Submitted by boilergirl on 02/02/2014.
My new insurance covers individual therapy/counseling, but not couples (which we need but can't afford.) I have been thinking about going to therapy on my own, but wonder if it is worth it. I will probably just talk about my spouse and how his ADHD has affected our marriage. Has anyone gone on their own? Is it beneficial?
I used to see a therapist and
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I used to see a therapist and would still be doing so occasionally if she had not retired a few years ago. She was a lifesaver. I started seeing her when I was a teenager (obviously, for things unrelated to my husband) and she provided extremely valuable sympathy and assistance with many of my life's challenges. She helped me to see that I can cope. I miss her a lot. I encourage you to get therapy or counseling for yourself.
Yes, it would be worth it.
Submitted by MFrances on
Yes, it would be worth it. Just to talk about how to handle the stress of being married to someone who has a chronic condition. And how to create and maintain boundaries. You need to take care of yourself too.
It will help you if you find
Submitted by HurtButHopeful on
It will help you if you find a good match. It will help MORE if you find a good match who is also familiar with adult ADHD.
Thanks
Submitted by boilergirl on
I like the way some of you phrased it- I need help coping and dealing with someone who has a chronic condition. (On a side note, I never know how to refer to ADHD...a mental illness? a disease?) I guess I wasn't even sure what to say when I called if they asked what I needed help with. I feel like everything is just so bottled up because it is so hard to talk to anyone about this. As many of you know, people think you are crazy and can't understand why you are staying. There is so much more to it than that.
How to refer to ADHD
Submitted by sunlight on
It's a brain disorder. Wikipedia is pretty good "psychiatric disorder of the neurodevelopmental type" but for short I called it a brain disorder.
It's not a good idea to call it an illness, which implies something acquired or caught, and might imply a "cure", and people seem to think illnesses are temporary and can be "fixed". ADHD is a permanent physical condition that needs management (unless sometime we develop gene therapy, I suppose).
So I always call it a brain disorder. But that's just me.
I was wondering the same thing
Submitted by frustratedwife on
I was wondering the same thing about individual counseling. Unfortunately my insurance doesn't cover it so that's why I haven't tried it yet. I went to see 4 different counselors when I was going through divorce from my first husband (he had major addiction problems and I had enabled him for years) but I didn't find it to be helpful at all. Maybe I never found the right match for me. I just found myself talking about my problems over and over again and rehashing the past. I was more easily able to move on when I stopped the counseling, but then that was a different situation too. I feel I need help coping but then I wonder why I should have too???? What I really need is a spouse who acts like an adult and who shares the responsibilities in our life and therapy can't give me that. So I have to wonder if I would end up wasting my money because it's not going to be possible for me to be happy just "coping" in a relationship.
Therapy might help you figure
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Therapy might help you figure out whether to stay or to go.
Nothing and no one but your spouse can change your spouse.
So true!
Submitted by frustratedwife on
So true! And I should have learned that in my first marriage to a man with addiction problems. I tried for years to change him and obviously it never worked. How did I get myself back into another dysfunctional marriage??? Probably because my current husband did a real good job at disguising his problems until after we got married.
It's easy to say but hard to
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
It's easy to say but hard to really accept. I know that I haven't truly accepted yet that only my husband can change my husband (and in his case, the corollary that he doesn't want to change). I have to remind myself of it constantly. Therapy might help you decide what you can tolerate and what you can't tolerate and, whether you stay in the marriage or leave it, how your own life can be better.
Yes thank you
Submitted by frustratedwife on
Yes, thank you, you are probably right.
Boilergirl, even though your
Submitted by jade21 on
Boilergirl, even though your insurance doesn't pay for marital counseling, there are ways around it. My insurance also does not pay for marital counseling, but we are doing marital counseling. You need to establish a primary patient this can be you and/or your husband. Your sessions will be billed under the primary person who schedules the appointment, but both of you can attend. Your mental health records are protected, so your insurance is unable to see why you are seeking treatment. They will only see a counseling session and you or your husband as the patient. The way my husband and I did it, was to attend joint and individual counseling with the same counselor. That way we could both see her individually, but jointly when we needed to. I do recommend attending counseling on your own. It helped me see things that I could change which in turn changed the way my husband responded to me. I also helped me overcome issues with anger and resentment. You need to work on yourself as your working on your relationship. Hope this helps.
It helps....
Submitted by Suda on
I definitely think Individual Therapy has helped me. I now look at it as a "gift" I give myself. My provider is out of network so i have to pay out of pocket and it goes against my out of network deductible. Once I reach the deductible, then I think insurance will pay a portion. It is definitely expensive....breaking the bank between my husband and me. Both of our therapists believe we should continue our couples counseling, but who can afford it all. Sadly, it is cheaper to get a pill... which I am contemplating at the moment. See my post
http://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/do-any-non-adhd-spouses-take-anti-de...
Meds for the non-ADHA partner
Submitted by Berlie66 on
I think there most likely are alot of non-adhd partners out there on meds, the whole merry go round of this illness makes you feel sick and like you are out of control as well and I have definitely thought I need something as it creates my own anxiety, being tired all the time, etc.
Meds for the non ADHD spouse
Submitted by Berlie66 on
Yes I am going today to our local mental health office to speak to a counsellor to see what else I can do for myself. If you have children to take care of in this situation you know full well it is not as easy as they say to get time to take care of yourself. My husband is nuts I am afraid. At first I thought it was ADD but all professionals have said it is ADD, depression and a personality disorder. If they are on ADD meds and still acting erratic and blaming, etc. they definitely have other comorbid disorders. Either leave them with your kids or get yourself on something quick!! You will die dealing with all this.
I tried unsuccessfully.
Submitted by Hopeful Heart on
I have depression, anxiety, and insomnia. I believe these are the result of living over 20 years with untreated adhd. husband and son. I recently tried two different counselors.
the first one was too informal. She talked like a teenager. It made me feel like I was gossiping about my husband and son. I wanted something more formal.
The second counselor that I went to asked me TONS of very personal questions about my family. I would pour my heart out to her and She would just stare back at me in complete silence with no facial expression. She never offered me ANY feedback. It was so strange. After two months I gave up. I actually felt much worse after two months of that.
I'm so glad to know that others have had positive experiences from counseling.
Non ADHD Counselling
Submitted by Berlie66 on
I have gone to counselling as well to talk with someone on the outside who would understand what issues I face and who may know what I am dealing with on a day to day basis. They give you tools to help you cope but in reality my spouse does so many things I can't keep up with them all and deal with them. If it was just ADHD (ADD) it wouldn't be that bad, I believe his meds are working for that...................it is the depression and the personality disorder that keeps us in a bad place. I don't have time to write all the notes I need to, to describe his behaviours and of course his psychiatrist sure doesn't know what goes on, since at those appts. the psych only gets to hear what he wants him to know/hear.