First of all, thank you to all the contributors to this site and forum. It has helped me so much to read and relate - although I haven't written until now, I've been reading for quite awhile, and it's really really helped me understand things...
1 trait of my now ex has always felt like a part of his ADHD to me, but I'm not sure that I've heard anyone really mention it on the site, at least not too much, or in the same way. I'm wondering if anyone can relate, or, if maybe this is just him and not his ADHD. Anyway - I just never felt loved... Maybe in the beginning, but even then I remember talking to my friends about how it was weird that he never asked ME questions. We'd talk and talk but he didn't really seem interested in getting to know me in the way someone usually does when they fall in love with you. I just didn't feel loved. In so many ways. And, I don't think many people would have. He just wasn't even one bit effusive with his feelings - ever. Never connected with me in the way I usually have with partners. In a way he is so present in every moment - but kind of not with me somehow. It's hard to explain. He rarely ever complimented me. Just didn't say nice things. I don't know. I feel funny even writing this because maybe it sounds like it was just him (or us), and not the ADHD... But, it so felt like part of it to me when we were together. Part of how distracted he always is - how he always needs to run and run and do a million things. Disorganized, so he doesn't remember what I or we are doing or planned to do. Just such a mess with everything in his life, schedules, the physical house, always so tired because he can't sleep.... His lack of ability to connect with me in a normal way and make me feel loved feels like a part of all this to me - but, I'm not sure. I'm sorry if I went on and on with my question or was unclear. Hard to explain and talk about. Thank you again for all the support you've already offered me through this site and your contributions.
This reminds me of my husband
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
This reminds me of my husband. He gets very enthralled by sad or sentimental movies and stories but doesn't seem to react at all to things in my life, except when I get upset about something he's done, and then he instantly becomes defensive and acts victimized.
Yup!
Submitted by kotf on
So true!
I just responded to another post on this thread that was really meant for you too. Check it out if you like. And, thank you so much for your support. It's helpful to talk about this and learn more from others.
not feeling loved and sappy movies
Submitted by momma of four on
Same for me! My DH with AHDH cries at movies - remembers their intricate plots perfectly - will watch them again and still cry! It strikes me as weird and frankly annoying.
He did the romance thing to win me - over the top.....but now is so self consumed - and addicted to his 'fake' relationships on Facebook.
Strange - Facebook friends think he is amazing - a dedicated and loving husband - but none of them live nearby or are in relationship with me. I think once again it is a tool to inflate and very poor ego. Also, I think he is a narcissist. His posts seem to be honoring me or one of our kids, but I think he is really using us to make him look good. He dad was actually diagnosed as a narcissist - but no ADHD as far as I know. Reading all these posts it does seem like ADHD people are rather narcissistic - or is their issue for consuming that they cannot help to only focus on themselves? My DH is more than that. He really is into grandiosity and such.
Who knows! How to separate one issue from another?! I really wish he would get a brain scan to look at some things. He also has learning issues.
Oh well. Got to raise four kids!
Here's a question...
Submitted by kotf on
Do you think that they KNOW that the superficial relationships (like facebook ones) aren't really real friendships, or not? Sometimes I think he gets annoyed with me thinking that I'm not as good to him as others or something because I talk with him about problems, struggle emotionally to cope with some of this stuff, etc. But, really, he doesn't have a relationship with those people! It's easy because it's superficial and not deep at all! My acquaintances and I have great relationships too! But, maybe that's what he likes - those kinds of connections. Something real and deep is too much... What do you think?
I get the sense that my
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I get the sense that my husband wants the connections but doesn't want the work and the pain that go with them. Work: being willing to listen carefully, choose one's response carefully, respond to messages promptly. Pain: being willing to share another person's difficulties.
I'm very close to our daughters. I know my husband would like to be. Our daughters are young adults. I've been cultivating the emotional-connection aspects of our relationship since they were babies. Seriously. I didn't always know if I was doing the right thing but I always had the goal of being or becoming a person my daughters would turn to at times of need. I think that I've succeeded to a large extent. One is more open than the other, but I think that they're as open with me as they are with almost anyone. This is very meaningful to me but also can be very painful because I love my daughters so, so much that when they tell me something is wrong, I feel worse than when bad things happen to me.
connection
Submitted by momma of four on
Rosered,
Yeah - I think he prefers Facebook friends because he is able to be whoever he wants to be or in fact believes he really is! No one on FB confronts him about issues like finances, messiness, being late, losing jobs, etc. They have no accountability or expectations. My DH love to write funny and witty things. He is an English teacher - so writing is quite important to him. FB seems to meet a lot of his needs. I was thinking about asking him to quit it entirely, if he wanted to remain married, but honestly, I don't even want to spend time with him, so it doesn't matter. I am so past that point. I don't think I have the energy or desire to figure out how to be married to an ADHD person successfully at this point, even if he really does decide he wants to make steps to change. I have been so used and abused for so long, I don't want to take my time and energy now after 17 years to learn how to talk to him, especially when I know the type of marriage we could ultimately have (IF he really is up for it) would fall far short of a somewhat 'normal' marriage where people really are partners - more mutual, etc. I think we all married someone who had a serious disability that was hidden - like they had a difficult disease - and now we must carry the heavy load. If it was cancer or something, I guess we wouldn't complain. But, if he had cancer, I doubt he would make it my fault that he had it, or deny it or chose to blame/accuse me/abuse me because he didn't want to deal with it. Who knows? Maybe people with cancer do things like ADHD folks do who are in denial about it?! Had my DH acknowledged and dealt with his ADHD early on I think it would not be a big deal at all - difficult, yes. But anything is possible when you face facts and get all the help you can! Seventeen years of lying, blaming, denial, etc. makes for a real nightmare, regardless of what the underlying issue really is!
Anyway - yes, FB meets a lot of needs for my DH. I'm ok with that. Just sad.
Yep
Submitted by Lynnw on
It's like porn: women who can't expect anything from him. My ex loved porn (but lost all sexual interest in me, demanding B that I was). "Superficially" is his favorite way to relate to people.
Cardboard cutout
Submitted by sunlight on
"lack of ability to connect"
I have a very clear recollection of feeling like a cardboard cutout, like I wasn't real - and in fact the whole room wasn't real nor anything or anyone in it - in the presence of my (undiagnosed) husband's father. Even my ADHD husband (not having seen his father for a couple of years) felt something was 'odd'. He (the father) didn't take any interest when first introduced. It was like being on a film set. In fact when my husband left the room his father acted as though the director had just said 'cut' - he seemed to completely switch off. And when he (husband) came back in it was time for 'lights, camera, action'. I do believe it was the ADHD (overwhelm and inability to function under some types of social stress*), and I ponder on the effect this must have had on his children while growing up.
* He (the father) was known as a popular, gregarious, high performer so I believe the 'freezes' happened when it 'mattered' and was a 'serious' interaction rather than just social chitchat.
I relate to that too...
Submitted by kotf on
Thank you for getting back to me - (both responders) it's really helps me move forward as I understand all of this a little better.
This is basically why our marriage ended... I needed to feel connected to him more, feel more loved, cherished, attended to - or even just present once in a while and not totally invisible! I was (somehow) managing to deal with our messy house - which is the understatement of the year - the fact that he is always late, has waaaaay too many projects., etc., etc., etc., but I need to feel loved. His lack of ability to connect with me - sit, talk, listen, follow-up, compliment... I just couldn't take it. I was trying to speak with him about it nicely and guide us toward some actions/behaviors that would help me feel better, but he never really made much of an effort and I certainly didn't see any progress. Additionally, plans that we had together always came in last priority - and the house was really disturbing. I'll clean, I'll organize, I'll live with it being pretty bad a lot of the time - but he just wouldn't stop bringing more stuff into the house! Even though he couldn't spare the money not to mention the time required to get new things. Why why why couldn't he just tune in and settle into a life with me a bit? He acted like he wanted to - said that he did -but I always felt on the outside. I never felt anywhere close to the center of his world - as he was for me...
Anyway, he decided to end the marriage and I moved out a few months ago. He did it basically because I complained too much and "was trying to change him" Well... No.... I was just trying to make the situation a little better so that I could feel happier. But, I guess that's a big part of why he did it too - said he couldn't make me happy. Said I kept promising to let things go and not get upset or emotional or angry, but then I kept doing it anyway. It was so harsh to me I felt. Like I'd run out of chances or something. I've never ever been accused of being a mean person - but that's how he sees it. I just wanted to feel more loved. But all he thinks about is himself it seems to me. And he doesn't even know it.
I'm still married, but my
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I'm still married, but my husband and I live separately. Almost four years ago, he decided to take a "temporary" job being his parents' caregivers out of town. His parents do need the help but I think that as much, if not more, of the motivation for my husband was to get away from me, because he doesn't like it that I try to talk about and resolve our problems. He considers me to be judgmental if I make any suggestions about his life. I think he sees me as a mom or a therapist or a priest. He wants to be able to vent to me but he doesn't want to hear about my life.
wow
Submitted by kotf on
Wow wow wow. That's really interesting to think about and helpful. Yes! I relate to that so much. The one-sided nature of it. See, the relationship was working for him, so he couldn't see why I was always having so many problems. Well, of course it was working for him! He has a supportive tuned-in compassionate and generous partner. But, he couldn't really learn or even understand how to do that in return. He thought just being there was enough I guess? Or taking me around to a 100 million places all the time to enjoy his hobbies and interests? I did like a lot of the stuff we did - but it was hard to get the man just to stay home... Anyway, that's really interesting and helpful. I guess he found it interesting enough to talk to me when we were talking about his stuff - but, as I feared, I just wasn't that interesting to him... Or, at least not to his ADHD.
I feel kind of mixed about this. I would've thought I'd be more upset. I miss him terribly in many ways, but I'm also pretty relieved. How are you feeling about the separation?
I'm OK with the separation.
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I'm OK with the separation. Sad that I couldn't make the marriage work, but things could be worse. I've improved my finances; my husband's have gotten worse. I have a small group of friends and good coworkers and I'm close to my family. I have a reasonable amount of interests. On the negative side, I feel like used goods; I doubt I'll ever date a man again. If the guy who knew me longest and best couldn't stand to be with me, who else would?
I hear ya
Submitted by kotf on
I feel sort of ok with us splitting too... I really miss him, and I'm so sad about it. Really, I'm just extremely disappointed in him. He really let me down. I thought he'd fight harder for us - I thought he'd try. But, no... It's easier to go - so he did. I have to say though, I guess I agree that he couldn't make me happy. I need to feel loved - and I need that mental/intellectual/verbal connection that he just isn't capable of giving me (maybe not anyone.)
But, listen, you are not used goods. You will absolutely find someone else who will love you and make you much happier than he did. ALLOW you to be happy. We're old enough to know that someone else can't make you happy - but they have to support your happiness! He made me invisible - it was ALL about him. I'm assuming it was the same for you. You just need to heal up a bit. Don't rush it. But, be good to yourself. Remind yourself of how strong and capable and positive you can be. Should be easier now with the distance between you! And, it'll come. I think there is something about heart break that makes us feel like we'll never be with any one again. That's the heartbreak talking. You will. You'll see. And, even if not for some reason. it sounds like we both have a chance to be an awfully lot happier on our own than with him. At least now I feel lonely and unloved because I'm single - not because my husband doesn't make me feel heard, cared for, important...
Still miss him though.... Still hurts... I can't believe he just ended it like that - so sudden. If he can do that though - I'd prefer he leave. There are many bright sides to this split - that's for sure. Trying to be honest with myself about whether I miss him, or I miss the dream of who I'd hoped I was marrying...
You might want to look up
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
You might want to look up "fear of intimacy" on the Internet. I'm sorry I don't have any resources at my fingertips right now, but that's what I think is going on with my husband. I think many people are afraid of intimacy but some work through it and others don't. Many years ago (we've been married almost 30 years; it was probably 10 years ago or so), I made a conscious decision to try to become more emotionally connected to my husband, to show him my vulnerabilities, etc. Guess what happened? He began withdrawing: from me, from our daughters, from family responsibilities. Right at the time, I didn't realize what was going on, but eventually, I saw it, and it made me very sad. He'll still say sometimes that he wants to be close but I think he's unwilling to engage in the work that requires.
thank you
Submitted by kotf on
Thanks for the tip.
My husband actually seemed to revel in intimacy in some ways. He was very affectionate physically, and he said that how affectionate I am was one of his favorite things about me - it's his verbal intimacy that's lacking.
He's like that with everyone. It was always kind of hard around my friends and family as he never really asked them about them. He doesn't really have close friends, but looooves social media and thinks he has tons of friends as a result of all his contacts there and acquaintances he has from around the city from all his running around and hobbies. But they aren't real friendships. Most people just think he's really quiet. But, there's more to it than that. He usually isn't listening, but he's gotten good at looking like he is. Ugh....
My husband LOVES physical
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
My husband LOVES physical intimacy (aka, touching and sex). But he has big barriers to allowing me to be emotionally intimate; it's too much work for him. Sex, in contrast, is easy and immediately fulfilling.
too much work
Submitted by kotf on
That's it! That's what it is! It's too much work to be emotionally intimate. It's not exciting enough. It's not "immediately fulfilling." It's just kind of boring to him... He can't focus...
Thank you! Great insight!
It's almost impossible to be married to someone who finds a silly facebook exchange with an acquaintance to be more exciting and fulfilling than an intimate conversation with his love. I can't handle it. I'm too sensitive. It hurt so much every day...
I can relate
Submitted by Lynnw on
I've heard of people with ADD who are very emotional and passionate. Not my husband; his emotions were pretty flatline (he absolutely does NOT have the hyperactive component...he's the slowest-moving person I know). Rarely a spark of enthusiasm or passion. He told me that he loved me the first time we met. Yeah, I thought that was strange, but I was too young and stupid to run away. I've learned since that he will say whatever he thinks will get him what he wants, whether it's true or not. He told me he loved me all the time, but I never felt it. It's like he'd read in a book that he was supposed to say he loved me, but didn't really understand what it meant.
yep, very familiar with this
Submitted by dedelight4 on
kotf, you are writing about something I've lived for over 30 years now. The first 10-15 years, I used to ask my husband why he stayed so "distant" from me. He didn't ask me questions either, ask about my life or what I was doing, or tried to connect with me in all the "normal" ways most people connect. Yet, at the SAME TIME, he would get jealous of me and OTHERS (family, friends, etc) who would have long intimate conversations and talk for hours and laugh and joke, talking about very serious things also. He said he didn't feel included and that he was always an "outsider". But, CONNECTION was something he just DIDN'T DO. I think his ADHD didn't allow him to understand what CONNECTING to others is really about. He wanted to TALK AND DO ALL THE TALKING, but he didn't want to LISTEN. He has always been very bad about listening. There were times I watched people just walk away from him because he wouldn't stop talking. I've had to interrupt him at times, and interject questions to others we were talking to, just so that the other people wouldn't get OVERWHELMED by my husband's non-stop talking about himself.
I didn't get compliments either, even though I OFTEN gave them to HIM. I acted towards him the way I wanted him to treat me, and thought that would somehow "rub off". NOOOOOOOOOOO. Most people with ADHD don't get subtle clues, and even when you tell them DIRECTLY about these things, they STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND IT. But, they get ANGRY and upset because they think you are working "against them somethow". It was crazy as hell, and I felt like I was loosing my mind. I tried every which way I could to try to explain some of my "needs" to him, but he would just get angry and say "I can't quit my job to give you hugs and kisses and attention 24/7". To which I would answer, "I don't want attention 24/7, I only want a little attention or affection OCCASIONALLY, or a compliment now and then". He never got it, and only got angry that I was asking him to do impossible tasks. To me, married people who loved each other would be willing and able to hug, kiss, show each other affection, WILLINGLY, and yes SEX was a big benefit to the whole thing. But, even the sex wore off. It got less and less and less until now it's none at all. Even counselors told me, "Your husband is NOT a mind reader you have to TELL HIM what you want"......Well, THAT didn't do any good with someone who has serious ADHD. He didn't get it, or didn't WANT to. Either way, it was hard as hell to have a marriage with only one person being married.
The BIGGEST problem, is that my ADHD husband will NOT DISCUSS ANY OF THIS, even with a counselor. We've had marriage counseling in the past, but he will talk about everything and anything EXCEPT himself and WHO HE IS INSIDE. We haven't had a counselor yet, who could get through his "deny and deflect" way of speaking.
My husband, like many other people with ADHD, can, and DO talk to "outsiders", and will talk for hours on end, telling them all kinds of secrets and intimate details of their/OUR lives, but they WILL NOT DO THE SAME WITH THEIR SPOUSES. It is something that has boggled my mind all these years, but you will read about this in almost ALL of the posts in this forum.