My husband has ADHD. For most of our marriage I've been the breadwinner in our family - bringing almost 80% of our income. I am ambitious - I work hard and I love doing well financially. When I am doing well, I love to share the fruits of my labor. I love being generous and having nice things. My husband, not so much. He's had a few jobs since we've been together, but they are usually low-wage jobs - and none have lasted. The last job he had - he was demoted from a supervisor to a delivery driver. I can tell it really hurt his ego and he ended up quitting without a back up plan. Now he makes $10 an hour - working only a few hours a week.
Sadly, we have this cycle:
1. I am generous. I have extra income. I end up paying our bills and expenses - mortgage, food, car, household repairs - an occasional night out.
2. I am reminded through some action (He forgot his wallet, the internet is turned off because he doesn't have enough money to cover it, a call from a creditor, etc) that he is not bringing in enough income.
3. I get angry at this. I realize I never feel taken care of or appreciated. I start to fuss about how much I do for him. I fuss about him getting a better job - bringing in more money. I tell him he is a man - an adult - that he should be doing better. When things get really heated - I suggest that he should move out if he's not willing to make a change.
4. He gets very upset, pale, makes promises to do better - pleads, cries - says he sees how much he is hurting me. Says he will get a better job - says he will pick up more hours...
5. He never does better!! When I bring up his promises and how they've not been met - he says I am mean for bringing them up. He says I've never given him a chance to do better. (um, 14 years of marriage?)
6. Then, I find myself paying for things again.
My contract is coming to an end at the company I am working for - so I am in the position of needing to find more work. I feel such anxiety about continuing a relationship with him given his track record. I know his low-wage paychecks won't cover our bills and expenses. I am tired of giving him more chances to disappoint me. I love him - but I feel like well - does he love me? Why would a man allow his wife to make such sacrifices? Isn't he supposed to be stepping up - taking charge? What about the statistics that say men earn more than women? I confronted him with these questions and he told me I had married a complacent man. Is he proud of this?
Hyperballad, can he help it?
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Hi, I just wanted to say a few words to the questions you posted. You ended with, "Is he proud of this"?.....I can honestly say no, he isn't. From your writing, it sounds like you really DO care and love this man, but ADHD is getting in the way for both of you. It is in my relationship with my husband as well. Your husband sounds like he might be really "ashamed" of who he is with this condition, and shame can hold him back from doing a lot.
There is someone you would benefit from listening to and he's on YouTube. HIs name is Dr. Russell Barkley, and one of his videos is called "Self regulation and executive functioning", which would give you a ton of information about some of the WHY's in why your husband might be doing some of the things he's doing. All with this disorder have something that isn't functioning right in their brain, and it DOES affect many things, but mostly relationships. This is not an excuse, it's a fact, but they CAN learn ways to help themselves work with it, and around it. Plus, the partners (us) have to learn new ways of communicating with them, and better ways of interacting together that do work.
My husband has severe ADHD, but doesn't feel it affects our relationship that much, (denial), which is a hard thing to get through, but your husband seems to want some solutions. The books HERE, suggested on this site, "ADHD and marriage", written by Melissa is wonderful, as well as her site here. I 've read it, but my husband won't, so we've been at an impasse for a long time.
I believe more relationships could work well, if both people work through this. I guess it's getting to THAT point though, that seems to be the trouble for so many. I hope you guys seek out these better solutions, because they are available. I wish you both the best, and keep posting, because there are SO MANY others here that are much better at explaining these things than I am, but I just wanted to say HI.
Thank you so much for the
Submitted by HyperBallad on
Thank you so much for the message and the link suggestions. Russell Barkley made a great point about someone with ADHD being late for a date and how that would be a deal breaker for a person without ADHD. How stressful - as I tend to be very sensitive to these things. It helps to understand the missing social cues though.
I hope you are hanging in there too and thanks so much for your comment.
Focus on his ADHD more than his priorities.
Submitted by smd1409 on
Your life seems to almost mirror mine, based on everything you've said. There's only two real differences:
1: You have been married for 14 years; I have been married for 3.
2: I have finally accepted my ADHD traits.
Every other thing you have said is exactly the same. Oh also, I'm the ADHD husband (I was even a delivery driver at one point). I was in a fly or fall situation (my whole family being affected dramatically by it) and after failing miserably at every other award-winning, successful given-by-professionals-and-millionaires strategy for years and years, attempted to try ADHD help strategies, only to find that they helped tremendously which forced me to accept that I had ADHD.
Focus on improving his ADHD traits, especially habits. Working with him will speed up the process and help him accept it. When I say work with him I don't mean make sure he's reminded all the time or tell him what he should be doing, I mean discuss with him about the things he could try which might work for him and what he is and isn't willing to do at the time. Read stories together and help books about ADHD which you think relate to yours and see if you can draw some solutions with him from there. I also have jumped from job to job a few times, all low wages, though one reasonable wage. Do you know what happened to that reasonable wage job? I had to quit because of severe depression and anxiety from trying to keep that job and work like the 'average' person. In that time I caused much more trouble for everyone around me than what was worth coming from it. My untreated ADHD had interfered with it so much that this was what it lead to. If you don't treat it now every time he makes an effort it will only lead to failure which will frustrate you both.
That ego he has which you said was hurt when he got demoted? Chances are it has been harmed in a similar way a large number of times before. In his own world he recognised every small failure and found a pattern which he couldn't break out of no matter what he tried and someone outside has finally realised this and decided to take action against him. The only reason you've not noticed this is because once again, it all happens in his own world and being demoted was something that happened externally. I had six assignments for a university course to do throughout the year. I got 50% on my assignment at the beginning and the feedback I got for it was that I had an adventurous and very interesting way of thinking about things but I made too many careless mistakes and that things didn't make sense whatsoever (in a true undiagnosed ADHD manner I was last-minute for every deadline, missing many deadlines which they allowed an extension for because of the surfaced depression and anxiety). So I based my next essay on the previous feedback that was given. The result? 50%, same remarks. So I tried to learn from it again, used different ways of trying to explain what was on my mind so that people could understand. Can you guess what happened to the next 4 essays? Now imagine that one scenario being applied to every part of your life (I didn't know that I might have ADHD at that time so every strategy failed).
When things like that that happen, it destroys anyone, not just those with ADHD. You also have to remember that this is only one trait of many in ADHD which recur and consistent causes problems for him in his life. Recovering from it is not easy. It's even harder when you have someone who is constantly beside you telling you you haven't done enough after believing that you've tried everything you could. He gets that from everyone else too. To have someone who can be patient and say "we will get through this together", I believe will make an incredible difference. When I realised I had ADHD, I told myself that I would go through this alone because I didn't want people trying to tell me what to do again and that no one, not even my wife, would be 'helpful'. Helpful to me is when people are patient with me and offer to work together with me, not give me orders that need to be completed and compare me to the rest of the world who can do complete these orders. They don't have ADHD so they cannot begin to understand the struggles I go through to complete these same orders. However, when my wife started to show support using ADHD strategies, learning about not only ways to help me but help herself help me and offering very positively enforced, non-judgemental solutions I began to feel like someone was in my life. The thing is when she just offers discussions about how I can change, I will feel at fault, as I always have. When she began to change herself as well in order to help me, it no longer felt like a fault I have to accept and a trouble for the world, but another obstacle in life that needs to be overcome. The same thing, but two very different ways of looking at it.
Given how your husband feels similar to me and his situation, if you have any questions about the way he acts I can probably try to explain to you what I go through which might be exactly what he goes through. Have him look at what I've said below as a common problem I faced and see if he can relate and if it doesn't, at least you can both find comfort in knowing that people with ADHD have completely understandable reasons for the way they act. Oh, also don't let him use ADHD as an excuse, only as a reference to remind you to be patient and think things through for discussion.
I've found that when the average person looks at paperwork, they will see it as boring and struggle through it until they say "phew, I'm glad that's done". I will say the same, except after I've completed writing down my first name in an application.
You see, if I look at jobs, I feel overwhelmed. I think about all the problems that I might face in my job, look at the job descriptions or think about what that job involves, think about how I might fail in a similar fashion to how I've failed before, get bored with the job, quit the job, have my wife and parents and employers and everyone complain about who I am for doing what I've done and telling me off for different reasons and so on and so forth. It all points to the idea that it won't work, so I feel demoralised and I've essentially used up all my energy thinking about everything that might happen and what problems there are with finding and getting a job. These thought will not leave my mind no matter how hard I try and may occupy me for an entire hour. I will literally get tired from thinking too much, stressed, worried, frustrated, and feel as though I need something to calm down with before I break down or go crazy. So to protect myself I'll go do something else.
I come back to it, not hours later but maybe days or weeks. My worries prevent me from doing it again but I constantly have the idea of doing it again. Every time however I get distracted by something or tell myself I just need to prepare myself it a bit more. Once I finally get round to it, I print out the paper application or begin asking and once again everything feels overwhelming. I look at a piece of paper and I don't think to myself to start from the top and work down but rather I look at the entire piece and think to myself that I can't get this finished and I don't know how to start. My same worries surface and occupy my mind for a similar amount of time until I tell myself that I'll try again later, printing the paper was another great step forward (though I tell myself that it was something small compared to what others do which frustrates me even more).
You see, I can't start from the beginning because I see every piece on information on the piece of paper and my mind cannot ignore it. Even though I tell myself to just start from the beginning and work my way through, my mind cannot stop thinking about every other piece of information there and so I'll constantly look back at it while also looking at the beginning as I get distracted easily. However when I get distracted this time, I think about all my worries again and my mind knows that these worries are real and have happened before on many, many, many occasions, and I can't bare to see the same thing happen again. Once again, they will occupy my mind until I can no longer mentally withstand the thoughts.
So I get back to it, maybe not hours, but days or weeks later depending on the urgency, because I think I still have time as always. I have been aware from the very beginning of this that if I do nothing I will also fail myself and others and get frustrated at myself because I can't act on these feelings because I keep getting distracted by other things and I keep forgetting to get back to it. I do look at it regular and go back to the application regularly, but somehow, some way or another, I find myself doing something else all of a sudden. Of course, throughout every moment my wife is also reminding me of my priorities and cannot understand why I take so long. I simply say that I'm just that type of person and that I don't work as fast as her every time, that she doesn't understand that different people do things in different ways, though deep down I know I should be working faster and that she is probably correct. I love her and don't want to fail her.
I finally gather the strength to start and write something on the piece of paper: my name. I congratulate myself for starting because there is finally something which has clearly been done by my own hand: my writing. Not a piece of paper, not an action, but something that is from my own hands that feels set in stone, that not only I can witness but everyone else, therefore proving my efforts. Then I realise there's the rest of the paper to do.
ADHD problems found in this: distraction, forgetfulness, previous failures, lack of self esteem, more-than-usual sense of stress and pressure, procrastination tackled only by urgency, easy loss of attention to things they don't like, passionate hate of paperwork. All can be treated, but need a strong and sustained effort in order to overcome. It's worth dealing with these traits because ADHD can turn things like distractions into an incredibly strong level of attention to detail (imagine being distracted, but with all your distractions confined only to things related to what is relevant to your situation).
What triggered you to accept
Submitted by vabeachgal on
What triggered you to accept the ADHD diagnosis and how was your family affected by it? What made you realize or understand how your family was affected?
Accepting my ADHD
Submitted by smd1409 on
Sorry it's somewhat long again, I explain in the post why I can't help it (i.e. a lack of prioritisation and decision making despite attempts). The most relevant part is probably the bullet points and the last paragraph but everything else clarifies it further so it makes sense.
I accepted ADHD because I stopped seeing it as something bad; that's when I made the largest amount of progress in accepting it. Things that made me see it as something bad:
Hopefully you can see why it's so hard to accept that you have ADHD or any other medical condition when the actual diagnosis and everything that comes with it treats you as some sort of inherent failure. It's not surprising that we only look to explain ourselves with ADHD as if it's a last resort. Even then it can be very hard to discuss with others about and explain for multiple reasons. It took me 2 hours to try and explain what I was thinking in my previous post (first I needed to decide on what exactly I meant to get across because I had no clue then I had to decide what pieces of information was and wasn't relevant because I had no clue about that either; this post was no exception).
How I overcame those negative associations:
I can imagine that it would really speed things up to have someone supportive. It's important to remember that there is the intention to be supportive and actually being supportive. Like nagging them in order to get them to try and complaining about them might have good intentions at heart but it actually just makes the person with ADHD more resistant to accepting it. It just gives them more negative things to attach to accepting that they might or do have ADHD. On the other hand of course being supportive can open them up to trying.
On a final note, when I figured out I had ADHD, it did a world of good to me and everyone around me and I am thankful to God for allowing me to. My wife has noticed that I am becoming more reliable and is more patient and understanding of my situation the more she understands my ADHD. I remind her that I can't just make dramatic improvements from lifelong habits in such a short amount of time so she needs to be patient. I'll tell her when I've tried something and if it succeeded or failed so she knows I'm trying and not using ADHD as an excuse to get away from doing something. That way she isn't kept in suspense about improvements over time. That's the system we have in place but you might find other ways depending on what you can agree to with the one who has ADHD. I haven't really seen a negative impact of it so far but I'm still in the early stages of changing myself anyhow. So far it's all been positive.
smd1409, excellent post, also question
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Thank you for writing such an enlightening post. It's GREAT to hear from folks such as yourself, thank you. I also, would like to know when you came to a realization of how much ADHD was affecting you, (if you feel comfortable doing so) and relationships? Was it one thing in particular, or a series of things, or someone? It is so great to see people when they embrace their ADHD and know more about it, because it enhances their lives. I wish my husband would do some of what you've done and be willing and open to discuss it, because it would make our lives a little smoother to live. Hope you post again.
See reply to 'what triggered you...'
Submitted by smd1409 on
I've tried to reply to your questions and another's in the same post because they were similar. Hope you find it useful.
Thank You
Submitted by HyperBallad on
Thank you for such a generous and thoughtful email. I read with my husband last night and he was delighted to hear someone explain his experiences. He kept saying - That is exactly how I fee!. I appreciated understanding his perspective a bit more myself. Obviously we need to do more research!
I am going to take a few more days to digest everything. I really feel so grateful for your insights.