I am so tired of trying to guess what I should do around H. Like Saturday he was working in the garage, so I felt like I had to do something too or he'd be all uppity that he's actually fixing things while I do nothing. So I mowed the yard. Luckily he was too busy to correct me on the way I was doing it. Then I was done and he was still working in the garage. I felt like I needed to go around and tidy up stuff in there. He didn't say anything but I felt like I was in the way. I asked if he needed my help with anything and he said no so I went inside. I still felt like I needed to look busy, even though I didn't feel well. Yesterday he was building shelves so I went and puttered in the yard. Then I helped him cut some boards, which was a disaster (see previous post!). I puttered around again and tried sweeping up sawdust but there was stuff in the way so I swept around it because if I moved something I'm sure it would be wrong or he'd think I'd just break it if I touched it. When he gets so focused on stuff, he doesn't talk and it always makes me feel like he's mad at me.

Just like when we go to the race track. I hate those weekends. He always says he wants me there but I can't load or unload the trailer correctly and once again he doesn't tell me what I should do, just focuses on getting it done. So I don't know if I should help or not. If I help, I get yelled at that I'm just making it more difficult for him. If I sit there not doing a damn thing but sitting in a chair watching him haul everything out (even though he tells me to just sit there and relax!),he gets upset and I get a very irritated "Um..a little help here please?!" Oh NOW I'm supposed to help? Was there a slight cue there that you gave me that NOW was a good time to help? But I might do it wrong or make it more difficult or break something! He never tells me what he wants me to do and just assumes I think just like him and I should know. And forget about setting up the pop-up tent with him! I still can't get it right and I get berated for that. It was absolutely wonderful when he recruited me and his 15 year old daughter to help disassemble it on a windy day. Of course he doesn't really tell us what to do and it gets away from us and tumbles about 30 yards and is of course broken. There were dozens of his racing buddies nearby who could have done this for him instead of us, but no, he wanted both of us who had no clue what to do helping him. I look at everyone else there with their husband or wife and how they work so well as a team, but I just start freaking out about the whole weekend a week ahead of time. We used to leave the morning of the races which meant getting up at 5AM and out the door by 5:30. Those mornings he never said 10 words to me before we left and I certainly didn't ask him anything because he was grumpy. He just assumed I knew what to throw in the truck and then got an attitude if I forgot something.