The biggest "takeaway" I have gleaned from this site is that you can't change someone else. You can only change yourself. By myself, I have learned to not be so emotional...and that love is not the emotion (which, for me was probably more about need and insecurity and culture) but it is about being cared for and caring. I cried a lot in my early marriage years making myself a victim rather than the person of strength I could have been. I don't know how to fight....didn't want to fight. But I realize now that I am in charge of my self. Maybe it is because our culture today is more supportive of women who can handle themselves more than when I was young - we were expected to be feminine and demure.
To you young couples I give the message — Bring your entire self into the world and into the relationship. If you are afraid to be yourself, you need to find another place to be. Don't be afraid to use your voice and your choices to stand strong...even if you end up standing alone.
I am trying to do this. I lost myself in what I thought was "love" and the rules of the marriage vows (I was told my the minister to "honor and obey", H was not told to "honor and obey") but now I realize I was full of romantic notions of being taken care of and following rules. I wasn't taken care of by H even though I gave my self to him and our marriage. I am realizing that I must be a whole person before I can be in a good relationship.
I think c says very similar things. c calls this having boundaries. I call this having your own voice and giving yourself the permission to speak up and hold strong to your own convictions and good habits.
"Don't complain and live a silently angry life while at the same time continuing to do the very things that make you angry. Don't blame someone else for your failure to stand up for yourself."
It's his choice.
Submitted by jennalemone on
I am trying to incorporate a new perspective in my conversations with H. He seems to have the upper hand when we talk or make decisions partly because he will never agree to make a decision with me. Partly because he is louder and rougher talking than I am. Everything is left open and uncommitted. EVERYTHING! So if I go ahead and make a decision it feels to me like I did something "behind his back". I am always the lone ranger toward any action/purchase/anything. I am working on my words in our conversations that give him the choice and make sure it is clear (repeated a few times if necessary) that if he does not commit, that THAT is his choice. That his choice is to not be involved and not be a part of the decision thereby giving me the decision-making duty and privilege. If I don't do that, NOTHING will get done. Ugh!!!! Sometimes I feel like my feet are in quicksand and I am judging myself for my own inaction. Everything overwhelms him and it seems like I am doomed to live much lower than my own standards....his standards have become so low and I don't like myself living to his standards. But his choices are his choices. Inaction is his choice. I MUST keep going and keep things going in spite of him. He chooses not to be involved.
Hi Jenna....I hear you :)
Submitted by c ur self on
(He seems to have the upper hand when we talk or make decisions partly because he will never agree to make a decision with me. Partly because he is louder and rougher talking than I am. Everything is left open and uncommitted. EVERYTHING! So if I go ahead and make a decision it feels to me like I did something "behind his back". I am always the lone ranger toward any action/purchase/anything.)
The things you say about yourself in your original post is about filling your role (vows) as your husband's wife...What you have been telling us for 5 years is, very little **healthy** is coming back...You don't have to disrespect him, to be YOU;)...You've shown your desire for a healthy marriage...But, like your original statement says....You can't make that choice for him....And that bullying he does, it's because he know's he can...It's always worked for him....I like what you say here, but, for me I would just have to calmly go do what I thought was right....After 11 years, no matter how I say it, nor what words I form to say it...It's discounted, or not heard....So go girl!...
c
Remember he only seems like
Submitted by Sollertiae on
Remember he only seems like he has the upper hand, when in fact he is the one who is struggling. Open and uncommitted decision making is often the failsafe for attention dysregulation. The self monologue goes: 'if you never commit to something, the it matter less when you fail because it is inevitable you will because it is simply too hard and overwhelming.' So do what you need to do, which as you say is to provide an option for him to participate if he can get over the wall of inertia, but don't wait around and definitely don't feel like you are doing it behind his back. Ironically, you going ahead and doing what you need and want will remove some of the overwhelm and lack of decision making.
Wonderful points
Submitted by Sollertiae on
There is a particular counsellor who does a podcast about relationships that I really enjoy because of the way she articulates relationships (all relationships) and what is a healthy form of attachment and means to interact. Above and beyond all other points is that you cannot completely and utterly depend on a romantic attachment for everything in life - companionship, friendship, romance, sexual attraction, carer, parent to your children, business partner. To expect that of one person is too much, and any health relationship requires the maintenance of your own life, your own interests, friendships and concerns. Without there is provides no room to be interesting and attractive to each other, and the risk of smothering is high. Likewise being too far apart means you drift away. The trick is to find the balance between being too independent and too dependent, and then somehow to stay on that narrow footing, where the boundaries give enough room for everyone to be themselves.
I like this point because it is nice to be reminded that this is the case in all relationships in the long term, and not something that necessarily comes naturally to people. That there are others out there struggling with the same things, albeit differently, and that some of them have more to do with how we are bought up and taught to interact than simply a brain that has regulation issues. I suppose one upside is that at least I don't have to worry about becoming too codependent! As long as I can avoid the parenting trap.