My Husband was diagnosed just a few weeks ago with ADHD (the combined type) and he is 33 years old. It seems very severe. In fact, the doctor told us that it wasn't even questionable whether or not he has ADHD since he scored a 105 out of a possible 120 based on the questions he answered. We're looking into him getting on medication, but it seems to be taking awhile for us to get a doctor's appointment especially cuz we had to find one that was affordable enough for us. I am also really concerned about the costs of the medication. I understand that he will have to be on medication for the rest of his life really. I'm not sure I'm going to be able to accept that. I feel increasingly frustrated with him though and as it is I feel like I can't even talk to him anymore because I feel so disrespected. I feel like nothing I say even matters to him anymore. I think about leaving him on a daily basis, but yet it still makes me very sad/depressed to imagine a life without him in it. I don't know what I should do. How do you tell if you need to leave or when you've reached your breaking point really? We have been together almost 4 years and married for 2 1/2 years so far, yet it feels like we have been together so much longer. I feel like he's no longer the man that I married, but he insists he's the same person. I just don't see that because he's always negative, blaming me, ignoring me, getting distracted, not being productive around the house, or forgetting something that I have told him. I have told him several times what he needs to do and I send him articles and we bought books for him to read. However, I'm not noticing any improvement or that he's even trying to do better. Should I wait to see how he does on medication? Can it make that much of a difference right away as soon as he starts taking it? I am not a very patient person so I don't think I can wait around much longer since I am so depressed and angry/frustrated everyday. This is not healthy for me at all. It doesn't help that we don't have nearly enough time apart. I wonder if a trial separation will help us? I feel so lost and alone right now. I have no support from any friends or family and I don't really talk to anyone else because of that. We are seeing a therapist, but I don't think we will be able to afford to continue seeing one for much longer. Plus, It doesn't seem like our therapist really understands ADHD that much. She did at least advise us to look into getting him diagnosed because she picked up on the symptoms. We are currently reading The ADHD Effect on Marriage since our therapist recommended it to us, but it just frustrates me so much because It seems like it's saying that I have to do more work than my Husband. I don't want to do that and I don't have the energy to do that. I already feel overwhelmed. I didn't ask to marry someone with ADHD and I don't feel like I can ever accept his ADHD. I feel more so like I just need to leave him, but I still feel like I care for him a lot. I'm unsure whether or not I love him anymore because his severe ADHD has just made him so difficult to live with.
Does Medication for ADHD really make that much of a difference?
Submitted by mrsg13 on 03/06/2014.
The answer is simple
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Yes!
Please keep in mind it is not a magic potion that makes everything OK. It helps with the distractibility, keeping focus, etc.
Yes, it helps.
Thanks, I'm So Exhausted. My
Submitted by mrsg13 on
Thanks, I'm So Exhausted. My question was mainly in regards to if my Husband being on medication will positively impact our relationship that much. My main goal is to see a noticeable positive improvement. I know that it won't fix everything that is wrong in our relationship so I'm going to look into additional therapy, reading books, and coaching as well. His symptoms are just negatively impacting our relationship so strongly now and I feel like we're not getting anywhere at all so I hope medication can help with that. The main ADHD issues that are problematic for us are his bad short-term memory, his distractibility, his lack of focus, his lack of communication with me/lack of follow-through, his blaming/assumptions/defensiveness, his lack of motivation, my inability to trust/rely on him due to his irresponsible behavior, and his consistent negativity/low self-esteem.
Medication is a good choice to assist. . . .
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
"The main ADHD issues that are problematic for us are his bad short-term memory, his distractibility, his lack of focus, his lack of communication with me/lack of follow-through, his blaming, assumptions, and defensiveness, his lack of motivation, and his consistent negativity/low self-esteem."
The medication will help him focus and not-so-easily be distracted. The rest, well I believe it has to be his choice to work on those things.
Anything that helps in a small way, opens the door to possibilities of leading into a bigger thing.
I think as a spouse, I see all the possibilities of what 'can be.' I am trying to understand 1. if my hopes of 'can be' are a reality, 2. if his choice is not to try or 3. he 'can't' try.
He has to want it for himself. I feel disappointment as by all I can see, he is miserable, angry, defensive, pessimistic. . . . .which comes across as rude and mean.
That is a good point and it
Submitted by mrsg13 on
That is a good point and it does seem to me that he at least wants to try to improve how he treats me. When I ask why things haven't improved yet he usually tells me that he's trying the best he can, but it's difficult for him to do better. I think he has just poorly managed his ADHD symptoms for so long so he developed negative routines and he did just get diagnosed with it weeks ago so he's still trying to accept it and learn about it. I wish I felt more hopeful, but most of the time I'm rather negative because I suffer from depression quite severely which doesn't help at all.
At least he got diagnosed and
Submitted by lauren07 on
At least he got diagnosed and is trying. That's more than some of us get;) Mine lost my love and respect and still hasn't improved very much on his own. I wish you the patience you need !
That is certainly true. I'm
Submitted by mrsg13 on
That is certainly true and I'm thankful for that. I'm sorry if it seems like I'm trying to say that our situation is worse than anyone else's. I know it isn't, but that doesn't make it any less difficult for me to endure. I hope that my Husband doesn't think that medication will fix everything. We are taking a break from each other this weekend. I'm going to stay with my Mom so I hope the needed time apart helps us both.
No worries!
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
mrsg13,
I certainly did not get that impression at all!!!
Someone had started a "Slug Box" on this forum for venting our frustration! I was thinking I should start an "Oh yeah, well you think that is bad, what about. . . . "
We all have our own journey. Each nugget of wisdom I have found here, has enlightened my path a little bit each day. I have found my own mistakes. . . and have also been enlightened to take the steps I needed to have a voice in my relationship.
As of this date - I have found joy in myself - - -and found bitter disappointment that I see my spouse stuck, angry, depressed and prickly to be around - unless I agree with everything he says, do everything his way, and do not have a mind or opinion of my own. How did I endure that for so many years?!?!? Sheesh.
I am 100% NOT here to offend
Submitted by lauren07 on
I am 100% NOT here to offend or to take up for bad behavior. I am just not that kind of person. I'm sorry if it read that way to you. Just yesterday I broke down sobbing with some friends who were just joking that I should give my husband another chance. I snapped because they went on and on and I am still very hurt by my failed marriage. Mine won't take pills or set up coping mechanisms, so we were doomed. You and others are still trying. I am here just to mend. I have to be around my husband all the time because of our son and his adhd actions grate my nerves and hurt my feelings on a daily basis. I am pretty numb to the pain, but I can't ignore everything he does/doesn't do because it affects me and my son.
We have an adhd and an add inattentive at work. The gal with hyperactivity is phenomenal. She is vibrant and energetic and OLDER THAN MOST OF US. We let her quirks and mistakes slide because overall, she is a huge asset to the team. The other girl, though, can barely function to do her job. She has one funny personality, but she has already trained for three jobs and she can't grasp any of them enough to be a real asset. We are training her now for another job, the last one we have. If that doesn't work out, she may be let go. It is especially sad to me because she doesn't even get what is happening.
I am confused and angered by add. I always thought it was a hyper disorder only kids had:/
for me it's been a profound difference...
Submitted by smilingagain on
Hi there mrsg13,
I have 2 first-hand accounts for you... both my husband and I have adhd (I'm hyperactive and he's inattentive) and we are both taking medication now (both on concerta 54 mg).
For myself- I can tell you that when I started my medication, I noticed an immediate difference... If you click on my user name and read some of my comments, I know I've described it before. Essentially I went from feeling overwhelmed, anxious, sad, tense, irritable and out-of-control to feeling... pretty great, essentially within a half-hour. I never realized how much energy I was using trying to 'control myself' all day... Now admittedly- I don't have a big problem with distraction, inattention, focus and all that jazz... but for the symptoms I really struggle with- medication is a miracle. I should note that I also work out regularly, eat healthy, sleep as much as I can (7 hours if I am lucky- with it could be 10!), avoid liquor and drugs, and go to regular therapy... But I was doing everything else before the medication without much success and adding the medication was like the missing magic ingredient...
For my husband- his ADHD was diagnosed about 9 months ago and my husband has been medicated for about 6 months now- although he doesn't take the meds every single day... My husband is going through a major life transition- he is out of work for the first time ever and he is NOT comfortable with that, even though he quit and it was the right decision because the job was toxic and he'd dutifully hung in there for 6 years while I watched his stress increase and his health deteriorate... This timing also coincided with the birth of our children (5 and 1 years old)... So my husband gradually changed over the past 6 years into someone I barely recognized... I now see that his undiagnosed ADHD was the main cause- as stress increased on my husband, he was unable to deal and use his past coping mechanisms... His symptoms were out of control and driving me crazy. Click on some of my posts for the details- but basically my husband was volatile, irritable, lethargic, scattered, combative, controlling, picky and verbally abusive. He has a pattern over the past year of threatening divorce or separation (maybe 4 times)... which is obviously devastating, particularly in light of the children we share. Anyway- the good news is that since starting therapy and being medicated, my husband's behavior immediately changed for the better. He still is irritable and lethargic and distracted and so on... but the anger and abusive behaviour and the threats about leaving stopped dead in their tracks. My husband is trying and I can see it. There are still lots of slip ups- but the general direction is positive. I am still not sure whether he wants to be in this and will change enough for me to stay with him. I've decided to stay for sure for the time being while he is so unmoored. I want to see him happy in his job and his life. Once he has a new job, I expect my husband's anxiety will lessen and his behaviour will continue to improve. But if not- I will have to consider leaving him. I haven't told him that is how I see things...
In summary- medication can make a dramatic difference- but it is not a cure-all magical pill. I view it as one of many tools necessary (for me- some people with ADHD avoid meds and find other treatments that work for them) to create a comprehensive treatment plan for ADHD. I think for people really mired in the sypmtoms and recently diagnosed, medication can be tremendously helpful in kickstarting them out of some maladaptive coping mechanisms and providing clarity about their actions. I don't think my husband realized how terrible he was behaving... but I've seen him realizing it over the past several months... and he feels ashamed about it. He has apologized and I am gradually starting to trust that he won't just bail at the first sign of trouble... But it's hard as he has done and said so much that has hurt and moving forward depends on me forgiving and letting go... which I have done, but that doesn't mean I forget these occurrences...
I am glad you are taking a little space and glad that you are trying to be there for your husband and encourage him to get treatment. He is very lucky to have you. Having said that- given that you have no shared children to worry about, I would encourage you to be selfish as well in how you handle this. Read "Boundaries in Marriage". I read that book and started following some of the recommendations and that was immensely helpful... If your husband can make improvements sufficient for you to stay in the marriage, wonderful... But don't be afraid to set boundaries and to walk away if it becomes clear that no meaningful change is going to happen. Remember- you have one life. It's short. You deserve not to be miserable on a daily basis... So by all means, make every effort to improve things and to assist your husband... Definitely give the meds a chance to work and give your husband some chances to learn and make improvements... but please also take the time to be there for yourself and definitely listen to your inner voice. If you have to leave, your body will be screaming it at you.
Best of luck. This is so hard. And your efforts to stick through it are admirable. I wish you luck and I send my support.
:)