My 2.5 year relationship with undiagnosed adhd partner ended last week.So many issues discussed on this forum were experienced, lack of employment, lack of focus on most things unless it was fun ideally playing cricket/cycling/rugby, attention seeking aka flirting, l ask of empathy most of the time.
Yet he could be a highly likeable guy who wanted me to move in, I wanted to be with him but there was no compromise no clarity given on financial status extremely tight at times with no interest in home maintenance/decor yet found money for a lads only ski holiday, mum with dementia giving him money monthly. I think he thought me renting out my house would allow him extra cash and further take the pressure off him to work.
But I digress it's the same sad old story many of us have had. What I want to know is since the breakup, there is no emotion involved at all for him, not cold but almost like I mean nothing. Is this how they operate?
It saddens me, but I'm suspecting he would be the type that would move on immediately, whilst I consider myself highly empathetic and have reflected a lot on my behaviour, there doesn't seem any of that with him.
Hello
Submitted by jp03 on
Hello
I'm here for the same question. You just described my relationship, except for the money from mommy issue.
I initiated the break up. This is not the first time. Everytime I got mad at him for the distraction, flirting, thoughtless words, most of the time he just let me be. He triggered the insecurity in me. I started to nag more, suspect more, withdraw more. Eventually he started calling me names for reacting to his behaviors. I admit that I'm at fault too, but it is horrible to feel unloved from the distraction, to feel embarrassed and disrespected from the flirting!
It has been 3 months. Deep down I'm still waiting for a sincere apology, a changed behavior. But it seems like they don't operate and have emotion like us. Not trying to downgrade them, but it is fact that some, not all, don't see how their condition affect their relationships! So they don't see the need to change.
I'm sorry I can't be much of help here. But I have been reading alot of information from this website, and listening to relationship experts. They have been helping me to cope with the break up. If you are interested PM me.
I wish I had known about the effects of ADHD on relationships. So unfortunately we had to learn about it the hard way. I still truly hope that if you loved him enough and willing to put in the hard work, you would find the right help to work things out with him.
Thanks jp03
Submitted by Loopdaloop on
I'm unsure how to pm here?. But it's so similar even to him planting seeds in my head calling me stroppy knickers, saying I must have been mistaken over things, saying I had morbid jealousy, that I need to work on my issues. Even at the end the final straw was him doing me a favour- badly. Yet he never apologised for that just said he was angry at me cancelling plans and was sick of my negativity/nagging so cut me dead and said it was over. What I learnt from my ex and reading on this forum is there is never a moment of clarity from these people, I understand their condition makes them incapable of doing so, so the sincere apology will never come, and we have to fantasise about receiving it our head. My ex had added complication of being a widower with twin boys, what I can grasp is late wife was on anti depressants, that for many years they stopped having a physical relationship and didn't really communicate, never went out together or had people over and sounds like she did everything in the house, sounds miserable.
I think as we are logical we are trying to make sense of it all, as it seems such a waste, but like the apology we will never make sense of it, and I'm hoping sooner rather than later I stop dwelling and pining for someone who was hard work in many ways.
Hi
Submitted by jp03 on
I hope you are doing okay today.. If you really would like to know, I could email you. Those videos wouldn't help much on the ADHD subject though, they just help me to realize things that I forgot I should do or behave in certain situations.
I think you really love that man, like I do with mine, and that's why we are here even after the break up. But I believe that they have to step up in the game, to gain back our trust and affection..One thing I realized after reading information on this website, is that ADHD doesn't fail relationships, but denial does! If they can't see the problems and willing to fix them, there is no way we can have a happy life with them. Many people here stated that they have been suffering for 20, 30+ years. That really scares me and preventing me to reconnect with my ex.
I'm confused like you are. I really can't tell if they truly loved us or not. Even when they said so, all the actions like flirting, name calling, thoughtless words, are not how a decent man would treat his woman he adores. My ex even said it out loud that random women on the street are hot in front of me, and one time in front of my close friends when we had dinner together. That killed my senses of self-worth and destroyed intimacy. Is that really ADHD? I'm still looking for an answer.
I believe that you have been hurt deeply just like I have. But maybe we just have a big heart and very sentimental, to have the courage to break that attachment. I recently heard this from the expert I follow: "Somewhere out there, there are men who are praying for what you have been giving to that guy". That advice helped me not to be so heart broken. I hope you see some meaningful message from that advice too.
Again let me know if you need anything, even just private email to vent. I'm more that happy to help.
Thanks
Submitted by Loopdaloop on
Yes I can make sense of it all on a intellectual level but not on a heart level. Let me know your email and I'll message you.
Relationship videos
Submitted by jp03 on
I wasn't sure how to directly send it to your email, so I put it here. Those videos helped me gain more knowledge, and keep me away from the negative thoughts.
You can try to watch Stephan Speaks on YouTube. He has 10 yrs experience in the field. His videos are very spot on, precise, and unbiased. He could help you see things from different angles. Especially, look for his videos on Lewis Howes podcasts. Don't miss any minutes of them.
The next one is Esther Perel, and John Gray. These experts help a little more on human psychology. I hope this would help you too. And I wish that whatever you decide to do with this relationship, I pray that you will have peace and happiness in your life!
Hello,
Submitted by M117 on
Hello,
I m new here and I am deeply sorry for what u have to go through at the moment... I can feel ur sadness, desperation, frustration and helpnessless and a scream for clairity- Right now going through the same and I ended the relationship pretty much the same day as you and I feel also desperate and sad.
My ex partner is also undiagnosed and didnt want to seek any help although promised so many times.
We are all different- so I can t tell u exactly how ur ex partner feels or might feel. For me it feels like he just doesn t care on the other side I know he will once again realize that in a few months.because even after the break up he s not overtaking any responisilities as well ignoring that my dog is severely ill and I asked so many times to not take that out on her back especially in times like now. I don t even get a paper for the dry cleaning which was supposed to pick up or else.... and more... usually a break up between adults which are seperating in peace- as offered although he got extremely violent from time to time -( I m still sitting on unpaid/ promised bills or things like my car he destroyed and I don t have money to pay that- he knows but doesnt act..) He doesn t even make a suggestion or whatsoever -is not like that and I never experienced that before.
But sadlywise I or maybe you have to learn that in a really hard and sad way that a person who doesn t want to get help to make their own life easier- because- I can only talk from my ex now- he suffers internally although he doesn t show.
So to answer you.... I have absolutely no Idea... Because I don t understand that whole thing either...
But I feel with u so send me a message if u want...