I was talking with my young adult son yesterday. His father has ADHD; he doesn't, though he is dyspraxic. He said to me that when he was growing up, he always felt that there was something wrong with him, because his father never listened to him, but was always telling him off and getting cross with him for 'not listening'. It had baffled, confused and upset him and he had internalised it as a fault in himself. He felt at once to blame and completely unheard by his father. He said that when he found a friend who really listened to him, it felt magical. Such a simple thing but it felt amazing. He also said that I had listened to him, but that his father's attitude had really affected him, making him feel really bad about himself.
This was the first I learned of the impact of his father's inattention and poor self control on our child. I always knew it was battering me emotionally, but I thought the kids were broadly shielded from it by my efforts to be steady and attentive and a good solid presence in their lives. But all the time my sweet little boy was being made to feel faulty and to blame by his father's behaviour.
Thankfully the young man is reflective enough to understand the dynamic, and if it makes him attracted to thoughtful and attentive people as friends and partners, there are far worse ultimate outcomes.
But he struggled with his mental health throughout his teens, with a particularly scary depressive episode at sixteen which I helped him through, without, of course, any support from my husband/his father. And it breaks my heart that thoughtful, reflective, generous, kind, adorable little-him was made to feel like that by his father's inattention and lack of emotional regulation, and I didn't know and hadn't protected him from it.
You did protect him
Submitted by Catterfly on
Hi Honestly,
I think you did protect your son, just in a different sense. You clearly gave him a safe place to come with his emotions and reflections now, and you must have given him enough resilience then for him to come through such a difficult time when he was 16.
You didn't check out on him, or run and hide. You did the best you knew how. And you're right, you couldn't have known about the small but chronic things that occurred and how they would impact him, but don't all parents have those to come to terms with eventually?
I can tell you are a compassionate person and have no doubt that you are an amazing mom.
Thank you Catterfly
Submitted by honestly on
That's so helpful, thank you. Thank you for the kind and supportive words. It helps.
I had a very difficult childhood with a parent's narcissism affecting me profoundly, something with which I am only now coming to terms. Perhaps I am more horrified by this as a result - to hear my son had been through something similar, that had undermined his sense of self, and that it happened on my watch. He, though, has it figured out at 21, whereas I was in my 40s before I began to gain insight into my own upbringing. So that's hopeful.
And yes, we can't protect them from everything, can we? If we did they would not grow up.
So sorry
Submitted by Swedish coast on
I'm sorry, Honestly, that you hurt for your son.
I feel it would be an impossible task for anybody to completely shield a child from his father's personality. You have given the necessary things. You have listened. I believe your son will thrive on what you've given, and be able to shake off the uncertainty that he's now found the reason for.
I can relate to wanting to compensate for dysfunction in the other parent. It's a huge task, crushing. Please remember however we would like to, we simply cannot put the entire weight of this on our shoulders without risking our own health.
You, healthy and happy, are even more important to your son than those compensatory achievements. I try to remind myself of this same thing about my children.
thank you
Submitted by honestly on
Thank you Swedish. I am watching him and the kids interact at the moment - we also have a daughter- and it's fascinating to see how she differs from her brother in this. He was mystified and quietly eroded by it; she is just laser-like in her understanding of her father and the situation. And far less patient than me. I think she as a daughter is more like how ADHD spouses are often characterised than I am myself. Impatient, explosive, taking tasks off him because she can't bear to watch them done half-arsedly or see them forgotten about entirely. But she's magically kind and loving to him too, and sometimes clearly feels so bad for snapping. 'He doesn't listen, Mum. He just doesn't listen.' And all I can say is, 'I know. I'm sorry.'
You did your absolute best
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I stayed until my daughter was around 13 and like you, I strived to shield her from the negative aspects of my husband's ADHD every minute of every day. I was fairly successful a lot of the time, but of course it wore me out just as you've described. The constant hypervigilance and effort to be both parents in one was exhausting. And STILL I can see that I couldn't protect her from everything. Still my daughter endured his apathy and inattention. Still she witnessed me doing it all while he sat in a chair with a laptop around the clock. Still there were moments he would try to get a dopamine hit by inciting her. Still there times he'd blurt something hurtful that I couldn't predict or whisk her away from fast enough. There's only so much we can do (and of course that's way too much anyway!). But YOU DID YOUR BEST. Even if you'd known, you didn't have control over your husband's attention or impulsivity. Only he did. It's wonderful that your son is wise enough to see now that the fault did not lie in him, but with his dad's ability to give and connect. I think the fact that sees clearly and seeks out healthy relationships says a lot about the great job YOU did raising an insightful, resilient young man. YOUR positive influence was ultimately stronger, you amazing mom.
Thank you
Submitted by honestly on
Thank you, Melody. That means a lot. And I'm so sorry your partner was so actively nasty to your daughter. Mine at least is more usually inattentive rather than aggressive towards the kids. The worry is always what one is 'modelling' for a child, the assumption being that this is what they then go on to repeat in their own relationships. But maybe it can equally be that they react against it, are alert to the dysfunction, and will go on to refuse to accept it for themselves. I see hints of this in both my kids. So that's my hope. That they'll have learned at an early stage what they need from a partner, and what they need to be able to offer.