2014 was the year of his secret bank account (since closed when discovered). The year he asked me to get a form notarized so he could take some $ out of his work IRA to pay kid's tuition--and seemed astounded when I found and read the missing pages of the document and realized I'd be signing off all rights to my share of his pension (and I didn't sign that paper). This is the year he wanted to show me a picture of our kid on his phone--but instead showed me a pictured he'd secretly taken of our check book, bc our tax preparer had suggested I transfer some $ into my IRA (first time since I married him!) bc it would lessen out 2013 tax bill--all of which had been explained to him, of course, but he didn't remember, so he took a picture of the check I wrote to my IRA, for no reason he could articulate!. My "evil motivation in all this" (ie in following our CPA's advice) was to hold on to as much cash as possible for our two leaning disabled kids, in a world where money passes through their father's hands like water.
Now I am up to my eyebrows in forensic accounting, because he left me with all the statements from his now-closed secret account, and I'm trying to figure out what got deposited from where (he works freelance! oy!) to pay which tax-deductible bill. And he's a septogenarian hypochondriac (all that attention!), so just piecing together the medical bills is a job and a half. And the man can't even do the addition and subtraction of a checkbook--so I've had this all on me for the last decade or so. But he can open secret accounts, and then not seem to understand anything about them! And then out his own secret, by handing me medical receipts he paid from that secret account. (Apologies if this makes no sense, it barely makes sense to me, my brain is melting...)
So I have chest pains...and he's off out of state visiting his sister...and I'm writing this to shame myself into admitting I can't go on...Admit it before the constant work of mothering these kids and suing the Board of Ed every year on my son's behalf...and being the forensic accountant....and facing how little I'm earning part-time...and feeling too crazy myself to try to deal with divorce lawyers... makes me put ending this marriage off again, for another year, hating myself for hoping he'll die...
I feel in my bones that my only hope is to find a divorce lawyer who specializes in these ADHD-related catastrophes--because anyone else will see me as a quivering incoherent mess. Others have posted here about how, after holding on past all endurance, we "non" spouses look crazed. My ADHD spouse--happy as a clam when he faces the world, accomplished and jovial and seemingly carefree. (Only I get the full picture...)
Help!
You have my utmost sympathy,
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
You have my utmost sympathy, CosmicJoke. The thing that has persuaded me that I must proceed with a divorce is my husband's secrecy around money. He's not a big spender, so that's good, but what's not so good is that he works as a caregiver for his parents and his dad insists on paying him in cash, because it's easier to hide the payments that way. I really have no idea of how much my husband is getting paid. I do our tax forms now, not because I love doing them but because my husband said a few years ago, "You know, you wouldn't have to report my income on our taxes." Well, actually, I do need to report his income, because that's the law, and oh, by the way, I'm a lawyer and if my husband didn't report his income, I could lose my license.
Thank you, we have some things in common, alas...
Submitted by CosmicJoke on
It sounds like, in both our cases, the money weirdness isn't even about....money. My husband has complete access to our joint account. I'm his free financial manager and bookkeeper...and I never blink about his monthly expenditures, the meals out, etc. The reasons why our spouses act this way, don't really matter, do they? And yet...Something about the solace of magical thinking...? The afterglow of taking action, no matter how impulsive, because that's what husband's should do....? The need to undermine and vilify us, as a distraction from owning the devastation they've brought down on us? Or maybe there is no "reason" at all...?
Thank you for the comfort of your reply, Rosered. I've read your comments often and shaken my head in sympathy--the NYTimes ran articles, years back, about the advantages of adult caretakers being paid by their parents--the ability to contribute to the adult child's social security; the legal way to shift assets to the adult child pre-inheritance and tax advantages of that; the ability of the parents to deduct the wage of their care-taker/child on their own returns. Of course, I'd once suggested this to my sister-in-law and got the ADHD stare...so not surprised this didn't happen in your situation, either.
You've written of challenges, but I do admire you for holding on to your profession. I buttressed my husband's career, while allowing him to compromise mine. It's hard bc I must take responsibility for what happened,yet something had to give and he created such chaos while I was trying to simultaneously raise/diagnose our kids...I see him getting meaner and weirder and realize, to my horror, that he is oblivious to all my contributions to our marriage, to raising our children, to cleaning up his many messes.
I'm so scared. Seeing some of the people on the site muddle forward is very helpful.While I wish this on no one, part of me hopes someone will post about having married a madman like I did, being laid low...and somehow coming out of divorce with dignity and a bit of financial stability restored...
advocating for our children is a full time job
Submitted by lulu18 on
it is hard for some people to understand what life is like when you have a child or children with disabilities and a spouse with disabilities. Harsh as it sounds, our spouses are grown ups and need to take care of themselves. Children need to be protected simply because they are children. If an adult with ADHD chooses to act like a child, then it is by choice. It does not entitle them to the same protection that a child needs. There are attorneys out there who specialize in divorce with special needs children. I was referred to one such attorney by a friend of mine who is an attorney. you might try googling divorce lawyers ,special needs children. See if you can locate someone nearby, or even someone who would do a phone consult if not near enough to go to their office. I will be using this lawyer to help write up time sharing agreements, vacations, etc. Since my husband lost his job (another long ADHD related story) he is working at a job making a little more than minimum wage, which is way less than he was making. I do not expect to get much financial support, but since I am working ,my son and i can make it, even if we just get by. I am concerned about my son being alone with his Dad, not for safety reasons, as my husband is very passive, but because he is unconscious and oblivious, and my son has severe food allergies. Don't give up hope, there are specialists out there who can help.
money weirdness
Submitted by dvance on
Indeed I think the money weirdness isn't really about money. In 20 years the amount of lying around money in my house is just unbelievable. The most recent episode was a year ago January--DH lost his job January 21 and in February I discovered an account with $3500 in it. Most of the deposits made AFTER he lost his job. A month later it was down to $1800. To this day I don't know where the money came from or where it went. So strange. And then DH has the balls to be stunned that I don't trust him because he feels he "acts in a trustworthy manner". Direct quote in therapy. I suspect ADHD people get tired of screwing up and getting griped at and being treated like children...since that is how they act...and so they want something ANYTHING for themselves. Something they don't have to explain or justify. I am making wild assumptions here--just what I observe and can piece together from comments my DH makes. He will do these odd things and when I ask about it he will tell me "I am an adult, I can do whatever I want." Two examples: tonight I was at a school board meeting that went until 9:30. I got home about 10pm. As soon as I walked in he put on his coat and said he had to go out for chocolate milk for the sophomore to bring to water polo practice in the morning (it's donut day tomorrow). Why not text me and ask me to pick it up on the way home??? I pass two grocery stores, a Walgreens and a CVS on the way home. Second weirdness: most people slice a banana ON their morning breakfast cereal. Up until about a year ago, that is what DH did. And then out of the blue, he started having his bowl of cereal and having another bowl of sliced banana next to him that he would eat with a fork. Why? I have no idea, but I got the "I'm an adult, I can do whatever I want" speech when I asked. I think the money thing is in the same vein. I have observed that DH seems to revel in his desire to find some other way to do things, even if the normal way is the easiest/most accepted/most common. It's like they have to be THE MOST CREATIVE all the time, even over insignificant stuff. My DH will find the most convoluted way to do pretty much anything in the guise of being creative or seeing the world his own cool way. Seems like a total waste of energy to me. Now apply this to money. Sticking to a budget is boring. Having to answer questions about where you spent money when you may not remember what you did an hour ago or what you spent money on and now you have to justify it?? WAY too much to ask of an ADHD brain. My DH can't keep track of time, let alone money. Right now he has a job that reimburses him for expenses and I am terrified that he is going to abuse that. Already he reloads his Starbucks app and charges it to the company. How that works is a mystery to me, but he says he can because he sometimes buys coffee for his colleagues. Okay then. He's bought pizza for the kids-on the company card, a new backpack because the expensive bag we bought him wasn't good on airplanes. It's like nothing is ever satisfying. That's how I think it is with money. They are always looking for a new and better way to do whatever. Exhausting to live with and very little common sense or big picture thinking--it's all about what works RIGHT NOW, not in the long run.
Too me, it sounds fishy..or
Submitted by s00manyquestions on
Too me, it sounds fishy..or at least shady in some form. I can see how you would have a difficult time trusting him. There are certain things that constitutes True Meaningful Love: One is: Love is Trust. He sounds like he has much more going on than just ADHD..$$? accounts and accountabilities for his actions with them..He needs to chill the *F out and breathe. .. something is obviously different than it was..not too long ago. It has a negative connotation. Nothing is never satisfying...ohh man!! that's a kicker. Unless you can love and be kind to ourselves...and accept..He'll find some peace and clarity. Or hopefully....
I guess: wow...I would write a list of two columns and list the Absolute Must vs Dont Like / Can Live WithNobody is perfect. but there are some things that you can live with and weighth the options. Outside of ADHD:...I'd feel the same and feel a bit sketced...Find yourself an attorney, lawyer of whatever. CYA you know.ut i
But if it comes down to it: resentment is a bitch!! once your there...almost impossible coming back in my opition. your rightfully frustrated and angry !!!! Why can't you be the one relaxing and fluffing dust in Magic Land...!!!? Someone is the Responsible one. And it's always you. He's being an Ahole, inconsiderate, inappreciatieve and irresponsible. Hangs out while I bust my ass all day and he can't take to fricken trash out!! All of this self conversation ...break it down and you'll see what can fit under ADHD symptoms and Dude symptoms...
Weirdness..well that's tricky. people are forever changing and feelings come and go...in the same breath..don't be ignorant and CYA. Notice your surroundings and confront him. Confront..NOT Trap or Surprise of Tell him. Have some tangible evidence you can refer to ... looking like you are educated about the topic. Trust is Everything!! Good Luck
They do do things in an odd way.....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
>>> My DH will find the most convoluted way to do pretty much anything in the guise of being creative or seeing the world his own cool way. Seems like a total waste of energy to me. >>>
It's not that they purposely look for "creative ways," it's that they aren't able to think of the most efficient ways to do things. However, keep quiet about things that don't matter....like how he eats his bananas. That is none of anyone's business because it has no negative affects on anyone. ONLY question things that have a negative affect (and a significant negative affect).
My H's family all has ADHD...both parents. HIs parents got tired of friends and neighbors and relatives "correcting" their insane ways of doing things, so father-in-law began saying, "we march to a different drummer" to excuse their oddness (and dumbness about doing things). My mother in law had this reply that she often uttered, " you can do it this way or you can do it that way; it doesn't matter." well, yes, it does matter if the "one way" ends up costing you three times as much or if the "one way" ends up breaking the item. I can't tell you how many times they ended up paying twice as much for airfare simply because they procrastinated and didn't buy ahead of time.
H's family had a LOT of breakage since no one was careful with anything and no one took care of anything. Clothes were ruined because they wouldn't change into "old clothes" before doing things (like painting or car work). They broke things because they weren't careful or "forced open" things and then broke them.
strength
Submitted by coco8712 on
Hello overwhelmedhousewife hang in there , you are a strong woman and dont deserve this sneaky behavior from him hes selfish and not including you , your his WIFE his parnter on his team and after all you put up with this is how he does you . I would open a bank acct secretly and start stashing your own money and read all the paper work he gives you throughly he cant be trust :( you have to start thinking about yourself and helping yourself since he is not thinking of your best interest. i hope it all turns out well . stay strong smile laugh and think of a happy place get your self back get your voice back !!! you can do this !! praying for you
This scares me!!!
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
>>>
The year he asked me to get a form notarized so he could take some $ out of his work IRA to pay kid's tuition--and seemed astounded when I found and read the missing pages of the document and realized I'd be signing off all rights to my share of his pension (and I didn't sign that paper).
>>>>
This isn't ADHD....this is outright devious, sneaky behavior. His intent was to prevent you from having rights to his pension...either after divorce or his death.
My husband retired last year, and I will get 100% of his retirement if he were to die, and if we were to divorce, I would get 50% as long as I live. I would be extremely angry if my H had tried something like this (thankfully, he didn't. He wanted me to be fully protected in the event of his death. It's not just H's retirement that I'd 100% get if he were to die, but also I get full health benefits.
WHAT was the (phony) reason he gave to try to pull this stunt? Again, this is NOT ADHD. This is just devious behavior that is either out of anger or narcissism.
There's a reason why laws have been put in place to require notarized signatures for these retirement changes that affect a spouse. The fact that he sought to circumvent by removing pages is just devious.
As a protection, I would insist that you draw up papers that will be notarized by BOTH of you that indicate that the only option for rest of your lives is for full spousal survival benefits. I would include a notation that in the future, any changes would require a separate notarized signature for EVERY page affected, to eliminate the possibility of any other "missing page" shenanigans.
"My husband retired last year
Submitted by redhead1017 on
"My husband retired last year, and I will get 100% of his retirement if he were to die, and if we were to divorce, I would get 50% as long as I live. I would be extremely angry if my H had tried something like this (thankfully, he didn't. He wanted me to be fully protected in the event of his death. It's not just H's retirement that I'd 100% get if he were to die, but also I get full health benefits."
You know what my DH's retirement plan is if he passes before me? I get to sell all of his collectibles he has downstairs - a full basement of crap. That's his legacy to me, and he thinks he's doing me this big favor. I told him that it wasn't really a gift, more of a burden, especially as I wouldn't know the first thing about selling a bunch of comic books, so he's gathered a few of his fellow comic collectors and told them they'll be getting a call from me to sell stuff when he passes. How incredibly sad and pathetic is this. Instead of providing any sort of benefit, he's making sure that I continue to have to carry him even after he's gone.
As far as financial impropriety, I agree with the other posters in this thread that this is very sneaky and devious behavior. In my experience, ADHD-affected people have zero idea of how budgets, planning, retirement, etc. even works. My DH has never contributed to the household budget other than draining it. He has no idea on what a savings account or retirement savings are, and has no problem with spending and spending (he's addicted to shopping). I've taken back multiple items that he's overspent on.
It just never gets better, and I don't plan on wasting another 23 years, which is why I'm working on getting everything in order to divorce him.
Redhead....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
Part of getting things in order prior to divorcing him is finding out the value of all that crap...because you will suddenly either own half of it, or he will have to "buy you out". so, it's a good idea to find out how much it's worth. You can tell him that you need to know the value for insurance purposes.