Just curious on the experiences here of the Nons and the type of work they did on themselves - I'm really struggling and feeling overwhelmed on what type of work I should do; read the Boundar Boss again and do all the workbooks at the end? Finish the mel Robbins workbook? Back to therapy? Attend group therapy for nons?...the list goes on. There are things I want to progress, and am actively working on them, but feel like I'm stuck again.
Don't get me wrong, I'm well aware that I'm not going to work on the marriage when its just me doing the work/effort, but I am self aware enough about the situation that it's always good to work on myself, figuring out my needs, boundaries, etc. But I'm curious as to what others on here have done. How has your progressed looked? Are you happy with what you have done so far in your journey/relationship? Do you have any regrets or wished you did something different?
...and on the flip side.... for the ADHDers reading this, what actions did you see your partner take on that made it clear to you they were working on themselves? And did they get a point of saying to you that its time for you to work on stuff too? Maybe nothing was said and it clicked for you one day? (note: I'm not trying to spin this to figure out how to get my ADHD partner to do the work instead of my own stuff but I am genuinelly curious in others' experiences and behavious on here)
What caregivers told me to work on
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Essentially, different caregivers told me to:
1) Leave the house, go out and do things to enjoy myself separately from my husband. Start hobby. Meet people
2) Consider leaving him
3) Leave him at all costs since if I went down with him, my children would too
I'm not entirely sure what the "work on oneself" is otherwise. I've read Boundary Boss twice and other books like Reconcilable Differences and several books on ADHD. But it's never been clear to me what I as non am supposed to do when efforts from ADHD partner peter out.
Found that too
Submitted by Off the roller ... on
Yeah I'm finding that too, I'm struggling to understand steps or actions for me when their efforts aren't happening. I mean, it seems that this is the boundary that we draw and then have to enforce and then have to bear the force of their reactions when yiu enforce it?? Its hard.
Hey Off the Roller! Here are
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Hey Off the Roller! Here are a few things I did:
1. I read and re-read "Codependency for Dummies." I don't think I'm necessarily a born codependent, but I did develop some of these traits to cope with my ADHD partner over the years. It was hard to see myself in it at first, but the more I read it, the more I did. And even now, I get more value out of this book every time I return to it. Now it helps me see how far I've come and that feels great. I also read a couple of books on people pleasing. For me specifically, this comes from my childhood and it's something specific I needed to work on most.
2. I worked on reacquainting myself with how I felt. I put up notes in a few key places around the house that said "How do you feel right now?" There was a long time where I could barely understand that question. I could only answer "good" or "bad." Over many months of checking in with myself multiple times a day, I started to realize I felt "resentful" and "scared" and "insignificant" and "overwhelmed" and "abandoned" and "ashamed" and I began to tie my specific feelings to the cause. My needs and feelings had become lost in my ADHD relationship - there was no room for them. Checking in with myself more often helped me resurface my own feelings and needs again and that helped me do something about them. (Google "the feelings wheel" for help putting names to feelings.)
3. I wrote down my values. Certainly the "me" from 20 years previous wouldn't have imagined all she'd given up for her incredibly unhealthy relationship. I wrote down my values and then compared them against the way I was actually living to see what needed to change.
4. I started thinking about my potential next step (divorce) and setting myself up as best I could for it in terms of my employment, getting finances in order, understanding my legal rights, understanding the housing market, etc. On this note, I also did what Swedish mentioned: I started doing things alone and making my own friends outside of our couple friends.
5. I saw a therapist who helped me head in the right direction for ME. Instead of telling me all the ways I could accommodate this unhealthy dynamic and continue to give up myself, she helped me move forward and become strong enough to leave.
I know this is all really specific to me, but hopefully it helps!
Thank you
Submitted by Off the roller ... on
This is seriously sound advice. I'm also understanding how my past is showing itself big time
And for both of you.... how do you work thru/sit in when the emotions are high?? He's so reactive (and me too to be honest, bc I have had enough) and we've had a fight and it's terrible in the house as my son is here and is quite receptive to it. I know things have to change, but I'm finding it difficult to regulate myself.
Yes
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Yes I agree, it's very hard to regulate oneself. In fact, it's grief and anger and stress to a degree I suspect threatens health.
I was calm, or at least kept my voice low and didn't say things I'd regret during his RSD episodes. It didn't help the outcome. He generally yelled insults at me and then left or shut himself in and refused contact. After, I was shaken, relied heavily on close friends and family to vent. I was painful for weeks and had a hard time reconnecting, which was up to me to do since he was passive, and also to comfort him.
Looking back on it now it all seems so impossible. Post divorce it's permanently like after one of those RSD days. He's passive and opaque. I'm upset and sad. But this time I'm not trying to repair things. Actually texted with him about it a few days ago since it's been six months since he moved out and we haven't spoken since he left me devastated. I wrote I was sad because he hasn't done anything to make it possible to be friends. His answer was he wished me well and thought about me every day and wanted to convey kindness. He suggested meeting up. But when I asked what he wanted to talk about he had no idea. He apparently had no apology for me, no explanation, nothing.
This is where I am and its hard
Submitted by Off the roller ... on
Thanks Swedish, this is where I am - literally and figureatively - right now. Sitting in my office while he has shut the door and shut me out. All because I forgot to do something and then things that were out of my control happened, and then I got blamed for the other things. It's so incredibly painful and I know family and friends can see it and just feel also helpless. Some days I don't want to vent or share with anyone because I wonder if I'm doing more damage. I have a 10 year to think about it and its just so upsetting. This is affecting him if it's already affecting my health in this way. It's so hard to reconnect too, in fact, for me, impossible because we didn't have a connection in the first place. We've been so far disconnected and someone today told me bluntly (but kindly) that they dno't blame me for talking to a separation lawyer or divorce lawyer just to 'see' and get the ducks in a row, I've put up with a lot for a long period of time. ugh.
So sorry
Submitted by Swedish coast on
It does sound very hard. I'm sorry you are faced with such grim options too. Divorce is a beast.
A peaceful post-divorce state has not yet set in for me six months after. But my children are happy. I can tell them and be proud, that I loved their father and did all I could for us to be able to stay together, but it was too hard. Now I can say with some authority to my child who might be too kind for her own good, that we all need to set boundaries in life and to respect ourselves as much as those we love.
I hope for the very best for you! You are not alone in this.