After almost 15 yrs of a rocky marriage and 2 kids (one of whom has ADHD), I fear the flooding my husband experiences is going to end our marriage. I’ve tried to tolerate it. His defense is that it only happens once in a while so I shouldn’t hold that against him or carry it as baggage in our relationship. But, I can’t. I’m not built for this. He is a wonderful man with a kind heart and all the morals and good values any wife would look for. And when he’s not held hostage by his quick temper, he is helpful and fun and attentive. BUT, when something happens to set him off (even something accidental) he becomes a different person. Someone I don’t like. His tone becomes loud and bitterly sarcastic. He will yell and curse in front of our kids. I don’t know this man. And as quickly as it happens, it’s over for him. But I am left feeling bitter and unhappy and drained. My feelings of love have been diminished. Even when he’s being nice, I can’t help thinking “it won’t last, he’ll have another outburst soon enough.” He has ADHD. I also believe he has what Melissa calls rejection sensitive dysphoria. I’ve seen him get rageful when our son doesn’t feel like hugging him. It’s terrible. He doesn’t even realize it. He is taking ADHD meds. But he won’t do the important work involved in therapy/anger management to really get this in check. I am very conflicted and keep fantasizing about leaving him. We don’t have trust issues or affairs. We are not physically abusive to each other. I know in my heart that if he really worked hard, he could change. But, I can’t make him work. He went to therapy for 2 mos, and stopped because of 1 thing the therapist said that pissed him off. I keep thinking, “am I ready to leave? One more outburst and maybe I’ll just fly out the door in a fit of anger? WHAT WILL MY LAST STRAW ACTUALLY BE??? Or have all my straws already been broken? Maybe if I say I’m leaving that will finally wake him up?” Sorry for the rant. I am seeing a therapist and working on “me.” But my feelings about my marriage remain negative and sad, even when things are peaceful...because they are never peaceful for long.
Done with his flooding
Submitted by Goldilox73 on 12/17/2017.
I think you know what you need to do.
Submitted by sickandtired on
If you are fantasizing about leaving him, and asking yourself if the time has come to leave, that is your survival instincts telling you to leave. Please listen to your inner voice. You and your kids deserve so much better. Hugs.
Goldi, how many years has he
Submitted by Chevron on
Goldi, how many years has he done this?
Our entire 14 year marriage.
Submitted by Goldilox73 on
Our entire 14 year marriage. But it wasn’t until 2017 when he was diagnosed that we put 2 and 2 together realizing it was ADHD flooding.
Us, too
Submitted by phatmama on
IN our marriage, both of us have done this off and on for 21 years and it is awful. We both have ADHD and emotional reactivity is a daily reality in our home between him, me, or our oldest daughter with ADHD. Over the 21 years, it has eroded so much of what was once great between us and I don't know who I hate more, him for doing that to me or me for doing it to him. In my case, I have found the BEST intervention by far for these outbursts is any type of SSRI medication, such as Prozac (my personal favorite), Celexa, Zoloft, Paxil, etc.....Even though they are technically for depression, they work really well for me for dialing down my "flooding" as you called it (which is an excellent description). I started taking them 17 years ago when our first child was four years old and I was losing it at her almost daily and I decided I either had to get help or leave because I was going to destroy her (she has severe ADHD and was violent and would not sleep and NEVER settled down and extremely defiant and it was a battle all day every day). Once I started taking Prozac, it was like the wild beast that had lived in me my entire life was tamed. I was still me, but calmer, with a much, much longer trigger point. It is only recently that I have had menopause-related medication issues and am not taking anything again that I realize how much it really did help, because now my husband is triggering me all over the place and we are back to square one. After the first of the new year, I am going to get back to my doctor and get back on some kind of SSRI again because that has been the ONLY thing that has ever helped me with this symptom. Sadly, because of my husband's career, he is not allowed to take ANY kind of mental health medication and so I am stuck with his rants for the rest of my life. Every time it happens, it leaves me feeling like I have been in a car accident and I am in total shock and I just emotionally ache all over. I have never really considered leaving, though, because I know the same beast lives in me (and our oldest daughter) and that it does not reflect his best self, which is kind, funny, highly intelligent, playful, fun, and a great provider. I encourage you to talk to your husband about medication because medication for rage is not the same thing as medication for ADHD medication, even though the blowups can be part of the ADHD flooding. Rage typically responds well to mood stabilizers or antidepressants and if he is willing to try this, you may have a solution to your marriage trauma that would be a lifeline for you and your children. I wish you the best-- I know how awful and degrading this symptom is and how this is the one that is almost always a "dealbreaker" for spouses on the receiving end of this. Peace be with you.
Totally relate
Submitted by Goldilox73 on
Phatmama, thank you for your response. It helps to know I am not alone because I feel isolated with these issues most of the time. If you don’t mind me asking, apart from your own outbursts, what do you DO when your husband rages? Do you let it happen until the volcano has stopped erupting? Do you engage until you are both screaming? Do you say nothing and fester for days from the event? If you hadn’t already guessed, I do all 3. None of them are effective. I will ask about SSRI’s, too.
Flooding response @ Goldilox73
Submitted by phatmama on
I am sorry it has taken me so long to respond, but I haven't been online in a while until today. As for what I do when my husband rages, or "floods", as we are calling it here: when I am medicated, I ride it out and try to smooth it over. Classic codependent BS basically. When I am NOT medicated, it's on. I have an extremely sensitive response to ANY aggression, verbal or physical (I have PTSD in addition to ADHD) and aggression literally makes me go ballistic. It is essentially a "fight or flight" response on steroids. That is the reason I find that medication has been my salvation. Not only does it keep me from flooding and making our home hostile, tense, and miserable, but it ALSO keeps me from responding to the flooding of my husband (and our 21 year old daughter, who has severe ADHD and is VERY volatile also). It might be helpful to try therapy, meditation, prayer, journaling, or deep breathing if you are neuro-typical and can train yourself to respond reasonably and calmly, but I cannot and none of these things do diddly-squat for me. Of all the ADHD or neurological symptoms present in our home with the various members, this is by far the one that has been the most painful and difficult to manage. I wish you luck and peace.
The flooding is only part of the problem here....
Submitted by c ur self on
It doesn't happen that often so it can catch me by surprise...I try to live in an awareness level that she is capable of saying or doing anything, at any moment....A few days ago I was crossing the road in the car (No right turn area) and she just started screaming, GO GO GO...and I mean bloody murder screaming...It shocked be so much I just lifted my foot off the gas and coasted across the road...The car she was screaming about was 100 yards down the road....
What I would like to say about these incidents is this:...One, they can happen at any moment, but, more times than not she is off of her adderall when it happens....And there are other triggers, such as stress...If we have been side ways about an issue watch out...:)
But as for as what to do as a response....I also have tried it all....My tendency is to point it....ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!....But all that gets is more flooding and blame....(She will fight to the death) LOL.....
So the only way to defuse it and allow her to see her self is to say one thing....Please don't do that again....And then say nothing else....This happened in Atlanta, We had been stuck setting in our flight for 5 or more hours due to a power failure at the airport....After we had flown 11.5 hours from Rome....She was sick, and we got in the bed at 2:30 AM....This kind of stress along w/ no meds is almost automatic wild and crazy behaviors....Or off the wall comments or flooding......
PS 4 hours later she apologized....
C
Justifying and excusing themselves....
Submitted by c ur self on
After reading your post again Goldilox I decided to share this....My spouse basically refused to deal w/ herself until I asked her to leave...It took me a long time (9.5 years) to get to the place where a peaceful life meant more to me, than co-existing w/ her behaviors...Now no one can bring you to this place....But when, and if, you get there you will know it, you will be at peace with it...
Your husband really sounds like a nice guy and that is how he see's himself, **his intentions**...The anger outbursts he is excusing and justifying in order to not face it....As long as you tolerate it, sadly it's not likely to change....
C.
Hugging
Submitted by MrsADD on
I found your comment on hugging interesting. My add spouse insists on this from my daughters as well he does not outburst when they say no but I notice as my oldest 5 gets older she feels awkward. He also insists on saying I love u all the time which I think is weird. I guess for me these things occur in moments u feel them and u don't force them on someone. My middle kid age 3 refused until recently to say it or hug him. Is forcing affection an add thing?