to start addressing this symptom. Many times adults find that medications make a HUGE difference with addressing distraction. Perhaps this will be the case with him. But don't think of meds as a "magic pill." Even if they work well the next step is changing some habits and, for him, getting his self confidence back. This takes time and will require patience. If he leaves his distraction untreated then it is likely that your relationship will continue in its current vein - with you feeling lonely as he is distracted by other things. "Trying harder" won't make things better, and HE is the one who will have to do the majority of the work since he's the one who's distracted.
The addition of kids into a household with ADHD is a big step. Taking care of kids takes much more organization skill than many untreated with ADHD have. Some (like my husband and I) solve the issue by having a primary caretaker of the kids (me) and not worrying about it. But look at your own specific situation. Given your partner's stated ambivalence about kids as well as with ADHD, I would think about whether you have the financial wherewithall as a couple to have a nanny or some other way to keep the household going after kids. You may not get much help from your partner given your description. Your chances of having a kid with ADHD are about 50%.
If he says he has a temper, you should believe him. He has no reason to lie about it. You may not see it now, but if you get into nagging mode (quite possible) it may flair up. Also, take note of how he manages conflict and difficult conversations. ADHD or not, you want to be with a person who can talk with you about difficult topics.
Those are all the precautions. The other side of the coin - you have something different with this person than with the many others you've dated and it sounds as if he has many great qualities. The grass isn't always greener, or you might have found someone interesting earlier. There are many really great hubbies with ADHD - interesting, lively, happy, smart and all the rest. My best advice is to consider the ADHD but also look beyond it, too, and think about the two of you as a match. Marriage is difficult for all people, not just those with ADHD. It is more difficult if you "whitewash" the fact that your goals and reasons for getting married don't completely match up. A man who says he thinks he will make a terrible father may be wrong, but he may also be right. What will you do if he is right? Are you ready to manage a family on your own? If being with him sounds really appealing even if he's not involved with the kids, then...
Thanks
Submitted by randerson on
I appreciate the feedback. He hasn't taken any steps toward getting help, although he knows he needs to. We have since split up because I'm starting to feel like his mother, coddling and coaxing him...sending him information, names of therapists, links to support groups. Now it is up to him. I'm pretty emotionally exhausted and disappointed.
I do see that having children with him would be very difficult if he did want to embark on that journey with me, so I'm not feeling like we are a good match anymore. I told him I would support him if he needed me to go to anything with him, but we both need space. I really hope he finds the help he needs.
I will miss him, mostly the guy he was when we first met. I feel like he sold me a false bill of goods and that he'd told me about this sooner so we could have perhaps weathered this storm before it got to this point.